A Few Days More
by CroftL
Summary: Set mid-friendship, sequel of sorts to 'A Few Days Away' and follows canon around the 'Decker days' - full summary inside - Otalia
1. Chapter 1

**TITLE:** A Few Days More  
><strong>FANDOM:<strong> Guiding Light  
><strong>PAIRING:<strong> Otalia  
><strong>SUMMARY:<strong> Set mid-friendship, this will contain elements of hurt/comfort as I'm a hurt/comfort junkie. Olivia, Natalia and Emma have returned from their few days away and follows canon around the 'Decker days'...hopefully more interesting than the summary suggests. Please request before archiving.  
><strong>RATING:<strong> PG for now  
><strong>AUTHOR's NOTE:<strong> This was my second attempt at fanfic and at one time was eventually going to be the second in a trilogy, however fandoms move on as did my interest in this particular show. I hope you enjoy the formula used as personally I think the best Otalia story, and in particular 'hurt/comfort' story, was the one shown on TV.  
><strong>ADDITIONAL NOTE:<strong> This does loosely follow on from my first story 'A Few Days Away', hence I have said it is a sequel but as I never fully intended to write this, it's been an interesting experience to find a way to make it fit within the time period I wanted to cover, therefore please gloss over any inconsistencies from one story to the next. It is not essential to have read the first story, but some things may make more sense if you do.  
><strong>DISCLAIMERS:<strong> I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 1**

Anyone looking at the woman sat at the desk, head resting on her left hand while her right jiggled a pen back and forth, would have thought this was a woman deep in concentration and focused on the multitude of reports and printouts in front of her. In truth, her mind was miles away.

They had returned from their brief few days away and although not exactly 'restive', Olivia had found a measure of peace and calm, primarily through the strengthening of her friendship with her once aggravating and perpetually persistent employee Natalia Rivera. While the majority of the physical injuries she had acquired had proceeded to heal and fade the reduction of her nightly and sometimes waking terrors had been the aspect she was most thankful for. Now if only she could shake this pervasive feeling of lethargy.

She smiled as in her mind she recalled how intuitively Natalia had known what she needed and had willingly provided, a haven, a place of refuge against the constant chatter of her thoughts, memories and relentless conscience.

Even though they had only been back a couple of days, work and other commitments had seen fit to keep them apart beyond the occasional consultation or meeting and Olivia was beginning to question whether it really happened, was her mind still playing tricks on her or worse, were her insecurities gaining the upper hand and Natalia was actively avoiding her.

Wondering where Natalia was at this moment in time and breaking from her reverie, Olivia started and looked at her watch. She had a meeting in five minutes and then another at half past to review some leaflet designs, originally part of a ruse by Natalia to throw Decker off the scent of Olivia's medical condition but actually such a good idea Olivia had tasked her marketing team to look into it and put something together.

There was also the possibility of drinks with Decker much later that afternoon after attending the fundraising event her staff should be putting the finishing touches to and somewhere in amongst those time commitments she knew she was going to have to work in a nap of some kind to regain a little of her strength or she would never make it through the evening. Thank heaven her socialite daughter had a sleepover planned.

Standing and pulling on her jacket to complete her business dress ensemble, she pushed her hands through her hair, pleased to note her shoulder was virtually healed, and grabbed her portfolio folder to head out the door.

~/\~

Natalia rejoiced at having full mobility again after her ankle had reduced to its normal size, especially as now they were back she had a lot of work to catch up on.

When she had suggested they take a few days away, Natalia had known that financially she could ill afford to take the time off but there was something about the way Olivia had continued to push herself and yet still try to remain discrete about her heart condition rather than play on it that Natalia couldn't help but admire, even as it bothered and concerned her. She could still recall Emma's worried face asking, 'Can you come over?', taking the child's hand and entering Olivia's room with a sense of dread at the dim lighting, the still form of Olivia lying in her dressing gown, the blankets barely up to her waist. She remembered her relief when Olivia managed to rouse herself briefly to engage in her conversation with a terrified looking Emma and her desperate need to rest her hand on the older woman's forehead to reassure herself as much as the sad faced child that her mommy was just 'tired'.

She acknowledged Olivia had become her 'project', her one constant when everything else in her life at the time seemed to be going belly up; her car had died again, her son's hearing had sent him to jail, she was struggling to pay for a lawyer even though the lawyer's all thought his case was a lost cause and in order to secure a safer place for her son she had had to agree to sell the house Gus had given her. Working practically every hour of the day God sent she was beyond exhausted but through all of this was Olivia; argumentative, pushy, infuriating, bolstering, well intentioned… kind, giving, vulnerable and needing without being needy. To be needed was something Natalia understood and she had responded.

Being impulsive for once Natalia had suggested some time away, surprised when Olivia not only agreed but also managed to convince her new boss, Lawrence Decker, it was actually a business retreat for her to formulate some plans and proposals for 'Galaxy Hotels' upcoming marketing schedule.

Having spent twenty-four hours a day constantly in each other's company for over, what was two very intense days, splitting off to their individual lives and homes upon their return to Springfield had felt like the sudden loss of a limb.

While Natalia was drawn to Olivia and felt her relationship with this fascinating woman appeared to have changed and deepened as a result of their time away together, she was unclear how Olivia felt now they were home. They had gone about their duties in their respective roles, occasionally crossing paths at the hotel but Olivia's free time had dwindled to virtually nothing due to her new commitments with 'Galaxy' and Natalia's multiple jobs meant chances to just be together were practically non-existent.

She desperately wanted to discuss what they went through, to unearth the 'hidden Olivia' and peel away the layers of mystery. She had been surprised to discover she liked being with her, the way the woman challenged her on so many levels even as she frustrated and infuriated her. She missed the quiet times they had talking over coffee and ice cream, their impromptu movie night, the closeness and the trust but with life conspiring against her and Olivia not making any efforts to find time in her busy schedule, Natalia dejectedly reasoned her life had far too much going on without the additional frustration of working out the inner mind of Olivia Spencer. If the opportunity arose, if Olivia made mention of their time away Natalia would be ready, until then she was an employee, nothing more.

As an employee Natalia would continue to do her job to the best of her ability, she would continue to help Olivia, remind her when to be at a meeting and when to 'slow down'; she would give one hundred percent because if there was one thing she respected it was a healthy work ethic, especially when she knew she had many debts to pay.

She was still working at both 'Company' and 'The Beacon', with the occasional shift at 'Cedars', but today she had taken most of the morning as a longer than usual lunch to allow her time to visit with Rafe. Having reviewed Olivia's schedule she was concerned the older woman was pushing herself too hard and she had a feeling she was going to be at Olivia's beck and call for the rest of the day. Not that she minded, she had come to enjoy the sureness with which Olivia would call and depend on her and, if she were honest with herself, she would acknowledge Olivia was probably the first and only person who had recognized her ability to handle things beyond her self-imposed comfort level and continued to actively push her to 'grow a backbone'. This newfound sense of spirit had the added benefit of leading her to some interesting discoveries.

She found herself once again reflecting back to their recent time together and how she had managed to convince Olivia to open up to her and allow herself to be held, how much Natalia had felt exhilarated by the experience and secretly craved the opportunity again. She could also admit to herself that she was more intrigued than ever about some of the glimpses she had seen of Olivia's past and almost desperate in her need to know more, to know everything about the person who had managed to become such a point of focus in her life.

Natalia hoped there wouldn't be a return of the strange malady Olivia experienced during their stay at the cabin; her greatest fear was that it was in some way related to her heart. Knowing how keen Olivia was to maintain the pretense of a healthy vitality where Decker was concerned, the younger woman was convinced Olivia would match him stride for stride, outpacing herself and then expecting her to somehow save the day.

It still amazed her even now how readily she had stepped up to save Olivia's reputation and career and more surprisingly, how readily Olivia had accepted it, even to the point of promoting her to personal assistant status. A far cry from the good, honest work she did as both a maid and a waitress for as many years as she cared to remember.

Tugging on her jacket to pull it into place and smoothing down her skirt, she twitched her handbag into place on her shoulder. Brushing her hair away from her face she took a steadying breath, pulled back her shoulders and held her head erect to enter The Beacon and see what minor miracles she could achieve today.

~/\~

"No! I am _not_ happy with that. What in any way shape or form from the tone of my voice indicated to you that I would be happy with that? Seriously, what are you? An idiot?" Olivia puffed out an exasperated breath and held her hand to her head, rubbing her brow and doing little to dispel the headache building to epic proportions within her skull.

She dropped her hand to rest on the desk she stood behind, unable to sit through what had become both a circular and confrontational conversation with an apparent imbecile and wondered for the hundredth time that day where on earth Natalia had disappeared to, she had tried her cell earlier only to find it was switched off.

"Okay, listen. I thought I had made my position on this quite clear but apparently I hadn't factored in your inability to understand plain English. I expect to have all containers delivered by the beginning of next week with a fifteen percent discount or I will cease my contract with you and take my business elsewhere. Has that message filtered through?" There was a pause as the poor spokesperson on the other end of the line attempted to apologise and explain the delay once again. Olivia for her part rolled her eyes and considered how this day seemed to be gradually moving from bad to worse.

Sighing, Olivia shook her head, "If you are unable to provide the service I require then either put me onto someone higher up the chain who will or..." Looking up at that moment, she hadn't been aware of her office door opening fully, only of the presence of her up till then missing employee who was now looking at her with concerned and questioning eyes.

"Call me back in an hour. I trust you will have resolved your issues by then and have the right answer for me." Olivia hung up, braced both hands on the desk and regarded the woman before her.

"Hi," Natalia smiled. "Bad day?"

"Just got better. Where've you been?" Olivia's tone seemed put out.

"The prison? To visit Rafe?" Watching as Olivia raised her hand to rub her brow again Natalia edged further into the room, "You don't remember? I moved his visit to this morning so I'd be available later today for you."

"That was today?"

"Uh huh."

"I tried to call you."

Natalia's face pulled into an apologetic smile, "Battery died."

Olivia lowered her hand to brace herself again and then closed her eyes as her headache presented itself with full force.

"Hey, why don't you sit down?" Natalia worked her way around the desk to take Olivia's arm and guide her back to sit in her chair. As Olivia slouched back and tried to release the tension in her shoulders, Natalia crouched down and rested her hand on the suited thigh nearby, "You look beat. Can I get you anything? Aspirin?"

A smile tugged at the corners of Olivia's mouth, "I've told you before what a godsend you are haven't I?"

Dimples given free reign, Natalia stood from where she had crouched and patted Olivia's arm, "Not always your first description but yes, I believe you have. I've always thought there was something in God working in mysterious ways." She rooted around in her handbag to find a bottle of aspirin, opened it to pour onto Olivia's waiting hand and then retrieved some water for her from the tray of drinks which sat on one of the units lining the office walls.

As she watched Olivia take a drink of water to wash down the pills, Natalia looked at the paperwork covering the usually tidy desk and found an explanation for the nature of the call she had walked in on. Picking up the letter she asked, "This is their way of telling us they can't make the order?"

Olivia, having taken note of the paperwork Natalia held, nodded her head and closed her eyes to rest her head back against her office chair.

"But that would mean..."

"I know." Olivia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose again, perversely enjoying the indignation and outrage she could feel coming from the younger woman propped against her desk.

"Would you like me to call them back and see if we can come to some kind of arrangement? I mean, honestly Olivia, they promised they could deliver and that convention event was adamant..."

"I know." Olivia said again to stop Natalia in her tracks, unwilling to have yet another circular argument having already gone through the repercussions in her own mind. "Have at it, they've been told to call me back in an hour, I need to be at that fundraiser by 4:30 so if you could handle it..." Olivia was actually delighted Natalia seemed to really thrive at her new level of responsibilities and was actively volunteering to take things on that previously she would have shied away from.

Natalia looked back at Olivia as if evaluating her. "Are you sure you're up for that?"

"What? The fundraiser? I'll be fine. Besides, Decker is going to be there. I don't think he wanted to wait before we head over to Towers for dinner and drinks later and after all, it's publicity for him and 'Galaxy Hotels' right? And I am the face of 'Galaxy Hotels'." She smiled, opening her eyes wide and raising her eyebrows as if to convince she was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Natalia was not convinced and frowned to indicate as much.

Realising Natalia was not impressed and although annoyed that that annoyed her, Olivia did relent enough to promise, "Fine, I was going to lay down for a bit before then anyway. Okay? Happy?"

"Sure, why don't I come with you?"

"I beg your pardon?" Surely her headache was getting worse and distorting her thinking, had she heard right? Maybe she was wrong about Natalia avoiding her.

Arms folded, Natalia stood and tilted her head as if to say, 'really? You're going to argue with me on this?'

Knowing when she was on a losing streak and frankly too washed out to continue, Olivia acquiesced, pushed herself out of her chair and followed Natalia out of her office to the waiting elevator.

~/\~

The journey up to her suite was silent although Olivia was aware of the younger woman's glances towards her as if expecting her to keel over any moment. Considering this was one of the first times they had really had a chance to be together without a pressing work issue to discuss, the lack of conversation spoke volumes to Olivia's returning insecurities until she reasoned Natalia was being quiet in deference to her headache. Taking the initiative, as they reached her floor and the doors opened, Olivia remembered something and decided to start the conversational ball rolling by asking, "So how is Rafe?"

Following the taller woman down the hallway Natalia answered, "He's good. Good as he can be considering where he is but at least it's a lot better than where he was."

Natalia was still in awe of the way Olivia had wangled a meeting with the Governor to put him on the spot and negotiate a way to help Rafe's situation. Apart from the fact that she had initially been appalled with Olivia's behaviour in how she spoke with the warden of the prison, the prison where Rafe had been the victim of bullying on several occasions, her tenacity and insistence once she had made up her mind up to do something, and then doing it 'big', had only endeared her further in Natalia's heart and mind. More so as it had helped her son.

Her concern now was that Olivia was once again pushing herself to the point of collapse.

"I really can't thank you enough for all you've done to help him."

Olivia waved the comment off and focused on entering her keycard to open her door.

Unsurprised when Natalia followed her into her room, Olivia shucked off her shoes and removed her jacket.

Slipping into her PA role with ease Natalia said, "So I'll make sure your alarm goes off at 4:00 to give you some time to wake up and make it to the fundraiser. Will that be enough time?" Personally, having witnessed Olivia's morning routine she feared it wouldn't be.

Olivia nodded and sat on the bed rubbing her brow again, "Sure."

"You sure you're okay?"

Touched by the hesitancy she sensed coming from the woman before her and in part wishing she could just ask Natalia if she would stay for a bit until she fell asleep, Olivia put her legs up onto the bed and reclined, "I'm good. Let me know if that call comes in and they let us down and you better check in with Greg and be sure the ballroom's been set up to _his_ satisfaction."

Natalia grinned, "I'll take care of it."

Head now on her pillow, Olivia smiled as she turned to watch Natalia leave and pull the door shut. She was still amazed at how much their relationship had changed in what seemed such a short amount of time, how much she relied on this seemingly diminutive woman who in reality had such strength and compassion.

She spied her case in the corner, still unpacked from their few days away and remembered…

* * *

><p><em>She had to pack. Big tour, Asia and she had to pack.<em>

_Her case still sat on the end of her bed, empty and waiting, hungry for clothes while she was moving around her hotel room suite as if her oxygen supply had been depleted and her body was refusing to take orders from her brain anymore._

_But she had to pack._

_Removing a jacket from the rail in her closet and bending down to scoop up a pair of matching shoes, she was surprised to find herself suddenly sitting cross-legged on the floor, panting for breath and eyeing the suitcase now seemingly mocking her from its lofty vantage point above her._

_Determined but realistic she pulled a face at the prospect of defeat and reached over to grab her cell phone thankfully on the bedside unit beside her._

_Hitting speed dial, she waited impatiently for the call to connect, "I'm calling you as a last resort. Can you come to work?" Her voice had the faintest tremble to it._

"_When?" Natalia's response made it sound as if this was the most bizarre request in the world to be asking._

"_Right now. I need you here." She could hear herself trying to hold back her need, her desperation, too late though as Natalia instantly figured out something was wrong, "Why? What's going on?" _

_Breathing was an effort, she was tired, she was anxious and she still had to pack. Frustrated she said, "It's just work, you know? You know the concept; I pay you in exchange for a little time and effort. You should come on by, give it a try." _

_Disgusted, she hung up the call and threw the phone on the bed before raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. _

_The case continued to mock._

_It was a good ten minutes later and she had managed to pull herself out of the closet and continue with the job of packing, slow steady steps from the closet to the case and back again. As she made the journey one more time, clutching the door frame to steady herself as she leaned in for another article of clothing, this time a turquoise three-quarter sleeve t-shirt, a determined knocking on her hotel room door began._

"_Olivia. It's me!"_

_Olivia regarded the t-shirt as she made her way to her case and the knocking continued. _

"_Olivia, are you in there?" _

_Even though she had called the woman to come over and help, she muttered under her breath as the events of the evening were really getting to her and her ability to remain standing was starting to be called into question. Unable to move any faster, she finally turned back around and as the knocks became more insistent she opened it to Natalia's, "Olivia!"_

"_Geez break the door already. Stop." The door flew wide open to bang on the adjacent wall as Olivia turned back to her packing and Natalia marched in, grabbing the door handle on its return journey and staring intently at Olivia's back, trying to determine what was going on._

"_Olivia, listen, I just checked with Maria, and she said she doesn't need me to work today." She heard Natalia close the door behind her but Olivia still didn't turn around. She was seriously beginning to question why she had even thought asking for Natalia's help was a good idea. Then the uncomfortable, unsteady feeling of 'I'm either going to throw up or pass out' rolled over her and it was only by maintaining focus on the t-shirt in her hands she remained upright._

_Still too embarrassed to look her in the eye, Olivia concentrated on the t-shirt as if evaluating it in a store and determining whether to make a purchase or not. In truth, she was buying some time to work up the nerve to admit the real reason for her summons._

"_No, I didn't call you here to vacuum and clean. I called you because I'm in trouble."_

_It nearly stuck in her throat to say it out loud but what had seemed like a doable gamble, a relatively safe bet in signing on with Decker and Galaxy Hotels, had quickly spiraled out of control and her private nature had left her with very few avenues in which to turn._

_She still couldn't look at her but she could sense Natalia's subtle movement, as if to move towards her but restraining herself to not move at all. _

"_Your heart?" _

_Olivia glanced at her and emphatically responded, "No." _Is that all you care about? Why is it Gus' precious heart is always your first concern?

"_You look a little pale." _

"_It's not my heart." _Come on Olivia, be reasonable, you're not giving her anything here, just dragging her out in the middle of her evening. She probably has a hundred and one better things to do than watch you bitch and moan because you've possibly bitten off more than you can chew.

_Natalia had remained patiently waiting, obviously not convinced as she took in the mass of clothing strewn about the bed, the open suitcase._

"_Okay, I have to get on that plane to go to Asia for Galaxy tonight, and I…" Olivia's voice began to quaver as she motioned around at her recent activities, "I have things I have to do. I have to pack, I have to make arrangements, I have to pick up Emma." She was getting breathless again, the magnitude of what she was trying to do and the condition she was truly in beginning to overcome her._

"_Are you alright?"_

_One had resting on her stomach, the other reaching again to pinch the bridge of her nose she confessed, "Yeah, I'm just a little overwhelmed. I have so much to do, I can't really…" Her head was starting to spin and she raised the back of her hand to press against her forehead, trying to focus, "…think straight. But if you're busy, then that's fine."_

_She could feel Natalia watching her again but she kept her eyes focused on the t-shirt, the admission of needing help and the silence that followed too much to bear. _

"_No I don't have... I'm not busy." _

_She thought she would cry, her relief was so great. She felt the t-shirt being taken from her hands and as the last of her currently stored strength gave out, she stepped unsteadily to the side and sank down to sit on her bed. _

_In her peripheral vision she saw Natalia's handbag placed next to the case and then she was sitting beside her._

_Distraught, she found herself calming when a hand rested on her thigh and she heard, "What do you need me to do for you?"_

_For the first time since she entered the room, Olivia finally looked up and faced her savior._

* * *

><p>"Always taking care of things… taking care of me," she spoke with wonder into the quiet room. Thankful for the relative darkness she considered, a nice nap and she would be good as new again.<p>

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from: 10th Oct 2008 (Full edited clip here .com/watch?v=UPMRXYMiiaU or HD Clips at.com/watch?v=hnNe0MmgcUE and .com/watch?v=f4pr8gah7IQ...feature=related - with grateful thanks to those who posted on youtube!)


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 2**

Checking that the rotas had been completed for the next month and then having to deal with a staffing issue where one of the Beacon employees had provided a less than tolerated level of customer service, Natalia was almost startled when the phone rang and she found herself in the middle of a conversation started by Olivia over an hour earlier.

Her own words regarding customer service ringing in her ears, Natalia smiled and used her natural people skills to calm the gentleman on the end of the line before proceeding to have a semi-intelligent conversation with him which resulted in a mutually agreeable compromise.

Pleased with the outcome of the call and happier still to know it was one less burden on Olivia's plate, Natalia checked her watch. Time to wake the sleeping beauty.

Knowing from experience just how difficult it was to wake Olivia and hopeful that she had managed to sleep deeply enough to do some good, Natalia decided to personally ensure Olivia made it to the fundraiser.

Knocking on the door to Olivia's suite at a little past 4pm, Natalia was not surprised when no answer was forthcoming. Using her own master keycard she entered the room to find Olivia still curled on her side, sound asleep in the semi-darkness.

Moving over to the bed she watched her for a moment before reluctantly acknowledging she had to wake her. Reaching a hand to Olivia's shoulder, Natalia gently shook the older woman, "Hey Olivia, time to get up now, come on."

Something unintelligible was mumbled that Natalia couldn't make out and Olivia shook off the offending hand to turn over and cuddle onto her other side.

Charmed but knowing Olivia would be spitting mad if she missed the function and worried not only about how it would look but what it could mean for her contract with Decker, Natalia tried again. "Olivia! You have to wake up now."

A more decisive nudge and Olivia's eyes started to flutter open, "Just five more minutes." She started to burrow into her pillows again.

"No Olivia, you have to get up now! You have to get ready."

Not to be deterred, Natalia reached for the switch by the bed to activate the main light in the room and dispel the hazy comfort of nighttime. For her part, Olivia squeezed her eyes shut tighter before squinting at the brightness and rousing herself awake.

"Hey, no fair."

"I'm sorry Olivia but you haven't got much time to get ready and I know how important this is to you."

Pushing herself to sit up and rubbing her face, Olivia drew her hair back with both hands and blinked in the brightness, "What time is it?"

"Nearly ten past four."

Shocked now at how little time she actually had, Olivia swung her legs from the bed to the floor and almost in a panic accused, "I thought you were going to wake me at four?"

"Well I tried!"

Standing to go into the bathroom and engage in a high speed shower and change, she called back, "Could you lay my clothes out on the bed? Should be in the garment bag just inside the closet."

"Okay."

Hearing the sound of the shower running, Natalia did as instructed then stood there contemplating whether she should have brought coffee with her or make a pot now to fully flush Olivia's cobwebs away.

When Olivia appeared the next moment wrapped in her bathrobe and obviously anxious, the flushed and heated pink tinge to her skin made Natalia rethink and consider if she should just leave Olivia to finish getting ready.

"I'll leave you to um..."

"Hey, don't go I'm going to need your help." Olivia couldn't understand why Natalia looked like she was ready to bolt, this was the first time in a while they had had a moment to chat, even if she was rushing to get ready. "Take a seat; tell me what I've missed."

Sitting in the chair in the corner of the room Natalia felt strangely nervous as Olivia continued to prepare for her evening out. It wasn't as if only recently Natalia had had the responsibility of undressing this woman several times to deal with various injuries and ailments, heck, she had even supported her as she lay sprawled in the shower stall for all intents and purposes naked.

Yet watching Olivia glam herself up, Natalia felt a little like she was intruding and part of that she reasoned, was because she _wanted_ to watch. She just loved watching this woman, she was fascinating and full of contradictions, filled with so much spirit and joy and yet so much sadness and anger.

Realising her companion had not said anything for a while, Olivia turned from her mirror where she was carefully applying eyeliner to ask, "Hey, did you fall asleep over there?"

Reacting as if caught in the act, Natalia gulped and using her quick thinking responded, "Hm? No I was just trying to um..." She found her subject, "The ballroom's all set, Greg's happy anyway. I checked in with him earlier and he was only having a minor meltdown about some table arrangements so be sure to compliment him on them when you see him."

Olivia just nodded an 'uh huh' as she continued to apply her make-up. _Well she stayed and she's talking, guess it was bound to be about work._

"That call came in..."

Olivia was instantly alert and rounded on her, "And?"

"Well, I think we've managed to come to an arrangement."

"What does that mean? An arrangement." Olivia looked suspicious.

Natalia affected a slightly hurt look and pouted, "What? You don't trust me now?"

There was something about the way she said it. Was she joking with her? Testing her? Because there was almost an edge to the question, an undercurrent of doubt and need to be reassured which had Olivia wondering if she had given her reason to think otherwise, when truthfully she couldn't remember ever _not_ trusting her…

* * *

><p><em>There was a knock on the door, she was sure she heard it but she wasn't ready yet. Panic was setting in.<em>

"_That's Decker," she informed her 'partner in crime' who was currently zipping up one of the substantially filled cases and maintaining an air of being annoyingly calm and collected._

"_Okay, I'm willing to do this for you, but there's a condition: You have to go to the doctor and make sure everything is okay."_

_Her eyebrows rose as she objected, "I'm fine, okay? I've been under a lot of pressure." When was Natalia going to back off and leave this alone? Yes, she wanted her help but really?_

_The case was lifted down off the bed and Natalia persisted, "Do we have a deal?" _

_Knowing at some deeper level she was not going to win this one, especially as she was the one in the weaker position needing help, she acquiesced and hissed through clenched teeth, "Alright."_

_There was another knock at the door, louder this time and as Olivia levered herself with difficulty off the bed, Natalia ran to the closet to grab an appropriate jacket to effect a personal assistant's ensemble ingeniously calling out, "Err…coming!"_

_Olivia drew in a breath and watched, propped up in the bathroom doorway, as Natalia threaded her arms into the jacket before tying the belt around her to completely cover her 'Company' t-shirt. Concerned at the amount of time it was taking, Olivia gestured at her to get a move on and silently mouthed, "Hurry up." Natalia scowled back and fumbled with the belt before smoothing down her clothing as the knock at the door tapped out the caller's impatience, "One second." With final touches, that included releasing her hair trapped inside the newly adorned jacket, Natalia pasted on a smile and opened the door, "Mr. Decker, how are you?"_

"_Fine, thank you." _

"_Come in." _

_Olivia had retreated fully into the bathroom and heard Natalia ask, "Can I get you something to drink?" She mentally applauded her new 'assistant' for the delaying tactic but closed her eyes in frustration when she heard Decker's reply, "Actually, no. I'm actually a little late for a flight so I don't have much time. Is Olivia ready?" There was to be no reprieve._

"_Let me check," Natalia responded and then there was a knock on the bathroom door and Natalia entered with a smile which immediately fell as her eyes met with Olivia's._

_Olivia braced herself against the sink, fingers tapping the bowl as Natalia stepped up to her and placed her hand so close to her back that Olivia could feel the warmth of her palm even without the contact. Ready to catch her if she should fall, which was looking more likely by the second, she was struggling to breathe and the prospect of doing anything beyond being able to lie down and relax was causing her anxiety to rise again. _

"_I don't think I can make it." Her eyes closed as she took another breath and made the statement she should have told Decker hours ago before this nightmare evening started, "I can't get on that plane."_

"_I know." Natalia could probably have told her that hours ago but her stubbornness would have ignored her._

"_Okay. So just stall him. Alright? I'll think of something to say." She was swaying now, hanging onto the sink, very aware it was 'crunch' time and her reputation was on the line and she had no idea how on earth she was going to get through this._

"_He's waiting." _

"_I know." It was almost a whine. All she wanted to do was sit down, her energy levels close to zero. She was aware of Natalia beside her watching her distress, fingers tapping her upper lip in thought._

"_Do you trust me?"_

_Olivia was surprised at how little she had to think about the answer. _

_Their eyes locked._

_Panting heavily now, Olivia nodded her head, "Yeah," and Natalia nodded back. A small, barely heard response of "'kay, thanks," before Natalia was reaching for her arm and indicating it was time to go, "Come on."_

_Olivia couldn't help rolling her eyes as she dug deep to find whatever energy she had left to maintain her pretense but although she had no idea what Natalia had planned, she realized she had put more than trust in her apparently stalwart companion, it was her career, her reputation, her life. Needing the physical support she wrapped her arm over Natalia's shoulders as Natalia put a reassuring arm around her waist and together they exited the bathroom as if they were girls out on the town giggling over some shared joke._

"_Olivia, you look wonderful," Decker complimented her suited attire. She had changed earlier; while Natalia had folded away her clothes Olivia had felt the need to continue her travelling ritual and ignored the dubious looks she received when she announced she was going to shower. _

_Re-entering the room, Olivia felt the loss of Natalia's arm as they pulled apart and Natalia walked away from her. _Trust Olivia, trust_. _

_Decker was clearly hyped, "Are you ready for a whirlwind tour of China?"_

_Raising her hands and flapping them at Decker as if to ward off any delay, Olivia was impressed when Natalia maneuvered her flight case in front of her and raised the handle to its full height so she could grab hold of it and use it as support. "I can't wait," she enthused and masked her stumble forward in what appeared to be a smoothly orchestrated move._

_Decker, oblivious to the show he was witnessing continued on about all they had planned, "I've lined up my top executives for a party in our Beijing hotel. Sort of a meet and greet, but it's also a chance to introduce you to the press, and get that beautiful face in front of the media." _

_Olivia shrugged coyly at the praise even though she was trying to hold it together and not give away the fact her legs were ready to give out on her._

"_Oh, can I get that for you?" Decker pointed at the case in Olivia's grasp._

"_Oh, no…"_

"_We've got it…"_

_They said together, Olivia wishing this night would end. _

"_You sure?" _

"_Yeah," they replied in unison. _

"_Well alright," Decker hardly drew breath as he continued on, detailing what sounded to Olivia an extreme form of torture, "Well, then after the party, I'll take you to some of the construction sites so you can actually see the quality and design of the hotels you'll be representing. But we can talk about all of this in the car."_

_Olivia was sure Decker's voice was picking up speed as the man gathered momentum for his cause. She smiled and hoped it didn't look too much like a grimace as she gripped the flight case handle tighter. _

"_Excuse me, but aren't you building family resorts?"_

_Olivia looked at her companion and felt another moment of fear. _Trust! Wait and see where she's going with it.

_Decker seemed pleased, hotels were his favourite topic after all, "Yes. As a matter of fact, I just came from a presentation where we unveiled our newest resort. A very successful presentation, I might add."_

_Continuing to smile but really unable to contribute for fear of giving herself away, Olivia nodded, "Nice."_

"_Congratulations," Natalia added._

_Decker had the decency to look modest, "Thank you."_

"_And- maybe it's not my place to say," Natalia continued and Olivia watched, unable to keep the look of worry from her face, "But I wonder if it's not a mistake to have Olivia getting on a plane when her daughter, Emma, is playing the good witch in the "Wizard of Oz" tomorrow."_

_Olivia looked around at Decker and smiled again, her hands practically white knuckles on the suitcase handle._

"_The good what?"_

"_Yeah. She has a role in the school play, and Olivia will be missing it." Olivia wasn't sure but was Natalia pouting slightly as she pulled a sad face at the idea of Olivia missing out._

_Catching on quick though and joining in on the ruse Olivia spoke up, "I just have to tell her... I don't have the heart to tell her."_

"_The courage," Natalia quickly interjected._

"_The courage, I don't have the courage to tell her." Her eyes opened wide as she threw a look at Natalia having realized her vocal slip. "I…" she pointed at Decker, an idea forming in her own mind, "Try this on: Didn't you do the Spaulding presentation via satellite?" _

"_Yes." _

"_What if, when you introduce me to everyone, you do it from my daughter's school?" _Please say yes, please!

"_Oh!" Natalia chimed in, nodding her head in agreement of the idea. _

"_I mean, think about it. They would see me as a mother first, and not just some..." It was too much, she was feeling faint again and her head was starting to pound, her hand which had released its death grip from the suitcase to gesticulate in support of her idea made its way to her forehead while the dizziness forced her to close her eyes._

_Natalia attempted to fill the unnatural pause and complete the sentence, "Not just some glamorous mannequin." _

"_No," she tried to bat the idea away, her hand coming to rest on her neck as she rubbed her tense neck and shoulder. _

"_Are you okay, Olivia? You seem a little..." _

"_I'm great." She nodded confidently and smiled, seamlessly fitting in with Natalia's laughter as she picked up the ball again, "Yeah," Natalia said, "Whenever she's excited, she..."_

_They were looking at each other now, finding that synergy and reading each other's minds. "I'm always saying…" _

"…_sloooow down and breathe." They finished together._

"_Yes," Natalia hammered her point home._

_They were giggly and Olivia was starting to think they could really pull this thing off. Continuing on with enthusiasm, Olivia emphasized to Decker, "And I am, I'm so excited. What better way to demonstrate that Galaxy is all about family values?" _

"_Yeah, and kids," Natalia carefully modulated her tone to one of seriousness and respect, "Kids are the most important thing ever, you know?"_

_They were nodding at each other again now, so in tune with what the game plan was._

"_And Emma will be so thrilled. She'll be over the moon."_

"_Oh, she would."_

_It was almost like Decker was no longer there and they were having their own private conversation but then they remembered and turned away from each other to face Decker again, the smiles plastered on their own faces a huge contrast to the somber faced man with his arms crossed. _Maybe it didn't work, maybe it was too much.

_They waited. _

"_I like it," he pointed at Olivia. "I like it a lot." _

"_How much do you like it?" Natalia appeared very surprised and asked for validation purposes._

"_It's a go. Let's do it." Their laughter this time aided masking Olivia's complete relief, "Olivia, I've told you, you have a special one here." He pointed at Natalia, "Don't let go of her."_

_Reaching over to grab Natalia's shoulder for support Olivia responded, "Oh, I won't." She was starting to sway again; thankfully Natalia was there, her arm wrapping behind to brace her._

"_Alright," he looked at his watch, "I've got to get going. When I land, I'll call you with all of the details. We'll work them out, okay?" He was nearly out the door as he finished talking. _

_Olivia leaned heavily toward Natalia as she called after him, "Have a safe flight." _

"_Okay. Good-bye, Mr. Decker. Bye."_

"_Bye."_

_The moment the door clicked shut Olivia turned and widening eyes telling of her relief, collapsed backwards onto the bed. _

"_Okay. I am taking you to the hospital." _

_Olivia waved her arm at her from her position of repose and huffed, grateful to be horizontal. They had managed to pull it off; she didn't have to go to Asia and she still had her job. _

_From her position on the bed she watched as Natalia circled the bed, removing the jacket to return it to the closet, the same closet she had sat in just over two hours ago when she took a chance and made a call. _

_Natalia was moving back towards her now, looking down on her with an expression of barely masked concern._

"_You," she said, "need to go to a hospital."_

_Olivia closed her eyes, hoping it would have the desired effect._

"_Olivia."_

_Nope, not going away._

"_We had a deal."_

_Olivia acknowledged Natalia was right and that without her she would currently be on a tour which would most likely have killed her. Resigned to the fact she had no choice if she didn't want to be taken away by an ambulance, she began to push herself up from the bed, dismayed at how weak she actually felt._

"_Here," Natalia bent down to put her arms around her again, "let me help you."_

* * *

><p>Trust.<p>

Swallowing, Olivia blinked and stuttered, "Huh... um... of course I do. Why would you think...?"

"It's alright Olivia." Natalia was surprised how much her question had obviously sent a storm of thought chasing behind Olivia's eyes. She had asked primarily in jest but recognized a part of her wanted an answer; she just wasn't prepared for the look of hurt confusion and decided to let Olivia off the hook, "Basically they intend to have them to us by the end of next week," Olivia moved to jump in but Natalia forestalled her, "Which means it'll still be in time for the convention event and they're going to give us a twenty percent discount for the additional inconvenience."

Olivia looked impressed. "That's my girl."

Natalia felt her heart swell with pride at having done something so right she had managed to impress Olivia but a part of her was also thinking how much she wished that statement were true.

"Okay, this is where I need your help."

Natalia looked up having drifted away again, lost in thought.

"Could you zip me up please?"

Olivia stood in a gorgeous, figure hugging midnight blue dress that had the effect of looking both stylish and sophisticated and as if it was made to be worn by her. Her hand was currently attempting to zip the dress and she was twisting her body in a manner only contortionists should attempt.

Her mouth dry, Natalia stood and moved over behind Olivia and batted her hand gently out of the way.

"Let me."

Olivia could feel Natalia's breath across her neck and goose bumps descending down her back and arms. She could hear the sound of the zip rising up and then the sensation of Natalia sweeping her hair from her neck and over her shoulder to avoid getting caught, her hand skirting over her suddenly sensitive skin before the zip continued its journey to its final destination.

Looking ahead to see her reflection in the mirror, Olivia's eyes caught Natalia's and held.

Natalia studied her, wanting so much to say something to her, to suggest they have lunch or… she noted her cheeks were high in colour and frowned, "Are you sure you're okay now?"

Olivia nodded her head, thinking the answer should be in the affirmative even if her heart seemed to be beating very fast. She had sensed Natalia was about to say something but the moment was gone.

"Time to get Cinderella to the ball."

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode 10th Oct 2008 (Full edited clip here .com/watch?v=UPMRXYMiiaU or HD Clips at.com/watch?v=hnNe0MmgcUE and .com/watch?v=f4pr8gah7IQ...feature=related - with grateful thanks to those who posted on youtube!)


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 3**

Sharp rapping against the door to her suite startled Olivia and caused Natalia to jump back as if guilty.

"This better be good," Olivia growled and stormed towards the door to fling it open with force and attitude. "Larry," Olivia stepped back and held her hand to her chest, her tone instantly changing to one Natalia recognized as 'insincere delight', "what a surprise."

Lawrence Decker stood at the threshold to Olivia's room in his tuxedo, his bow tie and cummerbund spookily matching the midnight blue of Olivia's dress. "Olivia," he spied Natalia in the room, smiled and corrected, "Ladies." He waited expectantly.

"Um, please, come on in." Olivia gathered herself together and Natalia noticed her pasting on the smile which was always present when dealing with her new boss but which never seemed to quite reach her eyes.

"Thought it would look good to head down to the ballroom together," Decker informed, rubbing his hands together in front of him as he eyed Olivia up and down, "You look wonderful Olivia." He turned to Natalia, "Doesn't she look wonderful? Just like a million bucks."

Before Natalia could state what she really thought Olivia cut in, "Should we be renegotiating my salary Larry?"

He laughed and wagged one finger at her, "You're a smart one Olivia. Always have an angle don't you?"

Tilting her head slightly, Olivia raised her eyebrow and smiled, "Yup."

There was a moment of awkward and uncomfortable silence as they all stood there looking at each other until Natalia made a bobbing motion as if unsure whether she should be heard as well as seen and turned toward Olivia, "Well I guess I should let you finish getting ready. Mr. Decker, so nice to see you again," Natalia nodded toward him and made as if to leave.

"No wait um… Larry, would you mind just waiting outside whilst I…" Olivia gesticulated at herself, her stockinged feet and the room in general which was enough for Decker to catch on.

"Right, sure, I'll just wait out here. Natalia," he said nodding toward her as he moved back to the door and opened it, "I'm going to poach her one of these days Olivia, fair warning."

As the door shut behind him Olivia exhaled heavily and mumbled under her breath, "Not a chance." She then reached down to pull on her shoes.

Natalia crossed the room and picked up Olivia's discarded bathrobe, "I didn't think you were meeting with him until later this evening?"

Did she sound jealous? "Well, I knew he was going to make an appearance at the fundraiser, good publicity and all that but I didn't think he'd have the audacity to think I was going 'with' him. Ugh…" Olivia, having pulled her hair back into an effective and stylish twisted pleat, opened her jewelry box to select her earrings and deftly secured one through her left lobe.

Bathrobe neatly deposited, Natalia began straightening the bed Olivia had napped in, "Did you want me to come up with something to call you away?"

Olivia regarded her reflection with both earrings dangling in place, pleased with how they complimented her outfit with the right amount of added sparkle and turned to pay attention to her assistant purposefully moving about the room, "What are you doing?"

Olivia's curious and indignant tone stopped Natalia in her tracks and she looked down at the pillow she was plumping in her hands, "Um..."

"You know I do have staff I pay to do this for me right?"

Feeling a little ridiculous in confessing she felt it was her right to do these things for Olivia, Natalia merely shrugged and owned up to, "Force of habit." As she pulled the blankets into place she added, "Besides, idle hands..."

Olivia felt the full force of the dimples flashing at her and for some reason kept hearing the words, 'idle hands' ringing in her ears. Returning the smile, this one fully reaching her eyes, she asked, "Would you...?" She indicated the pendant in her hands.

"Of course." Nervous hands fumbled with the clasp and Olivia stifled her laughter when she saw Natalia's intense look of concentration, complete with the exposed tip of her tongue held between her teeth, reflected in the mirror.

"Done."

"Thanks," Olivia glanced down at her watch, "I better not keep him waiting any longer. I'll keep it in mind."

"Huh?" Natalia had become distracted by the full effect of Olivia's outfit, her hair swept back, tasteful ornate silver and diamond earrings reflecting rainbow glints along Olivia's long, graceful neck as the light caught them and the pendant, its length dropping to reach the top of Olivia's virtually invisible scar.

"Calling me away, I'll keep it in mind."

"Oh, right. Well if you need me for anything, you know how to reach me." Natalia laid her hand on Olivia's arm and suddenly felt very shy. Wishing she knew how to overcome the awkwardness 'civilisation' had seemingly imposed upon them she gave the arm a quick squeeze, let go and walked to the door. Her hand on the doorknob she said, "Have a good evening."

"Goodnight Natalia, thank you." She was already talking to the door.

The younger woman's absence was keenly felt and Olivia found herself wondering once again whether she would ever be able to recapture the relationship they built while at the cabin.

~/\~

Decker had been waiting for her when she exited her room and together they rode the elevator down to the ballroom. She was impressed with her acting abilities as she managed to maintain a full smile, greeting fellow citizens and dignitaries of Springfield while making their way to their table. In truth, her enthusiasm for the Galaxy Hotels project was starting to wane; sure, it was a top job and paid well but so far the only really good thing to come out of it was her surprising friendship with Natalia.

Having spent nearly an hour engaged in a mixture of business and small talk against the backdrop of live music, Olivia could feel her headache returning and was in desperate need of a distraction. Feeling it was too soon to excuse herself to the bathroom and wondering how discretely she could remove her cell and fabricate a call of some kind, her eyes wandered around the table before noticing the arrangements.

"Would you excuse me for a moment? I need to speak to one of my employees."

Decker raised his glass in salute, "Sure. Always something more to do when you run a hotel eh?"

She smiled again demurely, "It never ends. I won't be long."

Grabbing her bag she nodded her excuses to her other tablemates and stepped away from the table before exiting the ballroom to find the hallway refreshingly cold and startlingly quiet in comparison to the general hubbub permeating her skull for the last hour. Taking a moment to allow her ears time to adjust she walked through the corridors, passed the reception desk and into the offices beyond to speak to her events manager.

"Hey Greg," he looked up from his computer as she knocked on the open door to his office.

"Miss Spencer. Is everything alright?"

She knew it was wrong but she experienced a flutter of delight at the look of fear crossing his eyes at her unexpected visit. "Love the arrangements. Very nicely done."

He blinked, "Um... thank you?"

"Keep it up," she said and turned to leave, mentally checking off one of the things she knew she had to do.

Greg sat staring at the door a further five minutes before blinking again and returning to his computer, unsure whether he had really just seen his boss and it was to compliment him or the long hours were finally catching up.

~/\~

Natalia had smiled at Decker as she left Olivia's room and assured him he wouldn't have much longer to wait. After exchanging pleasantries she practically ran into the thankfully waiting elevator and threw her hands over her eyes, mortified with herself.

What had she been thinking?

She had no idea what was going on in Olivia's mind and she was foolish to believe she was ever going to understand.

She had just stood there and all but drooled over the woman. How could Olivia not see in her eyes her attempts to start some form of dialogue with her, any communication beyond work? Had she been too subtle? Maybe it had all been in her head and she never actually said anything out loud?

Natalia was beyond frustrated with herself. She could not believe the level of jealousy she felt at Decker's intrusion, the indignation she felt at his arrogance in coming to Olivia's room to 'escort' her to the fundraiser.

And what was that she saw in Olivia's eyes when she had asked her if she trusted her?

Deciding she had done her assistant 'employee' duties in ensuring Olivia was up and ready for the fundraiser, Natalia exited the Beacon and headed to Company. Maybe some of Buzz's food and some easy conversation would pass the time until Olivia called because while she was feeling like she didn't know much, she knew above all else, Olivia _would_ call.

~/\~

Olivia knew she couldn't hide out in her office indefinitely, after the fundraiser Decker was expecting her to go to Towers for drinks and she couldn't shake the fact not too long ago she would have been the life and soul of the party, relishing the idea of throwing back enough alcohol to make her uninhibited and silly, a real party girl. Ironic considering her past and she definitely didn't want to revisit that this evening.

Worse though was Decker's expectation of her, not to get drunk but to be able to keep up with the numerous business meetings she would be expected to attend and shine at when if she couldn't handle one evening...

Maybe she was just getting old. She shook her head, unwilling to believe that just yet but not liking the alternatives either.

She looked at the clock again.

She really should head back to the ballroom, they would be doing a presentation shortly and her absence would be noted. She played with the cell in her hands.

As if there was no decision to make she flipped it open and automatically pressed the number on her speed dial, absently wondering if Natalia had had the opportunity to charge her cell yet.

"Hey," the familiar voice came over the line.

"Hi. See you got it charged."

"Well I had a feeling you were going to call."

"Oh yeah?" she was strangely thrilled at this piece of news.

"Uh huh. How's it going? Did you need me for something?"

Such a simple little question with so much behind it.

Need.

Of course she needed her, hadn't she shown that time and time again?

She decided to answer the simplest question, "Um, it's going well. They seem to be raising funds so it's doing what it's supposed to."

Something about the tone alerted Natalia, "Are you okay?"

Was she? Her headache was back but not surprising considering the noisy atmosphere of the ballroom. It seemed to be more than that though, a sense of melancholy; she realised she wasn't where she wanted to be or doing what she wanted to be doing. Somehow that depressed her no end. But was it fair to expect Natalia to jump every time she was getting down on herself? What right did she have to impose on her? At what point did she really care that Natalia had a life and responsibilities outside of hers that might require time away from her and that maybe her actions could be considered a little... selfish?

She had obviously taken too long to answer.

"Olivia? You still there?"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine. Just thought I'd step out for a minute." From the ballroom, the conversation or her mind, she wasn't sure which, "I think I scared Greg."

"Greg? Why? What did you do?" Natalia was trying to keep up. The phone had gone eerily quiet when she asked if Olivia was okay and she found herself straining to check for breathing on the other end of the line, too many other times Olivia had called when she seemed on the verge of collapse. The response she finally had did little to put her at ease.

"What you told me I should do?"

Natalia thought back, not many people could claim they had told Olivia to do something and it was done.

* * *

><p><em>Natalia looked at the obviously flushed woman facing off against a man she recognized as her son's warden and felt a moment of fear, "We need to go."<em>

_Olivia cut her off with a dismissive shake of her head and continued to attack, "How many men have been injured under your watch? How many have died? I want the records."_

"_Olivia." She wanted to stop this, now._

"_Why are you afraid of him? He's a petty bureaucrat incapable of doing his job!"_

_How could Olivia not understand? Natalia looked the warden in the eye and attempted to dissociate herself from the ranting woman beside her, "I'm very sorry."_

_Olivia would not be deterred, "Every time she comes here, her son, he has a bruise on his face; his arm is in a sling. People are working him over. What are you going to do to protect him?"_

_Natalia watched in awe at her fire, the spittle flying as she barely drew breath to force out her accusations and demands._

"_This is a prison. It's not my job to cushion the blow for prisoners like Rafael Rivera." Natalia swallowed, to hear her son described like that, it hurt but the warden did not care and continued, "It's his job to figure out how to survive. If he's here, it's because he deserves to be."_

_Natalia felt guilty. The warden was right, her son did something wrong, something terrible and he should be punished, she felt ashamed. Beside her, Olivia was relentless, "I'm going to have your job. I am a very good friend of Dinah Marler, WSPR. It's going to be a national story. Your face on the six o'clock news; how's that? That's just the beginning, Warden!"_

_The Warden simply smiled and looked smug, stepping up close to the pair of them, calmly and precisely stating, "You do whatever you have to," before walking passed them as if they were no longer worthy of his time or consideration._

_Natalia felt fear again. What had they done? What had Olivia done? What would this mean for Rafe? Her fear for her son magnified and as she stood internalizing her despair, she was also amazed at the determined and unyielding form of Olivia refusing to give up. She noticed the flushed look to her face again, the breathy nature of her speech as she started to pursue the Warden with words tinged in anger, "You think I'm kidding? You think I'm kidding? You don't know who I am..."_

_She only just managed to grab at her arm in time, manhandling her and raising her voice to match Olivia's own, "Calm down! Calm down!" Her fear for her son had transposed to fear for Olivia._

"_Sit!" she commanded and amazingly, without hesitation Olivia did. Not taking a moment to dwell on the sudden power she seemed to have over this woman she continued, "And calm down. For your own sake, please! _

_Her own ire stirring she threw her bag on the table and listened as Olivia petulantly vowed, "I won't let Rafe get beat up in here."_

_Feeling such an overwhelming sensation of love for this woman who had expressed such concern for her son, Natalia needed a moment to think and watching Olivia work herself up into another attack was not helping. "Alright, shh, be quiet!" The woman did as instructed again and ran a hand through her hair. Seating herself on the table Olivia sat at she looked more closely at her, worried at the closed eyes, pallid skin and apparent shakiness, maybe she could try one more instruction, "Breathe!"_

_She was beginning to wonder if she did in fact have some masterful control over this woman or whether the reason she fell into the chair so quickly was because she could no longer stand. When Olivia's eyes remained closed she felt compelled to ask, "Oh, God, are you going to die right here?"_

_Hands slammed on the tabletop, "You should be so lucky."_

_Horrified at the response, Natalia was almost relieved to see Olivia's shame at suggesting such a thing before closing her eyes once more._

_Natalia waited patiently, allowing Olivia time to regain enough energy to move, while pondering the implications of this latest visit. When Olivia's breathing appeared to have slowed and settled, Natalia suggested they leave, "Come on, we need to go. Are you ready?"_

_A strangely quiet and compliant Olivia nodded, gathered her things and stood. Natalia moved quickly to catch her as she appeared to faint. "Olivia?"_

"_It's okay, I'm okay, just stumbled... caught my foot..."_

_Disbelieving but wanting to get going, Natalia took Olivia's arm again and guided the pale woman to the passenger door of the car. "Get in, I'm driving," thankful but a little concerned when the older woman continued to do as she was told._

* * *

><p>Olivia could feel the puzzlement and chuckled, "The table arrangements?"<p>

"Oh... right." Natalia was finally catching on to what Olivia was talking about, "You liked them eh?"

"Well, they were a great reason to leave the party." Olivia sighed, "And speaking of which, I really should head back in there."

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

A vocal nod followed by a hesitation, "I'll call you later."

"I'll be here." _It's why I rearranged my day_, she thought.

The line went dead.

Olivia sat back in her chair. Could she play hooky and make excuses about this evening? Would that send the wrong message to Decker? She really wanted to sit and catch up with Natalia properly but would that be sending the wrong messages to Natalia? What message did she really want to send?

Realising her respite was actually doing more now in support of her headache than against it, she pulled herself together and headed back to the ballroom once more.

~/\~

Natalia closed her own phone and looked up as Buzz approached her table.

"Bad news?" he asked.

She shook her head and looked questioningly at her phone, "No."

"So why the face?"

"Hm? Oh it's nothing, I'm sure it's nothing." But saying it twice was doing little to convince Buzz and annoyingly, it was failing to convince herself.

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode 30th Oct 2008 which can be viewed here: .com/watch?v=M5pDSSPPW2I - with thanks to Otaliafan for the clips


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 4**

An auction, presentations, food, music and dancing, not to mention a lot of money raised for a worthy cause, all in all the fundraiser was considered a huge success. With most of the formal elements of the evening out of the way a party atmosphere was taking hold. Since the live band completed their set the music had upped in volume and Olivia was resisting the impulse to look at her watch, difficult to see in the subdued lighting required to make the most of the spotlights flashing and spinning in time with the beat.

When Decker tapped her on the arm and leant over to shout above the thudding bass, she was caught between relief they were finally going to leave and dread that the evening still wasn't totally over. Her whole body seemed to be pulsing, her brain having pounded out a tattoo in rhythm for the last half hour and she was sure she had read somewhere about loud music affecting biorhythms leading her to wonder if her pacemaker might start beeping in counterpoint at any second.

Decker had schmoozed at various tables during the event and obviously felt now was as good a time as any to leave.

"Drinks at Towers?" he shouted directly into her ear to be sure he was heard.

She nodded and taking the lead from her boss, stood up from the table and either waved farewell or shook hands with their dinner companions, dependent upon their proximity to her at the table.

She felt Decker's hand on the small of her back as he guided her around the packed dance floor and out into the cooler corridor; her hearing so abused it was as if she were swimming underwater.

"You know I like a party as much as the next guy but it's not particularly conducive to talk," Decker smiled.

Under other circumstances she might have flirted with him and said something like, 'Oh I don't know, talk can be overrated,' or 'The party was just getting started, I thought you would at least ask me to dance,' but she didn't feel like flirting. She didn't feel like much of anything at the moment.

Actually, that wasn't true.

The idea of a hot cup of coffee, some quiet conversation and the inevitable companionable silence with a certain someone was something she didn't just 'feel like' but very much desired. But she was the face of 'Galaxy', she mentally sighed, and her boss wanted to have some drinks with her.

Maybe a drink or two wouldn't be so bad. _Get a grip; remember you signed up for this._

"Change of venue may help if I can hear you over the ringing in my ears." _Not to mention the pounding in my head. I swear I've had this headache all day._

Decker chuckled and nodded agreement. "You know Olivia, I thought the staging of this event was very well organised. When we go out to visit I want to include you in some discussions with our events people."

Olivia genuinely smiled, ignoring the inevitable prospect of having to travel around Asia and accepting the compliment.

"I knew when we signed you we weren't just getting a pretty face."

"Why thank you Larry. Shall we?" She indicated the door and they made their way to Towers.

~/\~

"You know, you don't have to do that?"

"I know but look at it in here," Natalia gestured at the full tables and small crowd at the bar, "You're shorthanded and I'm not doing anything at the moment."

Buzz eyed her, "Doesn't Olivia pay you well enough?"

"To cover my legal fees?"

Buzz had the decency to look her in the eyes, "Alright, alright. Yes, I could use the help. Thank you Natalia."

Natalia did a little jump, smiled, grabbed the 'Company' apron from his hand and dashed off to continue bussing tables.

Buzz shook his head; he had never known anyone so keen and eager to work. Truthfully he was worried for the slight woman, now moving through the tables to clear away empty plates and smiling at his customers. Although she appeared to have a boundless optimism he knew life had tested her faith and he wondered how much longer she could continue to burn her candle at both ends. Having to meet the demands of Olivia Spencer on a daily basis was just one element of her current situation he couldn't fathom.

Sure, there was the 'Gus' connection he understood that but it went deeper.

Olivia had provided Natalia with an incredible opportunity and where his son, Frank, might believe it was just another way for Olivia to manipulate the at times painfully naive and trusting younger woman, Buzz more than most, had seen beyond the businesswoman's sometimes harsh veneer. Regardless of how much she purported to be untouchable and independent he also knew some of Olivia's darkest most telling secrets. No matter how much she played on her 'bitch' image, he knew she had a big heart.

And for whatever reason that heart had found a place for Natalia.

He had seen the look on her face...

* * *

><p><em>He was working behind the bar at Company, wiping some glasses. It had been a steady afternoon so far, the highlights being Olivia's presence and the news bulletin regarding Rafe's trial being pushed up having secured a new lawyer. <em>

_When he tried to question Olivia and what she knew about this new lawyer and what her involvement was in the whole affair she just waved him off, claiming to know nothing about it and bringing his attention back to her news._

_Olivia was excited and bubblier than the bad champagne they had just shared to celebrate her having made a deal with Lawrence Decker to work for Galaxy Hotels._

_He was happy for her, originally he thought she had turned Decker down but something must have happened to cause her to change her mind. Although he had been reluctant to serve her alcohol knowing her condition, her mood was so infectious he realised he didn't really have a choice and kept a careful eye on her as she sipped her single glass allowance. Besides, he really did felt like celebrating following the news about Rafe._

_When Olivia suggested he take some time off he faced her with the reality he was shorthanded and watched her face when she inquired after Natalia, the bald statement of her belief the younger woman needed all the work she could get. Feeling sympathy for the absent woman and her current woes he pointed out the different circles they moved in and reminded Olivia how Natalia was trying to survive every day._

_Her spirit and sense of occasion not to be deterred she raised her glass for another swig and discarded his comments in favour of prolonging her good times but he could see her mind at work behind her eyes._

_He was distracted then by a call from Rafe, the young man needed guidance and reassurance, Buzz could tell he was afraid. His earlier party mood diminishing as his call ended, he noted Olivia on her cell but didn't tune in until he heard her say, 'Natalia?' and her tone changed. _

_Trying to disguise his eavesdropping he continued to wipe around the bar hearing only one further word, 'Compliant?', before Olivia closed her cell and turned with a pensive look on her face._

"_What's wrong?"_

_She looked troubled as she returned her cell to her bag. "Huh? What makes you think anything is wrong?"_

"_Okay." Not sure he felt like taking Olivia on he went with, "Forget about it."_

_Olivia sighed, "I don't need this. It's nothing." She waved a hand at him, picked up her bag and moved around the bar to the exit. Almost to the end of the bar she staggered and braced herself, his arm instinctively reached out, "Hey, wait." He watched as she stood with her eyes closed, "What is it? Is it your heart?"_

_Opening her eyes and shaking her head she tried to convince him with a smile, "I'm okay, Buzz."_

_He wouldn't be played, "How many times has this happened before?"_

_Cutting him off she answered, "I… It's heartburn I told you."_

"_It's not heartburn, this isn't the champagne." He took her arm, "Come on."_

"_Where're we going?"_

"_We're going to go across the street. We're going to the hospital."_

"_Buzz…"_

_Her protests notwithstanding, he escorted her to Cedars. He was worried; several times during the course of their impromptu celebration she had looked uncomfortable. Now she looked troubled again and sat staring and playing with her phone while he attempted to find a doctor before she fled, her patience obviously wearing thin._

_Whatever was weighing on her mind however was far more important than her physical health because his efforts to find out what was taking so long allowed her the necessary time to make her escape._

_He didn't see her again until almost forty-five minutes later when she came breezing back into Company with Natalia in tow, her mood once again ebullient _

"_Unbelievable, that guy was such a sleaze," Olivia laughed. _

_Buzz immediately moved towards them as Natalia threw her jacket down on a barstool, clearly not sharing Olivia's amusement._

"_Err what's…what's happening?" the polar opposites before him having reversed their normal personalities and moods to confuse him even further._

"_Nothing. It's over." Olivia's tone elated and final._

_Natalia finally spoke, her actions clearly displaying her anger as she turned to face Olivia and seethed, "How dare you?"_

"_How…? Excuse me?" Olivia was stunned, her mood instantly reverting to one of challenge._

"_What do you think is going to happen to Rafe now?"_

"_I just saved your butt in there."_

"_Oh who asked you to?"_

"_Ah, look. What's going on here?" Buzz tried to interject, there was more to this story but the pair before him seemed only focused on each other._

"_He was all over you!" Olivia's voice was rising in pitch and indignation._

All over her?

"_Yeah well he's the best lawyer in town right? You said so yourself, and now he's not going to help Rafe."_

_Buzz could hear the emotion catch in Natalia's voice, _what on earth had happened?

"_What would you have to do for that help?"_

"_Oh nothing that you wouldn't do, Olivia, for Ava or for Emma."_

"_That's different."_

"_Well how's that different?"_

"_Because I'm me and you're you!"_

_Buzz tried again to calm the suddenly heated conversation before him, "Look could you take it down a notch you two," he turned to Olivia admonishing, "your heart..."_

"_Oh!" Olivia frustrated and Natalia instantly shifting her focus, "What's going on with your heart now?"_

_Buzz attempted to explain, "She just came back from the hospital…"_

"_And my heart is fine, my heart is fine!" She drew the word out, ending with emphasis before turning back to Natalia to accuse, "Gus's heart is all you really care about. Right?"_

_Clearly taken aback but still angered, Natalia's overriding nature poked through to throw out, "Well just sit down then."_

"_Oh, like I'm going to take your help when you won't take mine. Button your shirt!"_

_Buzz didn't watch as she stormed away, he had finally made the connection and joined the dots. Knowing she needed to know he told Natalia, "She wouldn't talk to the doctor because she was worried about you."_

_A small sigh of frustration and Natalia turned to shout after Olivia's back, "I can take care of myself!"_

_But Buzz wondered if that were actually true and whether Natalia, forlornly stood at the bar drawing her blouse together, really knew the extent of Olivia's concern._

* * *

><p>It wasn't long after that Olivia had collapsed outside and he witnessed Natalia begging her to not give up, a sentiment he wholeheartedly shared. Then, when Natalia became her personal assistant, Buzz realised it was a role she had been fulfilling for some time, jumping every time Olivia called. It was glaringly obvious they cared about each other; Natalia had even gone away for a few days with Olivia and Emma recently, returning with a swollen ankle for her exploits.<p>

He vowed to speak to her about taking on so much, if Olivia was really sick again Natalia's kind-hearted nature would prevent her from telling the powerful woman 'no'.

So what was it about the phone call Natalia received earlier this evening and the look on her face which made him think of Olivia?

Something was up, something was most definitely up.

~/\~

"Another martini please," Decker signalled the bartender indicating two more drinks, one for himself and one for his alluring companion.

He had been delighted when Olivia changed her mind and signed the deal to work for him; the woman had an uncanny business acumen and fairly radiated appeal, all in a sophisticated, stylish package. They were on their fourth round of drinks and Decker was enjoying himself immensely, it wasn't often he found such a beautiful, intelligent woman to discuss his favourite subjects with, and he was pleased he had planned to have the company owners visit to meet his prized find.

His previous concerns regarding Olivia's physical health appeared unfounded. When he had first made enquiries around Springfield he had heard a lot of talk regarding Olivia's heart transplant but watching her this evening was finally putting those fears to rest. As Olivia herself had said, she had an eight year old daughter and if she could keep up with her...

The days away she had taken seemed to have done wonders for her too, he couldn't quite put his finger on it but she appeared a little more relaxed. His slightly lecherous side couldn't help thinking if _he_ had time away with her gorgeous assistant, he would probably be more relaxed too, in fact, thinking about it, the only thing which would make this evening sweeter would be if Natalia made an appearance.

~/\~

Olivia was holding out hope that the next martini might actually do the trick and put her out of her misery, passing out in an unceremonious heap and potentially ending her short career as a hotel spokesperson.

To say it was purely through stubborn will, and the use of her elbow resting on the table to prop her head in her hand, that was keeping her upright was most likely one of the grandest understatements in history.

Her eyelids felt heavy, a look she was sure was being misinterpreted as seductive and she was starting to believe, for all her years in the hotel industry, she knew virtually nothing in comparison to the endless and effusive knowledge Decker had managed to spew at her in the last couple of hours.

She had gulped down the fresh air on their journey to Towers in an attempt to clear her head and reasoned the alcohol would spike her adrenaline and keep her a conscious if not altogether entertaining participant as the evening wore on.

_Why didn't I take Natalia up on her offer and have a pre-arranged emergency to attend to? Oh that's right, because it'd be a little too high school to do that and obvious. Pah! I run a hotel! There has to be something that needs my immediate attention, hmm... did I leave the iron on?_

Olivia shook herself and sipped at her newly arrived drink.

"So how long has Natalia worked for you Olivia?"

"Hm? Oh, just under a year," she lied. It wasn't a big lie; Natalia _had_ worked for her for that length of time just not in the capacity Decker knew about. "She's moved up in the company." Olivia giggled a little at her own private joke and then eyed the martini as if it might betray her.

"Well, she's definitely a find."

"And I found her." _Whoa, easy tiger._ She could feel her hackles rising and her headache ratcheted up a notch forcing her to close her eyes. Concerned what her drinking buddy might think she smiled, opened her eyes and taking a deep breath exhaled slowly as if to emphasise the point she was about to make. "It's never going to happen Larry. I told you, you have to convince _her_ first and she has far too much going on here in Springfield to take up any offer you can make."

"Oh, now that sounds like a challenge."

She could feel her jaw muscles clenching as she pulled her smile wider, "Trust me Larry, you're wasting your time."

He looked at his watch, "Think she'll still be up?"

Holding his gaze, she wanted to wipe the smug, superior look off his face but she also recognised the opportunity he had presented, this could be the lifeline she was searching for. Opening her bag to retrieve her phone she kept her eyes locked with Decker's and dialled.

~/\~

The evening rush was over and Natalia sat at the bar sipping a coffee and poring over the local newspaper. She had already scoured through the job pages, an activity which had become second nature to her even with her current employment with Olivia, and had now moved on to look at properties. Since the sale of her house she was looking to use the money from the sale wisely.

Buzz finished wiping the glass in his hand, calling out a goodnight to his leaving patrons and turned to regard the intent young woman occupying the space before him. Her expressive face moved from wistful, to perplexed, to chagrin as she moved down the listings.

"See something you like?"

"Hm?" She looked up at him and smiled, "Plenty. See anything I can afford? Not so much."

"Well, it's not like you have to decide tonight."

She nodded and turned to look at her phone resting on the bar where she placed it.

"You expecting a call?"

"What?"

"Your phone, you've been playing with it all night."

Had she? "Have I?" He nodded and raised his brows. "Oh, I just..."

"What?"

"It's silly but I was convinced Olivia was going to call."

"Olivia? She's alright isn't she?" Buzz was beginning to think his earlier concerns were well founded and maybe now would be a good time to speak to Natalia about easing up a bit, she had worked non-stop this evening and was even now waiting on Olivia.

Natalia hesitated, she didn't want to worry Buzz he was a good friend to Olivia but Olivia had seemed a little off to her all day and it was unusual not to have heard from her. Maybe she was just being a mother hen again.

"She's fine, I just knew she had a lot planned for this evening and figured she'd need my help." She felt about as convincing as earlier, "Obviously I was wrong and the evening went better than we thought it would."

"It certainly worked out well for me. Really Natalia, thank you for jumping in earlier..." he was about to say more.

She flashed a fully dimpled smile at him and took a step off the bar stool to stand up and gather her things, "Glad I could help."

As she turned to go her cell began to vibrate. Surprised, she looked to Buzz before looking back down to the phone again and answering it, "Hello? Olivia?"

By the way she grabbed her things and moved to the door with barely a glance behind; Buzz guessed she had been right after all.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 26th Sept 2008 Part 1 here: .com/watch?v=H1KGTGCBphg and Part 2 here:.com/watch?v=9X2obI2QmXw...feature=related - with thanks to gidgegrl16 for the clips


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 5**

Olivia clicked her phone shut and returned it to her bag. A small part of her was surprised Natalia was still awake but for the most part, she really had little doubt of her availability. The perverse side of her idly wondered if she had phoned at some ridiculous hour in the morning would the younger woman have so readily come running and without hesitation she knew the answer was yes, she would.

Not that she had waited for an answer to confirm Natalia was coming now.

Concerned she was baiting Natalia into the lion's den and reaching the limits of her stamina, Olivia hoped her message had conveyed all necessary meaning without alerting Decker to a possible alternative outcome to the one he was planning.

"She's on her way."

"Excellent, I'll get another round of drinks in."

Decker signalled the bartender again and Olivia resisted the urge to drop her head onto the table.

~/\~

From the moment her phone rang Natalia's heart rate increased. True, she had been expecting a call but as the hours passed by her confidence waned and she was beginning to feel as foolish as she had in the elevator earlier when she failed to communicate on any meaningful level with Olivia beyond work.

Now she had taken the call, the underlying feeling gnawing at her all evening blossomed upon hearing Olivia's voice say those three words, "I need you."

When the line went dead before she had a chance to respond, she had literally stopped in her tracks to stare at her cell for all of three seconds, at once vindicated and yet strangely on edge.

With such a short message Natalia had little opportunity to gauge any clues from Olivia's voice as to what state she was in but the choice of words spoke volumes to her. Olivia needed help.

Wasting no more time she entered Towers and looked around the bar.

~/\~

Waiting seemed an interminably long time when your drinking companion moved on to financial topics, another area in which Decker could enthuse. Maintaining interest while her brain pushed at the back of her eyeballs, Olivia took another sip of her drink and wished for the nth time it was water.

"Good evening Mr Decker, Olivia."

Just hearing her voice released enough tension in Olivia's body she feared she would physically fold and slump like a puppet with its strings cut.

Natalia stood at their table surreptitiously counting the number of empty glasses and calculating how many had already been taken away.

"Natalia, so glad you could make it. Here," he pointed at the untouched glass of alcohol positioned before an empty seat.

"Oh." Natalia genuinely taken aback glanced at Olivia and read 'get me out of here' in her glazed eyes. "Well, that's very kind of you however it was fortuitous you called Olivia," she turned to face her boss, "You wanted me to remind you about that call to Dubai?"

The glazed look turned to one of confusion, the alcohol addling her brain, "Dubai?"

Decker watched them intently.

Raising her brows to emphasise her words Natalia tried again, "Yes, Dubai. You had a meeting arranged with Mr Morio at the Burj-Al-Arab?"

This time Olivia's eyes widened and finally caught a clue.

"Everything alright Olivia? Something I should know about?" Decker's curiosity peaked at hearing the name of the general manager of the famous hotel.

"What? Oh no, no we just met at a seminar and with the time differences and our schedules..."

He nodded understandingly and Olivia hoped the evening's alcohol would be a deficit to Decker's capacity to think and prevent any further questioning. Conversely she dreaded the impact it would have on her ability to stand and concentrated on getting her legs under her knowing the next momentous task would be actually keeping upright.

"Well surely you _both_ don't have to leave?"

_Damn it! _The women looked at each other, this time Natalia flashing a 'get me out of here' look.

"Ah ah ah Larry," Olivia wagged a finger at him, "No can do. Miss Rivera has other duties to attend to." _Like getting me outta here before I fall on my face._

After staring at them with a look of puzzlement and deciding he couldn't figure it out he chuckled and looked at his watch, "Well I guess it is getting pretty late." He poured the remains of his glass down his throat and stood with them. "Olivia, it's been a wonderful evening. Natalia, I'll be in touch to confirm the details for that conference call." He winked at them both and left the bar.

"Was that some Jedi mind trick? You should teach me that." Natalia watched amazed at Decker's departing back.

"If I could, I would've used it earlier."

Instantly, the moment he disappeared from view, Natalia felt the weight of Olivia leaning on her, "Please, get me out of here."

"Olivia?"

Natalia had noted Olivia's flushed skin when she approached the table, clearly the amount of alcohol consumed contributing to the overly 'healthy' glow, now though it appeared sallow and pale, her eyes heavy and bruised.

"I'm not sure I can make it."

"Yes you can. Here." Natalia put her arm around Olivia's waist and felt Olivia's arm settle around her shoulders.

"Dubai eh? What made you think of that?"

"Time difference and an article I was reading earlier today."

They made their way steadily through the bar.

"Well it was a gamble. People like Lawrence Decker know all the important bigwig names."

"Do you think he'll check?" Natalia worried her off the cuff ruse would cause more aggravation than help.

"At the moment I don't really care but I don't think so."

They paused as they reached outside and Olivia winced suddenly, raising her hand to her brow line.

"Olivia? What is it?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"You are so obviously not fine."

Silence.

"Just a headache."

"The same one?"

Was Natalia annoyed at her?

"Could you keep your voice down?" Olivia leant back against the wall, her hand gesturing to lower the volume.

"How much did you have to drink anyway?"

Keeping her eyes closed to avoid the berating look she knew she would find in the younger woman's dark eyes she conceded, "Too much."

There was a moment of silence as Natalia was obviously studying her, "Have you actually eaten anything today?"

"I had something at the fundraiser."

"Something? What exactly?"

Feeling like she was being treated like a child but too tired to put up much of a protest she shrugged, "I don't know..."

"Olivia it was a buffet event, you had to go and choose something? Did you?"

"Yes, maybe, I don't know!" Her head was really starting to pound.

Frustrated, Natalia voiced her thoughts, "What is it with you that you continually ignore when there is something wrong with your health?" She was struggling to keep her voice down in deference to Olivia's request, "My God Olivia, your heart..."

Green eyes flashed at her, "And why does it always come back to my heart Natalia huh?"

* * *

><p><em>Natalia couldn't help it, she was upset and when she was upset, she cried. She sat outside of Company on the stairway leading up to her boarding room, waiting for Buzz and considering the events of the day. Earlier, Frank had bugged her about taking her shift so she could have some time to herself so when she received a call from Olivia and something about the way the woman sounded raised little alarm bells ringing, Natalia took Frank up on his offer and made a beeline to the Beacon.<em>

_When she arrived she was perplexed as Maria, the head housekeeper, had not requested her and part of her wondered if this was another of Olivia's silly, petty little games. Deciding to confront Olivia about it she headed to the hotel owner's suite and thumped on the door._

_She began to get nervous as she waited and when the door finally flew open and she stepped inside her nervousness turned to curiosity. Clothes were strewn around the room and very little was in the case laying open on the bed._

_Her boss hadn't turned to look at her once, fixated on a turquoise shirt she was holding and Natalia was surprised when Olivia finally, in her haltingly expressive way, got to the point and asked her for help._

_She knew it pained her to ask._

_Watching her as Olivia listed all the things she knew she still had to do and then voicing her request in a method designed to guilt her, Natalia felt pity. The woman was obviously at the end of her rope, clearly unwell and yet obstinate in her refusal to give up._

_Natalia agreed to help, her heart warming when Olivia finally raised her eyes to look at her, most likely shocked Natalia had actually said yes. _

_What followed was a nerve-wracking yet exhilarating experience as Olivia put all her trust in her and between them they managed to convince Decker to change his, and consequently Olivia's, plans. This then afforded Natalia the time to force Olivia to carry out her side of the agreement, to go to the hospital and get checked out._

_Hence the reason she was sitting here now. _

'_Chronic rejection,' Rick had said, 'back on the heart transplant list'._

_As her own fear magnified she watched as Olivia closed down and practically dismissed her._

_She was still contemplating and drying her eyes when the object of her contemplation strode round the corner. Leaping to her feet she couldn't hold back the incredulousness in her voice as she questioned, "What are you doing?"_

"_Getting takeout," Olivia's demeanor was grim._

"_You're supposed to be checking into the hospital!"_

"_I'm supposed to be making arrangements for myself and my family, okay? So I'm going to get some food."_

_Natalia sighed heavily, unbelieving of this woman and her inability to accept she needed to deal with this._

"_I don't know how long I'm going to be in there." Natalia listened as Olivia's voice expressed her concerns and then changed to one of confusion and disbelief as she tried to make sense of her situation, "I just crossed the street, and I'm alright."_

_She could feel her tears welling again._

"_My God, why are you crying? Why are you crying?"_

_Natalia hadn't realized she was, "I'm not. I'm fine."_

"_You are fine."_

"_Yeah."_

_Olivia sounded angry now, "So those are tears for Rafe, because I don't want pity. I don't need your pity."_

"_You know, it was upsetting news."_

"_I told you not to go. Okay, it was nice of you to take me over there and stick with me, but I didn't ask you to do it, alright? I don't need someone to take notes or be strong for me and like Rick said, we knew this could happen."_

"_No, I didn't know that this could happen, okay? The thought of... another transplant?" Knowing how much it had cost Olivia before, Natalia feared for her ability to survive another recuperation period, let alone an operation._

_Olivia pulled her mouth back into a toothless smile, "I knew it."_

_Natalia was confused, why was it when they were together they always argued? She huffed out a sigh, her earlier tears and sympathy retreating behind her rising ire. She couldn't resist poking back as they faced off against each other, "What?"_

_Olivia leaned forward into Natalia's face, "This isn't about me. You're crying over Gus' heart," and with that accusation she walked away._

_Openmouthed and dumbfounded, Natalia stared at Olivia's back before following her into Company. She noticed Olivia hoisting herself with some difficulty onto one of the barstools and then listened, her anger growing as Olivia continued, "I'm just the freezer keeping your husband's heart on ice."_

_She heard the catch as Olivia drew breath mid-sentence, the stumble as her strength momentarily gave way and Natalia knew she needed to put an end to this, "Oh, no, stop it."_

_But Olivia would not be stopped and continued her tirade, "Don't you think his heart means a little more to me than it does to you? After all, it's the only thing keeping me alive right now, though it's not doing a very good job."_

_Natalia was worried. Where she preferred the simplicity of a few tears to express her frustrations, Olivia was clearly working herself up and using anger. She had to get her to calm down, "Alright, Olivia..."_

_On a roll, Olivia bulldozed over her, "But that's my fault, too, isn't it? That's my fault, because I haven't taken very good care of myself. I haven't taken very good... and I didn't appreciate it when you offered it to me. When did you decide that I was good enough for it, Natalia?"_

_She had heard enough and Olivia's face was alarmingly red now, "Oh, will you please stop?"_

"_You stop it! Because you don't give a damn about me."_

_Natalia watched, intuitively realizing Olivia needed to say this, needed to vent but hurt nonetheless by the accusations she made; Natalia did care._

"_Staying over there at that hospital, that was all about you. 'Dr. Rick, what's the verdict on the heart?'" she mimicked, "I bet you would rather me risk my life then to get a new heart, because it was never really mine to begin with, was it?"_

"_That's not true..." _

_Olivia was struggling to draw breath now but incapable of stopping. She was hurt, Natalia understood that and Olivia's natural response was to attack, "But I can't really blame you for that, because you know what? Your dead husband's heart is all you've got, Natalia, because your poor, fugitive son is off in jail somewhere for who knows how long." Olivia was gesticulating wildly now, her voice wavering and juddering on the verge of crying as she forced out the last of her verbal assault, "And all you can do is find something new to obsess over to pass the time."_

_Out of steam at last, Olivia put her hand over her mouth and was unable to stop the tears that finally came._

"_Was it worth it? Making yourself sicker, so you could tell me off?" Natalia kept her voice even, "And you're absolutely right. Why on earth would I care about you?" She almost couldn't bear to look at the woman she had worried over for the last several hours. "Why would anyone, when you treat people the way you do?" Natalia truly didn't understand it._

_She watched as Olivia regained her composure and held her gaze before stepping down from the barstool, grabbing her bag and walking passed her without another word._

_Natalia wanted to say more, how it hadn't been about Gus for a long time but she just stood there, devastated and feeling such compassion for the woman yet unable to express it, it was like trying to hug a hedgehog._

* * *

><p>Knowing it wouldn't serve either of them to persist with that line of thinking Natalia closed her mouth to whatever she was about to say and changed tack. Angry but nevertheless bothered at seeing Olivia in such distress, Natalia soothed her tone, "Are you ready to get going again or do you need a few more minutes?" She looked away for a moment to scan their surroundings, "Decker might come back."<p>

Annoyed with herself for attacking the one person who was helping her Olivia gave an almost imperceptible nod of her head and pushed away from the wall. Whimpering, she fell back.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Natalia's arm instinctively reached up to steady her and rubbed Olivia's arm in comfort.

"My eyes... dizzy."

Unsure if that was the drink, her headache or a lethal combination of both Natalia probed further, "Okay, what about your eyes? Is it your vision?"

Eyelids carefully cracked open and then slammed shut.

She nodded slightly, "Blurry, wiggly lines."

Natalia frowned, "How long has this been going on?"

"Since the fundraiser... got worse later." Olivia was pressing the palms of her hands against her brow line as if to push her brain back inside her head. "The wiggly lines are new, thought the blurriness was the alcohol."

_Since the fundraiser?_ This was getting silly, how could the woman have persisted through the evening feeling the way she obviously did and... reining in her exasperation at the maddeningly infuriating woman pathetically propped against the wall beside her, Natalia couldn't shake the alarm bells that started ringing, "Do you feel like you want to be sick at all?"

Green eyes flashed at her, no doubt remembering her recent sickness at the cabin. "A little bit, yeah." She drew in a shuddering breath.

"Olivia, I think you might have a migraine. Have you ever had one before?"

"I... I think so. Not as bad as this though." She could actually feel her brain pulsing now and pushing at her eyeballs again; her stomach lurched.

Empathising with the abject misery radiating off the woman before her, Natalia took her arm and levered her away from the wall. Keeping her voice soft and quiet she coaxed, "Come on, let's get you out of here."

~/\~

Somehow they made it back to the Beacon; every step to the car a clap of thunder resonating through her skull. When they pulled up to the hotel Natalia spoke briefly to her to see if she wanted to take the service elevators, a tempting suggestion but Olivia's pride refused to allow her to skulk through her own hotel, especially as to the casual observer she looked like the victim of a great night out on the town.

Crossing the foyer had its own challenges however.

"Miss Spencer!"

Both women stopped and turned back to see the night manager, Jessica, standing behind the reception desk beckoning them to her.

"Yes?" her voice, a husky imitation of her usual commanding tone, still managed to convey in one word a layer of irritation.

Working in the hotel industry allowed you to become familiar with all walks of life and Jessica considered herself an astute observer of human nature, it was one of the reasons she felt she had been promoted to this role. Watching as her employer changed direction and headed towards her, her skills were warning this probably wasn't the best time to be flagging her down; a fact backed up when she reached her. She noticed how her often mercurial boss had a white-knuckle grip on the desk and how Natalia was standing very closely by her side, trying to look like she wasn't watching over Olivia like a hawk. Although she knew Olivia had some health issues in the past, the faint odour of alcohol drew her to a false conclusion and having made that assumption she discarded and filed it under 'none of her business', another reason she was promoted she was sure.

"Sorry Miss Spencer, I thought you'd like to know we had a little trouble in room 204."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble?" her brain pulsed.

"The 'we had to call security' trouble."

"Is everyone okay? Was anyone hurt?" _Trust Natalia to ask the important questions, I was wondering about damage to the room._

Jessica shook her head, "No thankfully. I've put an incident report through to you but I know how you don't like surprises and as I saw you I thought I'd give you the heads up."

"Okay, thanks Jessica."

"No problem, goodnight," she smiled at them both.

Olivia smiled faintly at her and gathered the courage to let go of the desk, reassured by Natalia's presence impossibly close beside her.

Finally making it inside the elevator Olivia groaned.

"Hey, we're nearly there. You going to make it?"

"Uh huh," Olivia wanted to turn everything off, everything. She sucked in a breath.

Exiting the elevator, the corridor lighting was too bright for Olivia's sensitive eyes, so with her eyelids squinted almost shut and her left hand permanently affixed to shade her brow, Natalia guided her to her suite and left her sagged against the doorframe as she worked the key card to open the door.

Leaving the main light off, Natalia steered Olivia to the bed and then went to the opposing bedside lamp to switch it on, dimming it to a more tolerable level.

Olivia had lain down on the bed, her right arm across her eyes while her left hand clenched by her side, her whole body taut with tension as she tried to fight against the pain in her skull.

"Here, take this." Natalia handed her a glass with what looked like cloudy water, she hadn't even heard her moving around the room, the pulsing in her head was so loud. Sensing some hesitation Natalia clarified, "They're soluble, hopefully they'll work faster."

Raising her head to take a sip the walls wavered and she clenched her jaw tight in response.

"What is it? Are you going to be sick?"

Keeping her jaw clenched and using the smallest of movements to shake her head she fought down the nausea and really wished Natalia would stop talking about being sick.

She could feel her shoes being removed, an act she normally would have done as soon as she entered the room but her feet only cared the shoes were gone and almost sighed from their release. Then Natalia's hand was at her shoulder, a gentle persuasive voice in her ear, "Olivia, can you sit up for me?"

She wasn't sure she could but the faint tugging at her arm implied Natalia wasn't going to take no for an answer. Keeping her eyes firmly closed she sat up.

Her level of awareness was such it took a moment for her to realise she was now leaning against Natalia and the younger woman was holding her in a loose embrace to reach behind her to unzip her dress, an act which earlier inspired pleasant tingles but now, to her distorted hearing, droned like a chainsaw.

Natalia pulled away slightly and peeled Olivia's dress from her shoulders. "Let me get you out of this dress, you'll be comfier," a voice sounded very close to her ear. With her current migraine status by rights it should have sounded like a bullhorn but it didn't, it sounded angelic, safe.

Not wanting to give up her comfy spot she whimpered again as Natalia pulled further away but then she felt a hand close over her arm and assist her in removing it from the sleeve. The act was repeated for her other arm and she could feel the coolness of the air against her chest as her dress gaped forward.

"Okay, lie back."

She was gently lowered back to the pillow.

"I just need you to lift up for me," came the instruction and Olivia raised her butt from the mattress to allow Natalia to slip the dress down, over the swell of her hips until her legs were lifted and the dress completely removed.

She could feel skin against her skin as fingers grazed her sides.

"What are you doing?" she whispered, even that hurt.

"Shh... relax Olivia, just relax."

Then she realised Natalia was removing her hose, peeling them away like another layer of skin, the cool air baptising her limbs' freedom.

Blankets covered her.

How many times was Natalia going to do this for her? How many times had she done it already?

Her mind was whirling and she couldn't stop the pain. Squirming, she tried to find a comfortable position to lie in.

"Hey," a cool hand was brushing over her brow, "Olivia."

Olivia opened her eyes enough to see Natalia crouched down beside the bed, one hand holding one of her facecloths.

"Here, this should help." The facecloth was cold as Natalia folded it and laid it across her forehead. For a moment her pain spiked and then receded to a dull ache. "If you can, you should drink this."

Earlier all she had wanted was a glass of water, now she doubted her ability to be able sit up and drink it.

"Help me up?" she rasped.

"Sure. Ready?"

Olivia nodded and Natalia moved in behind her to act as a living backrest, she was surprised but pathetically grateful. Waiting for her equilibrium to even out before opening her eyes again, she sipped at the glass before her. Natalia then moved the glass to the nightstand and with one arm wrapped around her in an embrace, raised her other to hold the cooling compress against her skull.

"Better?"

It was crazy, here she was after one of the longest days she could remember having drunk too much, eaten too little and suffering the effects of a migraine, it was the best she had felt all day.

"Much," she murmured then promptly passed out.

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode: 13th Oct 2008 viewable either here .com/watch?v=nLIFbFRY7Xk or if you prefer HD -.com/watch?v=Kec8vPZsOwA with thanks to Otaliafan and Solari111 for the clips


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 6**

"Olivia?" Natalia was concerned when Olivia's body relaxed suddenly and no further words were forthcoming. Maintaining her hold on her she bent forward to rest her cheek against Olivia's hair and gently squeezed, needing to hug the beleaguered woman before sitting back again and kissing the top of her head.

She was grateful Olivia's eyes had remained shut earlier as she undressed her and therefore didn't see the way Natalia's eyes were drawn to the faded but still present green and yellow bruising; a large mottled area dominating her left side and multiple faint stripes at regular intervals across her back.

The bruises on her back made her angry. They were a reminder of when Olivia inserted herself into a situation Natalia was quite capable of handling on her own and the price of that interference was an aggressive shove against a shelving unit and the marks still evident today.

Remembering, Natalia had been angry back then too, angry at Olivia for…what? Trying to save the day? Coming to the rescue? To save her…?

Had she been ungrateful? At the time her anger had petered out, unable to stay mad at the woman when Olivia fell sick but Natalia realized, it wasn't the first time the woman had stepped in to save her…

* * *

><p><em>She had been worrying about Rafe, as usual. Her baby needed her, needed help and she was prepared to do anything she could to provide that help.<em>

_Olivia had been kind enough to recommend and secure a lawyer for her, the best apparently, and Natalia had been delighted when he agreed to accept the case, challenge or not. It wasn't until later reality set in; Vince Russo was very, very expensive because he was allegedly very, very good._

_Practical as ever and not to be denied, Natalia had suggested ways in which she could subsidize the costs, helping out with office work, anything, she was more than willing to work to pay her way, she just wanted to give her son the greatest possibility of an early release. _

_Innocently, she thought Russo kind when he smiled at her and told her to say no more, there were many ways costs could be covered and he was sure they could work out an arrangement to satisfy them both._

_So here she was, conservatively dressed in her navy skirt suit, being escorted by Russo's secretary into his vacant office to pay her dues._

"_I thought Mr. Russo was expecting me." She wanted this to be over and was disappointed he wasn't there to meet her._

"_He won't be long. Can I get you anything?"_

_Always trying to find the good in everyone, Natalia chose to ignore the condescending tone, "No. I'm fine."_

"_Here's your son's file," the secretary handed her a thin sheaf of documents._

"_Thanks," she took the slim volume and began to leaf through it._

"_You're here to discuss Mr. Russo's bill?"_

_Natalia looked up from the file disconcerted, "Is that what he told you?"_

_The secretary's eyes ran up and down her length before responding in a vaguely disgusted and superior tone, "I took a stab." She then turned and walked away, leaving Natalia feeling suddenly very dirty and exposed. Facing the wall she looked down at herself and idly played with her open necked blouse, did she really look that… slutty?_

_Before she could make the decision to maybe do up another button, Vince Russo walked in apologizing, "So sorry to keep you waiting," and closed the door._

_Finally, Natalia was going to get somewhere with getting her son out of jail, she really wanted her baby to come home and here was the man who had the power to make it happen. Could he do it?_

_Earnest and sincere Natalia asked, "I need… I would like an honest answer."_

"_Okay."_

_She was nervous, "If I... if we - if we work together, what are his chances?" She needed to believe he could make a difference._

_Picking up Rafe's file, Russo considered her question, "The mayor has been milking this for everything it's got."_

_Natalia knew this, "I know."_

"_But," he turned away from the file to look at her and encouraged, "she's not the only one who knows how to play this game."_

"_She's not?" _What did that mean? Is this a game? This is my son's future_._

"_No, she's not. And I think you're starting to figure that out, too." He hitched a leg up and propped himself on the desk, "Look, I admit I'm brash, confident... it's my business. If I'm not that way, I don't get what I want. I also know the other reason you're here. You're concerned about my bill. So let's discuss it, like adults."_

_She could do that, couldn't she? She shrugged her agreement, she knew what he was driving at, she wasn't that naïve but still, she was nervous. Her anxiety rose as he turned to work the intercom, "Sheila, take the rest of the day off. Thank you."_

_Regardless of what she thought of or how she had treated Natalia, knowing the secretary was on the other side of the door provided Natalia with some sense of security, now she felt vulnerable and very alone._

_Rooted to the spot, almost frozen and afraid to move, she watched as Russo continued to smarm his way around the room, around her._

"_It's called pro bono."_

"_Excuse me?" Maybe she was naïve, she wasn't sure what that was but she didn't like the implication._

"_See I don't ask my clients how much they can pay, I ask how much I can help?" He was showing her some figures in a ledger, lecturing her on how the system worked, "Then we come to an accommodation, something for everybody."_

_Okay, she understood and he was laying it out for her; she wondered how many times he had given this well rehearsed spiel. When his cell phone starting ringing he seemed annoyed, this was obviously not part of his plans and truthfully she was hoping it would be the distraction she needed to put this off to another day, her nerve was slipping._

"_You going to get that?"_

"_Yeah, hold on a second." He reached in his pocket for his phone, "Russo."He paused, listening, "Hey hey hey, it's my most beautiful client."_

_Natalia tried not to listen, her mind sorting through wanting this meeting over and doing what she had to do for her son._

"_Well, I don't say it to the guys."_

_She pitied whoever was on the other end of the phone as the lawyer turned on the charm, it was a little sickening._

"_Oh, and what a face it is. Congrats. Listen, I've got to run. I'm with a client. In fact, thank you for the referral. It's Natalia Rivera."_

Referral? Wait a minute, who is he talking to? Is that Olivia? Why was she calling?

_Russo was looking at her again lasciviously and her skin wanted to crawl._

"_We're just working out some kinks. I wish all of my clients were so… compliant."_

Did he just say that? To Olivia? Oh my God, what am I doing?_ She took a breath again and affirmed _what I need to do to help my son.

_It was becoming a mantra._

_He ended the call, "Got to go. You're on the top of my call list."_

_She needed to get this back on track, this was her opportunity to discuss her son's case and she needed answers._

"_There, the phone is off. No more interruptions." He folded the phone and secreted it away in his jacket pocket._

"_I saw in the file..."_

_His hand had reached up to grasp her cross, "That is so pretty. So is it true what they say about Catholic girls?"_

_She forced a smile and swallowed, believing now that maybe this was a just a huge mistake._

"_So tell me about you."_

Okay, I can do that_, "There's nothing to tell."_

"_Rafe's your only son."_

"_He's my whole world." _That's why I'm here, putting myself through this degradation_._

"_You're right to want to do whatever you can to help him." She nodded, she knew this but still… "There's no shame in that." _No but there is in what you're thinking, what you're expecting of me._ She had to look away, look down, look anywhere but at this man who represented so many future possibilities._

"_So... this is good, getting to know each other like this." He was modulating his voice, softer, less brash, trying to appear as anything other than the letch she saw him to be._

"_Um..." she needed to move and began to walk away from him._

"_Is something wrong?"_

"_Yeah. Do you have a restroom?"_

"_Oh, of course."_

_Trying to hide her nervousness she explained, "I just want to freshen up."_

"_Sure. Down to the left." She was making her escape only to be stopped by his command, "Don't be too long- I'm anxious to continue our negotiations. _

_Wondering if she had signed a deal with the devil she nodded again and left the room, feeling his gaze upon her as she walked away. Entering the bathroom she ran the tap and splashed water over her face and neck, it was crunch time and she had to pay the piper. No going back, this was it. _

_Giving herself a long hard look in the mirror she thought of Rafe. _I can do this. I have to_._

_She faced the short walk back to Russo's office and put one foot in front of the other._

"_There you are."_

_Russo stood up from his desk to greet her as she loitered in the doorway, still unsure if she really wanted to go in._

"_Sorry."_

"_I was starting to wonder, maybe you weren't coming back."_

_Had she been that long? "Well, you know, I just wanted to look my best." Girding herself she stepped forward, giving him the knowledge she was committed now, she was going to do this. She had no choice._

"_You couldn't look better." His hand rose to play with her hair and sweep it from her shoulder, "You're very beautiful, you know."_

"_I wish you wouldn't…" Bad enough she was doing this, she didn't need to hear him._

"_What? Tell you the truth? I told you I always will." He moved in towards her, his mouth closing to nuzzle around her ear. She was frozen, her guilt, her shame but she had no choice._

"_Hey! Back off!" Out of nowhere the door opened and Olivia stood there, magnificent in her fury._

_Natalia jumped, startled and embarrassed, "What are you doing here?"_

_Olivia stalked into the room, her eyes only glancing briefly at her before zeroing in on Russo who held out his hand to hold the indignant woman off, "We're kind of busy now, Olivia, how about another time?"_

"_How about never? Is that a good time for you?" She was practically in his face now, "I could check with your secretary, but oh my gosh; she's not here is she?"_

_Grabbing the older woman's shoulder Natalia tried to persuade her, "Please don't do this, don't…" Olivia ignored her._

"_This is so totally out of line." Russo was defending himself but Olivia was fully on the attack, "I should report you!"_

"_She's a grown woman. She knows what she's getting into."_

"_You're kidding me? You son of a bitch, she's trying to help her kid."_

"_What, the lost cause?"_

_Natalia had stood by in awe at her apparently self-appointed guardian angel but was shocked to hear Russo's admission and almost did a double take, "What?"_

"_He shot a D.A. I mean… really."_

"_No, you said...that you would…" Had she really been prepared to throw away her dignity for this?_

"_You would be lucky if they offered a deal. And why would they, he's guilty he should do time."_

"_That's enough." Olivia, protecting her again from his verbal assault but Natalia wasn't really listening anymore. Mortified she tuned in enough to hear Russo protecting his own ass, "Look she came on to me that's how desperate she really is." _

_She had heard enough. Collecting her jacket and Rafe's file she left the room, Russo continuing behind her, "She would probably sleep her way all the way up to the judge on this one, and that's what I'll say if you dare take this one out of the room."_

_She had to get out of here. _Damn it! Olivia had said he was the best and now_… what was this going to mean for her son?_

_She was almost to the end of the corridor when she heard the door slam and Olivia hurrying to catch her up._

"_Hey, wait up. Lord, can you believe that guy?"_

_Olivia seemed pleased with herself and all Natalia felt was anger._

* * *

><p>She knew her anger had been misplaced, for whatever reason Olivia insisted on getting involved in her affairs and she always seemed to be putting herself in harm's way by doing so. She had learned later on that day Olivia had refused to see a doctor about her heart because she was worried about her.<p>

The worry was now reciprocated. Resting her cheek against the top of Olivia's head again she felt Olivia stir.

"What…?" the restless woman mumbled.

"Shh… Olivia, it's okay, lie still."

Olivia's hand came up to her brow and she sucked in a breath, her fluttering eyes squeezing shut as another band of pain tightened around her skull.

"Have to make a call."

"What?" Natalia was puzzled.

"Make a call… Dubai."

"No, Olivia you don't have to make a call. We just made that up, remember? For Decker?"

"Decker?" she was straining a bit now against her hold, "Where's Decker?"

Olivia tried to sit up; squinting through her eyelids in search of the man she expected to see nearby.

Restraining her lightly Natalia continued to soothe in her ear, "Decker's not here, he went back to his room."

"Back to his room?" she winced again.

"Uh huh, you need to relax, okay?"

Doing the complete opposite, Olivia suddenly surged forward, wrenching herself away from Natalia's arms. Placing one hand on the bed to support herself, she put her other to her dizzyingly spinning head.

"Olivia?" Natalia sat shocked behind her, concerned at the abrupt movement and Olivia's confused state.

"Room 204… trouble…" she was swinging her legs out from under the blankets now, her movements a little uncoordinated as she struggled to free herself from the linen and sit with her elbows braced on her knees, head in her hands, "Trouble…" she murmured again and Natalia who had frozen in reaction watched as Olivia attempted to push herself away from the bed.

Amazed when Olivia managed to stand, the stagger as she moved toward the door was enough to jolt Natalia out of her inactive dismay and grab the swaying woman by her upper arms.

"Whoa, wait a minute. Olivia, what are you doing?"

"Need to call security…" her words were slurring now and Natalia was struggling to make sense of what she was saying.

"Security? No… no you don't." Shaking her head she tried to turn the determined woman back toward the bed as she reasoned with her but Olivia bent forward almost double, both hands pressing against her skull and expelling a pained breath.

Taking advantage of her incapacitation Natalia maneuvered Olivia back until her shaking legs connected with the bed and she dropped on her own volition, sagging forward and moaning.

"You need to lie down," she persisted and gently pushed Olivia to slump sideways onto her pillow. Olivia's legs followed the rest of her up onto the bed and Natalia straightened the covers over her again, even as the troubled woman squirmed to find a comfortable spot. She watched as Olivia twisted over to lay face down, hands under her chin and head crushed into the pillow attempting to regulate her breathing against the pain in her head.

Natalia reached to brush away a lock of hair, aching to see her friend in such distress.

"Did you want me to call Dr Bauer?"

There was a pause, Olivia worryingly taking a moment to actually think about it, before a small voice said, "No."

Knowing that would be her answer and in some small measure relieved she hadn't said 'yes', Natalia was nevertheless frustrated by her inability to help. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Natalia wryly acknowledged to herself, _well you wanted it to be like the cabin but this isn't really what I meant_.

~/\~

Olivia regained consciousness to the mixed sensation of a warm body behind her, arms around her and somebody trying to gouge out her brain with a screwdriver through her left eye.

To say she was confused was putting it mildly. She wanted to know what was going on but only managed half a question before she heard Natalia's voice advising her to quiet down and lie still. It sounded like good advice, especially when a particularly vicious burst of pain exploded in her head and her hatred of the man with the screwdriver grew tenfold.

_Wait a minute_, Natalia told her something, what was it? _Oh yeah, that's it… have to make a call_.

Why was Natalia being dense? She was the one who reminded her, why did she have to explain… Olivia reminded Natalia, "Make a call… Dubai."

She was arguing with her now, telling her she didn't have to make the call and that she made it up? This really wasn't helping, her head was pulsing again and she wanted to hear what Natalia was saying, even if she did keep changing her mind and lying to her… _what? Decker? Oh God, my boss, he mustn't know, he can't know…need to sit up…_

There was some resistance, holding her down and she tried not to panic, Decker couldn't be allowed to see her like this… "Where's Decker?" She tried to open her eyes, needing to see.

Natalia claimed he wasn't there, he had returned to his room but Olivia was unsure whether to believe her now… she made things up.

Testing her, she questioned for clarification, "Back to his room?"

Natalia's hold was tightening as the pain spiked again and she winced as Natalia told her to relax.

Oh my God! The room! She was supposed to do something, there was trouble.

She pitched forward, the sudden movement upsetting her balance again as the screwdriver slammed into her frontal lobe.

Natalia sounded, called her name in the distance, she seemed alarmed but Olivia had to raise an alarm, she needed to do something, important, very important. Fighting with the blankets tangled around her limbs she placed both feet on the floor and attempted to gather in her brain before gathering in her strength to stand.

She made one unsteady step before hands gripped around her upper arms. She was grateful, the room had been tilting from side to side but stopped in the firm grasp from behind.

"Whoa, wait a minute. Olivia, what are you doing?"

"Need to call security…" the effort to form the words was becoming harder.

"Security? No… no you don't."

Prepared to argue, the pain in her head intensified to a new level and required both hands to contain it.

For the first time since coming round Natalia said something that made sense, "You need to lie down."

There would be no argument there, she listed to the side and drew her legs up, subliminally aware of Natalia pulling the blankets over her again as she burrowed into her pillow. Unable to think beyond the pain in her skull she expelled measured breaths, willing to try anything to make her brain switch off and relax.

A hand in her hair and then the inevitable, "Did you want me to call Dr Bauer?"

Did she? She considered it, she had never felt pain this bad in her head before but she had taken some aspirin, she was laying down in a darkened room and she had Natalia with her… what more could Rick do?

"No," she eked out, her voice annoyingly pathetic and small.

She felt the bed dip as Natalia sat next to her, a hand stroking her hair again before moving down to slide back and forth across her tense shoulders and back.

She began to focus on the rhythmic stroking, left shoulder to right to left, fingers curling over the juncture between her neck and shoulder, a slight increase in pressure plying the flesh before sliding down her spine and casually smoothing from left to right again as it made its way back to the beginning to start all over again.

She became fixated on the warm path where the hand travelled over her cool exposed skin and almost melted when a second hand joined the first in this delightful impromptu massage.

She forgot to think about the pain in her head and allowed her brain to relax.

Left, right, rub and slide.

~/\~

Natalia's hands were beginning to ache but for the first time since entering the room, Olivia appeared to be settling down. She noticed the fists, previously clenched under Olivia's chin in a picture of agony, had fallen open and her face no longer held a perpetual telling frown.

Continuing her hypnotic action Natalia enjoyed the feel of Olivia's flesh noting how it was smooth and silky yet firm, too firm in places. Her fingers had encountered hard, unforgiving knots beneath the surface near the neckline and spent a little longer working the tissue there to relieve the tension.

Apparently it was all to good effect.

After twenty odd minutes Olivia was finally asleep.

Drawing her hands carefully away and almost reluctant to lose the contact, Natalia pulled the blankets up to keep Olivia's back warm and sat with her hands in her lap unsure what to do next.

Should she leave or should she stay?

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 26th Sept 2008 - Part 1 can be found here .com/watch?v=H1KGTGCBphg and Part 2 can be found here .com/watch?v=9X2obI2QmXw...feature=related with thanks to gidgegrl16 for the clips


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 7**

Her immediate worry for her friend taken care of, Natalia's own exhaustion was catching up with her.

It was now nearly one in the morning and she knew tomorrow was going to be just as hectic as today had been, or was that today would be as hectic as yesterday?

Having remained still as long as possible to ensure Olivia was finally asleep and her moving wouldn't disturb her, Natalia stifled a yawn, rubbed her eyes and face to wake herself up a bit more and stood up from the bed.

She looked around the room in the dim lighting and rubbed her own neck in thought as she considered her options.

Option one; pick up her things and leave, she could be in her own bed within the half hour. Olivia would be okay, the worst of it seemingly over and really, sleep was the best medicine for her at the moment so there seemed little sense in staying.

Then there was option two. Stay, keep an eye on her and face the consequences in the morning or rather later that morning her mind amended.

She loosely folded her arms, one hand tapping against her chin in thought and pulling on her lower lip.

There was always option three… the bed was big enough and it wasn't like they hadn't shared a bed before, right?

But that wasn't here, in Springfield where everybody knew everyone else's business and didn't seem to care who they shared it with, whether supported by the truth or not.

She looked down at the sleeping figure again and decided to compromise. She would stay for a while longer; maybe an hour just to be entirely certain Olivia was really okay and then head back to her own room where she could still catch at least four hours of sleep before her shift started. She had done it before and while looking after her child.

Decision made, Natalia set the alarm on her phone to vibrate just in case she dropped off and sat across from the bed to commence her vigil.

~/\~

_The dream was different this time._

_She wasn't sure how she knew but she knew; she could feel it._

_She was being watched._

_A form moved in the shadows beyond the limits of her sight and her apprehension soared, unable to distinguish whether this figure was a good or bad omen._

_Her throat was dry. Her mouth was sticky._

_The desire to swallow grew exponentially with her inability to gather enough saliva to do so and she found herself gagging._

_She needed a drink._

_The scent of alcohol flooded her senses, cloying, smothering; familiar._

_She felt lethargic, heavy; drugged._

_She was trapped, held down._

_Veins prickled as adrenaline surged and she struggled._

_Nothing; nothing but a burning sensation, at first it was liquid fire scouring her throat, her insides aflame and then she heard it, a crackling that snapped within the silence._

_She was weighed down, someone or something keeping her restrained._

_She fought._

_The noise became a rumble, rolling its roar around her as her eyes began to itch._

_It was the first time she realized she had closed her eyes and she opened them again, trying to lubricate against the scratchiness, hoping her tears would stop the smarting and allow her to see but there was only a hazy blackness._

"You left her there,"_ a voice floated out of the darkness, _"You left her there to die."

"No,"_ she rasped, hating herself for not being able to remove the weight above her and for how small and terrified she sounded._

_The heat swelled and she was pushing now, pushing for all her worth against the object above her._

"No!"_ her volume increased in parallel with her fear. This wasn't supposed to be happening, this was wrong._

_The object above her began to take shape, an outline._

_Knowing only terror, refusing to succumb, Olivia pushed._

_Flames were everywhere, she could feel the sweat running down the small of her back, tasted the burning in the air around her, she was gasping, anxious to draw breath…_

"Olivia? Olivia!"

Her eyes snapped open.

~/\~

She had been sitting quietly in the chair for nearly a half hour sifting and sorting through the busy details of her life, reevaluating her current choice of options and reconsidering her decision to sacrifice a precious hour of sleep to watch over someone who for some reason, rarely bothered to look out for herself.

What was Olivia thinking this evening?

Natalia shook her head again, perplexed as always by the slumbering silent enigma sprawled out on the bed before her.

She was so drawn to the woman but she couldn't put her finger on why the woman took such chances and why was it so difficult for her to ask for help?

* * *

><p><em>She had heard they were looking for support staff for the midnight shift at Cedars and so had crossed the road after her shift at Company to enquire about the possibility of being hired. She hadn't really cared about the unsociable hours, if there were hours available in the day, then she would be available to work them. She needed the money.<em>

_Dr Bauer had joined her on her stroll back and as charming as it was to have the friendly, flirty doctor walk with her she sensed there was a reason for his sudden interest, her suspicions confirmed when he rounded on her and looked serious._

"_Well, as much as I enjoyed walking you over here, I wanted to talk to you about a mutual friend of ours who's acting like a child…_

_Could only be one person they both knew like that, "Oh, yeah…"_

"…_Olivia."_

"…_Olivia."_

_They smiled at each other, both knowing how that name conjured up such strong emotions from the people who knew her. Not exactly sure what Dr Bauer felt _she_ could do or say that would have a different and desired effect she glanced inside Company and sighing, indicated with her head, "Well, you know, she's right in there. You can talk to her yourself."_

"_Yeah, I know, I tried. I tried. She's not going to check herself into the hospital until she takes care of some business first, whatever that means."_

_Probably getting takeout if memory serves…, "Well, her priorities are a little hard to understand sometimes." Most of the time really._

"_Well, you know, she seems to trust you, so maybe you could give it a try."_

_Does she? Sure, she let me stay with her when she needed to get checked out last time but actually trust me? I never really thought about it much, "Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know."_

_Their conversation had been light, Dr Bauer cajoling her, wooing her to do his bidding as he obviously cared enough about Olivia to try whatever it took but now his tone became serious and he regarded her openly, "Look, Natalia, we need to get her in the hospital right now. I mean, the clock is ticking, and that heart of hers is not going to hold up unless she, you know, takes care of it. And she's not doing that. Please."_

"_Yeah… I'll see what I can do." Natalia was terrified, hearing the cold, harsh truth as it related to the seriousness of Olivia's condition… how could Olivia not want to do something about it? She has a daughter, a beautiful little girl and…_

_The more Natalia thought about it, the more worked up she became to the point that seeing Olivia calmly sitting at the bar eating lunch while she worried about her… for her? Arrghh! She wanted to scream; as if she didn't have enough going on in her own life it seemed she was responsible for Olivia's as well._

_Unable to idly stand by any longer Natalia stormed up to the unsuspecting woman and slammed the menu on the bar, the impact producing a satisfying slap to match her anger._

"_Alright, I don't have time for your crap, lady."_

_Olivia recoiled slightly, "Gee, the service here is terrible."_

_She ignored her, "I am working my butt off just to get through the day and help my son and I'm supposed to worry about you, too?"_

_Olivia smiled at her, "I didn't know you cared."_

_How could she be laughing about this? She only had one explanation, "Everything is funny with you, because there's something wrong with your head, too, really." Olivia was listening to her but it was the same look that said, 'really, you think you can tell me something here I don't know already?' and what Natalia wanted was for Olivia to at least appreciate the gravity of her situation._

_Natalia continued attempting reason again, "You have a chance at a life and seeing your little daughter every day, and you're playing around with that?"_

_Olivia's joviality disappeared, her expression changed and her voice dropped to state with authority, "I'm not playing."_

_Natalia didn't believe her. How could she? If the woman truly meant it she would've done something by now, wouldn't she? That was it; that was the moment she had reached a point and had to back away. She had to make Olivia understand, she couldn't keep clearing up her messes, picking up the pieces of her stupidity, she just couldn't, "If you're not going to take care of yourself, really, then just die already," It was killing her to say it, to see the look of disbelief in the green eyes across from her but she continued, "because I have other things to worry about. And I'm done. I don't care whose heart you have."_

_She felt bruised, washed out and couldn't look at her anymore. Picking up her things she turned on her heel and left, her last glance revealing Olivia stunned and gaping at the bar._

_She was almost up to her room when she heard the breathy voice behind her, "Are you really going to make a woman with a heart condition chase after you?"_

_Did this woman ever give up? "See, again, not funny!"_

"_Oh, come on, give me a break." She was breathing heavily and attempting to appeal to Natalia's better nature, "I mean, we're friends, right?"_

"_You don't have any friends." Not being mean, just truthful. Time and time again this woman had manipulated and schemed and pushed people away; like she had done with her._

"_I know…" Olivia agreed, "I mean, not many. But I have you now." She sounded hopeful._

_Natalia considered this, were they friends? "I work for you and I know you're sick. And that's our connection." That wasn't friendship._

"_That's not true. We check up on each other, and we tell each other the truth," she noticed Olivia laboring to draw breath, gasping in air as each sentence left her mouth and she found herself mentally agreeing with her assessment, they did check up on each other and they certainly told each other the truth, painfully so at times. _

_Olivia was still making her case, "And I watch Dr. Phil, so I know that means we're friends." She was waiting expectantly as if she had clearly laid out her working and wanted to be rewarded for getting it right, her breathing still heavy. Natalia was hesitating and Olivia obviously sensed her weakness, "Oh, come on." Olivia searched around for another reason, a missing part to her 'friend' equation and threw out, "I like difficult people."_

"_See? More joking."_

"_You get my jokes."_

"_I don't think you're funny."_

"_Ah!" Olivia seemed wounded by this._

_As they stood there, Olivia looking up at her practically pleading with Natalia to acknowledge a friendship she didn't understand, one question kept coming to the forefront of her mind, "Why are you messing around with your health?"_

_Maybe it was the way she asked it but Olivia dropped all bravado, staring up directly at her to quietly and earnestly confirm, "I'm going to go to Cedars. I will. I just have things I need to take care of first. That's why I'm here."_

_She believed her._

_Thinking back on the things she said and enamored with the sincerity she was being shown she offered, "Okay. I can help you with Emma."_

"_Thank you. I don't need help with her. I need help with my other baby, Natalia, the Beacon."_

_Natalia was confused, the Beacon? "What about Cassie?"_

"_Cassie's going to cover some things, but I need somebody physically there to represent me, you know, to protect my interests."_

_Feeling defensive, Natalia crossed her arms, "You know, we talked about this before."_

"_I know, and… and," Olivia stuttered, perhaps finding the words for the best way to phrase her next thought, "you thought you couldn't do it because of your pride, and you thought it was a handout..."_

"_No," Natalia remembered it differently and pointed out, "Actually, you stormed off before I could even answer you. _

"_Listen to me. This isn't a favor for you. I'm asking for me. I need help. I need you to help me, please."_

* * *

><p>Natalia shuddered as she considered how that day played out, how much her life changed, her future, her prospects; her friendship.<p>

With only twenty minutes of her self-imposed time limit left, she stretched and regretted the fact where she was sitting, she couldn't even see well enough in the subdued lighting to read. She considered playing with her phone.

What was that?

She thought she heard something.

Looking over toward the bed she could see Olivia in the pale light, her features animated and twitching, her head making the vaguest of motions side to side.

Standing up to cross over to her, Natalia's attention was drawn to Olivia's hands, her heart tripping when she recognized the spasmodic clenching and unclenching she had seen before, signifying Olivia was once again caught in a dream of some terrifying nature.

Having witnessed how disturbed Olivia became as a result of these nightmare episodes she knew she had to do something; she needed to calm her down.

Small utterances fell from Olivia's full lips, her shoulders pressing down against the mattress.

Natalia resumed her seat on the bed from earlier and tried waking her with her voice, "Olivia? Olivia you need to wake up now, come on. It's just a dream, wake up."

When Olivia didn't respond Natalia closed her hand over Olivia's wrist, her intention to gently shake her arm.

The reaction was immediate and unexpected, Olivia's arm jerked away from her and she began to swing out. Natalia, reacting on instinct, grabbed at the flailing limbs for fear of being swiped which in turn resulted in Olivia's movements becoming more volatile.

Natalia was alarmed at the frantic writhing and struggled to maintain her hold.

"No."

Natalia heard it. A faint plea against the labored breathing of their physical tussle.

"Olivia?"

Her hands sweating, she was losing her grip and Olivia's efforts were becoming more determined below her, pushing her away.

"No!"

"Olivia?" she tried again, the terror in Olivia's tone sending chills down the back of her head, "Olivia!"

Green eyes snapped open.

The struggling ceased, Olivia's wrists still clasped in her hands and the sound of tiny pants unnaturally loud in the sudden stillness.

After a moment's pause, time resumed its steady march forward.

~/\~

Regaining awareness, Olivia willed her heart to slow down.

She was finding it hard to shake the ominous feeling of being held in place and dreaded the prospect of closing her eyes lest she felt the pressure bearing down on her again. She was aware of it, lurking at the edges of her consciousness.

Above her, Natalia was watching with such a look of confused concern Olivia felt embarrassed.

She pulled her hands free, looked away and turned to prop herself on one elbow, Natalia waiting patiently.

Reaching for the water conveniently placed on her nightstand, she grabbed the glass to take a sip, returned it and then ran a hand through her disordered hair. She was disgusted to note her hand was trembling and pulled it back out of sight.

"Want to tell me about it?"

She shook her head no, a tiny gesture but now she was awake her headache was returning.

"Was it like before?"

She really didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't the same, no. Where previously she had felt like she was being taunted and accused, this dream had left her feeling guilty, dirty and ashamed; helpless. No, she _really_ didn't want to talk about it.

"What are you still doing here?"

"I…?"

"What? Had nothing better to do?"

"Apparently somebody needed my help."

"And you did, job done."

Olivia watched as Natalia's mouth opened and closed. "You can go now," she dismissed.

Natalia sat there a moment longer, staring at her with her inscrutable expression.

Unable to bear the humiliation of Natalia bearing witness to yet another moment of weakness, Olivia lashed out, "I don't _want_ you here!"

She still didn't move, not beyond the contraction of the muscles near her eye and concerned her resolve would crumble Olivia yelled, "Go!"

Finally she stood up from the bed, gathered her things from the chair and left the room.

Somewhat disappointed Natalia had simply left, Olivia lay back on her pillow, and refusing to fall victim to sleep again, gave in to her tears. She punched the mattress in frustration, repeating the action over and over as she cried until her tantrum exhausted her, leaving her feeling incredibly afraid and alone; she had only her headache and her thoughts to keep her company.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 21st Oct 08 and can be viewed at .com/watch?v=ipqEcsVjKY8 with thanks to borealis94 for the clip


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 8**

Natalia froze.

Olivia's sudden awakening left her uncertain what to do next. Deciding to wait and let Olivia take the lead, she watched as Olivia's eyes cast about the room, searching for something but never once meeting her own.

After mere seconds, which dragged on for an eternity, Olivia regained control of her breathing and pulled her arms free of Natalia's grip. While Natalia tried to make sense of what was happening she watched Olivia turn to reach for her water and noted her unsuccessful attempt to conceal her tremors after a shaking hand brushed through her hair.

She had seen this before but before, Olivia hadn't shut down as she was doing now, she hadn't turned away from her and refused to meet her eye. If Natalia didn't know any better, she would say Olivia was embarrassed. She could understand that, she wouldn't like it if somebody witnessed her in such a vulnerable state but it wasn't like this was new for either of them. So what was it this time that had changed?

Was it being back in Springfield?

Natalia wasn't sure because annoyingly, they hadn't really had the opportunity to really chat but Olivia was an outspoken woman and truthfully, Natalia didn't think location would mean that much to her.

No, there had to be something about the nature of the dream itself.

"Want to tell me about it?" She had to try, they were friends right? Friends tell each other things. Olivia gave a swift shake of her head, her eyes tightening slightly at the movement. Just not this it seemed.

Maybe she just needed a prod, an opening, or possibly a reminder she had trusted in Natalia once, "Was it like before?"

A plethora of emotions crossed Olivia's face; Natalia desperately trying to read each one.

"What are you still doing here?" Olivia asked.

"I…?"

"What? Had nothing better to do?"

Natalia had confronted this beast before, "Apparently somebody needed my help."

"And you did, job done."

She wanted to say something, attempted to but once again Olivia was expertly pushing her away, "You can go now."

Could she? Is this really what Olivia wanted?

"I don't _want_ you here!"

Her unspoken question answered Natalia still didn't believe it but she could see Olivia had made up her mind and was tenuously holding on, precariously so; it almost made her want to stay in challenge.

When Olivia finally demanded, "Go!" Natalia knew there would be no reasoning with her and frankly, it was almost two in the morning, she was tired, she had done what she could and been given 'permission' to leave. It hurt, a lot and the sympathetic side of her knew eventually Olivia would feel bad and she felt bad for her but for some reason, this cycle just kept repeating.

* * *

><p><em>Somehow on the roster she was always scheduled to clean the floor with Olivia's suite on it. She had wondered at first if it was Maria's idea of a joke to continually put her where she would have contact with the woman who had borrowed her husband and then taken his heart but then she reasoned a lot of the other housekeepers were afraid of the Beacon owner and Maria had worked out Natalia could hold her own, generally came out of any dealings unscathed and was desperate enough for money she would keep coming back.<em>

_Making her way around the floor Natalia approached Olivia's room as the last one to be cleaned. She hadn't seen Olivia since the previous day when Olivia had finally been released from Cedars and she found her clutching her ice bucket, collapsed outside this very room._

_She had been unwilling to leave her there despite the ungrateful attitude; an attitude that failed to improve when Natalia managed to steady the teetering woman, resettled her on the bed and then refused to leave until she knew she wouldn't pass out again._

_While she stayed with her for a bit Mel had tracked her down to discuss Gus' will and Olivia perplexed her again, surprising her by offering to buy the house he had willed to her and claimed it was a form of payment for the heart that saved her life. Taken aback she had asked, "You would do that? For me? For Rafe?"_

_There had been a drawn out silence in which Mel excused herself and Natalia continued to study the supine woman staring at the ceiling. She hadn't known what to say until Olivia clarified, "__I'm not buying the house for you. I'm buying it for me. I need some place to recover. Some place quiet. And that was the last thing that Gus bought, and I want it. I want to live in it."_

_She should have known, "Of course. You would kick me and Rafe out of our home?"_

"_It was never really yours, was it?"_

_She was so hurt she really wished she had left her on the floor but later, while sharing a meal with Rafe at Company she had some time to think it over and she realized Olivia was really having a hard time with everything that was going on and she had to be hurting too._

_So it was Natalia stood outside Olivia's suite again, ready to do battle but hoping the woman wasn't there so she could just clean the room and move on._

_She knocked tentatively on the door._

_No answer._

_She knocked firmer this time and when no call came to advise 'don't come in', she entered her master key card into the lock and opened the door._

_The room was dark apart from the light showing from the bathroom, the bedclothes heaped in a messy pile in the centre of the bed. Switching the nearside lamp on low, Natalia walked around the bed to take in the full extent of what needed to be cleaned, starting with changing the towels._

_As she rounded the corner of the bed she stopped, lying on the floor, face down with her head on a cushion and a sheet partially draped over her was Olivia. Unsure whether she had fallen or twisted herself in an effort to find a comfortable way to lie, Natalia knelt down beside her and hesitantly placed a hand upon her back._

_Relieved she was at least breathing she noticed the sweaty sheen to her skin, "Olivia, are you alright?" The woman had only been released yesterday, maybe it was too soon._

_A soft response of, "Unfortunately," and Olivia's eyelids slowly separated to show despondent eyes._

Unfortunately? Had she heard right?_ "What are you doing? Lying there? Do you need help getting up?"_

_Olivia heaved out a resigned sigh and attempted to push herself up, Natalia supporting her as her weak limbs threatened to drop her to the floor again. Together, Olivia achieved a sitting position on the bed and Natalia turned to switch the other light on._

"_It's a mess in here." Olivia looked around to see what Natalia was talking about as Natalia continued, "What kind of nurse did they hire for you? She should be fired."_

"_She was. I got rid of her two hours after she got here. I think she was drunk."_

_Was Olivia serious? She just didn't always get this woman's sense of humour and if it wasn't for the fact she knew Olivia had recently undergone heart surgery, the look on her face now would have convinced Natalia that it was Olivia who was drunk. She was heavy-lidded, her head lolling slightly with the effort to remain upright and her whole demeanor reeked of lethargy._

"_Where is your family? Where are your daughters? Where's Jeffrey O'Neill?" she fired at her, surely one of these people had been to see her._

_Olivia turned away from her, "You're nosey, you know that?"_

_Natalia's frustration grew, "I saw them at the hospital. You're a pain but they wouldn't just leave you like this."_

"_And they didn't. Ava has Emma until..." she was shaking her head clearly trying to recollect but losing the will to follow through on the thought, "…and Jeffrey is away on business."_

_Natalia's concern at Olivia's apparent lack of interest in the whereabouts of her youngest daughter was sounding alarms, this wasn't right, something really wasn't right here. Olivia loved that child, she was her world. She couldn't believe Olivia's family would just abandon her here, like this…"Yeah, but they thought that you had a nurse."_

_Making the decision for her she picked up the phone, "I'm going to call Ava."_

_As she made to dial she saw the flashing numbers on the handset, "You have messages."_

"_Just get out. Thanks for stopping by."_

"_You need some help," she slammed the phone back on its stand. Why hadn't Olivia been picking up the phone?_

"_I need to die."_

_Natalia felt chilled. She didn't know how to respond to such an admission. How could this woman, who had been given a second chance at life, want to throw it away? How?_

_Feeling anger she hadn't realized she was capable of Natalia turned from the woman on the bed and proceeded to tidy the room._

_Olivia had looked at her, obviously awaiting a response but not expecting this, unsure exactly what 'this' was. She eventually reclined on the pillows, knees drawn up; her body too exhausted to maintain its slumped sitting posture. Taking this as a further sign of Olivia giving up Natalia stalked back to the bed and threw the heap of bed linen on the floor. Determined to make the bed and force Olivia out of it, to get her up and moving again, engaging in something other than her apparent… Natalia searched for a name for it, depression? Funk? One-woman pity party? She grabbed one of the sheets from the pile and whip cracked it in the air several times until it billowed and fell in an orderly fashion across the mattress._

"_Are you deaf? Leave!"_

"_I can't now." How could she? The woman had said she needed to die and there was something about the way she said it that lead Natalia to believe this wasn't just an expression of how much pain she was in, a joking 'please end it now'._

"_I have a plan and I'm sticking to it." Olivia grabbed at the sheet, petulantly trying to undo what Natalia was doing, "I want to die."_

_Hearing the intent fuelled Natalia's determination, "Yeah well, not on my shift."_

"_I'll fire you!"_

_Natalia threw the bedcover down in disgust, "You are a whiny, little, bratty baby having a tantrum. You're worse…" she stalked around the bed, her words aimed directly at this suddenly animated individual who only moments before could barely pick herself off the ground, and angrily accused, "You're the most disgustingly selfish person I know."_

_Determined to finish her task, she grabbed a nearby pillow and vented her anger by plumping it._

"_Then you won't miss me when I'm gone."_

_They both reached for the next pillow at the same time with Olivia's fury reigning as she grabbed it and threw it across the room, "Now, leave!"_

* * *

><p>Back then she didn't leave, too concerned about Olivia's 'plan', to allow Olivia to do something which went against everything she believed in and it was only later she realized how much she genuinely cared.<p>

Now, Natalia stood on the other side of Olivia's suite door, caught in indecision when she thought she heard crying but she had her instructions and this was one time when she knew it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.

She turned, reversed her earlier journey down the corridor and headed home to sleep until she was needed again.

~/\~

Olivia had no idea what time she finally managed to fall asleep last night. She awoke to the familiar blare of her alarm clock, hit snooze and lay there trying to eradicate the image of the hurt look on Natalia's face as she shouted at her to leave… _no I can't think about that right now_, she wiped her hand over her face and rubbed her eyes, appalled at the fresh wetness she found there; she had some time to get herself together, she needed it.

Her head was woolly but mercifully absent of the incessant pain she experienced last night. It was on par with a hangover, something she understood and could tolerate, even with the incredible dry mouth sticking her tongue to its roof to then release and probe around furry teeth.

Though she had either slept or passed out after her previous rude awakening, the dream had thankfully not returned, only flashes now, images that danced across her peripheral vision to taunt her.

She shivered.

Wanting to rid herself of the grungy morning after feeling she groaned as she stood up from the bed and prepared to take a shower.

Under the restorative jets of water, Olivia reclaimed her humanity. It was a process which took all of twenty minutes but was worth every one. She had thought about nothing the entire time, only how good it felt to be clean again. Toweling herself down she regarded her reflection, pulling at the skin around her face.

_Not bad, keeping the bags under my eyes at bay._ _Need to watch how many late nights I get dragged into though_. She pulled at the skin around her forehead relieved, for all the difficulties and traumas of her life, at its smoothness. _Isn't the face supposed to be the index of the mind?_

Finding nothing too disconcerting she moved on to view her scars. _I guess here is where my story is really told eh?_ She ran a finger down the faint scar bisecting her in half, its length running from at least an inch over her cleavage down to almost her bellybutton. Her eyes tracked to the recent scar along her right shoulder, the scabs gone to leave tender pink, puckered skin.

She poked at the bruised flesh on her side; it no longer physically pained her despite the dirty shades of green and yellow, only caused her to relive in fragmented pictures how she came by them and what she almost lost.

Closing her eyes briefly and shaking her head to dispel her line of thinking she took a cleansing breath.

She had a full schedule again today and there was that incident report to look into; Emma was going to be back this afternoon and she wanted to spend some time with her, perhaps if she rescheduled her two o'clock to twelve and then put her twelve on hold until tomorrow… it wasn't urgent. Her mind flooded with a busy to-do list and it was only as she was putting the finishing touches to her ensemble she allowed herself to think about the one thing she had deliberately not thought about until now… Natalia.

~/\~

Natalia had slept heavily but awoke with renewed conviction and purpose. Knowing there was little point in dwelling on the day, she threw back the covers to face it. She had several errands she needed to run and she had been waiting on some call backs after spending time yesterday making enquiries and trying to reorganize various events scheduled at the Beacon. She also wanted to see Buzz about some further shifts at Company, she had enjoyed helping him last night and as his business was obviously doing well at the moment thought maybe they could help each other out.

Now if she could just help out Olivia. She sighed, still trying to make sense of everything that happened. She knew Olivia was pushing herself, predicted on the basis of a fairly safe track record she would need to help pick up the pieces but last night… Last night she had felt wholly inadequate. Olivia was hurting, more she seemed terrified and it pained Natalia she had no idea why.

When they were at the cabin Natalia had congratulated herself on getting past a lot of Olivia's defenses; demonstrating patience and unending, unwavering care she had proven time and again she could be trusted and on their last evening Olivia had let her in just enough, she thought, to quiet the nightmares.

So what was last night?

Sure, Olivia was capable of lashing out, she had been on the receiving end enough times but when she really thought about it, it was only when Olivia felt threatened. It kept coming around to the same question, what was it about the nightmare last night that had threatened and upset Olivia so much?

She itched with wanting to know.

Everything up until that point had gone either as planned or at least in some small way, expected. Was it better she had stayed to witness the nightmare? She could have left after Olivia fell asleep. So the other question she kept asking herself was why did I stay and then leave so easily?

Had she given up? Would Olivia think that? Had it been Olivia's crying she heard and if yes, what was it that caused her to cry? The pain of her headache, the fear of her nightmare or the fact she had left?

She snorted, finding it hard to believe it was the latter but answers never came easy in relation to Olivia; all she knew was yesterday was a very long day. Natalia had done everything she could to aid the difficult woman, had helped maintain the pretense for Decker's benefit and offered comfort where she could; where she was allowed.

Beyond that, Natalia would employ her unending patience until Olivia opened up again, she could wait.

She thought about Olivia's morning and wondered if she had remembered to leave some water nearby for when she woke up knowing she was going to be dehydrated. Worse, she was going to feel awful about how she had spoken to her last night.

Her last thought as she gathered up her things to head to Company was how Olivia had another full schedule today but she felt confident she would call when she was needed, she always did.

~/\~

Her day had been fulfilling, truthfully Olivia enjoyed being the owner of the Beacon hotel and naturally she preened in the shower of attention both that and her new role with Galaxy afforded her. But right now she was tired.

She had managed to reschedule her two o'clock allowing her to return to her room shortly before half past, she wanted to be there for when Emma came home. Entering her suite she swayed slightly, her vision graying. Cautiously crossing the room she settled herself on the chair, propped her legs on the table and closed her eyes, thinking a quick nap and Emma would be none the wiser about how crappy her mother actually felt.

She resisted calling Natalia. A part of her had dreaded all day how she was going to apologize for her behavior last night but on the other hand, yes, the woman had helped her out of yet another predicament but that didn't give her the keys to the inner workings of her mind. Some things were private. Some things she couldn't share… even when a large part of her was crying out she could trust her.

She idly wondered if that was Gus.

Sometimes she really believed he was telling her things, his heart in her chest.

_Bunkum_, she recalled only too easily how willing she had been to believe, the research and reading she did, the risk she put herself in and the unlikely yet consistent port in the storm she found while looking for something else, some sense of purpose and meaning.

* * *

><p><em>Rick had paid her a visit, a house call. Someone had grassed her up that she was having dizzy spells and it didn't take a genius to work out it was Remy, he was obviously still mad at her for not letting him see Ava. <em>

_Rick had lectured her about the perils of not having regular checkups and Olivia was struggling to make him understand she had something better than medicine, she had faith. He had laughed at her, threatened to call Reverend Josh and she told him, "__Okay, this isn't a church thing.' He looked unconvinced. "No, it's not. Finding Ava, losing Gus, almost dying, getting his heart… these can't all just be random acts, okay? It has to have some meaning."_

_He couldn't grasp her belief someone was watching over her. He was a doctor confronting a patient who was not following the rules and putting herself in harm's way in the process. Rick understood faith but according to Rick, this was not about faith; this was about Alan Spaulding and his visions._

_It was the way Rick suggested Alan's visions may not be real and have some other underlying root at its cause that put the first seeds of doubt in her mind. She knew she was being ridiculous but she really wanted to believe._

_After talking to Rick she was so confused she had to go for a walk. She had gone to the gazebo in the 'Olivia Spencer' memorial park to 'talk' to Gus; unsurprisingly he didn't answer. Having wandered aimlessly for a bit she found herself at Gus' house and sat on the picnic bench outside enjoying the peacefulness of the beautiful summer's day._

_She had been there for nearly twenty minutes when she saw Natalia striding toward her._

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I don't know. I find it comforting, in a weird way."_

"_Yeah, me too."_

_Olivia watched as the younger woman dropped her bag on the table and moved to sit beside her. It was then she noticed the hound dog look on her face, her eyes heavy with… was that guilt?_

"_You look like hell." Whether it was Gus or her own sense of compassion, Olivia was compelled to ask, "Is it Rafe? What happened? Is he okay?"_

_Natalia was looking everywhere but at her and as if she was about to cry. Something was definitely wrong._

_She finally shrugged, "I don't know." Making eye contact Natalia continued and confessed, "He was being really careless. He was running around town and sneaking off to see Daisy, and I really thought I was doing the right thing."_

"_What did you do?"_

"_I called Mallet. I wanted him to bring Rafe in." Olivia was impressed and could feel her eyebrows rising at the audacity and strength of the woman before her. _Turning in her own child?_ Olivia wasn't sure_ she _could do that._

"_Rafe figured it out and he ran," Natalia continued. "So now I don't know where he is and he will never trust me again, ever!"_

_Olivia could relate to that, "I'm the one who encouraged Ava to be with Bill. And now she's in a clinic and her baby is dead." Her grandchild; Olivia felt the familiar tightness across her chest and put her hand against it, closing her eyes as the dizziness came and went._

"_What's the matter? What's going on?"_

"_Nothing," she quickly assured, "Nothing. Gus' heart is strong." She had faith in Gus, he wouldn't let her down, "It's me. I'm the one who messed up."_

_She thought back over all that had happened with Bill and Ava, her grandchild… how Natalia had tried to do right by her son and how he was now on the run, probably hating his mother for her unselfish act. All this set in motion by the sordid workings of her mind and her desire to have Gus. Where was the meaning in that? _

_Natalia sat patiently beside her and she could feel the 'why' the other woman wanted to ask practically radiating off of her._

_Olivia sighed and explained, "Believing that Alan could channel Gus, you know, that he could tell me how I'm supposed to live my life. It's just… it's stupid."_

"_Then what are you doing here?"_

_Olivia looked at her not really having considered the question before now._

"_I know why you're here," Natalia answered for her, "You want to feel close to Gus. That's why I'm here."_

_It was all becoming too much, how many more stupid mistakes was she going to make? This calm, compassionate woman beside her whom she had taken so much from; she needed to tell her, needed to voice her fears out loud, "Don't let it get around, but I don't want to die."_

_Natalia turned and moved toward her and Olivia surprised herself how eagerly she fell into the offered hug and held on._

_When the hug released Natalia immediately grabbed at her wrist, "Let me see."_

"_No, no, no. I didn't say I was dying." She pulled her arm away from the attempts to check her pulse. At least Olivia hoped she was checking for her pulse and not looking for anything more sinister._

"_I know but you just said…"_

"_I said I didn't want to. There's a big difference."_

"_Did your doctor say something to you? Did he tell you…?"_

"_No. I haven't seen him."_

"_Why haven't you seen him?" Natalia was bewildered._

"_Because..." she was feeling really stupid now, "Because I have Alan and his visions. Why would I need a doctor when I have faith?"_

"_That is not how it works."_

Hm, you think? _"I know that _now_." She decided to try honesty, "Maybe I'm just afraid of what he's going to tell me, maybe he's going to tell me something bad."_

"_If he tells you something bad, then you face it."_

_Was it really that simple? Looking at her unexpectedly pragmatic companion she questioned, "Are you?"_

"_Am I what?"_

"_Well, I mean, you had your son arrested in hopes that Alan's visions are somehow going to protect him. We both know where he's going to end up."_

"_Do you think I want my son to go to prison?" Natalia was upset._

_Why was it she could never say the right thing? Especially around Natalia, "No! No! No, don't listen to me. I'm toxic." Pinching the bridge of her nose she could feel a headache coming on; nothing was ever straightforward with this woman._

"_You're not toxic."_

"_Well, then why do I say the things that I do?"_

"_Because you're scared, just like me."_

_She didn't believe it, "You, scared?"_

"_I'm scared, so scared. I'm always scared. I just have my faith in Alan and in Nicky, and in helping yourself."_

"_And what does that mean?"_

"_Call your doctor because maybe he can save you without a miracle." Her face pulled into a hopeful smile, "And that will free one up for Rafe."_

_Olivia had nothing to lose and everything to gain; pulling out her cell she put in a call._

"_What did the doctor say?"_

"_He's going to squeeze me in, you happy?"_

"_Good, yes. I'll drive you." Natalia waved her car keys in victory and Olivia grabbed her arm, stopping her, "No, no, no. You don't trust me?"_

"_You shouldn't be driving if you're having chest pains."_

"_You think I'm going to skip, don't you?" Olivia was caught between Natalia's caring compassion and her ability to make her feel transparent and exposed._

"_I know you," she countered._

_Did she? Well maybe she did but she was ready to take care of herself again and besides, Natalia was needed elsewhere, "You're staying. I'm going. You're going to take care of Rafe."_

_Natalia opened her mouth to speak but Olivia cut her off and grinned in a knowing smile, "If you know me so well, you won't argue."_

* * *

><p>And Natalia hadn't, much like she hadn't argued last night.<p>

Olivia felt her eyes begin to close, just for a few minutes…

To be continued...

Flashback scene #1 taken from episode Apr 14th & 17th 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=V7wXITfp6FU and here:.com/watch?v=iAremjk-hT0 with thanks to OtaliaHD and willowtarafan1 for the clips.

Flashback scene #2 taken from episode Aug 22nd 2008 (small bit from Aug 25th 2008) and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=Ihhs1EryPag...feature=related with thanks to Otaliafan for the clips.


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 9**

_She was held down, aware but not aware._

_Within the dreamscape it was hard to distinguish whether she was laying on something soft with something soft above her or firm, cold and hard, pressing her in like the walls of a coffin._

_Voices sniggered._

_She tried to speak; wanting to know why her predicament amused her voyeur so but panic gripped her, an all consuming horror she sought to push back down into the darkest reaches of her mind in the same way she physically fought to push the weight away from her._

_Conflicted, disturbed._

_The see-saw of want and need, the push and pull; fluid._

_An instinct claimed her._

Have to save her.

"_You should save yourself."_

Myself?

_The pressure increased, she struggled to expand her ribcage._

What's happening?

_Only silence. Foggy, eerie silence._

_She was crying; she had lost something._

_What?_

_So close, yet intangible, just beyond the reaches of her vision._

Save her!

_She felt the tendrils of smoke as they wafted toward her._

No!

_She struggled again._

My baby!

"Mom?"

Olivia wrenched her eyes open at the sound of her youngest daughter entering their room, "Over here, baby."

Olivia attempted to shake the dream away, the almost claustrophobic feeling and residual panic sharply coming into focus as Emma trudged across the suite with her backpack, happily announcing, "Maria let me work the elevator."

"She did?" Olivia was still trying to wake up, fingering along her brow as if to scrub away the imagery and fearing the return of her migraine, "Remind me to give Maria a bonus."

She watched as Emma fussed with her bag, trying to free something from it, "What else?"

"I got a gold star on my spelling test."

"Oh, the elevator and a gold star. Woo-hoo!"

Emma was not easily fooled, the half-hearted attempt to muster some enthusiasm leading the child to query, "Are you okay, Mommy?"

She laughed and instantly regretted it when her vision grew dizzy again. Knowing it would be difficult to keep anything from her perceptive child Olivia considered her options. She didn't really have many, not if she wanted to protect her little girl.

Keeping her voice as normal and steady as possible she asked, "Hey Em, hand me the phone. Will you do that for me?"

The phone was in her hand before she finished asking, she was trembling again and sincerely hoped Emma hadn't noticed. She breathed deeply, "Thanks."

Emma returned to her bag, either not having seen or choosing not to comment, and Olivia did her utmost not to alarm her further, her head was spinning, she felt faint in fact she really wasn't feeling well at all.

~/\~

Natalia was at Company, her morning so far being very productive including helping with the lunch crowd. Buzz had signaled to her he wanted to have a word with her before she left but had yet to escape from his duties so she waited at the bar for him to be free.

When it looked like he could finally break away to speak with her, her cell phone rang.

Apologizing as he approached she indicated her phone, "Oh, I'm sorry. It's the Beacon. They're waiting for an answer. Just…" she held up a finger to indicate she would just be a minute.

"Oh, sorry," he turned away from her to grant her some privacy but was drawn in by what the younger woman was saying.

"Hi. Ah, yeah, actually, you can tell them that the Mayor's going to take the smaller ballroom. Yeah, because I said I would give it to her for the same price. Yeah, okay, well, then, yeah, you can tell the bride she doesn't have to move her wedding. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Bye-bye."

He was impressed, she certainly sounded like she had everything under control.

"Sorry. Everything's fine. The tables are good, everything's cleaned up, everything's good."

She seemed to be apologizing for conducting Beacon matters by expressing how up to date she was with her job here, he was continually amazed by her but he had been thinking about this a lot lately and he was worried about her, "I don't doubt it. I just- you know, you don't have to wait tables anymore."

"You firing me?"

She sounded so sad, "No, of course I'm not firing you. I could use as many hours as you can give me," _hadn't that been proven last night?_ "But now that you're working for Olivia, you know."

"No. I need the work. I love the work." She smiled at him enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I know what you need, lady, is a vacation." He knew they had gone away for a few days but when Natalia came back with a swollen ankle and he had seen Olivia moving around a little stiffly upon her return he doubted they had much in the way of a vacation. It occurred to him that maybe it had been a working holiday and the way Natalia spoke with authority just now he had to wonder, "Is she taking advantage of you?"

"No. No way. A good boss knows how to delegate, right?" She sounded a little defensive in her appeal. "Just like you. You're the chef and I'm the waitress."

He was old enough and wise enough to know she was attempting to butter him up with flattery. Changing tack and thinking about Natalia's sudden exit last night he asked, "So is- she's okay? I mean you're not a one woman office now that she's sick?"

Natalia could tell he was genuinely concerned, both for her and for Olivia. He had resisted asking what happened last night but his eyes showed he cared, "No. She's okay, I think." _At least I hope so, maybe I should've called earlier?_ "She'd be better if she didn't push herself so much."

Having been on the receiving end of Olivia's determination and will he snorted, "Well, good luck with that."

Natalia chuckled with him both sharing the knowledge that trying to get Olivia to slow down and do something beneficial to her health was like asking the sun not to set; it wasn't going to happen.

As Buzz left, her cell phone rang again and she looked at the caller ID thinking, _speak of the devil_…

"Hey, Natalia, it's me."

"Hi. Were your ears burning?"

"I need you."

Spoken so like the night before with barely concealed desperation. Worried about what state Olivia was in this time, Natalia gathered up her things and in a repeat performance of the previous evening raced out of Company.

~/\~

Emma was doing her best to make her mommy feel better. Since she had returned from school she hadn't moved and Emma was worried that she was really sick again. When she handed her the phone earlier she saw how her hand was shaking and thinking mommy probably didn't want her to know, looked the other way and went back to her bag. But Emma kept watching her from the corner of her eye. Her mommy looked pale and like she did after she stayed out late at night sometimes.

When she heard her mommy say 'I need you' into the phone Emma smiled, Natalia was coming. She liked Natalia, she was always nice to her and better yet, looked after her mommy and made her mommy feel better.

Emma snuck a look at her mommy again and thought she looked sad. Thinking there was something she could do to cheer her up Emma selected one of her favourite toys and brought it over to her offering, "Take kitty."

"Kitty, Kitty?" Olivia looked at the stuffed cat and was grateful to be near enough to put an arm around her thoughtful daughter, "Kitty, Kitty. Thank you." She turned to a smiling Emma, no doubt pleased she had made her mommy happy and when Emma leaned her head against her own she pulled her into a one armed hug and made a snorting pig noise which started Emma giggling.

Her hotel room door opened behind them and seeing who entered Emma smiled widely and Olivia called over, "Hey, Natalia. Would you tell Emma that I'm alright, okay?" Olivia was certain her efforts so far were not convincing enough.

Natalia hadn't failed to notice the facial clue, basically asking Natalia to back her up so that Emma wouldn't know that something was wrong and become upset. Seeing the look on Emma's face, Natalia wondered if it was too late for that but she tried.

She flashed a quick smile and then told the truth as she saw it in a way to hopefully put Emma's mind at ease and also tell Olivia what she_ really_ thought, "Emma, you know what? I think that your mommy is just really tired because, you know, she likes to overdo things."

Emma appeared to consider this, looking earnestly at Natalia and then at her mommy.

"Yeah. That's why I hired Natalia to help me out."

Emma knew her mommy was smart and hiring Natalia made sense but if it was true, that Natalia was there to help out, why did mommy look so sick and why hadn't she gotten up yet?

They held dueling smiles as Emma mulled between them.

Not wanting to be the meanie of the piece and knowing she was not going to win this argument here, especially in front of her daughter, Natalia suggested, "Em, will you be a big help and get Mommy a big glass of water, please?"

Emma nodded, happy to be doing something useful and pulled away from her mother's side as her mother called after her, "Thanks, sweetie."

Olivia released a heavy sigh and fiddled with Kitty. Natalia waited until Emma left the room and then reached toward the phone.

"What are you doing?"

Natalia had been watching Olivia since she entered the room. She was concerned the woman had yet to stand up from her reclined position and if she didn't know better, she was sure something had happened recently, maybe another dream because there was something in her eyes that spoke of last night. Either that or her headache had returned, Natalia sincerely hoped it wasn't her heart. Not wanting to give Olivia the chance to evict her before she could do any good she reached for the phone, "I'm going to call an ambulance. Or do you want to collapse first, so she can see that?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Oh come on, shhh. Just hang up." She was becoming more animated.

"No. Why?"

"No, if you know anything about me, you know I don't want to scare my daughter, okay?"

"It's a little late."

Olivia felt like she had been slapped but refused to back down. She was beginning to regret her decision to call her. But maybe this was Natalia's way of getting revenge for her behavior last night. Olivia certainly wasn't proud of herself for it; she just… didn't want to face it.

"Just hang up," she insisted. "Let me have it, okay." She had been waiting for this all day so she figured now would be as good a time as any, "Tell me how angry you are, and how you don't want to take care of someone who won't take care of themselves, and how you're this close to quitting."

"I stopped dialing."

Olivia reached forward to put her hand over Natalia's and together returned the phone to its stand, "I figured you would."

_Oh you did, did you?_ Natalia sighed, "I did it because of her, not because of you."

Olivia sat back, still holding the cuddly toy in her arms, "No, I know. I know you love my daughter. I count on that. But that's not why you stopped dialing."

Natalia grinned at the calm, reasoned woman before her who was once again taking control of the situation and shook her head, "Don't kid yourself. If you're thinking it's because I respect you or trust your judgment, you're wrong."

"No, I don't think that. It's because you need me as much as I need you."

Natalia hadn't expected that and almost recoiled in reaction. Is that really what Olivia thought? How on earth did she come to that conclusion? Did she need Olivia? The questions overwhelming her Natalia suddenly felt she had to move around. She spotted Emma's bag on the bed and busied herself with clearing it away.

Behind her, Olivia finally lowered her feet to the floor, stood up and had either gained a second wind or was cleverly using the wall to keep upright, her hands concealed deep in her pockets.

"I need you? Are you joking?"

"No."

Placing the bag under the bed and beginning to tackle the messy bed linen it struck Natalia, how could she have been so foolish? "Oh, I see, it's because of the job. You pay me." She really didn't like where this was heading, had she been wrong about Olivia's motivations, her heartfelt plea to have someone look after her interests, her faith in Natalia's ability to be that person? To take on this role? What about their 'friendship'? Olivia was standing so smug and sure… she had to know, "So is that why you gave me the job, so that I would be, you know, dependent on you?"

"No. You want to keep guessing?" Olivia was a little offended at the suggestion.

"No. I don't like guessing games." She was getting frustrated now and a little hurt, she began tugging at the sheets, trying to bring order back to the chaos and disarray where Olivia must have tossed and turned last night.

"Okay." Olivia had thought about this a lot, "It's because you're a mother. And you've been a mother since you were a teenager, and you care, you worry, and you need something to devote yourself to."

Natalia snorted her laughter in one hefty exhale, "You?"

"Well, until Rafe gets out of prison…" Natalia was rolling her eyes but Olivia was adamant in her analysis, "I'm the only thing you can mother."

_Is that what she really thinks? That I was 'mothering' her?_ "Of all of the self-centered, ridiculous..."

"Okay. You know what? You need to feel needed." Olivia was on a roll now and continued even as Natalia continued to make her bed for her, "You're the one who needs to feel virtuous. Okay? You could go donate your time at a soup kitchen, but… I'm pretty sure that I pay better."

Natalia was finding it hard to find fault with her reasoning. She did like to feel needed, "You know, Rafe made me promise that while he was away that I wouldn't just sit around worrying about him, that I would have a life." She looked around the hotel room, the bed she was forever making, the woman she was forever worrying about, "I don't think this is what he meant." Unable to leave the job half done she moved around the bed to tuck in the other side, "Pathetic, huh?"

Olivia didn't think so, "Why? Why is it pathetic?" She had been trying to understand why Natalia always came when she called, why she held her up when she was stumbling and breaking down. Why she covered for her and supported her even when she hadn't reciprocated in any way shape or form. She thought about how Natalia had loved Emma from the outset and how she herself had been so unloving.

* * *

><p><em>They had dropped in, the 'happy couple'. Their intention was to take Emma for hot chocolate but then Gus received a phone call regarding his efforts to get Olivia onto the transplant list and he decided to stay with her so they could get something down on paper. Olivia had been delighted, more so when Natalia volunteered to still take Emma out for a bit. Didn't she realize that was just what Olivia had been hoping for, the opportunity to spend some time with Gus, just the two of them?<em>

_She had been overwhelmed, the lengths Gus was going to, actually acknowledging and using his hated Spaulding name to open doors for her. Even though the repercussions with Alan and Philip were terrifying to her, she trusted him, he made her feel safe._

_She wanted him._

_When Natalia returned with Emma nearly an hour later, Olivia felt they were making real progress, both with the transplant application and her efforts to win him over. Hugging her daughter to her she couldn't resist the silent conversation as she held eye contact with Natalia over Emma's shoulder, practically shouting her triumph in how much Gus cared for her, did things for her, laughed with her; Natalia seemed unimpressed._

_Then Gus had to leave._

_Olivia continued to pore over the paperwork but was slowly seething. Although Gus left, Natalia was still with Emma and the sound of giggles and 'pat-a-cake' was sending her into a dark mood._

_When she heard Natalia exclaim, "Perfect! You're so good at this!" she closed her eyes, mutely appealing for Natalia to hurry up and go, her hopes rising as she heard, "Thank you for this. I had such a good time," and then the slender woman was exiting her daughter's bedroom and crossing her suite to reclaim her coat and bag._

"_You done in there?" _Please be done, I want you out of here.

"_Yeah," she began waving a cut out at her, "You should have seen this cute little paper doll that Emma made me."_

_She ignored her daughter's artistic efforts to focus her ire and suspicion on the woman before her, "I still don't understand why you didn't leave with Gus?" It was the question which had been burning to be asked for the last ten minutes._

"_Well, because she asked me to stay a few more minutes."_

"_Your few minutes are up." The Pollyanna attitude was making her want to gag._

"_Your daughter was just in there laughing and having a good time. I would think that you'd be happy about that."_

_As much as she loved her daughter her hackles rose in suspicion again, "Why are you doing this? Why are you spending so much time with her?"_

"_Because she's adorable."_

_Olivia, while unable to dispute the truth about her daughter, nevertheless found Natalia's reasoning hard to swallow, "And it has nothing to do with the fact that I told you I want Gus?"_

_Natalia for her part looked shocked and then sad, "You think I would do this for revenge? Not everybody works the way that you do, Olivia."_

"_Oh, I see, yeah. The hot chocolate runs, playing house. Anything else?" _God, I bet the woman even bakes cookies!

"_Well, Emma would like me to go to her school's open house."_

"_It's not going to happen." _

"_Okay. Well, what… what if you're too weak?" _

Did she really just ask that? Suggest what she was suggesting? _"I do not…" she needed to stand, she needed to emphasize her position, _she_ was Emma's mother, _not_ Natalia, "want you trying to take my place with my daughter."_

"_I am not trying to take your place with your daughter. But if the worst happens, isn't it better that she be with people that she knows and she trusts?"_

"_And loves?" Olivia couldn't believe the nerve of the woman._

"_You know, your problem is that you feel guilty that I'm helping out because of what you're doing with Gus. So maybe you should just stop it, and then you'll feel better."_

"_Yeah. Here's what you need to know," she was going to make it very clear even though she needed to sit down, she was feeling weak again and getting breathless, "I'm not giving up on Gus."_

"_He loves me."_

"_Yeah, it's funny, because Harley used to say that… all the time," she turned and resumed her seat, confident she had made her position and Natalia's very plain._

_Hoping Natalia would finally get the message and leave, Olivia was flabbergasted the younger woman hadn't gone screaming into the night; well, crying out into the corridor at least and eventually left her to think about what she had said. Her daughter was in the other room and she felt the need to be with her, after all why should Natalia have all the fun? _

_She was playing with Emma when Natalia called out to her, "You need a refill on some of these. I'll go to the pharmacy."_

_The woman had several pill bottles in her hands and was checking the labels on them._

"_It's okay. Don't bother."_

"_It's not a bother." _

_Really? Had the woman not been listening to what Olivia said? Did she really not feel that threatened by the woman with the wavering heart? Maybe that was it, she was convinced Olivia was so sick it didn't matter what she did._

_Apparently so as in the next breath Natalia was cheerfully calling out, "Bye, Emma. I'll see you later."_

_It was becoming more than Olivia could stand leading her to mutter, "Just go."_

"_I'm sorry, did you say something?"_

_Goddamn the woman was polite. "Let's not prolong this, shall we?"_

"_Oh. You're welcome." _

_Was she waving the pill bottles at her?_

"_Didn't ask you to do it." Her anger was coming to the fore again, would this woman ever catch a clue and be gone already? "Bye! Go!"_

_How could this woman have such… such stupidity? Or was it actually genuine compassion?_

* * *

><p>Olivia had always been out for what she could get, protecting herself and her own interests but Natalia… Natalia was always looking for the good in everyone, looking to see how she could offer help, always giving more of herself. Olivia admired that about her, "Because you care about someone? I envy that."<p>

Natalia was smiling at her now, unsure where this line of thought was coming from, "Okay, now I know you're joking." Olivia? Envy her?

"No, I'm not." Olivia countered.

Natalia feared the woman was going to pass out again, she had become very somber and quiet and she realized, sincere.

Finishing her thought Olivia affirmed, "I do."

For a moment, echoes of the dream flashed before her mind's eye. Shaking the dark thoughts away, not wanting Natalia to become any more concerned than she no doubt already was, she racked her brain trying to think of ways to help Natalia. She may not feel like sharing the dream but there were other things she could share.

"You know what? I have a whole slew of good dating stories that you could tell Rafe that happened to you and I have just plenty of them."

"I'm sure that you do." Natalia put the finishing touches to the bed.

"Watch it."

Natalia stood up from the last pillow to be plumped and sweeping back her bangs glanced back to the room where Emma went for a glass of water ages ago, perceptively realizing it was just a ruse to get her out of the room. She turned to confront Olivia "Yeah but really? Emma, did you see her face? I mean, you can't keep doing that to her." _Or me._

Olivia had moved her hands to her back pockets now and did a hunching shrug, "Okay."

Natalia took in the change in stance and almost school girlish petulance. Standing there Olivia, for all her faults, looked wonderful. The wide open-necked collar of her white long-sleeved blouse contrasted sharply with her dark fitted jeans and served to accent her form as she stood there vowing, "I'll eat my veggies. I promise."

As much as she wanted to, Natalia found it hard to believe her.

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode 31st January 2008 and can be seen at: .com/watch?v=0y7neJR4A8k with thanks to OtaliaNut for the clip.

Main story taken from episode 13th November 2008.


	10. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 10**

Olivia had little opportunity to totally convince of her changing ways and promises of good behavior when the phone started ringing. She was content to let it ring but Natalia, more confident in her personal assistant role, reached across her to pick it up.

"Olivia Spencer's room," she answered brightly and then listened to the person on the other end of the line. "Oh. Hi Mr. Decker." Natalia glanced at Olivia who had briefly held a hand up to her temple then withdrew it as she heard the caller's name. Natalia wondered momentarily if Olivia thought he could see her or if the thought of Decker brought back the events of the previous evening.

"If you're calling about the conference call, I already scheduled..."

More listening.

Her curiosity peaked, Olivia was beginning to get anxious and wondered about the purpose of his call.

"You're where?"

If Olivia's heart rate hadn't spiked at Natalia's tone while asking that question, it certainly did at her next.

"At Towers?"

"With the head of Galaxy and Macau. Mr. Xiao decided to come to America with his wife. They're very eager to meet Olivia."

Natalia really didn't think this was a good idea. When she had first arrived at her suite, Olivia had been unable to stand, she was clearly still getting over the effects of the previous evening and the way Emma had looked so scared… there was no way she could let Olivia put herself through another night like the one before.

"Oh, Mr. Decker, I'm so sorry, but Olivia is already overbooked." Olivia was mouthing at her, gesticulating to stop, "So I don't think that it's possible..." Olivia reached for the phone and Natalia swatted her away, only serving to bolster Olivia's efforts to take control of the conversation. "Excuse me, Mr. Decker. Actually, Olivia just stepped in."

A little annoyed, she pulled the phone away from her ear and covered the mouthpiece with her hand as Olivia whispered, "What is it?"

Considering the previous twenty or so minutes, heck, the previous twenty or so hours, Natalia was confused, "Does it matter?"

"Hey, you're my assistant, not my boss." Although she knew her words could be misconstrued, Olivia really couldn't afford to turn Decker down, regardless of how she was feeling and while she appreciated Natalia was only looking out for her best interests as she always, unfailingly seemed to do, this was her job. More, this was about her sense of pride, her determination to prove she was still 'Olivia Spencer', a woman who still had what it takes and who, in business at least, never failed. She wasn't about to start now.

Natalia, slightly stung by the comment, internally acknowledged her apparent role in Olivia's life. She was still reeling from the observation of her need to mother someone and even though there was an element of truth in that, with Olivia it ran deeper, much deeper. As her 'friend' however, she saw no reason to continue this charade. Wasn't Emma's face enough to tell Olivia what she needed to know? Resigned, she informed Olivia, "Mr. Decker and the Xiao's are in town."

"The Xiao's from Macau, the head of Galaxy Macau?" Ignoring the sudden rush of adrenaline at hearing the Xiao's were in town she went on, "No, no you tell them that I can do this, okay? I told Larry that I would be available for anything that popped up, okay?"

Natalia, still hanging onto the phone, was shaking her head at her. Olivia had to make her understand, "If I don't show up, he's going to think that something is wrong, and it's going to blow everything."

Natalia couldn't see where this was a problem, surely Olivia didn't seriously think she could continue to put herself through this, "Oh, I thought Emma was everything, and Ava, and your life."

"Oh, that's not fair. It's my life." Her hand reached out and after a moment's hesitation, Natalia released the phone to her. Cheerily Olivia spoke, "Hi, Larry. It's Olivia."

Natalia turned away in disgust.

"Olivia, hi I'm glad you ah… I'm glad you are in."

"That's right. I just stepped in." Olivia watched as Natalia brooded.

"Listen, we have an emergency meeting with the Xiao's, the head of Galaxy and Macau. Can you ah… can you make it?"

"The Xiao's are in town?" Her upbeat voice so far removed from her earlier post-nightmare one. "Of course, I would love to meet with them." She glared at Natalia to emphasize her point.

Natalia for her part accepted it was a done deal and dropped onto the chair in defeat.

"I'll be in touch. Thanks."

"I'll clear my schedule. Absolutely," she grinned while Natalia shook her head, already assuming this was not going to go well.

Unable to listen as Olivia kept up her pretense, Natalia went to check on Emma pleased to find the little girl engaged in some colouring as she lay on her bed, feet raised behind her, ankles crossed and swinging back and forth in the air.

"Hey Natalia," the girl looked up and smiled, the hand holding the purple felt-tip pen ceased its furious shading.

"Hey Emma, that's quite a picture."

It was an enormous rainbow arcing from one side of the paper to the other, the internal arch still incomplete and beneath it were three figures, one definitely shorter than the others.

"It's for mommy," she beamed then grew serious as she regarded Natalia with all the innocent sincerity an eight year old can muster, "Natalia, is mommy really okay?"

Not wanting to lie to the child but not wanting to scare her either Natalia joined Emma on the bed and answered, "Your mommy is one of the strongest people I know." She swept back Emma's bangs as she had her mother's the night before and continued, "She just works very hard and makes herself very tired."

Emma studied her, "But you help mommy, so she doesn't have to work so hard."

It seemed obvious to the little girl; Natalia was there so why was mommy still so tired all the time?

"Well, that's true and I do. But there are some things I can't help her with," _like battling through her stubborn pride to make her see reason._

Emma looked concerned and then turned away to look down at her picture. Natalia placed a finger under her chin to turn her gently back to her and then dabbed her on the nose with its tip. "But together, we'll make sure she doesn't do too much, okay?" She smiled and relaxed when Emma smiled back.

"Is that you and your mommy?" She indicated the figures under the rainbow.

"Uh huh," Emma nodded and then pointed to the third figure, "And that's you," she beamed.

Natalia's feelings overwhelmed her and she smiled as her eyes began to smart with tears. "That's me?"

Emma nodded again and went back to concentrating on her colouring, unaware her simple gesture had meant so much to the woman beside her and how many times her wonderful nature had had such a profound impact on Natalia's decisions.

* * *

><p><em>She had done something terrible, unforgivable, she had cost Olivia a chance at a heart and her guilt was overwhelming her. She was supposed to be happy. She had married her childhood sweetheart, the father of her child and yet she was consumed with the knowledge her actions had cost another person their chance at life and worse, a mother who had the most adorable little girl.<em>

_Gus had spurned her, his devotion to finding another heart for Olivia in part fueled with his disbelief and horror in his new bride having the ability to lock a sick woman in the toilet. Somehow Natalia had to make it right but really, how could she ever make this right?_

_Not knowing what else to do, Natalia resorted to the one thing she did know, how to care for someone. Gus obviously felt Olivia was worthy of his efforts and that, coupled with her shame, was enough for Natalia to find herself at Olivia's hotel room armed with groceries and a container of soup._

_When she arrived Olivia opened the door, rolled her eyes at her and took refuge on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her. Taking this as invitation to enter Natalia followed her into the room advising, "I brought something for you."_

_Natalia could feel Olivia watching her in silence._

"_Have you eaten yet?" Natalia tried again; there was always comfort in food._

_Still no answer._

_Determined not to be frozen out, Natalia put the bag of groceries down on the nearby table and then collected a bowl, sat at the table and opened the container, "I don't know if you're going to like this," she began to pour the soup out, "but I used to make it for Rafe when he wasn't feeling well."_

"_Do you really think soup is going to make up for what you did?"_

_Natalia, relieved to find Olivia actually speaking to her, concentrated on the bowl in front of her, still unable to look Olivia in the eye. Of course she knew it was a poor substitute for a heart but, "I just wanted to do something for you."_

"_Why should I help you clear your conscience?"_

_Natalia knew this wasn't going to be easy and was finding it hard to verbalize a response so she let Olivia continue as she put the lid back on the tub and maintained an interest in the soup bowl._

"_So you can go home to Gus and feel good about yourself while I waste away here? Of course, once I'm gone, you won't have to think about me altogether, will you?"_

"_You're not going to die." She couldn't die, it couldn't be because of her, Natalia would make sure of it._

"_Everyone dies. You just bought me a seat on the express train."_

_Clearly Olivia was not going to let her off lightly and frankly, she couldn't blame her but Olivia had to understand, she would never deliberately endanger someone's life like that, especially… she voiced her thoughts, "I'm a mother too. I would never try to jeopardize your life and take you away from your children." Just the thought of that little girl, Natalia wanted to cry, "I am so very sorry."_

"_I think you mean that."_

_She did, "Short of giving you my own heart, I will do whatever I can for you."_

"_Okay." _

_Natalia still refused to look at her but she could hear in her voice as she continued Olivia was crying, "Give me your husband. Till death do us part. It shouldn't be very long, thanks to you."_

_Natalia was torn. Even now, Olivia amazed her with her ability to be so forthright, so demanding. She moved away from the soup offering and focused on the groceries, Olivia turning the knife as she went on, "You know, this isn't exactly the proudest moment of my life, having to ask you to step aside for what little time I have left so that I don't have to face this alone."_

_Natalia had to quell the sudden urge to hug the broken woman and to tell her everything was going to be alright but it wasn't… because of her, because of what she had done. Rallying her own determination and belief in the power of positive thinking she attempted to steer her away from the things she didn't have to highlight the things she did, "Okay, you're not alone. You have us and you have your children…"_

_Olivia cut her off, "Children provide a different kind of comfort. I don't have a man to care for me." Olivia paused, "You went without that for a long time, so you…" _

_Natalia could hear Olivia laboring for breath, clearly upset. From the corner of her eye she could see her wedged into the corner of the couch, tears running freely down her flushed face as she spoke her fears, "…you know the difference. You know… what a relief it is to have someone strong to lean on when you're going through a tough time."_

_Olivia was struggling now, unused to facing such a bleak reality and all Natalia could do was listen, "I used to be able to get any man I wanted. Now I actually need one..."_

"_I can't- I can't do that. Ask me anything else." Hadn't Olivia just shown an understanding of Natalia's situation, the fact she had gone so long without a man in part due to her faith in finding Rafe's father, her one and only? How could she expect her to just hand him over?_

_Before she had an opportunity to answer, Emma came bursting through the door. _

_Natalia watched as Olivia scrubbed away at her tears to enthusiastically shout, "Hi, baby girl!"_

_Emma launched herself up into Olivia's waiting arms, "Come here," she hugged. "Did you have fun skating with Jane?"_

"_I want to skate with you."_

"_How about we read later?"_

"_We never go out anymore. You don't spin me."_

_Natalia closed her eyes at the child's observation._

"_Mommy can't spin you right now, okay? Sorry."_

_Emma asked, "Mommy, why are you sad?" and Natalia felt her blood run cold when Olivia replied, "Ask Natalia."_

"_Olivia..." Natalia looked to the almost picture perfect vision of mother and child and wondered how Olivia could expect her to answer this, to explain to sweet, lovable little Emma that if Natalia had had more faith in Gus and in herself, then Olivia would probably have a new heart by now and would be laughing with her daughter instead of scaring her._

_Olivia clarified, "Ask Natalia to spin you. Go on."_

_Emma climbed down from Olivia's lap and crossed to Natalia, grinning hopefully._

"_Do you wanna show me how?"_

_The little girl raised her arms up in answer._

"_Pick you up?"_

_Emma nodded._

"_Okay."_

_Cradling her in her arms she began to turn, "Here we go! We're spinning." _

_They picked up pace, turning faster and faster, "Whee!" they giggled._

"_See?" Olivia joined in from the couch, "You're spinning!"_

_After several rotations Natalia stopped, her heart light for the first time since entering the room, "Emma, you want to um… you want to go ask your nanny if she wants to spin you?" Emma nodded and Natalia lowered her to the floor again._

"_Go have fun, baby."_

_Natalia noticed Olivia's tears._

_Emma, who was virtually out of the door, startled Natalia by suddenly turning back to run towards her mommy and launch herself into another hug. "Give me some," Olivia said as she squeezed and squeezed her little girl to her. After several moments Olivia released her hold. "Okay," she acknowledged as Emma made her exit._

_Natalia closed the door behind her and then moved back to the couch, Olivia burrowed into the corner, overcome once more with emotion and silently crying. Emma was so special and the love flowing between mother and child so intense, Natalia considered Olivia's request again and sat on the opposite end of the couch. She regarded Olivia's tear streaked face before surrendering, "I'll think about it."_

* * *

><p>Placing a hand to the back of Emma's head Natalia stood up and said, "I think it's a wonderful picture and your mommy's going to love it." <em>I know I do.<em>

Her heart swelling with such love for the little girl she walked back into the main room to see what ridiculous arrangements Olivia had agreed to knowing, regardless of her mothering instincts, she felt love for the impossibly difficult woman as well.

Olivia was sat at the table when she reentered the room, the older woman's hand poised over the complimentary hotel notepad in a bizarre mirror image of her daughter only Olivia wasn't colouring in but making notes about her plans with Decker.

"Great, Larry. Tomorrow night it is." Olivia circled the date she had jotted down. "And you know what? If the Xiao's want a home-cooked meal, that's exactly what they're going to get." A shadow crossed over her notepad and Olivia sat up to view Natalia looking down at her dejectedly and she grinned at her, maintaining her upbeat call, "I look forward to meeting them too. Bye."

She hung up.

"You don't keep your promises very long, huh?"

"I did not break my promise. I'm going to serve lots of veggies."

Natalia sighed, _again with the attempts at humour_, "You never change, do you?"

"That's not true. Before I met you, I was… I was impossible."

"Oh, so… what does that make you now?"

Olivia exhaled sharply, sounding a little laugh, "I'm…" she thought frantically for a word, "Breezy."

"You're breezy? Breezy…" Natalia folded her arms and couldn't resist joining in with Olivia's laughter, "Yeah, that's some magic mirror you're looking into."

"Oh, it's a fantastic mirror." Olivia agreed, secretly pleased Natalia had lightened up enough to join in with her. She knew she was pushing herself, she understood what Natalia was trying to tell her about Emma but this was going to be a good thing, not like going out to Towers and having to prove herself by keeping pace with Decker. This was… wholesome. "Hey, do you still have the keys to Cassie's house?"

"Yeah, I have them in my bag." _Where was Olivia going with this… had she said something about a home cooked meal?_

"Mm hm, see this is perfect. Her house has that, like, all American charm thing going for it so we'll have the dinner there."

"Okay, but she cleaned out her kitchen, so we are going to have it catered."

"Can't be catered," Olivia jumped in, "They're tired of eating out. It needs to be a home-cooked meal."

"Well, how are you going to make..." Natalia realized Olivia was pulling an adorable, puppy-dog look at her, raising her eyebrows and fluttering her lashes in hopeful appeal. The penny dropped, "Yeah, I'm, I'm … me..." she pointed at herself, "I'm going to make the…" Olivia was nodding encouragingly again, "Yeah."

Olivia was laughing aloud, a joyous sound but with her sudden knowledge, Natalia only clenched her jaw. "Yeah Ms breezy," she said swinging her arms at her sides and raising them as if to strangle the amused woman before her, "That's not what I want to call you right now."

After Olivia's laughter died down, Natalia noticed her frowning again and rubbing her forehead with her palm.

"Headache back?"

"No… maybe a little bit."

Natalia looked at Kitty abandoned on the table, "It's not too late to pull out of this you know."

Olivia shook her head. She couldn't, she had a plan and she was going to stick to it, this was a great opportunity for her. She knew she was going to need Natalia's help to really pull this off and for all her posturing and cajoling threats, Olivia also knew Natalia wanted her to succeed.

"Listen, why don't I…"

"You know I really need to…"

They both started at the same time, Olivia indicated for Natalia to go first.

"You know I really need to go get some supplies."

"Okay."

Natalia waited, hesitant to suggest what she was thinking and thankfully Olivia took her hesitation as an invitation to finish her own thought, "I was going to say why don't I relax here for a bit, like I know you want me to and then we'll meet later to plan how we're going to do this?"

Natalia was relieved, this fit in with her thinking completely. The last thing she wanted was yet another late night the day before having to cook an important dinner party.

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes, go… go, I'll see you later." Olivia beamed her wide smile at her again and Natalia picked up her bag and left; she really did have a lot to do.

~/\~

It was a good plan, Cassie's place would definitely have the right feel for what Olivia was going for, the only thing it didn't have going for it was supplies. Therefore Natalia was on a mission, she required pots, pans and a whole slew of other equipment and ingredients she was sure Cassie's place would not have.

Her first port of call was Company; Buzz was able to gather most of her necessary items in a box for her but Natalia still felt a little guilty taking it, "Do you think that I can borrow some of this stuff? And I'll pick it up tomorrow. I'll pay for all the food, of course."

"Yeah, sure." Buzz wondered what the younger woman had gotten herself into now.

"You're really going through a lot of trouble." Frank sounded surprised.

"Well, I want it to be perfect." She really did, this obviously meant a lot to Olivia and in turn that meant a lot to her too.

"Who is… who is this special dinner for?" Buzz laughed as he reached over to his son's head and made as if to comb his hair. Frank swatted at him admonishing, 'Pop' but his father knew how much Frank worshipped Natalia and enjoyed teasing him, he also noticed how closely Frank was paying attention waiting to hear her answer

"Olivia."

"Oh." Buzz was still amused but Frank looked vaguely disgruntled.

Feeling the need to explain herself in a way Frank would understand Natalia continued, "You know, Olivia, my boss. There are some very important people from Galaxy visiting."

Buzz picked up the carefully scripted list and reviewed the culinary choices, "Well, this is a very impressive list. It must be fancy."

"Well, they're from China, and Olivia wants to impress them." Natalia carefully checked through the box again, she didn't want to forget anything.

Buzz was silently cheering Frank on as he suggested, "Well, then why don't you make your chicken and rice dinner that you make, you know, and serve a nice little Chilean wine, and that great pudding that you make."

"Well, you know, that's more for friends. These people are world travelers."

Father and son shared a look, "Well, then just be yourself. I mean, who wouldn't be charmed by that." Having had his say, Frank left them and Buzz admired his son's own attempt to charm the beauty before him.

Natalia however shared a sympathetic smile with Buzz that suggested she felt Frank didn't have a clue. Indicating the box of items she said, "Thanks Buzz."

"Yeah."

One final check before returning to her mental to-do list and she walked away, Buzz turning behind her with a plan of his own in mind.

~/\~

Olivia had attempted to keep her word and relax for a bit but when Emma exited her room not long after Natalia left and Olivia explained they were going to be taking a trip to Cassie's farmhouse, the little girl's excitement was irrepressible.

Thinking she could either try to contend with an overly enthusiastic eight year old persistently pestering when were they going to go or head over to Cassie's now and allow Emma to burn her energy out while she settled down and tried to restore her own, it became a bit of a no-brainer. Besides, Olivia wanted to check out the lay of the land to be utterly convincing as the homeowner.

Once there she had taken Emma on a quick tour of the house and was relieved when her daughter asked if she could look around the grounds, to be honest her head was starting to swim and she really, really wanted to sit down without causing any undue alarm, so she happily agreed as long as Emma didn't stray too far from the house and came back in within the hour.

Lowering herself into the nearest kitchen chair she sat at the beautiful round wooden table and must have zoned out for a bit, the knock at the door startled her. Regaining her composure a little she called out, "It's open," before pushing her chair back to give herself some room to stand.

Natalia appeared in the doorway, one arm cradling a large box.

"Hey." Natalia was surprised to see Olivia.

"Hi," Olivia couldn't believe how difficult it was to push herself up from the table. _Maybe a power nap would've been a good idea._

"You weren't supposed to be here." _And it looks like you shouldn't be_. Natalia watched concerned at the effort involved for Olivia to stand and the way she was using the table for support. Worse, the way Olivia was obviously but badly trying to cover it. She struggled in with her box and Olivia moved in to help her saying, "Well, Emma wanted to explore. And..."

"I got it."

Olivia recoiled back relieved but it was short-lived as she began to feel faint again. She laid a hand on her stomach in an attempt to appear relaxed while trying to combat the unsettling sensation she was experiencing.

Meanwhile, Natalia bustled around the kitchen unaware and cheerfully informing, "Well, I just got some... little decorations and stuff like that," she closed the door and crossed to the counter near the stove to place her bag down, "and then I can pick up the rest in the morning."

"Okay." Olivia was finding Natalia's movement through the room a little dizzying.

Natalia finally turned alarmed to notice the perceptively swaying woman, "Sit!" she instructed.

"Sit!" Olivia responded as if reiterating the instruction firmly embedded it into her mind and aided the action. She gratefully seated herself at the table again.

"You sit and you relax."

"Thanks."

"Save up your energy for tomorrow. You're the face of Galaxy, and the Xiao's are coming."

"Okay," she laughed, Olivia wasn't sure what it was but Natalia seemed to be enjoying herself, she was almost bubbly. She liked it. "Look, in case I haven't told you, thank you…"

"I know. I know," Natalia cut her off continuing, "I have to wear something presentable. I have to look sophisticated, like I belong to an international corporation, and not waiting tables. And I must never, ever talk about religion or politics."

Olivia considered the woman before her and how attractive she looked in her soft, grey thigh length cardigan which coated her curves and made her look amply sophisticated. Religion and politics though? "Well, yeah, but besides those…" Olivia really wanted to tell her but Natalia kept cutting her off.

"Yeah, but you never said I couldn't talk celebrity gossip though."

"I'm sorry. Is that a joke?" Olivia was gob smacked, her original line of thinking completely sidetracked by the return of the playful woman she had last seen at the cabin on their trip away. It struck Olivia how since their return things had pretty much gone back to the way they were before and she sadly acknowledged her part in that, the way she kept pushing herself and staying focused on potentially the wrong things such as her job rather than her life.

_Truthfully_, Olivia considered, _it's no wonder that Natalia never really relaxes, what with all that she has going on in her own life and the way she still finds the time to fuss over and after me. And how had did I so charmingly put it? 'Mothering'? _

Olivia didn't know when she would really accept what was going on between them or even if she understood what it was?

She kept dipping a toe into the water of this friendship, which she had to concede went beyond anything she had experienced before, and in a moment of epiphany and personal insight, she realized Natalia was her first real 'girl' friend. She wasn't used to that. Men she understood, men she could play but this, this was surprisingly challenging, nurturing, even fun and if she were honest, a little scary.

Maybe she could try again, for the life of her, she couldn't find any reasons why she shouldn't. Deciding to tweak the other woman Olivia commented, "I didn't even know you could smile."

"Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Natalia turned away and moved over to her bag, oblivious to the revelation reawakening in Olivia's eyes.

Olivia was still laughing; she really liked seeing the return of this Natalia and wondered what had triggered this side of her? What was it that was making her so, so…open?

"I like to cook for people, so you can thank me with a bonus."

Olivia thought it was more than that though, she certainly hoped it was. She remembered when they were at the cabin, the kitchen there so reminiscent of this farmhouse and how Natalia had been in her element. She looked… at home. Was it really that simple? The company played a part in it too, didn't it? She was uncomfortable at the feeling of insecurity that somehow crept into her already unsettled stomach. _Why is it so important to me to feel like I can influence her happiness? _

She was about to say something further when a loud banging sounded somebody was at the door.

"Emma must have locked herself out."

"I'll get it," Natalia volunteered and walked through the adjoining door to the lounge.

"Thanks." Olivia was fighting hard to not pass out. Her mind flashed again to their few days away and wondered briefly if this was a malady of some sort returning or whether there was something seriously wrong with her heart. She really didn't want to consider what that meant and despised all the 'I told you so's she was sure she would hear.

Struggling to control her shaky limbs to muster the energy to stand again, Olivia was curious who it was at the door, it clearly wasn't Emma. Using the nearby furniture to aid her progress through the kitchen, she had gone only a few steps when she heard a man's voice saying, "Thank you Natalia," and then the front door closing.

She crossed the threshold into the lounge, trying to hide her lurch from the doorframe to the wall for support as she noticed Decker and a couple who were clearly the Xiao's standing there expectantly with a stunned Natalia.

"Olivia," Decker called out as he spotted her.

"Hi," she smiled in response drawing upon all of her reserves of energy to keep her from making a fool or herself and maneuvered so she was next to the conveniently placed high-backed chair ideal, and currently essential, for leaning on.

"I got your message about changing the dinner to tonight," Decker continued.

"Tonight?" Natalia's amazed question was quickly covered by an agreeing, "Tonight," as she looked to Olivia in silent appeal.

Not to be thrown or disappoint the eager looks on the faces of her guests Olivia smiled widely, assumed a casual stance and nodding confirmed, "Yes, tonight."

Natalia was horrified, how could they have a meal this evening? Why hadn't Olivia told her of the change of plans? She had nothing, nothing!

"So," Decker said pleased, "When do we eat? We're starving."

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode 15th February 2008 and can be seen at: .com/watch?v=ed-GBvukH-0 with thanks to annieQC74 for the clip

Main story taken from episode 13th November 2008


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 11**

Trying to ignore the look of horror on Natalia's face, keep upright and maintain the pretense this was all proceeding exactly as planned, Olivia stalled for time and moved over to the fireplace. Natalia, for her part, was incapable of restraining her dismay and exclaimed, "You're here!"

The Xiao's bowed, smiling in response and Decker, perhaps for once being perceptive enough to pick up something was a little off queried, "You did give me a message about our changing the dinner from tomorrow night to tonight?"

"Ugh," Natalia was frantically searching for a way to let them down gently and postpone the meal, "Mr. Decker, um..."

"No!" Olivia cut in, "there's no problem. You're just here a few minutes early, but it's nothing we can't handle, right?"

Natalia couldn't understand Olivia's uncanny ability to completely disguise the fact she was running on empty and act as if this was an everyday occurrence for her to deal with unexpected guests when they had absolutely nothing to feed them, let alone cook with. This was no doubt why she had been so successful in business and Natalia fervently hoped her charade would pay off once again.

Internally amused by the utterly wonderful array of expressions on Natalia's face Olivia mustered the appropriate hostess persona and asked of her, "Would you please take Mrs. Xiao's coat?" Her energy was waning and she needed to move this along.

Spurred into action, Natalia smiled and took the coat.

"What a charming home!" Mrs. Xiao commented.

"Thank you very much. It's been in my family for generations," Olivia lied as she shoved her hands deep into her pockets and looked around the room as if it had always been her humble home sweet home. She noticed Natalia's eyes reacting to the lie and then committing to the cause as the plan was obviously going full steam ahead.

"I hope you'll forgive our clothes. When we changed the dinner plans, we didn't give ourselves enough time to change."

They experienced the uncomfortable moment when you first enter a strange home or have strangers in your home which inevitably leads to nervous laughter and Mrs. Xiao reassured them, "Oh, you look fine," a conclusion both Natalia and Olivia had already drawn unbeknownst to the other.

"What can I get you to drink?" Olivia asked.

"Martinis all around," Decker clapped his hands together and rubbed them specifying, "Dry, on the rocks." He leaned in to Olivia and pointed to himself, "That's my influence."

Olivia laughed, very familiar with how Decker liked his martinis from the evidence of the night before.

"Great. Okay. No problem," Natalia held her smile and clasping Mrs. Xiao's coat to her, left the room, a small almost imperceptible shake of her head to indicate to Olivia she should follow and a quick tug on her sleeve as she went by in case she failed to notice. Olivia, having no option but to notice, spun on her heel in place and trailed after her.

Natalia waited in the kitchen for Olivia to make her way through the door, concerned when the older woman clung to the worktop and settled herself back against it drawing in a large intake of breath.

"What am I supposed to do?" Natalia asked.

Olivia looked at her.

"I... I have nothing to serve. You could pass out at any second…" Natalia continued, the possibility of hyperventilating herself growing with every observation of their predicament.

"Okay, shh!" Olivia did not want to consider that as an option. Somehow they were going to get out of this unscathed and with her reputation intact. Pointing over toward the back door she inquired, "What's in that little box that you brought over?"

"I... I brought... I brought decorations, candles." How could Olivia not be picking up on how bad their situation actually was, "We don't have any pans. We don't have any dishes." Natalia could feel her anxiety rising as she listed all the things they didn't have.

"Okay."

"We have no food!" she exclaimed.

"Alright. Alright," Olivia gestured for silence, "I know…"

Natalia waited, hanging on the dramatic pause to hear what cunning and imaginative plan Olivia would come up with.

"Five martinis," she held her hand up fingers wide to helpfully visualize the number, "Don't skimp on the olives!"

With that she pushed herself away from the counter and with a supportive pat on Natalia's arm, went back to play host to Decker and the Xiao's. Natalia remained, one arm out in appeal, the other clutching a coat and her mouth open as she looked around the beautiful but inadequately stocked, and consequently useless, kitchen wondering what on earth was she going to do now?

~/\~

Olivia returned to the lounge knowing while she had dropped Natalia well and truly in it, she had the equally difficult task of putting her guests at ease, entertaining them and keeping them from realizing anything was wrong. She had faith Natalia would pull something out of the bag, the woman had not let her down yet.

* * *

><p><em>It had been a busy day so far, Emma had been allowed to have the day off school, a onetime thing for a very special occasion. She had been so thrilled about the first day of Olivia's new job she had almost dragged her out of bed that morning, full of questions about whether her mommy was excited or nervous and being honest, Olivia confessed to maybe a little nervousness.<em>

_They were both dressed up to attend the 'mother/daughter' photo shoot scheduled at the Beacon a little later on and feeling like she was really 'back' and riding the wave of positivity and good fortune, Olivia agreed to Emma's request for ice cream at Company. She made her promise to be really careful with her clothes and unsurprisingly she was, not one drip was evident on her pretty red dress._

_They were about to leave when Natalia walked in with the Cooper clan. Rafe's sentencing was today and Olivia could only look on as Emma hugged the sad woman and offered what comfort an eight year old could. Olivia felt for her, she did and although she was drawn to Natalia's sad expressive eyes, today was a good day and Olivia was going to stay upbeat, maintaining the belief she could do this, she had to, she had something to prove._

_With surprising difficulty she put all thoughts of Natalia and Rafe Rivera out of her mind to concentrate on the task at hand as she and her daughter met with the photographer, his equipment set up in one of the alcove spots along the Beacon corridors._

"_Okay. We'll do you first, and then we'll get some shots of you and your daughter," he lightly pushed at Olivia's elbow to place her at the angle he was after, "Alright?"_

"_Okay. Do I look okay?" Olivia was feeling a little self-conscious and tugged on her jacket._

"_Okay?" The photographer stepped back and raised his camera, "You are a knockout. Isn't your mom beautiful?"_

"_And important," Emma added._

_Olivia laughed, "Thank you, honey."_

"_Okay. Good." The photographer fell into photographer speak as he began snapping away and Olivia assumed a variety of poses and expressions, "Great," he continued._

_They seemed to have been there a very long time and Olivia could feel her smile wilting. The photographer was in full flow however, moving from one side to the other, changing stances and tilting the camera, "Okay, let's try to get a couple from this angle."_

_Emma had left a little while ago, Jane had come to collect her and Olivia was doing her best not to be envious._

"_So how are the pictures with my daughter? How did they turn out?"_

"_Oh, they're great. _

"_Great. She's going to love it." What had started out as fun was beginning to wear on her and Olivia had resorted to putting her hands in her pockets again, convinced they were shaking from weariness. Still the photographer wouldn't let up._

"_Yeah. Okay, now, a big smile. Try... can you toss your hair for me?"_

Toss my hair?_ As dizzy as she was starting to feel, tossing her hair was most definitely not on the top of her 'to do' list._

"_Oh, you know what? I could use a break," she was frankly amazed he hadn't noticed his subject was drooping and becoming less responsive to his commands. Rubbing at the tension she could feel burning at the back of her neck she suggested, "We've been doing this for a while. I could use a touchup, right? _

"_A five?"_

Wow, he was keen_. She quickly countered with, "fifteen," not waiting to hear if he agreed as she made a swift exit in hopes she wouldn't drop there and then._

_The corridor tilted as she weaved to a nearby door and let herself in. Poking her head around the door and checking there was no current occupancy, she closed the door, threw her keycard on the bed and crawled after it, flopping face down in relief just to be horizontal once more. Breathing heavily she whispered, "Oh, God," and spent the next few seconds trying to slow her heart rate._

_She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she heard was a short rap on the door, the door opening and a voice calling, "Olivia?"_

_She recognized the voice and wondered why this woman was always present when she really, really wanted to be left alone? Convinced it would make no difference Olivia still gave it a try, "Go away!" she said._

_Sometimes being proved right was not all it was cracked up to be. Natalia hadn't gone away and was speaking again, "What a relief. I thought something was wrong."_

_Nothing was wrong, she was just tired. She lay there, aware of Natalia moving around the room and hearing her approach, rolled over so she was lying on her back. Placing one hand under the pillow she pulled it further under her head and having resituated in another comfy position started to doze._

"_Can you sit up a little and drink this?"_

_Olivia didn't feel like drinking or talking so she mumbled, "No. Just set it down, please."_

_Natalia was not going to go that easily and sank onto the bed next to her, "What's the matter?"_

"_I'm tired."_

"_Well, there's tired and then there's... this."_

"_Didn't I ask you to leave?"_

"_This isn't even your room."_

"_It's my hotel," isn't that enough? She just needed a few more minutes._

"_And people are going to check in here. And what are you going to do when people come in here and they see you sprawled out on their bed?"_

"_They'll say, hey, there's the owner, and she's sprawled out on... I just need... I just need a little while…" She could feel things going hazy again as she slipped into that wonderfully dissociative moment when reality blurs and slips away; unless someone stops you…_

"_You need a little trip to the hospital."_

"_No!"_

"_You can't even get up."_

Maybe not right now but_, "I... I will. I will." She really wanted to go back to sleep._

"_Why won't you just let me help you? You need to go to the doctor, make sure everything is okay."_

_It was a good question, why wouldn't she let her help her? She had been doggedly persistent about helping her on so many other occasions. She rallied, needing to explain why she was doing what she was doing and then maybe, Natalia would understand and leave her alone._

"_Listen, I'm in the middle of a photo shoot, okay? And I need to be healthy. I need to be glowing. They need to think I'm healthy. If he finds out… If Decker finds out..." She was fading again._

"_Olivia. Olivia!"_

_Why was she shouting, she was right there._

"_What are you going to do when they come in here looking for you?"_

_Olivia wanted to cry, couldn't the woman see she was tired; she would be fine if only, "I just need a few minutes. A few minutes!"_

_When Olivia woke up what she thought was a few minutes later, no one had checked into the room and Natalia was mercifully gone. Her watch confirmed she had been asleep for nearly ten minutes and she was trying not to panic about the photographer who would no doubt be wondering where she was by now; frankly, Olivia wasn't convinced she had completely woken up enough yet to deal with all of that._

_While the nap had done wonders to restore her energy levels, she dove into the bathroom to throw some water on her face to hopefully freshen up the rest of her, finger combing her hair back into some semblance of order._

_Taking a steadying breath, she then made her way with haste back to the photo shoot. As she approached the corridor she could hear voices in conversation and identified Natalia's saying, "She actually sent me to interface with your photographer but I'm very glad that I was able to tell you personally."_

"_I am, too," a male voice responded and Olivia's heart nearly skipped a beat when she recognized Lawrence Decker, her new boss._

"_So, is there anything else I can let her know?"_

_Concerned she needed to save face, Olivia strode towards them. _

"_Ah… Oh Olivia! There you are."_

"_Yes, Lawrence. I'm so sorry." Olivia hurried into the conversation._

"_No need to be. Your assistant explained everything."_

_Startled, Olivia glanced at Natalia and nearly did a double take as she noticed her wearing one of her own jackets over her maid's uniform and standing with notepad in hand looking the very picture of elegance and efficiency, "She did?"_

"_Yeah. She made it clear that you had no intention of leaving our photographer hanging."_

"_Oh, well great, yes." Olivia nodded, thrown once again by the woman beside her who seemed to persist in helping her._

"_I know you have a business to run here, so don't worry about disappearing on us."_

"_Oh, thank you." Olivia was more than relieved, "I'm glad she found you." She shared a smile with Natalia while her mind tried desperately to catch up and make sense of the twilight zone she found herself in. Deciding to go with the flow and reclaim some element of control she announced, "I'm ready to continue."_

"_Oh, don't worry about it. The photographer says he has plenty to work with. Let's call off the, um... the publicity photographs for the day, okay?"_

"_Great. Thank you." Olivia was genuinely smiling now._

"_It's probably pretty grueling, under those lights and all."_

_Was he fishing, looking for a sign of weakness? Olivia wasn't going to give an inch and casually stated, "Oh, I'm used to it."_

"_Yeah, well, it must have been...what?" Natalia jumped in and looked at Olivia for agreement, "We were at it for four hours last Saturday with the photographer?"_

_Incredibly Natalia was jumping in with false evidence to support Olivia's claims, "Oh, yeah." She nodded, "Whew!"_

"_It's a new brochure at the Beacon," Natalia went on._

"_Oh, really? I'd love to see them sometime." _

_Olivia was convinced Decker was challenging them and they were going to be caught in the lie but was astonished when Natalia simply answered very smoothly with, "Well, they won't be out for a while but I will make sure that you get one," and made a note on her pad._

"_Wonderful." Decker was clearly enamored with Olivia's personal assistant and had yet to fully take his eyes off her and Olivia, wondering if she had indeed woken up could understand why._

_Olivia was seeing a side to Natalia she had seen glimpses of before but this ability to put people at ease, to think on her feet. _My god, the woman just lied for me and so easily_. Olivia was truly impressed._

_Decker, finally turning away, faced her and broke her inner appraisal, "Olivia, while I have you, maybe we can go over a few details of some of your personal appearances?"_

"_Sure," she was feeling incredibly confident again for some reason, it was more than having her bacon saved, it was almost like she suddenly felt as if she wasn't alone in this._

"_I'm gonna take that as my cue to go," Natalia cut in, "but Mr. Decker, it was a pleasure meeting you."_

"_The pleasure was all mine," they shook hands and Natalia left. Decker watched her leave clearly seeing something he liked, "She's a keeper."_

"_Yeah." Olivia studied Natalia's back as she walked away and experienced an overwhelming sense of possession, "No poaching. She's mine. Okay?"_

* * *

><p>It was the first time Olivia had seen how effective, dynamic and charismatic Natalia could be.<p>

Reasonably confident this evening would also eventually be a success; Olivia invited her guests to sit and attempted to get the conversational ball rolling. Leading with a positive Olivia enthused, "Well, I can't wait to visit Macau. I thought when I took this job that I would be in China at least once a month. Those darn video conferencing..."

So far so good, the group laughed and as Olivia went on there were footsteps on the stairs, "Oh… hey!" she exclaimed as Emma came rushing into the room and, oblivious to anyone else there, ran straight up to her to announce, "Mommy, I didn't see any cows."

Not sure how to cover such an apparent non sequitur Olivia steered the conversation in another direction, "Hey, we've got guests. You remember Mr. Decker?"

"Hey, kiddo."

"And this is Mr. And Mrs. Xiao."

"How do you spell that?"

"Emma is very into spelling these days."

"Really? Can she spell martini?"

Choosing to ignore the obvious dig at the lack of drinks and wanting to stall to give Natalia as much time as she needed, Olivia encouraged, "Go get 'em, Em. Mar...tin...I…"

"M..."

"Mar..." she sounded out the word, grateful for the distraction.

"...a..."

"Mar...t..." at least everyone in the room was tolerating the talents of an eight year old.

"Uh..."

"You can do it. Come on," while silently encouraging Natalia to do the same.

~/\~

Natalia had spent the last five minutes searching through every drawer and cupboard in hopes that there was something, anything she could use to produce a meal. When her efforts had her looking through the fridge again she had to take a step back and rethink, "Okay. Stop. There's nothing. They're all... just empty. There's... there's no vodka, there's no olives. There's no glasses! There's no food!"

Clearly the rethink wasn't helping. She was about to give in to despair when her cell phone rang, seeing who was calling she quickly answered, "Hey, how fast can you make a delivery?"

"Well, that's not good! The people from China don't like your cooking?"

Natalia could feel a sense of calm at hearing Buzz's fatherly tones over her cell, she scoffed, "Oh, cooking- what cooking? There's no food! I have a house full of guests..." She stopped, the penny beginning to drop, "hey, wait a minute. I told you that the dinner was supposed to be tomorrow night. You... you're the one who told Decker the dinner was going to be tonight?"

"Guilty."

Natalia felt betrayed, why would Buzz do this to her, "Have I missed too many shifts? Is that the reason why you're trying to get me fired by Olivia?"

"Well, I... we don't want you to get fired, no. We just want you to be the real you. You know, like Frank said, that's all you need to impress people."

"What do you... Frank, what do you... okay, the real me is not a magician," her frustration was growing again.

"Oh, and the olives are in the cooler."

"What cooler?"

"On the doorstep. You've got all there you really need to shine."

What? Wondering if she was caught up in some weird role-playing mystery where clues were given out at allotted times and therefore you spent most of the time not really having a clue what was going on, she closed the phone and headed to the door, sincerely hoping the caller was right.

~/\~

Meanwhile, Olivia was in the lounge, with Emma and the spelling bee.

"N..."

"You can do it."

"...N..."

"She's not... that's not... she not saying two N's. She's repeating the first N, because she does that sometimes when she doesn't know what's next," the Xiao's nodded their understanding and smiled. "Go ahead, honey. Come on, honey, sound it out."

Emma concentrated, "Mar...ti..ni," Olivia waited, it had been a long road but they were nearly there. She encouraged with her eyes again as Emma finally decided on, "...n... I!"

Olivia cheered and couldn't contain her motherly pride as she squealed in a rather high pitch, "Oh, that's it! Oh, that's my girl! That was fantastic!"

"Yes, almost as good as drinking one," Decker drolly observed.

Knowing time was running out on their ruse, Olivia encouraged again, "Good girl!"

~/\~

Natalia had been amazed to discover an enormous cardboard box on the doorstep, so large she had to drag it into the kitchen as she couldn't lift it. Peeling back the flaps to look inside she was delighted to discover a selection of cooking implements, food and drink.

Now she had something to work with, Natalia set to work.

~/\~

It was bad of her she knew but Olivia was confident for all of Decker's snide comments nobody was going to be rude to, or in the presence of, a little girl. Therefore, when Emma volunteered to show off her gymnastic abilities, Olivia was hard-pressed to say no.

Emma stepped to the far end of the room and launched herself into a cartwheel, planting her feet together as she finished, hands raised and completing a perfect practiced stance. Her audience applauded and Mrs. Xiao enthused, "Oh, wow! Oh, my gosh. She is just adorable!"

Olivia beamed, "Thank you. I usually don't have her perform like this but I know how important family is to Galaxy. In fact, I was thinking that maybe Emma could be in one of your commercials."

"Really? You thought that?" Decker was not being so easily won over.

"It's hard to believe she's only taken one class." Mrs. Xiao commented.

Olivia laughed and hugged Emma to her, aware that Decker was losing his patience beside her and willed Natalia to hurry up.

"You did great, baby." She hugged Emma again and knew she had to take control of the evening before Decker made the decision to leave, "I have to be honest. Um, I love representing Galaxy hotels. I mean, it's not just a job for me, it's... I really, genuinely like the company. But beyond that, it's given me a way of living again, you know, where I don't have to sacrifice time with my daughter and…" unsure whether she was winning them over, she was certainly saying all the right things but maybe she should tell them the truth, "…as much as I love it..."

Mr. Xiao interrupted her, "Excuse me for interrupting. What is that wonderful smell?"

"I smell it too," Decker agreed.

"Chicken and rice!" Emma informed causing all the adults in the room to look at her.

Olivia could smell it now.

"So sorry for the wait," Natalia walked into the room with a tray loaded with drinks, "I had to run out for some olives. Emma, could you bring in the cheese and crackers?"

Emma disappeared while Natalia handed out the martinis. It was then Olivia noticed they were each being given a glass jar.

Trust Decker to be the one to comment on it, "I, uh... the... the glasses, I assume, are a family tradition?"

Natalia, proving her quick thinking once again provided, "When you grow up without, it's easy to think that something like a fancy glass will make your life better. And then you realize that a glass is a glass. It's what you put in the glass that counts."

And apparently what was in the glass was just what Decker wanted, having taken a sip he approved, "My God, this is fantastic!"

"Thank you. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. Um, nothing extravagant. When you told Olivia that you wanted a home-cooked meal, she knew that chicken and rice would be nice and simple, perfect." Natalia looked at Olivia unable to resist the following untruth, "And it's been a family tradition for generations."

Olivia smiled relieved on so many levels, Natalia had come through for them again and none too soon, here at last was someone else to keep the conversational ball rolling.

"I like the way you think, Olivia," Mr Xiao spoke up, "I'm a self-made man... we prefer simple."

"Olivia was just telling me that the other day, the reason why she loves your hotels so much," Natalia glanced briefly at Olivia before sincerely continuing, "they're elegant and beautiful, but then there are all of those little touches. You know, the simple things that a lot of people forget, but those are the things that make you feel so at home when you're very far away."

"This is all her," Mr Xiao indicated his wife.

"Thank you for noticing," his wife accepted the praise.

Olivia was humbled, not something she was used to very often. She was also glad she was sitting down because the last forty-five minutes or so had been truly seat of the pants and she wanted nothing more than to lie down again.

"I'd like to propose a toast to this," Decker tipped his jar to Olivia, "truly amazing woman."

"Here, here," they sounded and clinked jars.

As Natalia bent to reach Olivia's, Olivia held her eyes and with meaning said, "I'll drink to that."

Natalia had truly done it again.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 6th October 2008 and can be viewed at: .com/watch?v=4ZiwvI7zhpw and part 2:.com/watch?v=n_4ih1-2tIQ...feature=related with thanks to Solari111 for the clips.

Main story taken from episode 14th November 2008


	12. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 12**

The evening had gone phenomenally well and finally, at what was a very late hour, their guests were planning to leave. They all stood huddled toward the door saying their goodnights and thank-you's.

"It's been delightful," Mrs. Xiao said.

"I'm so glad," Olivia shook her hand, "Thank you for coming."

"Perfectly lovely evening. Thank you so much," Mr. Xiao reiterated.

"Good night."

"Good night," Olivia echoed, the Xiao's really were a charming, unassuming couple.

As they left, Decker hung back to take Olivia by her upper arms and gain her full attention, "I have traveled with the Xiao's to more countries than I can remember," he told her. "I have never seen them this happy."

Olivia's relief was running parallel to her desire to keel over, "Oh, I'm so glad!"

"Thank you," he said earnestly.

"Thank you. Get home safe."

Olivia closed the door behind him and turned back to a delighted Natalia who stood with both hands covering her mouth to hold in the sheer joy of what they had accomplished and together they laughed out loud, relieved.

Olivia stumbled over to the couch. "If I am this tired, you must be exhausted!" she said as she fell back, dubious whether she could move again at the moment if she tried.

"Not really," Natalia was still riding the high, "I actually had a great time." Even still, she joined Olivia in sitting and looked over at her, "Are you okay?" She had noticed Olivia paling as she turned from the door and the confession of how tired she was only heightened her growing concern. It had been a long evening, a long day actually and coupled with the exploits of the previous day, Natalia considered Olivia's tiredness to be an understatement.

"I'm okay. I just need to rest." Even though it was an acknowledgement of sorts she feared it was more than rest she needed and not wanting to consider how she had made it through the evening feeling as she did, Olivia waved her off and asked the question she had wanted to ask all night. "Where did you get the food?"

Not convinced but willing to let it drop for the moment, Natalia answered enigmatically, "Oh, I had some help from an angel."

"Oh? I don't believe in angels," _not entirely true_ she thought as she looked over at her personal angel, "but I do believe in that meal." Olivia's eyes closed in happy remembrance, "Gosh, don't forget that Mrs. Xiao wants the recipe for your flan."

"I know!" Natalia giggled, "She likes 'simple' things."

They shared a smile, both relaxing now, two friends casually enjoying the after party analysis, picking away at the highs and lows of the evening.

As the silence deepened, Olivia looked thoughtful. She was ruminating on some of the things Natalia had said and done to make this dinner so successful and she was suddenly consumed with a need to really connect, to make Natalia understand something Olivia had considered before but never said out loud; about how they really weren't that different. "You know," she began, gaining Natalia's full attention, "I know when you were telling them about this food and the glasses and going without, you were talking about yourself. But, you know, I was poor too."

It was an interesting confession and one which had never really crossed Natalia's mind. To her, Olivia was this business savvy, worldly-wise woman who had her empire, her wealth and moved in very different circles to those Natalia generally mixed with. She had never once considered where Olivia started from although she knew she grew up on an island and was fascinated enough to want to know more. Looking over at the elegant woman flopped out on the couch, clearly struggling to keep her eyes open she found herself once again viewing Olivia with a very different eye, "I didn't know that."

Olivia nodded then seemed to rouse herself as a thought struck her, "Emma, I better go check on her."

"Oh my gosh," Natalia suddenly laughed again, "Your face when Mrs. Xiao pointed out Emma had fallen asleep."

Olivia snorted then joined in, "I know. I just froze. I guess I stupidly hadn't considered how late the evening would get and that Emma wouldn't know to go up to one of the rooms, I mean, it's not like one of them is hers is it?"

Natalia shook her head remembering, "Poor mite," she hesitated before admitting, "then I was worried you were going to attempt to carry her up there by yourself." She could recall all too clearly trudging behind Olivia as the traumatized woman demonstrated an almost superhuman effort in carrying her daughter to the cabin after their terrifying plunge in the river and she had no intention of allowing Olivia, worn out as she was now, to put herself through any further strain.

Olivia had wanted to carry her child to bed and it both frustrated and upset her that due to her heart condition she was supposed to avoid any heavy lifting. She considered Natalia's almost shy admission and was struck once again by how seamlessly Natalia had stepped in, intuitively picking up on Olivia's distress and dilemma, to volunteer to take Emma for her. "Well, thankfully I had you."

Noting the sincerity in Olivia's tone Natalia lowered her eyes in humble acknowledgement. Pleased but vaguely embarrassed she decided, although they were finally in a position to just talk, now was not the time and the best thing to do was to clear things away and then get Olivia home before it got any later, "Okay, you, um... sit and rest here for a minute. I'm just going to clean up a bit and then I'll get Emma together and I'll take you guys home."

Olivia sighed a relieved, "Thanks," and put her feet up. The evening was beginning to catch up with her and now the adrenaline rush of having to play host and be the picture of health was wearing off she could feel her headache returning full force. She was utterly drained and pathetically grateful Natalia was so willing to clear the dinner things away, if a little guilty she was leaving the younger woman to do all the work.

She watched Natalia leave and settled back, pushing back against the cushions and admiring the rustic hominess of the room. It wasn't the standard she was used to but there was something comforting and restful about the place that it wasn't long before Olivia finally gave in to her body's instincts, closed her eyes and fell asleep.

~/\~

Natalia was buzzing, she felt so alive and happy, yes, actually happy she decided, in a way she hadn't felt for some time. After crossing the initial hurdle of no food the evening had gone better than she could have ever imagined and despite her increasing concern Olivia was overdoing it again Natalia couldn't stop beaming.

Her cell phone rang.

"So?" came the gravelly masculine tone.

Natalia's face held a look of consternation as she identified the caller and said, "So, I don't know if I should thank you or never speak to you again."

Buzz chuckled, "Well, I take it that means you didn't get fired?"

"No," she admitted, "They loved it." Her dimples flashed briefly, "But did it ever occur to you that maybe being me might be a disaster?"

"No, no. Not to me, not to Frank- neither one of us."

It appeared to be an evening of compliments and Natalia was unsure how to respond to them all. Choosing an easier option she advised with a vaguely threatening undertone, "I will see you tomorrow," hung up the phone, rolled up her sleeves and settled into the easy rhythm of washing dishes.

~/\~

_Her thoughts were muddled. _

_Her brain slipping from distinct, sharp clarity to stodgy, mired lethargy; everything slowed down, lost focus._

_She knew only something was missing, something was out of place and with a certainty borne of sheer terror she knew she had never felt this abandoned and alone._

_But that wasn't right, because she wasn't alone._

_Creeping around the back of her skull was a sense of dread and foreboding, she wanted to turn round, look over her shoulder; run._

_Her mouth was dry._

_Mistake._

_This was all a mistake, it had to be._

_Or had she made a mistake; her thoughts were wavering again._

_She could hear something, her mind grasped at it, chewed on it trying to distinguish the source._

_Music?_

_She smelt alcohol, all senses starting to come alive as she internally screamed to shut down, withdraw._

"Go on, run! Save yourself!"

_She wanted to follow the advice, take action but the voice was sneering, was it wrong to do as it suggested?_

_She was confused. _

_Scared._

_The familiar sensation of being held in place assaulted her._

_She smelt smoke._

_She wanted to gag and her stomach turned._

_She couldn't be here; she felt like she was falling, straddling a chasm that threatened to destroy her and there was no escape._

_A feeling of loss overwhelmed her and she lost her grip, screaming into the void as she fell._

~/\~

Natalia was wiping her hands and contemplating which items to pack away first. She had been distracted as she washed up by the feeling of serenity the kitchen gave her and feeling a little foolish, caressed the counter as she indulged her fantasy that this was _her_ kitchen. Everything was where she would want it to be, making the routine of preparing a meal an effortless joy; she would love to try out the oven for baking.

It was certainly a far cry from the constantly in need of repair cooker or hotplate she and Rafe had often resorted to.

Her thoughts turned to her son, he would love this place, it had character like a real home and that was something she wanted for him so badly. She questioned her decision to sell Gus' house again as she remembered.

* * *

><p><em>Natalia really didn't know what to make of the woman. After her verbal attack on the warden at Rafe's prison seemed to fall on deaf ears, Olivia had refused to give up and using her contacts and pull finagled a meeting with the Governor. The Governor! It seemed she was determined to ensure Rafe's safety and all he wanted in return was her house.<em>

_At least that's what Natalia thought Olivia had said and so she was in a slightly distressed state as they met on the path up to Gus' house. She was still trying to understand what on earth Olivia was going on about as Olivia grabbed her arm and pointed with her handbag in the general direction off to the left of the building._

"_What's that over there?" she asked._

"_A tree."_

_The answer seemed to frustrate the older woman with its simplicity and she gesticulated, "It's the interstate, okay? And this developer who has the Governor in his back pocket needs to build an office park over here," Natalia was listening intently as Olivia continued although she appeared to lose confidence as she went on to explain, "which means he needs this area for an exit ramp."_

_It was starting to sink in what she was being told, "Not..." Natalia waved in the general direction of her house._

"_Yeah," Olivia confirmed rubbing her neck in that fashion she employed when she wasn't overly comfortable with what she was saying._

As well she shouldn't be_ Natalia thought as she put the pieces together, "Here? Like right here? Like, in the middle of my living room."_

"_It will go nicely with your decor." _

_Natalia couldn't believe it, how could Olivia be joking about this, "No, no way!"_

"_Okay, listen to me," Natalia couldn't, she had heard enough and wanted to walk away but Olivia grabbed her arm again demanding, "Listen to me! Okay? The Governor is a fair and practical man."_

That may be so but,_ "I love this house."_

"_You're going to love the deal."_

"_I'm not going to love the deal."_

"_You need to listen to me!"_

_Olivia's emphatic appeal had Natalia closing her mouth in reaction. Finger wagging as she lay down some home truths Olivia continued, "Politicians don't come along and just take people's houses and not give something back, okay? He's going to give you the purchase price above market value for this house, okay?"_

_Natalia wasn't sure she wanted to hear any more, didn't Olivia get it? It wasn't about the money; this was her house, _Gus'_ house._

_Olivia wasn't finished, "But more importantly, he's going to get Rafe out of that hell hole and into a prison that's going to seem like a country club. A place where they send accountants and people like me who cheat a little bit on their taxes but the point is he'll be safe. Or at least safer. It's what you want, right?"_

_Natalia was stunned. Olivia really seemed to have joined the cause of both supporting her and protecting Rafe but worryingly she was also working herself up to a point of breathlessness. Natalia wanted her son safe, of course she did but she was unsure how she felt about Rafe being used to appeal to her. She found herself incapable of a response and her silence was interpreted as indecision._

"_I know it isn't easy to give this up but this is… this is your son we're talking about. Natalia," Olivia turned back to look at the building before them, "this is a house."_

_She thought of all people Olivia would understand, "This is Gus' house," she stated and walked away, Olivia eventually following behind. _

_Natalia needed to see the house, to be within it and be close to Gus. She made her way upstairs and entered Rafe's room, or the room that would eventually be Rafe's. It was currently empty except for a few boxes and the calendar she religiously marked every day, counting down the days until her son's release._

_Looking about, unable to deal with the demands being made of her she decided to cover her agitation by grabbing a broom and starting to sweep, the steady swish-swish soothing in its action. She had just begun her attack on the floor when Olivia finally caught up to her._

"_Look, I know that Gus bought this place for you but you never stayed here together. Maybe you could focus on that."_

_She stopped sweeping, "Rafe and I lived in an apartment our entire lives. I'm talking broken toilets, I'm talking leaky roofs." Why was she even bothering? How could this woman of wealth and position possibly know what living like that was like? She couldn't, "You don't understand."_

"_I'm not some insensitive idiot. I know what this place means to you."_

_Natalia stopped her, "You can't."_

_They had reached an impasse. Natalia looked away shaking her head while Olivia stood rubbing her neck in thought before obviously coming to the decision to confess, "I tried to talk him out of it."_

_Natalia looked at her, still hopeful this statement was going to lead somewhere, anywhere other than where it was inevitably heading._

"_The Governor," Olivia confirmed, "when he brought this up I suggested some other alternatives but you know what? Maybe this is just..."_

_When Olivia faltered Natalia asked, "This is just what? This is fate?" She couldn't believe Olivia was suggesting this, "Fate that I have to give up the one thing that my son's father really wanted him to have. You know, I had a plan, I had a lawyer and I was going to get him somewhere safer eventually, I was, and then he was going to have this place. His own place for the first time and he was going to have a fence and a yard and there weren't going to be drug dealers on the corner."_

_She was upset now and Olivia had the grace to look away, to look down before making Natalia face reality again by asking, "How long do you think that would have taken? Two months? Two years?"_

"_Maybe," she didn't want to say it but it was truth. _

"_So you're agreeing with me?"_

"_Yes I'm agreeing with you," she was getting angry now more so as she was forced to admit, "because you're right."_

_Annoyingly the more upset and angry she became, the calmer and more reasoned Olivia became, "Fine, what do you want to do?"_

_She didn't know how to answer that. There was the very practical side of her knowing the sensible thing to do was to sell but the emotional side of her, the side still hanging onto her childish dream of a home for her family, made her walk away unable to answer. She stared out the window, her mind swimming with missed opportunities, possibilities and dreams. Olivia joined her, apparently her time for contemplation was up and the older woman who a moment ago was talking about the vagaries of fate was now peddling the harsh, sad reality, "Life is short, you have to make choices."_

"_There is no choice!" Had she really ever had the right to choose? Maybe Olivia was right the first time. Her anger needing a direction aimed at the only target in the room, "And I really hate that you're making me do this."_

_Natalia sensed Olivia moving towards her, _is she going to hug me? Is she just trying to calm me down? I don't want to calm down damn it!_ She shoved Olivia away needing distance, needing to leave, to have a chance to think; she wanted to run._

_She moved purposefully toward the door, an insistent Olivia calling after her, "You have to sign pa..." but her voice trailed off as Natalia turned back to weakly finish, "the papers!"_

_Feeling oddly trapped in a house she was fighting to keep she attempted to put things back into perspective and informed the woman who was at this moment both friend and foe, "I need to see my son and I'm late."_

_She left Olivia by the window in the house she had at one time wanted to buy off her and she wondered why it was everyone wanted her house? _Maybe I was never really meant to ever have it_. No, she couldn't keep thinking that way, she would go see Rafe, talk with him it was his house too._

_Arriving at the prison she waited a long time only for a guard to come and advise her her son was in the infirmary. When she inquired why and wanted to know what happened he merely fobbed her off with a dismissive, 'it's only a staph infection'._

_She was horrified, a staph infection? People died from that. Bad enough her son was in jail but to somehow contract an infection of that nature, it was too much, she needed to see him, she had a right to see him; she was his mother!_

_Not too proud to beg for her son, the guard simply quoted rules at her and as apologetic as he was, Natalia had had enough. She grabbed her bag and left, angry, worried, disappointed and feeling very alone._

_Unsure where to go or who to talk to she found her way back to the house. It was a relief of sorts to find Olivia still there when she arrived, talking on her cell phone. She heard her say something about building a new expressway before she must have realized Natalia had returned and then, promising to call the person back, she hung up and turned to regard her._

_Natalia didn't have to wait long before Olivia surprised her again by admitting, "I'm sorry, I know I stuck my nose in where it doesn't belong, I…" she ran out of words._

_Weirdly comforted by Olivia's presence and apology Natalia conceded, "That's what makes you, you." _

_There shared a moment acknowledging their respective roles before Natalia made her decision, "Can um… you get the Governor back and tell him I'll take the deal." She wasn't sure but Olivia was smiling and Natalia hadn't even finished yet, "But I want some guarantees." She had given this some thought, "No delays, no red tape. And Rafe is sick, he's got a staph infection, I want a doctor that's going to be able to take care of that before he's transferred. I want a review of his sentence in five months. And I want it all in writing."_

_Olivia smiled openly now, "Okay, I think that can be arranged." _

_She nodded, she had done it, she had made the deal, made her demands and by all indications it was going to happen. If she couldn't work the system by doing everything she was supposed to do, she would finally use the opportunities laid in front of her and make _them_ work for her. She just had one small wish, "And I really want to be a little bit more like you sometimes." They both laughed, the tension easing, "Make it a little easier."_

"_Actually," Olivia corrected, "it just makes things a lot harder."_

_For once, Natalia let Olivia's self-deprecating attempt at humor slide and instead voiced the question which had been rumbling around her brain since she had met with her earlier, "And I really, really want to know how I'm supposed to say good-bye to this house." She could feel her lip trembling again, the tears threatening near the surface and she wished Olivia would attempt to 'calm' her as she had tried to earlier._

"_You want to know how to say good-bye to Gus," Olivia countered, "For the record, so do I."_

_Natalia felt vindicated in knowing she was right, Olivia _did_ understand._

_Having made her decision Natalia took some time to stroll around the house leaving Olivia to make the necessary calls. She was sat in the window seat looking out at the view when Olivia entered the room, she heard her saying, "Okay, fax it to my office, I'll be there in about ten minutes. Thanks," and then she was there confirming to her, "So you got everything you wanted and it's in writing."_

_Natalia smiled in understanding, her wander around had given her time to reflect and realize, "I can't say there are a lot of memories here, just dreams."_

"_Still have your dreams," Olivia pointed out._

_Natalia wasn't so sure at the moment and felt consumed with sadness that she was letting go of something else that had meant so much but was never given the chance to be made 'real'. Was that it? Did she just walk away? She looked up at Olivia, struck once again by their intangible connection and asked, "So we just... we just leave here?"_

"_That's pretty much it."_

"_Okay, well, then I guess it's time to go."_

_Standing, she impulsively reached for Olivia's hand understanding she wasn't the only one saying farewell to another piece of Gus. They stood on the doorstep, Natalia looking around one last time, "This is it, then." Sighing heavily she walked over to the mailbox, the lettering clearly spelling out 'Aitoro' and placing her hand against its side she said, "Good-bye, Nicky, I love you."_

_With that they both walked away going only a couple of steps before Olivia stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, "Wait a minute I forgot something." She dashed back inside._

_Natalia waited, turning back to address the house and the world at large out loud, "It's okay. It's for our son. It's the right thing." Whether she was expecting an answer or approval she kept her gaze on the house of 'might have been' until Olivia appeared again._

"_Here," she said handing her the calendar she had so diligently marked._

_They both chuckled, the laughter relieving the somberness of the occasion. "Thank you," Natalia said, truly grateful for the thoughtfulness of this woman who had clearly retrieved the calendar at a pace she shouldn't have if the gasps of breath were any indication._

_Together they looked up at the house one final time until Olivia reassured, "It's going to be okay. Come on."_

* * *

><p>And in many ways it had been, sure, she hadn't decided what to do with the money from the sale yet and a place like this farmhouse was something she could only dream of but one day, she would provide for her son the way she always wanted to.<p>

Aware time was marching on and she still needed to drive Olivia and Emma back to the Beacon, there was no way she was going to let Olivia drive in the condition she was in, Natalia carefully packed the pans and plates back into the box with the idea of splitting the heavier items up into her decorations box so she could manage them all.

She had just completed the first box when she heard a noise resembling a muted scream coming from the lounge and abruptly left her packing to check on the inevitable source… Olivia.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 10th Nov 08 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=yARIRpEn7t8 with thanks to xamanthe for the clip


	13. Chapter 13

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 13**

"Olivia?" She crossed the lounge to kneel before the woman currently sat with her elbows braced on her knees and her head in her hands. "What is it? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Natalia's concern magnified at the lack of response and needing to see her face raised her hand to gently prize away Olivia's. Before her fingers made contact, Olivia slid her hands away and jerked backward as if startled to find Natalia there and so close.

Natalia noticed reddened, tear-filled eyes and was unsure after her experience the previous evening how best to proceed. Rather than wait as she had before, she decided to take the initiative, "What happened?" Olivia studied her but said nothing. Taking this as a sign to continue Natalia queried, "Was it the nightmare again?"

Olivia flinched, rubbed at her eyes and looked away. She was trying very hard not to react and unleash her irrational anger at the patient woman who had spent the evening covering her ass so her employer would remain totally unaware of how messed up she was but it was taking a while to regain her equilibrium after the dizzying events of her dream and she needed her space.

"Could you just," she raised her hands up palms showing, "give me a minute and back off."

Olivia couldn't deal with the hurt look Natalia failed to hide as she sat back to honour Olivia's request.

"Thank you, I just…" she was feeling nauseous. The last thing she wanted was to be sick but there was the strange taste of smoky alcohol burning at the back of her throat.

Natalia was upset she was being pushed away again but considered she understood probably more than most how unpredictable Olivia could be when pulled from sleep, especially after a nightmare. Then she saw the already pale woman turn greenish, watched as her body hitched and recalled with all too vivid clarity when Olivia had been ill before, "Are you going to…?"

She didn't finish the question; Olivia had clamped her jaw shut and was vigorously shaking her head as she tried to hold back on revealing the contents of her stomach.

"Let me get some water," she offered, wondering if she should bring a bowl and some towels back with her as well. She then stood, smiling sympathetically and hurried off to unpack one of the jars.

Olivia was battling with swallowing back the bile that threatened to make itself known and trying to control her breathing. She couldn't be ill again, she knew she was running on her last reserves of energy but she simply refused to be ill again. Her stomach twisted once more and she found herself flashing hot while cold sweat crept over her body.

Natalia soon returned with a jar of water in her hand and encouraged, "Here, drink some of this."

Olivia thankfully took the jar and sipped at the contents.

Observing the faint tremors as Olivia grasped the jar in a two handed grip and the slight sheet on perspiration that hadn't been there earlier Natalia's thoughts tumbled from her lips. "I don't think you should travel this evening."

Olivia looked almost as stunned as Natalia did having blurted out what she was thinking. In response, Olivia raised an eyebrow and the younger woman went on to explain, "Look, you're obviously not feeling well." Olivia neither confirmed or denied, her appearance saying all. "There are beds upstairs, Emma is already settled and it's late."

Olivia, having momentarily gained mastery over her digestive tract, went to speak when Natalia, clearly feeling her argument was inadequate continued, "I'm worried about you and maybe, just maybe," she was losing confidence, "I can help you, like at the cabin."

Olivia wasn't daft, hadn't she been looking for an opportunity to spend some time with Natalia again, to recapture what they had developing between them when they went away? But this wasn't really how she wanted it to be, was it? Her head was screaming at her, literally and figuratively, this would be a bad decision, collect Emma, get in the car and go home. Her heart… her heart was whispering soothingly in her ear, a surprisingly steady repetition of 'stay' that promised peace, understanding and her longed for place of refuge. How could she really say no?

_Let's face it; you're too tired to move and you don't want to go anywhere. _Olivia closed her eyes, the list of pros and cons fading into insignificance the moment she saw Natalia's hopeful face imprinted on her mind's eye.

She gave up all pretenses at resistance and nodded her surrender.

To Natalia it was as if her heart started beating again having subconsciously holding her breath pending Olivia's decision. Truthfully, Natalia did not want to leave just yet, she loved this old farmhouse and convincing Olivia to stay here the night only enhanced its positive vibe. It was so much more than that though, she had said she was worried and she was, very worried. Olivia had been stunning this evening, funny and charming but at times mutely humbled, Natalia didn't know how she knew but walls were coming down and whether this was the result of illness, tiredness, something else or all of the above, Natalia wanted to help her, needed to help her and for the moment, she considered her help would be enough.

Having secured the agreement, Natalia set about taking care of her charge.

Olivia had yet to open her eyes again and Natalia feared she was going to fall asleep or pass out on the couch. With a bit of coaxing and a sturdy shoulder to lean on she was sure she could make her more comfortable on one of the beds upstairs. Earlier, when she had rescued Olivia from suspicion by taking a sleeping Emma to put her to bed, Natalia had taken advantage of the time to explore the previously unseen upper floor.

There were three main bedrooms with a fourth, smaller room which looked to have served various functions over time, the last being a home office. The larger bedroom had an en suite and there was also a communal bathroom further along the landing. All the bedrooms, like the majority of the house had been left furnished and although the kitchen had been devoid of any useful implements, Natalia had been relieved to find the beds were adequately adorned with quilts and pillows if no actual linen.

She had placed Emma in the smaller room to the front of the house, the little girl completely unaware as Natalia laid her limp body down on the bed, before conducting a swift tour. Unable to resist having a quick nose around she had discovered a linen closet with sufficient linen to make up the beds.

"Hey," she gently rubbed the knee before her, "let me go sort out upstairs and then you can settle down for the night. How does that sound?"

Olivia had almost jumped when Natalia spoke, she was caught in limbo again between just wanting to fall asleep and fear at the prospect of doing so. Her stomach had calmed down and she could very easily have just curled up on the couch. In fact, "I could just stay here," she half mumbled.

"Oh no, you'd regret that come the morning, trust me."

She would?

"I'll be back; do you need anything while I'm gone?"

Did she? She didn't think so; she just wanted to lie down. Shaking her head she smiled her thanks.

"Right, okay. I won't be long."

Natalia stood and Olivia heard her climbing the stairs. Thinking the cushions seemed comfy she let herself tilt onto her side and waited, hopeful that maybe this time the dream wouldn't come.

~/\~

Being a skilled housekeeper, Natalia made the bed in record time. She decided to make Olivia's, get her settled first then sort her own bed out once Olivia was asleep and resting. Returning to the lounge she saw Olivia had taken full ownership of the couch and crouched down near her head to shake her by the shoulder, "Olivia, time to go."

Olivia had not been fully asleep, however weary she was, she was also wary of the dream. She hoisted herself up with Natalia's help and together they climbed the stairs. Uncertain which room she was in, she paused at the top until Natalia indicated, "This way," and they turned right into a decent sized room with a beautifully made queen-sized bed crying out to be slept in.

If she had been alone, Olivia would have walked toward it and dropped onto it facedown to remain there until morning but she wasn't alone.

Natalia offered to help her out of her jacket then stood nervously near the door for once, uncharacteristically uncertain about where the boundaries between them lay, "Will you be okay? Can you manage alright?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, I'll be fine."

Natalia thought she looked lost.

"Um…" Olivia was forgetting something; there was something very important she had to do if she could just corral her thoughts… "Emma, I need to check on Emma."

Truthfully, Natalia was surprised Olivia hadn't asked earlier. She could see the older woman was close to collapse but remembering how determined Olivia could be when it came to her daughter, especially when they were at the cabin after Emma's incident, decided it made sense to go along with her and not prolong the issue. "Of course," she laid the jacket to one side and tentatively reached to take hold of Olivia's arm to steer her and offer support, "come on, this way."

Pleased her actions had not caused the other woman to flinch or bat her arms away, they made their way across the landing together and in an eerie déjà vu both stood in the doorway to Emma's room watching the little girl sleep.

Thinking maybe she had taken Olivia's comments too personally and unable to withhold her caring nature, Natalia instinctively placed her hand on Olivia's back; her fingers splayed over tense cotton covered flesh and she was momentarily distracted as she remembered her impromptu massage of the night before.

Olivia turned to her, "I love my little girl," she smiled, "but I really think I should go to bed."

It was an admission which sent alarm bells ringing.

Natalia slid her hand from Olivia's back which was practically vibrating now, round to her side to offer support. Olivia, one arm using the wall and the other wrapped around Natalia's shoulders, concentrated on remaining upright as they stumble shuffled back to her room.

Allowing Olivia to sit on the bed, Natalia stepped back again uncertain, the cause of her reluctance the reminder of Olivia requesting some space and that she back off; she would let Olivia lead here, up to a point.

For Olivia, the walk across the landing was like entering a funhouse, the walls were walking and the floor was fluctuating wildly. Sitting on the edge of the bed she was very glad she hadn't insisted on returning to the Beacon, in all honesty, the way she was feeling she wouldn't want to be alone or be in a position where she could potentially frighten her daughter.

Now if the room would stop spinning she might be able to lean forward to take off her shoes.

As if realizing her dilemma, Natalia leapt into action again and bent down to remove her shoes, "Let me get them."

"You always seem to be doing that?"

"What? Taking off your shoes?" Natalia turned to place them out of the way in case Olivia got up in the night and then turned back saying, "I've noticed that."

"No," Olivia said, "saving me."

Natalia stilled.

_Always catching me, always saving me._ Olivia's memory drifted. She had died, her heart had stopped yet somehow she had still heard Natalia's desperate pleas to never give up, not on her daughters and not on her.

* * *

><p><em>It had been a confusing and scary couple of days and trying to make sense of it all, to fit together all the pieces in her mind of how she was going to deal with her condition while meeting the demands of the life she was choosing to lead despite it, was proving wearisome and complicated.<em>

_What was currently whirring away in her mind and causing unnecessary consternation was how it _shouldn't _be complicated because there was an obvious solution, a glaringly obvious solution that had presented itself time and time again in the form of one Natalia Rivera._

_Lord knew she hadn't been able to shake the woman from the moment she was diagnosed and began pursuing Gus but what Olivia had only recently discovered was how amazingly competent Natalia was and how perfectly in synch with her she appeared to be. Olivia could not recall anyone who had matched her or balanced her the way Natalia did and it intrigued her no end._

_From the moment the younger woman stepped in as her erstwhile personal assistant to cover for her during the photo shoot Natalia had proven on several occasions she could be relied upon. Supporting Olivia, literally and figuratively when Olivia had to pack for a trip to China, staying with her after finally convincing her she needed to go to the hospital… and in Olivia's heart of transplanted heart she knew, even though she had spewed out her anger and grief at her in an unwarranted attack, Natalia would not give up, would not back away and would still come when she called._

Why didn't she just take the job when I offered it to her? That damn stubborn pride…_ Olivia couldn't help taking it personally. She wasn't doing Natalia a favour, she was presenting an opportunity which would benefit the both of them._

_She reviewed her mental checklist again. _

_When Dr Rick had made what she considered an intrusive 'house-call' earlier in the day she had told him she just needed some time to sort a few things out so no one would notice when she was 'M.I.A.'. She had been determined in that regard because of how weird and 'nice and concerned' everyone had been to her when she was sick before. From her perspective it would be better if no one knew how much her health had deteriorated and so far only two people, besides Dr Rick, were aware of her condition. _

_Olivia smiled as she remembered joking with him about how Natalia only knew because she had an annoying habit of walking in on her when she was laid out, even as far back as the day of her initial diagnosis when Natalia had found her on the floor and Olivia had been convinced it was Phillip returning to exact revenge on her she realised. This then lead to her questioning why she hadn't taken her pass key away yet. When Dr Rick had said he thought they were friends, it had germinated the seed of realization that maybe they were, after all she trusted Natalia, needed her, for all her attitude to the contrary she enjoyed being with her and ultimately, she just couldn't take that key away. _

_Her eyes refocused on the meal in front of her._

_After Dr Rick's visit she had felt awful, run down and almost despairing of where she was going to get the energy to resolve the problems still confronting her. Even Emma's sweet efforts to cheer her up had only highlighted the things she might lose. _

_Attempting to consume her meal at Company before tackling the last piece of the puzzle and surrendering herself to Cedars, Olivia was shocked by the sudden slapping of a menu on the counter and the appearance of the object of her recent musings. _

_Natalia looked tired, sad and incredibly beautiful in her indignant fury, "Alright, I don't have time for your crap lady."_

_Unable to help herself and trying to recover from the shock of her latest observation Olivia joked, "Gee, the service here is terrible."_

_This seemed to have the undesired effect of fuelling Natalia's attack. She listened almost amused as Natalia tried to reason with her, felt her anger start to bubble as she made accusations regarding her daughter and then a sense of devastation as Natalia stated, "If you're not going to take care of yourself, really, then just die already because I have other things to worry about. And I'm done. I don't care whose heart you have."_

_Olivia had thought her heart had stopped until the feeling of overwhelming dismay and fear spurred the troubled organ to accelerate and race. It couldn't be true, it just couldn't. Olivia knew there was a lot going on in Natalia's life but it wasn't as if she had forced her problems on her… had she? _

_Disturbed the one person she needed more than she thought possible was actually walking away from her, Olivia stepped down from the stool at the bar, grabbed her bag and disregarding the warning signs set off in pursuit._

_By the time Olivia made it outside Natalia was almost at the top of the stairs to her room. Cursing herself for her breathlessness she called after her, "Are you really going to make a woman with a heart condition chase after you?"_

_Relieved when the younger woman paused in her escape and turned to confront her, Olivia grabbed onto the stair rail for support and attempted to reason with her. While she could accept Natalia may not always understand her sense of humour, Olivia refused to give up on the possibility they were friends and it surprised her how much it actually hurt to have Natalia define their relationship in terms of her employment status and knowledge of her health issues. Their connection was so much more than that and Olivia was convinced, Natalia knew that too. She had to, otherwise why was she so distressed about her 'messing around with her health'._

_The conversation was draining. Being as honest and sincere as she was capable of, Olivia sucked in a breath and tried to explain yet again how there were things she needed to take care of before she complied with doctor's orders. She was starting to feel dizzy again and if she could just get Natalia to say yes, she would gratefully go check herself in._

_Natalia seemed to study her before relinquishing her annoyance and offered to help look after Emma but Olivia had options when it came to looking after Emma, even if she knew Natalia could be one of them. No, Emma wasn't the issue._

"_Thank you. I don't need help with her. I need help with my other baby, Natalia, the Beacon."_

_Natalia appeared confused, "What about Cassie?"_

"_Cassie's going to cover some things but I need somebody physically there to represent me, you know, to protect my interests." Surely she could see how much faith and trust she was putting in her._

_Appearing defensive, Natalia crossed her arms, "You know, we talked about this before."_

"_I know, and… and," Olivia stuttered, she needed to word this very carefully because last time she had been misunderstood, "you thought you couldn't do it because of your pride, and you thought it was a handout..."_

"_No, actually, you stormed off before I could even answer you."_

_Olivia winced as she felt the familiar frustration start to build again as it always did whenever she tried to help this woman. Understanding how Natalia took very little for herself but how willing she could be in her desire to help others, Olivia changed tact, "Listen to me. This isn't a favor for you. I'm asking for me. I need help. I need you to help me, please."_

_It was as honest as she could be and waiting for Natalia to answer her was almost as painful as the ache she could feel sitting heavy in her chest._

_Her cell phone beeped and checking who the caller was Olivia smiled wistfully at Natalia, indicated to her to 'hold that thought' before turning away to answer the call. She listened to the shrill voice on the end of the line and as she made encouraging 'yes' and 'uh huh' sounds, Natalia descended the stairs behind her._

_Finally, having heard enough, Olivia sighed heavily and cut the other speaker off with an exasperated, "I__ told you, it's handled as in handled." She snapped her phone shut and waved it at Natalia as she instructed, "It's the Beacon wedding planner." Finding it hard to breathe again but wanting to offer some guidance and reassurance she continued, "She's a little high-strung. You have to be firm with her, okay?"_

"_If I take the job."_

_She couldn't believe this, "Just stop with the 'ifs'. Just say yes." _Please say yes, I don't think I can stand here much longer.

"_Well, you haven't heard my conditions yet."_

_Olivia smiled despite herself, "You have conditions?" She was struggling now and really didn't want to have to go another ten rounds over this._

"_Yes. You have to check yourself into Cedars _immediately._"_

_Natalia was so earnest about this and Olivia wasn't going to argue with her anyway, not while she was fighting the urge to keel over, "I think that's the whole idea."_

"_And… what about the staff, though? Because…" Olivia could see the doubt in Natalia's eyes as her concerns picked up steam, "I mean, I know the wedding planner, she knows me as a housekeeper. Everybody knows me as a housekeeper. So I'm… I'm supposed to be like their manager now, like their boss?"_

"_Okay, I'm the boss. I will sit them down, and I will tell them to listen to you."_

"_No! You're going to the hospital right now!" Natalia interrupted her, then as if realizing the position that would put her in lost confidence again to lamely state, "So I'll make it work… somehow... and hopefully..."_

_Olivia had had enough. _How on earth can the woman be so pushy and domineering when it comes to me and yet…

_Her pulse racing as her frustration pushed it into overdrive, Olivia ranted, "Oh, just grow a backbone. I mean, really, how can you stand there and lecture me about my life and fighting for it when you, you just roll over like a scared kitten." She was gasping now, her lungs seemingly inadequate to draw in the oxygen she needed but she was unwavering in her desire to push Natalia, to make her see what opportunities there were for her._

"_Why don't you take a chance?" she questioned. "This is a chance to improve your life, to improve your son's life, to help him." She was picking up speed; she had to get this out, ignoring her vision clouding at the edges, "So just say yes already. Or you know what? Say no, because I'll hire somebody else. I just need the help. I don't care anymore. I don't want to waste anymore of..."_

_A searing pain ran through her forcing her to close her eyes as she sucked in air. Her legs were unsteady and she reached back, her hands desperately searching for support._

"_What? What, what, what?" Natalia was reaching for her as she braced herself back against the chair, "What's the matter? Olivia, is it your heart?"_

_She couldn't speak; she was frozen, immobile and falling away from herself. Natalia's worried face blurry before her and her voice distant as if many miles away calling her name, "Olivia?"_

_Her vision tunneled. She was passing out, sliding from the chair only vaguely aware of Natalia's arms around her guiding her fall to the ground._

_It was bizarrely serene and her last thought as she let go of all her anger, frustration and pain was how fitting it was that Natalia had caught her as she fell and how much she had enjoyed that feeling of all too briefly being held._

* * *

><p>She had never asked Natalia about that moment and what happened when she collapsed, never had the courage to ask if what she thought she heard was true, perhaps because she dreaded it was all a fantasy her mind had created. The only thing she had queried was how Natalia had provided the method to bring her back to life.<p>

Olivia tried to focus. With her mind returning to the present she was half out of it but unconcerned, Natalia was here and when Natalia was here everything was better. She liked Natalia. She drifted again and attempted to pin her thoughts of how she was genuinely grateful this gracious, lovely woman was here and with some concentration finally managed, "And since you didn't let me say it before, thank you."

"You know, you should thank Buzz." Natalia stood and moved back to her place by the door.

Buzz? Was Natalia being deliberately obtuse? Could the woman not take a simple compliment?

"He was the angel," Natalia clarified.

_Angel? They had talked about angels earlier hadn't they? How come Buzz was one?_ Olivia was very confused, more now than before and that was saying something.

"And he's also the one that told Decker that the dinner was tonight."

Olivia was beginning to understand, except, "Why would he do that?"

"He said that my menu wasn't me and that I need to trust myself more."

"Oh," _they went through all that for a change of menu?_ "Remind me to smack him." She caught up to the rest of what Natalia said and considered, "Although it's good advice."

Natalia understood what Olivia was saying, she had gained a lot of confidence since working for her but even still, "That's scary,"

"You think I don't get scared, too?" Olivia wanted to say more but a yawn interrupted her, her eyes determined to close.

"Alright," Natalia acknowledged she knew Olivia got scared; whatever that dream was about it had sounded like Olivia was terrified but seeing the yawn Natalia advised, "So you should rest."

Olivia nodded again and Natalia wanted so much to hug the forlorn looking figure, drowsily trying to stay conscious, "I'll be down the hall if you need me. Good night."

Olivia had never wanted a hug so badly. When Natalia said she would be down the hall, the feeling of disappointment was almost so intense she nearly sobbed but maintaining her persona she merely responded, "Good night," and then she was alone, the room not nearly as inviting as it had initially appeared to be.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 21st Oct 08 and can be viewed at .com/watch?v=ipqEcsVjKY8 with thanks to borealis94 for the clip


	14. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 14**

Natalia bypassed her designated room and found herself going downstairs again, her inner voice berating her cowardly behavior. She couldn't understand why she had all but fled from Olivia's room and to say she was confused did not even begin to scratch the surface. It had been just over a week since their return from the cabin and here finally was an opportunity, partially self-constructed, to spend some time with the woman who seemed to be edging out all other thoughts and she was heading in the opposite direction.

Something about Olivia turned Natalia around, nothing was ever easy, nothing was ever straightforward or as it seemed and the way they could fight each other one minute and then work so flawlessly the next was as perplexing as it was satisfying. They could be yelling at each other to the point of anguish and then do something so unexpected and kind, looking out for each other or their children, that it was totally mystifying but Natalia recognized for all the push and pull they were connected and there was balance.

Currently though, she felt off balance, her thoughts in turmoil.

Natalia had watched over and out for Olivia for so long it had become second nature to her. She could identify nearly all of the little signals and ticks which gave away what Olivia was thinking or feeling but since the onset of this dream, whatever it was, it was as if a veil hung between them.

_So what is this dream about…_ she wondered and then thinking back considered, _and is it dream or is it memory? _

Natalia vividly recalled how she had handled Olivia in a fevered state before as she relived her past, at times _their_ past in an onslaught of recurring dreams, nightmares really and at the time, as hurtful as it had been, Natalia believed she had helped Olivia by giving her the reassurances she needed to allow herself to open up and trust.

Their professional relationship continued to flourish but since their return to Springfield, for all the progression they had made in their personal relationship, whenever the nightmare raised its ugly head again she had been pushed away, told to leave and back off.

Although this had never worked in the past as Natalia always felt she knew better and refused, there was something in Olivia's eyes, in her reaction that sparked a modicum of doubt in Natalia's mind. _Why? Why had Olivia said the things she'd said? Was she trying to provoke a reaction? Trying to push me away and distance herself to give the illusion of being in control again? She has to know it's not that easy, not now after so much has happened between us. Or is it that she was just being Olivia and saying what she was thinking out loud, regardless of how much it might hurt anyone else to hear it?_

Natalia let loose an exasperated sigh and shook her head as if the act could dispel her frustration and jostle her thoughts into some semblance of logical order. Finding her inner calm again and drawing on her very deep well of patience, Natalia reasoned the events of the previous night coupled with Olivia's observation of her need to mother someone served only to have her over thinking her actions and motivations which ultimately left her paralyzed to do anything.

She paused on her way through the lounge to close her eyes briefly; the flicker of frustration flaring again as her heart, her mind, her very soul screamed at her… her inaction was wrong.

Her instincts yelled Olivia needed her but now Natalia feared she had missed her opportunity and could see no way to retrace her steps, walk back into Olivia's room and start again.

Disgusted with herself Natalia reentered the kitchen and regarded the unfinished packing; she decided it could wait until tomorrow morning. She glanced at the clock, _this_ morning she corrected. Besides, if they were all staying over they might need some of the items for a breakfast of sorts, she might be able to cobble something together; they had coffee at least.

Switching off the kitchen light she entered the lounge and choosing to think about something other than Olivia for the moment, couldn't resist imagining what it would be like if this was her home. She pictured how her things would look, the convenient alcove where she could stand her books, the shelf she could place her statue of the Virgin Mary on and the wall space where she could hang her pictures and her cross. _I bet this place looks magical at Christmas._

She sat on the couch and allowed her thoughts free reign.

Unsurprisingly, Olivia edged her way into her musings and Natalia imagined her puttering around in the kitchen as she helped her clear away their dinner things while Emma played outside, pictured her in casual wear comfortably curled up on the couch after their home cooked meal and chatting over coffee on the porch like they had at the cabin.

She could have very easily soaked up the ambience of the farmhouse and allowed her thoughts to entertain her for probably the rest of the night but the evening was catching up with her and the energy from her earlier euphoria was wearing off.

Still undecided about why she had just left Olivia alone and a little frustrated she had done so, she was startled by a loud thud. She had been drowsy and starting to drift but the noise had her jumping in her seat, heart racing slightly as she was unable to determine the source and which direction it had come from.

Her first thought was there was somebody at the door. Scaring herself with thoughts of how isolated the farmhouse was and set away from the main road, she started to hold her breath at the possibility someone was trying to break in.

_Did we lock the door?_

She edged toward the window to peer out, dreading the prospect of seeing a face looking back at her.

_I'm being ridiculous _she thought as she balled her hands, gulped and then reached up to pull the curtain aside. _Maybe Decker or the Xiao's came back because they forgot something_.

Heart hammering she began to pull on the drape when she heard movement above her.

Her hand stilled and she listened intently.

Having located the direction of the noise her fear dwindled and her curiosity peaked. Moving away from the window, feeling slightly foolish for allowing her imagination to run wild, she cautiously but quickly ascended the stairs.

Reaching the top she peered around the landing, ears straining for any other noise. Not hearing anything, she pushed open the door to Olivia's room, the light from behind her cutting a slice into the darkness and revealing the bed, notably slept in but presently empty.

"Olivia?" she whispered into the apparently vacant room. Concerned, she switched on the light and entered, peering around the disordered bed; sure of what she was looking for but unsure what she would find.

Nothing. Olivia was not there.

She couldn't explain why, maybe because she had just spooked herself silly but Natalia was trying very hard not to panic. _Olivia couldn't have gone far_ she reasoned _maybe she had to go to the bathroom._

However, the door to the en suite was open and clearly unoccupied.

* * *

><p><em>Natalia opened the door to Olivia's suite and stopped in her tracks.<em>

_The bed had been slept in, the linen left half hanging off it and on the floor items lay discarded cluttering up the room in a way Natalia hadn't seen since Olivia was first out of surgery._

_From her place in the doorway she cast her eyes around the room to also notice an empty pill container on the bedside table and having paid witness to Olivia's state of mind when she was first released tried to ignore the potential implications and conclusions she was drawing with every new find, _

_Taking in the scene before her she drew in a worried breath before tamping down on her rising anxiety and calling out hopefully, "Olivia?"_

_No response._

_Only the previous day she had spoken with Olivia to try and gain some advice on how to deal with Alan and his attempts to lure Rafe into his little world, she was unhappy with the way he was trying to rearrange his life for him and she wanted him to stop. Now she was trying to return the favour by looking for Olivia so she could put Ava's mind at ease._

_When Olivia did not respond to her call she listened to her inner voice and it was yelling at her, "Something is wrong."_

_She had stated it quietly to herself needing to voice her nagging fear out loud and for a moment she sucked in her bottom lip trying to determine what to do next._

_Stepping into the room she fished in her handbag for her cell and called the one person she thought would most want to know and would be able to help. Thankfully, the call was answered._

"_Hi, Jeffrey, it's Natalia."_

"_Natalia, what's wrong?"_

"_I'm in Olivia's room right now. Ava's been calling the front desk because she can't get a hold of her. It's a mess in here. It looks like she was upset or something, and she's not picking up her cell phone. I'm so sorry to bother you with this but I just feel like it might be better if you called your daughter."_

"_Okay, I'll take care of Ava and then I'll get back to you. I'm sorry you keep getting roped into all of her dramas. I'll talk to you later, okay?"_

_Natalia was at a loss, she had no idea where Olivia might be and she spent the next ten minutes trying to piece together anything within the room that would shed some light on the mystery. After a while she went back down to reception, cornering Jeffrey as he entered the Beacon and together they rode back up to Olivia's suite. Jeffrey explained he had tried phoning her regular haunts in hopes of locating her when a further idea stuck him and he tried another number._

_Reentering the suite again, Jeffrey finished his latest call and confirmed, "Well, she's not answering her cell phone, okay, and she's not at Company and she's not at the doctor."_

"_No," Natalia said confused, "I mean, I don't know." She didn't think Olivia would have gone far but the state of the room coupled with her often mercurial behavior… she didn't want to think about that, didn't truly believe Olivia would do something that stupid, that selfish, not intentionally anyway. _

_Determined to keep looking but frustrated by her inability to zero in on the woman's whereabouts with the clues she had to hand she gave up and suggested, "Have a look around, maybe you can figure out where she might be."_

"_Well, it looks like she was here recently," Jeffrey circled the bed, "but she left in a hurry."_

"_But where?" Natalia resisted rolling her eyes at the blindingly obvious statement having already concluded Olivia had hastily departed but she was truly perplexed, not to mention growing more concerned by the minute. "She's just starting to get around, you know? It's not like she can just jump up and take off." _

Something must have happened or come up… what would make her rush off like that?_ An idea came to her, one she couldn't believe she hadn't thought of before._

_She searched for her phone again while Jeffrey continued his investigation and tried to justify Olivia's behavior by saying, "Yeah, well, it is Olivia. Look, you know what? I'll find her- this is not your job, you don't have to..."_

_Natalia silenced him with her hand, this wasn't about her 'job', this was something… some_one _she had come to care about, more than she was presently prepared to admit. Her call connected, "Hi, this is Natalia Aitoro. I'm on the list for Emma Spaulding. Can you please tell me if she's at school today?" _

_Having a feeling her idea was going to pan out, she moved to exit, Jeffrey following curious in her wake._

_The school informed her there was a planned trip to the courthouse today. Sharing the information with Jeffrey they headed over there and split up, Natalia taking the upper level while Jeffrey entered the court itself._

_Her choice paid off._

_Natalia opened the door, the dual emotion of annoyance and relief warring within her as she spotted Olivia wedged into the corner of the bench her eyes steadfastly fixed on the activity below._

"_Why don't you have your cell phone on?" she admonished._

_Olivia did not look up but let out a "Shh…"_

_Natalia looked in the same direction as Olivia and saw a group of children, Emma among them, respectfully listening to Jeffrey as he explained who he was and what his role within the court involved._

_Olivia brushed back her hair and quietly said, "I volunteered to chaperone for this day a long time ago, long before any of this."_

_Natalia singled Emma out, her eyes naturally drawn to the charming child, "Emma looks like she's having fun."_

"_Yeah," Olivia smiled broadly and then her smile fell. "The driver brought me over here," she explained. "I barely could make it up the steps. I just don't want Emma and her friends to see me like this."_

_Natalia was confused, "Like what? You look fine."_

_Then Olivia looked at her and she could see how pale the older woman looked, the heaviness around her eyes as if she hadn't slept properly in a while, "Okay, maybe you need a little touchup."_

_Olivia smiled again and returned her gaze to Emma._

_Natalia watched as she seemed to consider something before turning back to her to ask, "Can you help me? I... I... it took everything I had just to get over here and I really..." Olivia wiped under her eyes with her knuckle, "I don't want to scare my daughter."_

_Natalia couldn't say no but wasn't going to turn down an opportunity when presented with such an easy line, "Well, I can't promise any miracles."_

"_That's funny," Olivia scoffed, "That's funny. That's good."_

_Natalia, pleased she had made her smile, held out her hand and waited until Olivia took it. Supporting her as she rose, she aided her towards the door, waving at Jeffrey as they left and Olivia reluctant to look away until the last possible moment._

_They shared a quiet journey back to the Beacon, Natalia, noting how unsteady Olivia appeared, was anxious to return her to her room so she could sit down again and relax. It was too soon for her to be traipsing about all over town; she needed time to take care of herself and heal properly. As her self-appointed guardian, Natalia was determined this would happen._

_With Olivia finally seated back at her suite, Natalia busied herself around the room fetching drinks, tidying up the mess and generally fussing about. It had scared her earlier, ridiculous as it might be she felt responsible for the older woman and she was discovering she genuinely cared about her._

_Knowing Emma would be out of school shortly she put some cookies on a plate in an effort to make the hotel room more of a home for the adorable little girl._

_As if echoing her thoughts Olivia, who had been a little withdrawn after her expedition, spoke up, "Emma's going to be home soon."_

"_Don't worry," Natalia reassured, "you look good."_

_She always looked good, even when she was at death's door the woman was still stunning in her beauty._

"_You mean, not zombie-like?"_

Always joking_. Natalia smiled at her ready with a witty response but before she could say it, Emma came rushing into the room diving straight into her mother's arms._

"_Mommy!"_

"_Hello sweet girl," Olivia returned the hug with vigour._

"_I missed you so much!"_

"_I missed you, too."_

_Natalia looked on, impressed as ever by the astuteness of Olivia's child as she asked, "Are you still sick?"_

"_I'm trying not to be." There was a slight pause, "Do you know what? Even if I'm not with you, I'll always love you, remember that."_

"_I love you, too." Emma fell forward into another hug and Natalia felt her heart tug for the troubled woman and her predicament._

"_That's my girl," Olivia whispered._

_When the hug ended Emma turned and smiled at Natalia who had previously gone unnoticed in the room, "Hi Natalia."_

"_Hi Emma."_

_Emma looked like she was going to ask something and then her eyes spied the cookies on the table and she turned back to her mommy, "Can I have a cookie mom?"_

"_Sure honey but just one."_

_Emma took her time choosing the biggest one on the plate, at least to her eyes, and then taking a bite and chewing announced, "Hmm… these are good. Can I take it to my room? I want to draw a picture of the courthouse, we went there today."_

"_Oh yeah?" Olivia said._

_Emma nodded and was torn between saying more and taking another bite of the cookie, "I saw Jeffrey."_

"_And did he have lots to tell you?"_

"_Uh huh," the cookie was winning out over the conversation._

"_Well then I look forward to seeing what picture you come up with 'bean," Olivia said as she reached to tickle Emma's tummy._

_Emma giggled and turning, ran off to her room cookie pieces flying as she went._

_Wanting Olivia to realize how her daughter cared more about her being there than how she looked Natalia had to point out, "I told you she'd be happy to see you."_

"_Thanks."_

"_I did it for Emma," Natalia confirmed, refusing to let Olivia know how much she had worried her, then thinking maybe she would tweak the other woman a bit said, "You were a little scary."_

* * *

><p>Recalling the incident and kicking herself for being slow on the uptake again, Natalia put two and two together and knew where Olivia had to be.<p>

Crossing the landing she approached the room Emma was in and could detect Olivia's deep, throaty whisper through the unclosed door. Peering through the gap she could make out her form clad in only her blouse and panties as she knelt beside the bed, her upper body draped over the edge of the mattress and her head bent forward causing her hair to obscure her face in the semi-darkness.

Pushing lightly on the door and stepping a little further into the room Natalia noticed Olivia's fingers, hovering reverently over Emma's hair as if afraid to touch and she could tell she was crying, "Olivia?"

Olivia looked up, looked through her, unfocused; tears ran freely down her face, her green eyes swollen red.

Natalia almost took a full step back, the visage before her evoking such a sense of sorrow and loss, all conflicted thoughts and emotions were cast aside but she remained by the doorway, mindful of Emma.

"What is it? What's wrong?" she said in hushed tones.

Olivia's shoulders hitched and her words sounded distant, "She's okay."

Natalia was unsure the anguished woman was even aware she was there. Puzzled once again she assumed Olivia was referring to Emma, still thankfully sleeping and blissfully unaware of the drama around her. "Of course she's okay."

"I had to save her." Olivia's voice had taken on a breathy quality as her silent sobs refused to subside.

"You did save her, remember?" Still unsure they were actually having a conversation Natalia began to think she understood now, Olivia was somehow reliving the horrifying moment when Emma had fallen into the raging river.

Confident in her actions and sure this was something she understood and could handle, Natalia finally approached and squatted down next to the bed. Her head level with Olivia's she attempted to maintain eye contact with her and tried to ascertain whether Olivia was truly awake or had succumbed to some strange form of somnambulism.

Olivia was watching Emma sleep, her hand wanting to touch to garner proof of her existence but clearly not wanting the child to wake. Dropping her head she turned and blinked freeing another river of tears.

Natalia watched as they tracked their way down to her chin and hung suspended until their combined weight caused them to fall and further darken the growing patch of wetness on the carpet below.

"I made a choice," Olivia continued as she sucked in a breath that made her lower lip tremble. "Had to save her."

Okay, this was getting a little unnerving and Natalia could feel her brow furrowing as she tried to keep up with the seemingly needless repetition. "You were amazing," she reassured, "you knew what you had to do and you did it."

Olivia's eyes tracked to Natalia's mouth as if watching the words and thinking she was on the right path Natalia continued, "You saved your daughter Olivia, you should be proud of that."

Olivia's bloodshot eyes flicked up to Natalia's and held them with a look that burned with anger, her voice appalled, indignant and loud, Natalia didn't get it, "What I did was wrong!"

Natalia was shocked at this unexpected fury and could see Emma stirring, her mother's vehemence finally penetrating the child's slumber.

"Mommy?" Emma said sounding as puzzled as Natalia felt.

Olivia instantly tried to quiet her child, her intention had not been to wake her, "Shh baby, it's okay, it's alright. Go back to sleep now." She placed her fingers delicately over Emma's lips as a signal to say nothing and then stroked her cheek to soothe her.

Emma's eyes adjusted to the room and saw her mother was crying. Alarmed she spoke up, "Why are you crying mommy?"

It was apparently too much.

Natalia watched in bewilderment as Olivia keened forward, bending double as inconsolable sobs shook her.

Emma looked terrified and Natalia, completely surprised by the turn of events, was equally at a loss of what to do. Following her natural instinct to try and comfort the woman before her she was finally propelled into action when Emma, obviously distressed at seeing her mother so upset, started to cry herself. She had to do something, torn between mother and daughter.

"Emma, sweetie it's okay," Natalia glanced at Olivia before returning her attention to the distraught child. "Look at me Emma, look at me," she instructed as Emma watched her mother transfixed. Gaining her attention Natalia brushed back Emma's hair to cradle her face, "Your mommy is going to be okay, she's just had a bad dream and she's upset okay?" At least Natalia hoped that was all it was.

Emma searched her face for any trace of deception and nodded trustingly as she sniffed, "Okay."

"You know how we said we'd help her?" Natalia really wanted to calm Emma down so she could concentrate on Olivia and was trying to find a way to do both. She waited until Emma nodded again. "Well this is what we're going to do; I'm going to look after your mommy okay?" She smiled with as much confidence as she could muster to try and reassure and Emma tentatively smiled back, her tears slowing.

Both of them were very aware of the other figure in the room, the only sound beyond their hurried conversation the jagged attempts to breathe through unrelenting tears.

"Will you let me get your mommy settled and then I'll come back and I'll help you go back to sleep, does that sound okay?"

Emma took a quick look at her mother again and weighed her decision before nodding agreement.

Natalia almost sighed in relief knowing she could now turn her attention to Olivia. She smiled at Emma again encouragingly and then placing a hand on Olivia's blouse covered back, gently rubbed it and coaxed, "Olivia, come with me, come on."

Olivia shuddered as if unable to draw in the breath required to speak but looked up through blurry eyes and a veil of hair.

Natalia gathered her up in her arms and as Olivia stood on wobbly legs placed a supportive hand under her elbow to lead her from the room. They stopped as one as Olivia paused and turned back, "Emma," she managed to croak out.

"It's okay mommy," with a maturity well beyond her years Emma climbed out of bed and hugged her mommy. "Natalia will take care of you," she informed, "and I will too."

Natalia hovered watchfully by her side as Olivia, apparently lost for words tightened the hug.

Emma dashed back to bed to sit cross-legged and await Natalia's return.

The two women said nothing as they returned to Olivia's room until Natalia deposited Olivia on the bed and turned to close the door.

Hurrying back to Olivia's side, Natalia helped her lay back plumping and placing the pillow so Olivia could sit upright, the upset woman falling victim to hiccups as a result of her tears.

"Will you be okay while I go sort Emma out?" Natalia asked.

Wiping at her eyes Olivia nodded and hiccupped in response.

Natalia hated the misery she saw in Olivia's face and was momentarily mesmerized as further tears started to fall. She needed to fix this, somehow, some way but first things first.

"I'll be back in a bit," Natalia promised. "Don't go anywhere."

~/\~

Olivia had been startled and only vaguely hurt when her nightmare had caused her to fall out of bed. So disturbed by the images within the dream she had quickly roused herself to a state of wakefulness and crossed the landing in search of Emma.

Seeing her daughter so angelically sleeping Olivia had knelt beside the bed in awe of her sweet perfection, this was her child, so loving and thoughtful.

She wasn't sure when she started to cry, possibly as far back as when she was caught within the dream but as she rested in her watchful position by the bed she could do nothing to stop it. Whether they were tears of relief, anger or joy she had no idea, only that the emotions she was currently experiencing were so intense and so great her body had no way to contain them.

When Natalia had tracked her down, Olivia found herself wanting to explain herself but for whatever reason the younger woman didn't seem to be able to grasp exactly what it was Olivia was trying to tell her. She was getting frustrated and raising her voice, stupidly equating volume with enlightenment, was horrified when it served only to wake her child and cause further distress.

At the end of her rope, wanting to be strong for her daughter and yet failing pathetically, overwhelmed with memories, images and knowledge of actions taken, tired beyond belief and convinced of her inability to ever get anything right, Olivia broke.

Her surroundings faded beyond her level of awareness as she knew only her sadness and her desperate struggle to acquire air into her lungs.

Eventually another sensation broke through the fogginess, warmth on her back, a familiar hand rubbing up and down in an effort to calm and a voice enticing her, "Olivia, come with me, come on."

She would not resist, could not.

Her head was starting to pound as her headache returned and she wanted nothing more than the chance to lay down again. Moving to stand, her strength again betraying her, she leaned heavily on Natalia. She couldn't just leave though could she? Hadn't she come here for a reason? Her throat constricted she turned and forced out, "Emma."

Emma hopped off the bed and hugged her, encouraging, "It's okay mommy, Natalia will take care of you and I will too."

For a secondhand heart and one she should really take better care of, she feared it would simply burst with the love she felt for her daughter. Touched, she started back to her room Natalia by her side.

She sank relieved onto the bed and allowed Natalia to fuss around her getting her settled. The continuous tears had the unfortunate side effect of causing hiccups and although she was beat, she knew Natalia would want to talk.

"Will you be okay while I go sort Emma out?" Natalia asked.

In a fashion she would be but she still couldn't stop the never-ending supply of tears and her twitching diaphragm was growing irritating as she hiccupped again; she nodded.

"I'll be back in a bit," Natalia promised. "Don't go anywhere."

Where was she going to go? She knew she was going to have to face this, maybe now she finally would.

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 19th May 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=UOnTTl_Ndb8 with thanks to OtaliaHD for the clip


	15. Chapter 15

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 15**

Closing the door Natalia took a long breath and then hurried back to Emma's room. Having noticed the lack of linen on the child's bed and thinking it would help put Emma at ease, she collected some on the way.

Emma was patiently waiting but evidently anxious, "How's mommy?"

"She's going to be fine; she's just had a bad dream and got upset." Natalia repeated her earlier diagnosis and resisted the urge to dwell on any other possibilities. She would hopefully learn more when she had Emma settled again. "So let's get you sorted out so you can go back to sleep."

Natalia began moving around the bed, starting with grabbing one of the pillows to put a case on it.

Emma watched her, her mind clearly spinning with questions, "How come we're still at Cassie's?"

"Because it got really late and it made sense to stay here rather than drive back home. Do you mind being here?" She covered the second pillow, pulled the quilt off the bed and nudged Emma to scoot so she could apply the bed sheet.

Having left the bed to give Natalia room, Emma took in the room in wonder. "I think it's great," she smiled, "I wish this was my room."

Natalia noticed the wistfulness in her tone and how it mirrored her own line of thinking. "You don't like living at the hotel?"

Emma shrugged and shook her head.

Tucking the sheet in she placed the pillows at the head of the bed and moved to complete her chore. "I would think it'd be fun."

Emma shrugged again, "It's not like here. Here there's so much to do." Her body language became more animated as she began to enthuse on her trip to the farmhouse, "Mommy let me look around outside and there was a pond and ducks and it was just… I wish this could be my house, I really like it here." Emma became subdued again and she looked down at her toes scrunching in the carpet, "I get to go to the park as long as mommy or Jane can take me but it's not the same."

"Aw honey," Natalia finished making the bed and pulled back the cover to invite Emma back in.

Emma climbed in and snuggled into the pillows, the scent of fresh linen instantly easing the child back to thoughts of sleep.

Natalia crouched down so she was level with her and smiled a warm dimpled smile, "Maybe I'll take you to the park," she suggested conspiratorially, "would you like that?"

Emma nodded and returned the smile.

"Okay little one, you need to get back to sleep, it's way past your bedtime."

"You need to look after my mommy," Emma countered, her eyes drooping.

Knowing it to be true and heartened to be so instructed, Natalia smiled and kissed the top of Emma's head, "I will. Good night Emma."

"'night," she was already well on her way to sleep.

~/\~

Natalia wasted no time returning to Olivia's room and Olivia looked up as she entered, her eyes issuing challenge from within her puffy and tearstained face. Obviously the time spent with Emma had allowed the suffering woman to regain some level of composure.

Closing the door, Natalia rubbed at her forehead as if mentally preparing herself for battle and considered the most appropriate first move.

"I'm sorry…"

"Are you o…"

They smiled at each other both having chosen the same moment to play their opening gambit.

Relieved Olivia was at least coherent again Natalia crossed to the bed and sat down, turning to face her recalcitrant friend. She reached for one of Olivia's hands and held it looking earnestly at her to ask, "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what just happened in there?"

Olivia closed her eyes and trying to relax her frame against the pillows tilted back her head and uttered a quiet, "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I…" Olivia was trying to find a way to put her thoughts into words, "Do you remember… our last night at the cabin?"

Natalia nodded, intrigued where this was leading, "How could I forget?" She smiled, choosing to remember only the best bits of their stay, their final evening being one of her highlights.

Olivia smiled too, "Yeah, well… we talked remember?" She hiccupped and let out an aggravated sigh.

"Hey, let me get you some water, be right back."

Natalia hopped up and taking the jar they had brought up with them earlier, refilled it. Whilst in the bathroom she also grabbed the guest towel she had taken from the linen supply and dampened down one end of it in cold water.

Returning to Olivia she handed her the water saying, "Drink this slowly, I don't want you getting dehydrated and it might help with your hiccups." She smiled sympathetically and then offered the towel suggesting, "I thought you might like this to wipe your face, I imagine they feel pretty sore." She gestured to her eyes and then, feeling emboldened, Natalia took the damp linen, leant forward and carefully dabbed around Olivia's eyes wiping her face, Olivia carefully holding onto the jar she had been sipping from.

Olivia closed her eyes again, exhaled with the release of tension and smiled, taken aback once more by Natalia's ability to care, "Thank you that feels great."

Suddenly embarrassed at how much she was enjoying the simple act of washing the tired woman's face, Natalia smiled shyly in return and taking the jar from Olivia's fingers handed her the cool cloth, "Here, take it."

Olivia did and pressed it to her face, the cold soothing to her stinging eyes and overheated skin.

"Have you taken anything?"

Olivia peered out from behind the cloth and shook her head no, not totally unsurprised Natalia knew she had a headache.

"I've got some aspirin in my bag, let me go get them."

Reapplying the cloth while she waited it seemed Natalia was no time at all in retrieving the tablets. Olivia took one and relinquished the cloth as Natalia reclaimed her hold on her hand.

"Okay so… we talked," she said.

Returning to the start of her earlier conversation Olivia nodded, "Yeah, I told you how the dreams before, they called into question my behavior… how they accused me of being 'undeserving' of my children, that I… I hurt them." Olivia's voice trembled a little and Natalia squeezed her hand, willing her to go on.

"I remember and I pointed out that you don't have the monopoly on doing things you're not proud of."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah."

Her breathing hitched and Natalia grew concerned again, "What is it? You can tell me."

"I don't know," Olivia emphasized again clearly frustrated with her inability to vocalize her anguish, "That's just it. I've tried to make sense of it, I have. I just have this…" Olivia clenched her hand and placed it over her heart, "…overwhelming sense of loss."

Natalia understood loss having experienced it many times throughout her life and having paid witness to it.

* * *

><p><em>Natalia thought she would go insane, her son had fled the country with her dead husband's ex and her father-in-law was convinced it would be in her son's best interest to come home because of a vision, albeit a vision given to him by her dead husband.<em>

_She knew she appeared naïve but she had faith, she needed to have faith, she wanted to see her son again._

_Buzz however had a slightly different take on it and was going to take Alan to his lawyer as soon as he found a sitter so, not having anything better to do and thinking it was just the kind of distraction she was looking for, she volunteered._

_They were at Company having spent some time at the park, Peyton in her baby carrier resting on the table in front of her unaware of how much she was reminding Natalia of her son, "You know, my baby used to kick his blankets off, too."_

_Peyton started crying and letting the reality of her situation hit her for just a moment Natalia felt her own eyes watering as if in sympathy, "I'm sorry, Peyton. I'm sorry. I'm not going to cry." She concentrated on the tiny life form before her, "Grown-ups don't cry," she explained, "I'm sorry... it's just I miss my son very much."_

_Her tears under control she took joy from the cute little pudding fists punching at the air and resorted to cooing noises to try and still the baby's crying. Thinking it may be hunger, she prepared her bottle._

_She was about to feed her when Olivia walked in, she seemed subdued but smiled as she saw them, greeting her with a quiet, "Hi."_

"_Hi." Natalia was never sure how her interactions with Olivia would go but she knew the somber woman had recently suffered the loss of her grandchild and her daughter, like Rafe, had left Springfield under less than happy circumstances._

_Natalia did not have to wait long before Olivia made her request, "You think maybe I can uh…" she reached into the carrier to finger stroke the baby's cheek, "give her her bottle?"_

_Happy to be able to grant a simple request, Natalia smiled and handed her the bottle._

_Olivia took it and sat beside her, her attention turned totally on Peyton as she engaged her with a quiet 'Hi' of her own._

_Of all the things about Olivia which surprised her the most, it was how extraordinary she was as a mother, not an aspect one would naturally associate with the forceful, demanding woman but as she watched her feeding Peyton, studying her, she could feel something was off._

_They said little, Olivia making baby noises as Peyton finished her feed._

"_May I?" Olivia asked, obviously intending to pick the baby up._

"_Sure, here." Natalia draped a spit cloth over Olivia's shoulder as she settled the baby and cradled her in her arms._

"_Thanks," Olivia smiled at the bundle she was holding and Natalia could see her sadness again, barely concealed._

"_Let me get you something to drink," she said, needing to do something and feeling a little inadequate at the moment, "Coffee?"_

"_Hm?" Olivia looked up, "Yeah, please. Thank you." She turned back to the baby._

_Natalia left them to collect the drink._

_Upon her return she gently touched Olivia's shoulder as she placed the mug on the table, Olivia acknowledging the beverage with a smile. Again, it didn't quite reach her eyes._

_Natalia stepped back, charmed by the picture of Olivia with the baby in her arms. She wanted to help her, she knew she didn't have many friends to turn to and Natalia always believed talking helped, maybe she could get her to open up and talk to her._

"_Do you know how long Ava will be gone?"_

_Olivia's mouth twitched before sadly admitting, "No."_

"_I know it's so hard to be apart from your kids."_

"_I still have Emma." Olivia turned to look at Natalia, "Rafe?"_

"_It's been a while since I've heard from him."_

_Whether in deference to the sleeping child in her arms or emotions tightening her throat, Olivia's voice was quiet, strained, "I'm so sorry."_

_Natalia believed her._

_Studying her closely, Natalia noticed the downcast woman's pallor, "Have you slept at all?"_

"_I'm fine."_

_Now that Natalia didn't believe, even as Olivia shrugged off her concern she sniffled, her emotions very close to the surface._

"_I'll make you something to eat," Natalia decided, "You're not feeling well." She stood and crossed behind her to go to the kitchen._

"_It won't help."_

_Natalia halted at the definite tone._

_Olivia regarded Peyton again before continuing, "I mean… I appreciate it, but I..."_

_Natalia sat down edging closer as Olivia confessed, "I don't know what to do anymore."_

_Offering comfort by rubbing soothing circles on Olivia's back, Natalia listened, her own heart heavy as Olivia broke down and sobbed, "My heart can't take it."_

_They sat there, Olivia holding Peyton as she cried and Natalia giving her the space to do so. Eventually Natalia spoke up, not liking the other woman's unhealthy skin tone and wanting to help her she suggested, "Listen, why don't you come with me, give yourself a little time to get yourself together."_

_Olivia looked unsure and shook her head._

"_Come on, you need something to eat and maybe you could lie down for a bit. Please."_

_It had become suddenly very important to her to know Olivia was going to be okay and for her to do everything she could to help make that happen. Thankfully she didn't have to wait long as she watched Olivia brush a fingertip along Peyton's face again and smile at the peaceful child. She knew the moment Olivia had given in to her persuasiveness and smiled at the confirming nod._

_Olivia gently laid the baby back into her carrier and together they retreated to Natalia's room at the boarding house._

"_Here," Natalia said as she put the carrier down and guided Olivia through the room, "if you want to just rest for a moment, go ahead." She indicated her room and then pointed to another door and advised, "If you want to freshen up, the bathroom's in here."_

"_Thanks," Olivia seemed drained and glanced towards the bedroom._

"_Go on, go ahead. It's fine, really."_

_Olivia gave an almost embarrassed smile again and Natalia was relieved when she chose to take a nap, entering the bedroom and closing the door behind her._

_Natalia retreated to her sitting area and fussed over Peyton, her thoughts chasing from Rafe to Olivia to Ava and back around again. After nearly half an hour she heard movement from the back room and Olivia appeared looking calmer and more herself._

"_Do you feel better?"_

_She smiled, "Yeah, a little bit. I'm sorry. I'm not really myself these days."_

_Natalia could understand her feeling self-conscious but she could relate, "Oh, please. I've cried plenty over Rafe."_

"_That's what I'm worried about. I mean, I'm afraid that Ava's just going to disappear, you know? She's going to take off and not come back and not stay in touch."_

_Olivia took a seat on the opposite end of the couch as Natalia disagreed with her, "It's not the same thing. You know Rafe can't."_

"_Well, what do you mean?"_

"_Well, I told you I haven't heard from him in a while, I don't think it's because he hasn't tried. Just he's not safe where he is in Europe right now and I don't think he's able."_

"_How do you know he's not safe?"_

"_Well, we don't know yet." Natalia knew how she was going to sound telling Olivia what she was about to tell her but it had been whirring away in her mind since Alan mentioned it and if there was one thing she could rely on Olivia being it was honest, the woman had proven many times in the past she could be painfully honest and she needed an honest take on things right now. "Alan had a... a vision- a message from Gus- and he said that Rafe is not safe where he is and he needs to come home."_

"_Okay." Although the word was simple, the expression behind it said far more._

"_Just because you don't believe..."_

"_I think..." Olivia stopped herself, "I believe that you want your son home so badly that you're willing this to be true. Rafe may not be any safer here."_

"_I know. But," Natalia didn't know why but she really wanted Olivia's support on this, she of all people should understand what it was like having your child be away from you, not knowing how they were, if they were eating, if they slept okay; she was going to have to explain it so Olivia would see it as a positive thing, "Alan sensed that Gus would be able to protect Rafe if he came home...you know, that he's better off here and that's good news."_

_Whether it worked or not, Olivia pulled her mouth, lips firmly shut to indicate she wasn't going to contradict, she had had her say. Taking this as a form of agreement, Natalia did the one thing she had wanted to do since Alan had the vision._

"_What are you doing?"_

"_I'm just, I have to..." Natalia had her hands around her phone as Olivia's arm shot out to snatch it away from her._

"_Calling him could put him in more danger."_

_Didn't Olivia get it? Alan had said Rafe would be protected if he came home and she wanted to see her son. Grabbing the phone back she said, "He doesn't know about Alan's visions, so I think maybe I should just, you know, let him know..."_

_Olivia was on her feet, her hands pressed together in appeal as she said, "What are you going to say to him? Listen to me. Just wait."_

_Natalia stopped dialing and looked at her._

"_You're going to call Rafe, who's hiding in Europe, and you're going to tell him that his dead father wants him to come home because his grandfather's having visions. Think about it."_

_Natalia could feel herself getting upset, why was Olivia stopping her? Why didn't she want her to see her son? "You know what? I tried to help you today."_

"_And I'm trying to help you." Olivia took her hand, the one still gripping the phone and together they fell back on the couch. Keeping hold, she squeezed it as she went on to say, "As much as we want the people that we love in our lives every day… sometimes they can't be here, because they're gone." She was getting emotional again and Natalia could not look away as she continued with conviction, "All we can do is hang on to those people we still have left and protect them and love them."_

_Natalia considered her hand and the way it was being gripped so tightly, emphasizing the pleading woman's words and wondered at the additional meaning behind them._

_Their roles reversed from only hours before, Natalia could feel her own tears close to the surface as she declared, "I miss him so much."_

"_I know." Olivia let go of her hand, "But just... before you decide to call, just make sure that these messages are more than just Alan's wishful thinking."_

_Natalia realized as badly as she wanted to see her son, to speak to him, she also trusted Olivia and respected what she said._

* * *

><p>Thinking back on the conversation they had at the cabin Natalia thought of something else and wondered if it was in any way connected. "Olivia, you said something about 'your mother's words come back to haunt me'. What did you mean by that?"<p>

Olivia felt chilled. She didn't want to deal with that, not now, not here.

She shivered.

Natalia saw it, "Hey, are you cold?" Instinctively she rubbed the other woman's arm, watching her closely.

Olivia mumbled under her breath and shook her head, her body betraying her as she shivered again.

Natalia looked about, "Hey, let me get you anoth…" she stood up abruptly and slammed into a head rush, spots dancing before her eyes, "…woah." She reversed her journey quickly to sit back down on the bed, her hand to her brow.

Concerned, Olivia pushed herself forward to position a supportive hand on Natalia's back, "Are you okay?"

"Just stood up too quick, I'll be fine in a minute." She shrugged off both the hand and the interest.

"I don't think so," Olivia contradicted, earning her a sharp look from Natalia. "You must be exhausted," she continued, "fussing around after me all the time."

"Don't be silly," Natalia reiterated, "I just stood up too quick, really." She smiled, wanting to put Olivia at ease.

Olivia remained unconvinced and began to mutter, "Maybe you should stop mothering me and…"

"What? What's wrong?" Natalia was beginning to dislike that word intensely.

"Nothing. Forget it, you should lie down."

"I don't want to lie down, tell me what you were going to say," Natalia stubbornly rose again as if to prove her point and continued with her mission to find another blanket.

Olivia sighed.

When Natalia reappeared with a blanket a short while later, Olivia noticed the dark circles starting to form under her eyes and her own guilt at being partly responsible for putting them there coupled with the dark turn of her thoughts left her feeling sad and bitter.

The younger woman opened the blanket out and made to encircle Olivia with it, "Stop, stop it! I don't need it!" Olivia batted her hands away, "What are you...?"

Natalia would not relent. "Don't be such a baby," she instructed, determined to ensure Olivia was warm and cared for.

"Really, you should stop."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"I don't need it."

Pulling at the blanket she finally caught hold of Natalia's hands stilling her in the act of tucking her in completely and with eyes hard as they locked onto the past said, "It didn't serve me well last time." _Shit!_ Olivia's brain slammed on the brakes a little too late for her mouth to change gear and she sincerely hoped Natalia wouldn't ask anything further.

Natalia found it an odd statement and was about to question further when a yawn overcame her.

Olivia felt terrible. No matter what this amazing, patient woman did for her she felt she always ended up sounding ungrateful. On top of that, she was slipping, saying things which would only serve to rouse Natalia's suspicion and interest. Natalia was _not_ her mother, far from it and to think she was making comparisons of situation frankly disgusted her. She was sure Natalia would understand if she explained but Olivia really wanted that can of worms to remain firmly and tightly closed.

Taking in the figure of the petite woman, a yawn of jaw breaking proportions dominating her features, all Olivia wanted to do was wrap her up in the blanket with her. Sure, she had started to discuss her nightmare and her headache was gradually receding but her mind still felt clogged, her eyes sore and heavy. She was tired; she wanted to sleep and knew with an unquestioning certainty, she did not want to sleep alone.

She opened the blanket which had been so lovingly cocooned around her and caught the other woman's gaze.

Natalia, who was still chewing over and trying to decipher what Olivia had both said and not said, had begun yawning almost non-stop. Thinking Olivia may have a point and she should consider getting her own bed ready to sleep in, she saw movement in the corner of her eye and turned to see Olivia with a hopeful yet slightly fearful look, her blanket covered arm outstretched in invitation.

Natalia said nothing, only dropped her head forward in emotional relief, shucked off her shoes and crawled up fully onto the bed to position herself within the warm waiting arms.

To be continued...

Flashback scene from episode 7th August 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=6f5vQoXD-SQ...feature=related with thanks to OtaliaNut for the clip.


	16. Chapter 16

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 16**

From the moment Natalia snuggled up against her, resting her head against her chest and wrapping one arm around her, Olivia felt the world beginning to right itself again. Enclosing her within her own embrace and relieved to finally have her hiccups under control, Olivia let out an enormous sigh and allowed her body to relax, comforted by the closeness of her companion and friend.

How intertwined their fates had become, how connected. Olivia in many ways could not understand how they could be where they were now, how she could feel as she did at this moment and yet, the idea of Natalia not being present in her life caused an ache unlike anything she had ever experienced beyond even the physical pain of her hearts.

She tensed her arm, squeezing Natalia in an instinctive hug and smiled when the younger woman burrowed further, her head readjusting its location slightly before reclaiming its position above her breast. When this was followed by a happy mewling sound, Olivia was infused with such a deep level of affection she turned her own head to place a kiss upon Natalia's forehead.

Thankful to not have to further explain her earlier actions, Olivia allowed the strangely familiar weight beside her and the delicate, recognizable scent of Natalia's perfume to lull her until she succumbed to the pull of sleep.

~/\~

Natalia had not realized either how tired she actually was or how desperately she wanted to curl up next to the often aggravating woman currently holding her in a reassuring and tender embrace. Although her mind was still swirling with copious questions, for all intents and purposes she had reached the physical end of her rope and wanted nothing more than to shut down for a couple of hours or longer to give her the chance to clear her head and tackle whatever was thrown at her with a refreshed mind.

Possibly realizing this was also the best thing for Olivia at the moment Natalia feigned sleep, unable to resist nestling in when Olivia hugged her and smiling at the sense of peace she felt when a kiss was placed so gently and lovingly above her brow.

She thought she had felt at home as she wandered around the farmhouse but it was nothing compared to the feeling of rightness this moment evoked.

Olivia's body relaxed beside her, the arm around her loosening its grip but maintaining its hold and after listening to her breathing as it evened out in sleep, Natalia soon followed, her smile still evident upon her face.

~/\~

_She was warm, getting warmer._

_She could feel heat, a nearby source. A sound, difficult to distinguish and then the heat intensified._

_Danger, a definite sense of danger and her instincts flared as she tried to communicate with her limbs to run._

_She wanted to gasp, to draw in life preserving breath but there was pressure, pressure on her side holding her down._

_No escape._

_Panic gripped her._

"_SAVE HER!"_

_Startled by the words, frustrated, her eyes searched the darkness frantically trying to identify the speaker and understand the duality the instruction imposed upon her._

_She was confused; _who_ was she supposed to save?_

_Her throat closed up, her mouth grew dry and terror became paramount._

_She struggled, tried to scream, every fiber of her being pulling and clawing at her to move, leave, run, run as fast as she could go but she couldn't._

_Her eyes grew wet, her nostrils flared as the scent of smoke and alcohol permeated her senses and her hearing strained, the external noises battling against the hammering of her heart._

_She was failing; whatever it was she was supposed to do, she was failing and the undeniable loss was so immense it was as if she had been cleaved in two._

~/\~

Natalia awoke, her eyes trying to adjust to the brightness of the room. Thinking it strange, her brain caught up and remembered where she was, putting together the facts they must have both fallen asleep before switching off the bedside lamp and that she was currently too comfortable to be bothered with it now.

Attempting to remain as still as possible so as not to wake Olivia, she blinked several times and then, needing to swallow she opened and closed her mouth only to realize she had embarrassingly drooled on Olivia's white cotton blouse. Carefully moving her arm she wiped her mouth.

What Natalia couldn't understand was why it was she was awake?

Several things happened at once; the arm still protectively enveloping her tensed and the hand resting on her side balled into a fist, the body beneath her moved in a convulsive twitch and a sound, which was a combination of a gasp and a groan escaped from Olivia's lips.

Having had at least one of her questions answered this evening, Natalia waited.

When it happened again, Natalia found herself uncertain about what to do. Sure, she had gone through this with Olivia before but had she done the right thing? She knew Olivia needed to rest but this, this wasn't restful.

Sliding her hand from its position at Olivia's side up to her face and cautiously pulling back her head a bit, Natalia watched as she traced a finger along Olivia's sculpted eyebrows.

Mesmerized, Natalia observed Olivia's features as they remained animated even in sleep, her eyes frenetically darting about under her eyelids, the corner of her mouth twitching and her nostrils widening as if running and her lungs were depleted. Drops of sweat lay glistening on her brow and top lip, her body obviously in a state of exertion even as it lay in supposed rest.

Attempting to soothe with her voice, Natalia began to utter words of reassurance, "Hey, shhh… you're safe, you're not alone okay?" The eyes continued to dart, "Whatever it is, I'm here."

Unsure if she was imagining it Olivia's head appeared to turn toward her, "That's it, listen to my voice Olivia, you're safe."

The breathing which had become irregular and rapid began to still into steady inhales and exhales. Natalia moved her arm again to rub Olivia's side with her hand, "That's it, that's right, calm down." She could feel her muscles contract and relax once more until finally Olivia shuddered and lay still, a long, relieved sigh issuing forth as she began to curl towards Natalia fully embracing her.

Her own breathing stilled as she realized her ensnared position and with her arm trapped under Olivia's, she returned the cuddle, the flat of her hand rubbing Olivia's cotton covered back.

Increasingly aware of her own bodily reactions through holding Olivia so intimately and close, Natalia attempted to still her own racing heart and waited, watching for any clue the dream had returned. Content her friend had calmed, Natalia allowed her head to resituate itself within its comfy enclosure and eventually returned to sleep as well.

~/\~

When Natalia next awoke she was confused what time it was, the light in the room misleading as the fall sunlight competed with the still lit lamp beside her. Taking a moment to take stock of her bearings she perused the white cotton vista before her noting its steady rise and fall before briefly considering the exposed flesh at Olivia's neck where her collar lay wide open, inviting her and enticing her as she inhaled the distinctive, familiar and intoxicating perfume. She resisted the urge, confused by her desires and what she was feeling, to place her lips upon her troubled friend as if somehow the act would make everything better.

_If only it were that simple _Natalia thought. _At least we made it to the morning and she didn't have that nightmare again. I just wish I knew what is it that has scarred her sleep this way?_

There was so much about Olivia she didn't know, as hard as it was to actually engage her in talking about herself in the first place it was uncanny how she somehow always managed to deflect or steer the conversation in another direction whenever Natalia apparently delved too deep and Natalia suspected there was a very rich vein of information to be mined which would allow her to finally, fully understand who this fascinating woman was and what made her who she had become.

While she understood the need for privacy and also recognized that she had managed to become part of her inner circle by virtue of having knowledge of Olivia's health issues Natalia needed more, wanted more because in her mind, Olivia needed it.

_So many questions! _Her mind shouted in frustration.

Knowing it would probably drive her insane if she continued to lie there with the same questions going round and around in her head, Natalia considered her time would be better spent exercising her patience.

Deciding she should probably get up and try to salvage something from the box of goodies left over from the dinner party last night, Natalia began to try and extricate herself from Olivia's grasp. Her intention was to sneak downstairs and let the spent woman have as long as possible before she needed to rise, unfortunately as she began to pull away Olivia began to stir.

Natalia couldn't help but describe Olivia as cute when she was half asleep. It was so far removed from the usually controlled, clearly defined and charismatic persona she typically portrayed to the world that here, with her hair in disarray and tiny snores emitting from her partially open mouth, she had completely let her guard down and in so doing appeared more real somehow, at least to Natalia.

Olivia mumbled something unintelligible and as Natalia managed to roll away from her, Olivia turned and cuddled into the warm spot where she had been, falling back to sleep again to Natalia's relief.

Smothering a yawn Natalia stretched, rubbed her face and with a final loving glance back at the sprawled woman crept from the room intent upon using the main bathroom before heading downstairs.

Nature taken care of, Natalia descended to the kitchen and rummaged in the boxes for coffee, thankful that Buzz had considered their after dinner needs as well and that they had sufficient supplies of milk to at least provide Emma with something of sustenance. They also had the remains of a loaf Natalia could use for toasting and some eggs she hadn't use as part of her special egg fried rice recipe.

Putting the coffee on to brew, Natalia exited through the back door to look out onto the surrounding grounds. Standing comfortably with her arms folded to ward off the chill she was once again taken with the serenity of the farmhouse, there were no cars whizzing by, no hustle and bustle just the peaceful sounds of the countryside.

As she stood there something floated by her face and landed on her cheek. She reached up to brush it off as another rained down and it was then she noticed the smoky scent of bonfire in the wind and the tiny bits of ash. Unperturbed by the organic nature of her surroundings, she breathed deep the memory of toasted marshmallows and found herself wishing she could wake up to this every day.

Losing track of time within her tranquil setting and feeling suitably refreshed, Natalia thought the coffee should be about ready and turned to go back into the farmhouse rubbing her arms for warmth as she went.

~/\~

Olivia was dreaming. For once it had started out pleasant and she had basked in the feeling of being safe, protected and loved, then with a sense of inevitability, the dream changed and became darker.

She felt abandoned, vulnerable and alone.

She grew colder and tried to find a way to keep warm until eventually she could feel heat rising and with it the same dread sense of fear.

Close by she could smell smoke she was sure of it.

She tried to struggle free and failed.

Her adrenaline spiked and she knew with certainty, fire!

~/\~

Natalia had returned upstairs to check on Olivia and to see if she was ready to get up and have some coffee. Being somewhat familiar with Olivia's circadian rhythm she knew how difficult it was for Olivia to get up in the morning and although she wanted the older woman to rest more, she knew Emma would be awake soon and was hoping Olivia's appearance this morning may put the child's mind at ease after the events of last night.

Entering the bedroom Natalia noted Olivia had managed to completely wrap herself up in the blanket and seemed to be fraught in her attempts to get free. Crossing to the bed, it also became clear Olivia was not yet awake and once more in the grip of some kind of nightmare.

Bending close, Natalia tried to calm the writhing woman, startled when Olivia mumbled "Fire."

"Fire?" Natalia frowned, was that an order, a request or a warning? "There's no fire," she tried to reassure.

Olivia mumbled again then grew more frantic with her efforts to escape, finally breaking free of the confining blanket and swinging her limbs in an attempt to leave the bed.

Stunned, Natalia moved back, giving room.

"Fire!" Olivia called again, her eyes wild. "My baby, I have to save her." She attempted sitting up and Natalia tried to calm her by placing her palm against her shoulder.

"What are you talking about? Olivia there is no fire."

Not to be deterred, her words forming in a rush she frantically tried to get through to the woman who was suddenly a barrier she really needed to move beyond, "Listen to me. You have to understand. I have to go find Emma." She was getting tearful, "She's just a little girl. I can't save her."

_Can't save her?_ Frustrated now herself, Natalia tried again to make Olivia see sense, "Olivia? Emma's fine, there's no fire."

Olivia's push past her had her rocking back to fall on her behind and from her unexpected sprawled position on the floor, she watched as Olivia headed for the door. She noted the look of confusion on her face as she appeared to regard the door's presence and then her features harden to resolve as she turned back to say, "Ava, I can't. I have to go. You have to understand."

_Ava?_

"I'll send somebody. I'll send somebody back for you, I promise."

Olivia was crying again and Natalia was beyond confused.

"Olivia stop!"

~/\~

"Olivia stop!"

How could she, her little girl was possibly out there and there was a fire, she had to go, she had to.

Couldn't she see the danger they were in? Why was it she always came rushing in and jumped to the wrong conclusions?

* * *

><p><em>She wasn't stupid, well not totally. She knew she hadn't been taking the best care of herself but you know, what nobody seemed to really get was just how much it hurt. There was the emotional pain of knowing the one man she really thought saw her differently and who really cared for her had died and then there was the psychological pain of knowing this man had died in an effort to save her, ironically only achieving this goal by virtue of his death but it was a simple fact that physically, it hurt.<em>

_It hurt a lot._

_Then there was the tiredness, the way the simplest of things became momentous, like taking a walk outside your room for ice, brushing your hair, finding the energy to care._

_Her drug regime was intense and lengthy; the stack of pill bottles not the feature she had always hoped for on her bedside unit but the idea of having to travel further to retrieve them was not appealing._

_Only the previous day she had risked getting herself to the courthouse, unable to stand the thought of missing out on yet another thing she had planned way back before any of this had started. She was meant to chaperone having volunteered for it ages ago and that morning when Emma had left for school it had completely slipped out of her mind. When she remembered she had been in a panic, for some reason it was essential for her to be there, for her to try and claw back some of what she felt had been taken._

_She was sure other people would think she was lucky to have this second chance at life but having exhausted herself in her hurry to get ready, taking a cab and dragging herself up to the viewing gallery so she could watch without being observed, she felt so drained she began to question whether she was really alive or more appropriately the living dead. If it hadn't been for Natalia showing up and agreeing to help her get home, Olivia was sure she would have been found by the janitors, pathetically propped on the bench having finally expired._

_Realising she needed to start doing something positive if she wanted to get better she had woken up today with the intention of starting some of the light aerobic exercises prescribed to her and dressed herself in suitable attire to do so. Image always helped._

_Shaking out two of her pills she swallowed them back and in the act of replacing her glass of water, accidentally knocked the open bottle to the floor. Irritated and certain there was no way she was going to bend down to pick them all up, she focused on what she had to do next and sat down to put on her trainers, reasonably pleased this alone had not left her breathless._

_Pushing on her legs to stand up she steadied herself, raised her arms out to the side and began a gentle rotation forward to work her shoulders. After only six turns she had had enough and staggered back to her very tempting bed, collapsing on it with one arm hung down toward the floor. _

_It was pathetic but frankly, she was so exhausted she didn't care._

_She was beginning to think it might have been a mistake to have taken the pill earlier considering she hadn't had much in the way of food. Her vision was starting to go hazy but she couldn't afford to sleep too long, Emma was at a sleep-over and would be expecting her a little later, she didn't want to worry her._

_After all the concern she had apparently caused the previous day Olivia decided to put a safety net in place just in case and wanted to be sure Emma would be okay. To put her mind at ease she rolled onto her back and stretched out to grab the phone dialing Ava with no luck. The effects of the pill were making her feel heavy and knowing she had to get through to someone before she succumbed there was only one person really whom she could call._

"_Hey, what's up? Olivia, are you there? _

_Aware that sleep was already pulling at her and her thoughts were becoming fuzzy, Olivia hadn't realized the call had connected and was rather surprised to hear Natalia's voice so close, "Yeah, I'm here." _Just barely._ Her voice was starting to slur with the effort it was taking to open her mouth fully to speak but she had to explain, "Look, I'm trying to reach Ava but she must have her phone turned off."_

"_What's the matter? You sound funny. What happened? _

Did she?_ "Tired," she really needed to get out what she needed to say and soon, she was slipping, "Listen, I wanted to tell you that Emma's at a sleep-over at Cady Wilson's house. Her number's on my desk, just in case…"_

"_In case what?"_

_Natalia sounded confused, maybe this was an imposition she was calling up out of the blue, "I'm sorry I bothered you." She apologized and rolled over; sleep so very close now the phone fell from her hand._

_She didn't know how long she dozed, her dreams had been filled with strange images which upon waking were difficult to recall and left her only with a sense of dread. She was hot and flushed and there was a pain in her chest which almost took her breath away. Trying to dispel any panic the pain evoked she sat up and breathed as deep as she dared, expelling several long breaths before stumbling into her bathroom and confronting her image in the mirror. Her eyes instinctively zeroed in on the scar line rising up from her cleavage and she placed a hand tentatively upon it trying not to let her fear get the better of her._

_Her legs suddenly wobbly, she quickly sat down on the toilet. She hadn't experienced pain like this for some time and briefly wondered if her aerobic attempts earlier were responsible, inadequate as they seemed at the time. Leaning back on the wall for support she looked down to her chest again, seeing it up close and for real, not as her reflection showed it._

_Holding both hands to her chest she took another calming breath and assumed an almost meditative pose. She didn't want to but if she had to there were always more drugs she could take. Closing her eyes she concentrated on her breathing._

_It wasn't working, the pain was still there._

_Forcing herself to her feet she retrieved her pain medication for once thankful she had so many bottles of the stuff she didn't have to go far to get it. She was feeling shaky again and hot, the floor suddenly both inviting and yet such a long way away. Using the sink and the cistern for support she somehow lowered herself to the ground and took another pill._

_On top of her previous pill the effect was almost immediate and she slumped back against the wall grateful for any opportunity to slip into oblivion for just a few minutes at least._

_Someone was calling for her, she could hear it, it seemed to be coming from somewhere in the distance. Her thoughts still a little fuzzy she tried to focus, picking up on the sound of someone approaching and then someone was kneeling down before her._

"_What?" She was confused and a little disorientated, trying to put together why it was she was sitting sprawled on her bathroom floor and why Natalia was yelling at her._

"_What the hell did you do?"_

"_What?" Had she done something? _

_Natalia's hand reached for hers and tried to take the pill bottle from her grip, "What are you doing?"_

_Why was she taking her pills? She needed them, they were hers damn it, "They're mine."_

_Grappling to reclaim the bottle Natalia won the tug of war and after examining the contents accused, "Did you take the whole thing?_

"_Don't be an idiot." _Did she think…?

"_What the hell were you thinking?" Natalia sounded fierce, scolding her, "What about your daughter?"_

_Olivia, still woozy was starting to realize how her current predicament must look and began to defend herself, "Do you honestly think I was trying to...?"_

_Natalia was determined and having none of it, "Get up," she demanded._

_Olivia didn't want to get up, wasn't actually sure whether she could, "No this is..."_

"_Get up, I said."_

_A hand appeared in front of her obviously intending to aid her return to her feet and understanding from her tone Natalia was not going to accept no as an answer she took it, groaning as she rose._

"_Get you moving now..."_

"_Oh please…"_

_Natalia was physically manhandling her, one arm wrapped around her the other firmly gripping her arm and forcing her to walk._

"_I'll take you to the E.R. and get your stomach pumped."_

"_Ew... You're not getting my stomach pumped." _What on earth?_ Olivia had experienced that before and had no intention of reliving it again. She found her attention split between trying to put one foot in front of the other, trying to understand what Natalia was doing and needing quite desperately to get her own point across if for nothing else than to not have to keep walking, "Listen to me, I'm trying…"_

_They reached the far wall and Natalia spun her around again. Olivia was incapable of providing much resistance as Natalia gripped at her arms but then considered it was probably a good thing as it helped keep her balance. She could have done without the berating however._

"_Oh God, poor girl, life is so hard. It's unfair; it's unfair for everybody, you just…just..." Clearly there was more she wanted to say but instead she threw her arm around Olivia's back and pushed her to start walking once more, "Let's go, keep moving."_

"_What are you talking about? Listen, I'm trying to..." They reached the other wall and wrestled with each other as Natalia physically turned her yet again to return back the other way. "Look, I didn't eat, okay? I didn't eat and I took the pills. I forgot to eat and so I'm tired, okay?"_

_Her legs wanted to give way and she really wanted to sit down. While she had come to understand what Natalia was doing, it really wasn't necessary._

"_You're tired? I know. You're tired of life, you're tired of living, you're tired of fighting."_

_Olivia had tried to turn, convinced they were going to head back in the other direction again when Natalia surprised her and taking her by her upper arms, spun her towards the drawer unit lined with photos of her children, "You know what? Your daughters want you to live."_

"_I know!"_

"_Alright well then move!"_

_Olivia was starting to feel dizzy with the way she was being thrown about. A short time ago she had found a moment of blissful respite, albeit crashed out on her bathroom floor but really, this wasn't helping. While impressed by both Natalia's physical strength and her strength of will, Olivia had had enough, "Would you stop. I just… Stop it!" She finally wrestled free from Natalia's grasp. "I didn't try to kill myself."_

"_That bottle is empty."_

_Defending herself Olivia pointed out, "The pills, they fell on the floor earlier." She looked down where they lay scattered, "I didn't feel like picking them up. I was waiting for the maid."_

"_Okay, and the phone call about Emma, and the just in case..."_

"_Just in case I fell asleep, not just in case I croaked. Alright, I'm sleepy, I'm not suicidal. Don't turn this into the movie of the week." She sighed heavily and glancing down noticed the tip of her scar, "I just got my chest unzipped, okay? It hurts, so I took a pill." No that wasn't right, "Maybe two," she corrected. "I'm sleepy, okay? That's all," Olivia allowed her embarrassment to mingle with her pain and anger and realized she didn't want Natalia to see this. "Get out," she demanded and waved Natalia in the direction of the door._

"_I'm just going to take the rest of these pills."_

_Natalia made to go back into the bathroom, her faith in Olivia's explanation clearly not one hundred percent. Fueled by her rapidly growing anger and discovering some inner strength of her own it was Olivia's turn to grab at Natalia's arm and physically move her in the other direction, "No, just get out."_

"_I will leave when I take the rest of those pills because you're going to stay alive, whether you like it or not."_

_There was something captivating about Natalia's face as she stood there vowing to keep Olivia alive once again and Olivia recognized there had been fear laced within the younger woman's anger._

_Interesting._

_It was a standoff._

* * *

><p>Olivia reached for the door handle as Natalia grabbed her shoulder and turned her back to face her.<p>

"What are you doing?"

"I have to go," she struggled again, "Let me go!"

_Did she just growl?_ Natalia stepped back, the look in Olivia's eyes full of worry, fear and threat.

Unsure what to do, Natalia was desperate to keep Olivia from scaring Emma again like she had last night. Hating herself for having to do it, there was only one thing she could think of that would help. Dreading the consequences of her actions Natalia approached Olivia and raised her hand.

_SLAP!_

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 20th May 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=4r9Br08YsvQ with thanks to OtaliaHD for the clips


	17. Chapter 17

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 17**

Time stopped.

Two pairs of eyes reflected horror, hurt and shame and like some carnival mirror their similar actions were distorted as one raised a hand to cover their mouth in shock while the other covered their cheek, the skin still tingling with heat where it had momentarily flared with pain.

"Oh my God, Olivia, I'm so sorry." Natalia moved toward the frozen woman, her stinging hand outstretched in apology.

Olivia flinched away rebuking the effort with eyes that radiated such a wealth of emotion Natalia could feel her own eyes begin to water in sympathy.

"Please, Olivia, I didn't know what else to do." Still no response, Natalia opened her mouth to try again, "I was…"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Natalia blinked, "I'm sorry?"

"You heard me. Where do you get off…?"

"Now wait a minute, just wait a minute," Natalia reached for Olivia's arm and grabbing it, forced her to look at her. "I was thinking of Emma."

The expressive eyes flicked towards her demanding more and knowing she finally had Olivia's undivided attention she went on, "Don't you think that child is scared enough without you charging in there screaming 'Fire!' where there isn't one?"

Still bristling from the smarting on her face, Olivia rubbed her cheek and lowered her hand, her stare finally breaking away to look down. She sniffed and shook her head, "I thought there was a fire."

"Obviously but there isn't Olivia, you have to believe me. Do you honestly think I'd be stood here arguing with you if I thought we were in danger? If I thought Emma was in danger?"

Olivia frowned, "But I could smell smoke, I swear it…"

"Hey," the situation calmer now, Natalia pulled on the arm she still held and dragged Olivia away from the door to sit next to her on the bed. Clearly still lost in thought the confused woman complied and sat, her head tilting to one side as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. "When I came in here," Natalia continued, "I think you were dreaming again."

"Hm?" Olivia broke off from her thoughts and grasped onto Natalia's words as if to save herself from drowning, "I was?"

"Yeah, you'd managed to get yourself fairly well entangled and you were trying to escape."

Olivia listened, hopeful for any explanation for her behavior that wouldn't have her carted off to Ravenwood, once in a lifetime was more than enough for that thank you very much.

"I was trying to help you when you started mumbling about fire and then the next thing I know you were at the door." Natalia looked down at her hands before meeting Olivia's eyes head on, "Olivia, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't but you were…"

"What? What was I?" She couldn't stop there; she needed to understand what was happening. She was starting to believe she was going to go insane if she wasn't there already.

"You, you called me Ava."

Olivia blinked, "I did?"

"Yeah, you said something about how you had to go and that you'd send somebody back for me?"

Olivia's hand covered her mouth, her eyes brimming with unshed tears and her shoulders hitched.

"What?" Natalia was trying to understand why her friend looked so upset again. "What is it? Did I say something wrong? Oh my God, I didn't really hurt you did I?"

Olivia shook her head and snorted a bit at Natalia's last comment. She had taken harder knocks than that in her life. No, what was upsetting to Olivia was that she was finally beginning to piece together elements of her dream.

She wiped her eyes and pulled her hair back behind her ear smiling slightly, "No," she assured, "you didn't really hurt me."

"Phew, well… that's a relief," Natalia flashed hesitant dimples at her and simultaneously taking her hand and making eye contact with her asked, "Then what is it? You can tell me Olivia."

She knew she could and couldn't understand why she was being so reluctant, why she was holding so much back… what point in the end would it actually serve?

Natalia had never judged her she realized, only made her see herself in a different way and maybe that was why she was choosing to hold some things, things which in her mind were appallingly disgraceful, back. She was already ashamed and she feared this time Natalia would finally see her for who she really was and she didn't think her heart could take seeing herself reflected in those disappointed dark eyes.

Natalia squeezed her hand again and Olivia looked up and into a face, so trusting, supportive and strong and unbelievably full of faith in _her_.

Her breath caught.

It shouldn't really still surprise her how this slight woman always managed to find a way to make her talk about things, _really_ talk about how she was feeling. She was capable of making her divulge some of her darkest thoughts, change her perspective and do things she had no intention of doing. She had done it before after all.

* * *

><p><em>Olivia was huddled under her bedcovers. Somehow she just couldn't muster up the energy to move or to care and accepted it was easier to lie there and wallow. She knew she was being despondent, withdrawing away from everyone and everything but she hated herself, simple as that.<em>

But is it really as simple as that…_ she wondered, _nothing in my life is normally_._

_Her thoughts dark she considered her morning._

_Earlier, after spending another restless night with her mind drifting in contemplation, she had finally managed to find a position comfortable to lie in, unconcerned it was a little unorthodox to be stretched out on the floor and uncaring beyond the brief respite from pain it afforded her. _

_She had wanted to escape._

_She had wanted her mind to switch off and allow her a moment, just one peaceful moment away from her guilt and self-recrimination._

_Instead she ended up having to deal with 'St Natalia' who insisted upon helping her up off the floor, tidying up her room and ensuring she had a nurse to look after her._

_She had found it hard to fully engage with her, her mind annoyingly sluggish even as it latched onto the one thought determined to burn its way into her brain and she was unable to prevent herself from saying it out loud, perhaps hopeful it would have the desired effect of finally chasing the meddlesome woman away._

"_I need to die."_

_She knew it was a mistake the moment she said it, sensing the younger woman would be even more single-minded than usual in her refusal to leave her alone and let her be._

_While a tiny locked in part of her was silently cheering Natalia on and applauding her persistence, the rest of Olivia raged, she had a plan and she was sticking to it._

_She had threatened to fire her and was taken aback not only by Natalia's verbal response, an insulting attack reminiscent of a parent berating a small child which triggered an unwanted childhood memory in her, but also by her inability to follow through on her threat._

_Why didn't she just fire her?_

_It bothered her slightly how Natalia had called her on her behavior and it baffled her why this woman insistently refused to leave._

_Thinking her demands were quite clear she sighed as Natalia opened a bottle of water and hated the sound of desperation in her voice as she tried again, "You need to move along, please." Her anger spent and exhaustion setting in she rubbed at her eyes, hopeful Natalia would get the hint. "Go back to work. The customers will complain."_

"_What do you care? You'll be dead." The bottle hit the table with a resounding and final thud as if to punctuate her words._

_Mindful of Natalia's cold tone, Olivia observed thoughtfully, "And you'll be happy."_

_Natalia had crossed the room to place some flowers on her bedside unit, perhaps intent on reminding her of the beauty of life but her words were harsh, "If that's what it would take to get rid of this sick feeling, to make me stop missing Gus every second of every day, then I would close up this room and leave you in here to rot. Believe me, I wish it had been you that died. And I will wish that every day for the rest of my life."_

_The words should hurt but they didn't, they couldn't even begin to scratch the surface of her own self-hatred. Olivia played with her hair as her eyes focused outside the room but she was listening and she calmly absorbed them, using them as fuel to her fire._

_Unaware of what her eyes were physically seeing as her thoughts spiraled inward Olivia spoke, "You know, if you wish it enough and you want it really bad, it will happen."_

"_What are you talking about?"_

_Olivia finally gave voice to the truth which harmed her and caused her more pain than she thought she could bear, "I made Gus die."_

_She was pleased she had been able to say it and comforted it was ultimately Natalia who heard her confession._

_There was no sound in the room and Olivia was almost disappointed when Natalia didn't immediately agree with her._

_The younger woman was obviously taking a moment to absorb this piece of information and Olivia, to some extent unburdened by her statement but still unwilling to look her in the eye, could sense her circle the bed before she spoke._

"_Gus died in a motorcycle accident."_

"_It's my fault."_

"_In a way, yes, he was looking for you."_

_Olivia snapped out of her fugue understanding how she now needed to make Natalia understand as she did. "You don't get it. You don't get it," she said again._

_As she watched Natalia cross the room to her balcony doors Olivia sat forward, "I prayed, I prayed so hard for a heart. I didn't care who died."_

_She was talking to Natalia's back as she opened the doors and noticed the slump of her shoulders, the brief hanging of her head before she held herself up again and Olivia continued to bombard her with her truth, "I just never said, 'God, please, don't make it someone that I know and love.' And that's..."_

_She couldn't go on. Natalia had turned, daylight entering the room for the first time in days and casting a glow around her. She had to look away, feelings of regret, anger, unworthiness and sorrow once again overwhelming her._

_Natalia's voice sounded her disbelief as she asked, "Do you think God let Gus die to answer your prayer?"_

_Olivia realized how it sounded, how egotistical it must appear but she had been thinking about this over and over and over. From the moment she had awoken from surgery and learned the truth of her reprieve it had consumed her every thought. Another of God's little jokes on her she was sure. How many other times in the past had she caused irreparable harm to the people she loved with her words alone?_

"_Yeah," her eyes watered, "I guess you think it unlikely that God would listen to me at all."_

_When there was no immediate response she turned to look at Natalia who swallowed and began to pace, clearly feeling some careful consideration of her question was called for._

_She watched her pace the room, her fingers playing and pulling at her bottom lip, deep in thought._

_Olivia was sure Natalia had puzzled something out but was trying to work out how to put it into words. "What? Say it?" she demanded in a wispy voice, her very words tinged with apathy._

_Natalia dropped her hand and faced her, "God loves everyone, even you."_

_Olivia wanted to laugh in her despair but instead remained quiet, waiting to hear what other pearls of wisdom the younger woman had to offer her._

"_But I don't believe that it was your prayer that took Gus away," Natalia continued. "And I think that there must be a reason, and I hope that someday I can understand what that reason was. But it wasn't because you were hoping and wishing for a heart."_

_Unable to either laugh or cry she fell back on sarcasm, "I feel so much better."_

"_Do you?"_

"_No!" Olivia couldn't believe the hopeful look on Natalia's face as she asked her that. "You can spout all you want to, but I know what I did."_

_She was resigned now. "I know what I did," she virtually whispered again, "And I can't live with it. I won't."_

"_And I can't just let you die. Not with Gus' heart inside you."_

"_No," Olivia cut in, her soul stinging from hearing Natalia's underlying reason for caring whether she lived or died. It had to be about Gus, of _course_ it was going to be about Gus, how could she… what was she hoping for? Remember how dangerous it is to hope and pray… "I'll call the police." _

"_Oh, good. Call them and then they'll take you to the hospital and like it or not they will keep you alive."_

_Olivia felt trapped and like any trapped, wounded animal went on the attack, words her most powerful weapon, "You know I, for the life of me, cannot understand how Gus settled for a stupid, self-righteous woman like you. He deserved so much better."_

_At last she had found the right thing to say to make the woman leave as Natalia stopped in her tracks, looked heavenward and moved toward the door, pausing only briefly with her back to the room before finally exiting without a further word._

_She thought it was what she wanted._

_Not moving from her spot the room suddenly seemed very lonely and as the minutes slowly turned her utter grief and depression overwhelmed her again._

_Sending all of the items on her bedside unit including her medicines crashing to the floor Olivia burst into tears, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gus. I'm sorry! I miss you."_

_Crying herself out she lay there, surprised when the door lock whirred and Natalia entered her room once more. She couldn't hold back the sigh._

"_Yeah, I'm back." Natalia threw her keycard onto the other bedside unit as she climbed onto the bed next to her, "And I'm staying."_

_Olivia didn't understand, Natalia was settling herself into a comfortable spot next to her on her bed and announcing, "I'm going to keep you alive."_

_Truthfully, at that moment she experienced awe._

_Never had anyone shown her the level of persistence this woman seemed to._

_Now it was several hours later and Olivia lay bundled up in bed unwilling to move or gather the energy to care. Her mind actively reviewing her day and chewing on the things Natalia had said even as she was determined to hold onto her self-loathing._

_She was alone, Natalia had left a while ago and Olivia assumed it was due to her new tactic of non-engagement, choosing instead to become mired down in her thoughts. Experience taught her nobody ever really sticks around for long._

_The door whirred and opened._

"_Oh, you're back." Olivia sighed heavily. _Some people just take longer to leave, go already, leave me be.

_She noticed Natalia was carrying a tray with a brown paper bag on it and dreaded the inevitable._

"_Time for lunch," she announced dropping the keycard down on the unit again in what was becoming a practiced habit. "It was really fun charging your account."_

_The tray was placed over her and Natalia removed the bag, "I am going to have a burger and some fries, and you're going to have soup."_

She brought me food?_ Olivia simply stared at her._

_She really didn't know what to feel as the containers were laid out on the tray for her and Natalia took her own food over to the dresser so she could sit and eat with her. She certainly hadn't expected this. Truthfully not having the energy or desire to eat she watched as Natalia consumed another fry on her way over to her._

"_Your soup is going to get cold. You have to eat, build up your strength."_

"_Didn't you hear a word that I s..."_

"_I heard you. You think you want to die. Too bad. Gus didn't want to die. Gus loved life. And now all that is left of him is his big, beautiful heart, in there. I'm not going to let it go to waste."_

_Natalia sighed heavily and pushed the soup container and spoon closer to her, "You're just like Rafe when he was a baby."_

Great, now I'm being compared to a baby._ "This is my punishment. God is making me spend time with you."_

"_God gave you a gift. He obviously loves you."_

_Olivia was having a hard time seeing it that way, "You need to take your God and your soup and leave me alone."_

"_You are a horrible, ungrateful person."_

_It was like tennis, she would serve and Natalia would volley. It didn't seem to matter what she said, Natalia just answered her back. It was infuriating._

_Knowing it would sound childish she countered, "Yeah, so?"_

"_Do you think Gus would want you to squander the gift you've been given?"_

"_I don't know. I'll ask him when I see him."_

"_No! You've already destroyed enough. You have no right..."_

"_There's nothing you can do!" Her mind was made up and on course again._

"_Okay." Natalia put her food down on the dresser and walked back to the bed and around it, "Fine. You win."_

_Olivia watched her leave convinced she had seen the last of her and proving her adage true once more._

_She moved the tray away from her the thought of food turning her stomach and for the first time in hours climbed out of bed. She wanted a different view of the room and made it as far as her chair, collapsing onto it and falling into a light doze from the exertion, disgusted at her lack of strength and stamina. It gave her some maudlin hope she wouldn't have to wait long for the end._

_When she next opened her eyes Ava was there but thankfully Emma wasn't with her._

_Ava was excited, overly so in Olivia's opinion and she listened to her enthusing about her desire to have a baby with an almost decided lack of interest. Ava's expectant joy could not seem to penetrate through the veil of Olivia's guilt._

_She had known there was no baby and that it had simply been a ruse, she wasn't a stupid woman but the most she could offer to her impatient child was the hard truth that it was hard to wait._

_She was waiting._

_When Ava left she had dozed again her life reduced to a pitiful cycle of sleep, apathy and guilt infused wakefulness. Waking again, she levered herself from the chair and crossed to her dresser to view the photos of her two daughters. She knew she should feel something looking at them but was incapable even of feeling fear that she felt nothing._

_As apathy reclaimed her yet again she stumbled over to the bed, crawling into it once more and pulling the covers over her in hopes she could just sleep her way out of existence._

_Several hours passed and when she next woke thinking she would go insane from staring at the same four walls or being left to wander the corridors of her mind, switched on her set and subjected herself to the horrors of daytime television._

_Natalia reentered the room and taking control picked up the remote to turn off the TV, "Too much of this is no good."_

"_Yeah. It's murder."_

She came back… again, she actually came back.

_Olivia said nothing as Natalia put down the remote and turned back to the carrier bag she had brought in with her._

"_Okay. Let's see what we have," she said perkily as she reached into the bag. "We have juices. We have two kinds of smoothies, strawberry and mango, one is non-dairy. And, oh look, more soup."_

_Unsure what to make of the continued upbeat tone or the tingle of sensation beneath her chest, Olivia remained lying there._

"_The only thing I don't have in here is alcohol," Natalia advised._

"_That's too bad." Olivia would have happily consumed some right about now because that at least would explain the unnerving, giddy sensation welling up inside._

"_There's got to be something in here that you would like."_

"_Stop it. You can't make me eat." She knew she was being childish and stubborn, the woman in her room tempting her to eat always seemed to bring out that side of her but for once she wasn't embarrassed by it, in fact she found it freeing to find someone who just dealt with it, more than that, would call her on it and keep coming back for more._

She came back.

_She looked up at her trying to ignore the twinge of hunger she suddenly felt._

_Natalia returned the look, "I'm not a quitter, like you."_

_Olivia stared at her. Was she? There had been moments in the past when her feelings of rejection had pushed her to make some bad choices but she never really thought of herself as a quitter. Regardless of what she thought of herself though, it intrigued her that Natalia's comment could spark some other emotion in her other than guilt or shame._

_There was that sense of awe again and this time it was amplified by a wave of fascination. Olivia was completely fascinated with this woman who continually defied her demands and wishes and who plainly refused to allow Olivia to die._

_Internally experiencing a complete shift of thinking Olivia quietly and quickly said, "Strawberry."_

"_I'm sorry?"_

_She could hear the surprised but hopeful and pleased tone in the question and somehow resigning herself to the knowledge she was not going to win this one clearly stated again, "Strawberry."_

* * *

><p>Back then surrendering to the other woman had been as simple as a single word and Olivia would be forever grateful to this woman who had become the keeper of her heart, in more ways than one.<p>

She nodded and began, "I didn't get it before. It wasn't that I was trying to keep something from you, it was that I didn't have all the pieces and…and now, I get it. Well, some of it."

Natalia was a very patient woman, Olivia knew this but she could tell her waffling around the point wasn't helping matters. She tried again.

"A couple of years ago at the Beacon, there was a fire."

"Oh," Natalia sounded surprised, "was anybody hurt?"

"No, well… Mallet had smoke inhalation and well it depends what you mean by hurt?"

"I'm taking it no one died?"

"No." Olivia shook her head.

"Then what happened? What has you thinking about that now?"

Olivia let out a heavy breath, as much to dispel the unwanted return of the queasy sensation in her stomach as to gather her thoughts, "When the fire broke out I was in my office. I uh… I wasn't alone."

"Okay."

Olivia seemed to have stalled again and Natalia squeezed the hand she was holding, encouraging her to go on.

"Ava was with me. We were arguing, thinking back on it we actually spent quite a lot of our time back then arguing. There had been some malicious gossip posted on the internet targeting a lot of people in the area, myself included…" Olivia almost winced in pain at the memories that damn blogger had unearthed and had to shut her eyes as the hateful and hurtful 'Remember Labor Day' scrolled in flames across her mind. In many ways, that was what had set this all in motion but she really didn't want to have to go there, not now. She shook herself, "Anyway there was something about it and Ava's attitude toward it which made me think she was behind it all."

"Was she?" Natalia could vaguely recall hearing someone discuss this sordid moment in Springfield's past but really knew very little about it and watching Olivia's reaction wondered what exactly had someone posted about her that had her paling and her palms becoming slick_._

"No, it wasn't her but I was convinced at the time. She was working for me and this blogger," Olivia sighed again, desperate to explain this the right way so Natalia would understand but without having to go into detail. "They seemed to know things only someone with connections like Ava could know so I called a meeting with her in my office. At some point during our discussion we became aware of the smell of smoke. At first, I thought it was Fritz burning something in the kitchen, he used to have this nasty habit of dipping into the wine cellar when he was cooking…"

Olivia appeared to fade off into memory again and Natalia prompted, "But it wasn't him?"

"No, it wasn't. I was so blasé, so sure the alarms would go off I mean, I can't afford to panic every time the cook gets drunk right?"

The indignation had Natalia nodding in agreement.

"Anyway, the smoke got thicker and that's when we realized there was a bigger problem. I remember trying the door and then warning Ava the handle was hot when she felt my efforts weren't sufficient but she was determined and as she's trying to find a way to open the door I remember my heart plummeting…" Echoes from the dream washed over her causing her to shiver in reaction, "It was about the time when Emma would be back and I had no idea if she was in the building."

"That must've been terrifying for you." Natalia felt the shudder, her thumb stroking over goosebumps like Braille.

"It was. As you know, Emma is my world and the thought…" her already churning insides flip-flopped and she gulped down a breath, pushing the thought aside, "I had to find her. All the phone lines were dead and I had stupidly left my cell."

"What did you do? What happened?"

With the recent soundtrack from her dream playing in her mind she vividly recalled the confusion, could smell the acrid smell of smoke burning her nasal hairs and making her eyes sting. She wanted to cough convinced she was breathing it in and then the bang… she swallowed, desperate to moisten the inside of her mouth.

"There was an explosion." Olivia heard Natalia gasp beside her, "The door Ava had been struggling with came off its hinges and trapped her, she was completely pinned down and there was no way I could save her. I tried, I promise you I tried but Emma was out there and she was my little girl."

Tears had begun a steady flow down Olivia's face and Natalia waited somehow knowing there was more.

"I left Ava there."

Maybe it was the dream, the way it had brought it all to the forefront of her mind, maybe it was because she was rundown and her defenses were low, maybe it was because Natalia was there and she had an uncontrollable desire to have this woman of extraordinary virtue understand her and provide some form of absolution but at that moment it was as if she was reliving it again and she needed to justify her actions. Desperately, her heart rate increasing as panic set in she explained, "I couldn't lift the door, it was too heavy and I had to get to Emma. I knew I could send someone back for Ava, I promised her I would but… I left her there, screaming at me not to leave."

As Olivia's face crumbled with the weight of sorrow for what followed, Natalia pulled her towards her chest and held her as she cried.

They sat for a few minutes; Natalia hated seeing Olivia like this but was convinced this was something that was long overdue. She knew she had had a difficult year with her health, with Ava and she was learning from snatches of the past how this year was one in a series of a very complicated and at times painful life.

While her own life had not been all sunshine and roses Natalia did at least have her faith and she took comfort in that.

She wished for Olivia's sake she could take it all away and as she contemplated what Olivia had told her she asked herself what she would have done and how she would have felt in that situation?

Absently she stroked back Olivia's hair enjoying its luxurious texture as it fell through her fingers and idly thought how much it reminded her of Olivia; rich, strong, layered and full of body. It encouraged her and filled her with renewed spirit, together they would tackle this, whatever it was because Natalia knew there was more, there had to be and together she was finding they made a good team.

When the tears died down Olivia did not pull away. Her stomach was unsettled but she was calmer now, the fingers raking through her hair and massaging her scalp sending pleasant tingles down her body and serving to remind her of when Natalia washed her hair.

Allowing her thoughts to clear her and thinking she may have mislead Natalia she said, "I didn't know at the time."

"Know what?"

"That she was my daughter." Olivia waited, this was where it was going to get tricky, "I often wonder how different things would have been if I had known from the start who she was."

"What do you mean?" Natalia's curiosity was truly peaked now. If Olivia _hadn't_ known Ava was her daughter then how on earth could she be expected not to choose to save her flesh and blood in such a serious situation? It was something about the way Olivia said it which had Natalia sensing there was something more to this. When Olivia had previously discussed her dreams she had stated they accused her of being 'undeserving' of her children and that she 'hurt' them. Was that it? Leaving Ava trapped under a door while a fire raged? Somehow it didn't ring true, no one could blame Olivia for her actions, so what was it?

Olivia shifted slightly and realized now with her head so close to Natalia's there was a faint smell of smoke upon her hair, "Have you been smoking?"

"No." Natalia was both disgusted at the implication and puzzled by the question in the midst of all her inner musings.

"Your hair, it smells smoky."

"Huh? Oh yeah, I was outside earlier, there was a bonfire." Not wanting the conversation to drift when she felt she was finally going to get some answers she guided Olivia back on track. "What did you mean Olivia? About how things would have been different?"

Olivia sat up, regaining her wits after her little episode and unsure she was willing to unburden herself of all the other unkind acts she had perpetrated towards her eldest daughter. What she needed was to quiet her upset stomach and fearful she would be unable to eat anything and that Natalia would frown upon a request for alcohol asked, "Do we have any coffee?"

"I had some brewing earlier, I don't know if it's still any good." Natalia recognized the deflection.

"I think I need some." She rubbed her brow and moved to stand, wincing as she did so.

"Good Lord, Olivia when did you do that?" Natalia's attention refocused, her hand reaching toward Olivia's hip.

Olivia had already turned her head to view the offending limb. With the adrenaline from the dream wearing off and her concentration no longer focused on her recollection of the past, various aches and pains were making themselves known to her, most notably at the moment the throbbing from her right side.

Releasing a sharp pained breath as her fingers accidentally connected with the rapidly darkening area along her hip and taking a moment to evaluate similar sensations on her shoulder and knee, it occurred to her the tumble she had taken from the bed earlier that morning had been more impacting than she had initially realized, not that her mind had been on much of anything at the time other than seeing her daughter.

"Must've been when I fell out of bed," she tried for whimsical, thinking how ridiculous it sounded for a grown woman to fall out of bed but Natalia was eyeing her and Olivia could tell she was primed to ask more questions.

"Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?" Natalia was already reaching out to tackle clothing in her concern to see what other damage had been done.

_Hmm, lie or tell the truth?_ Olivia considered her options. _Is there really any point in lying? She's going to find out anyway, somehow she always does. Besides, there are bigger secrets to keep._

Olivia nodded, "My shoulder, I think I caught it when I landed and," she tested her weight on her knee and received an uncomfortable twinge in answer, "I might have twisted my knee a little."

Natalia's eyes zeroed in on the knee in question and her fingers gently probed around the flesh there, "It doesn't feel swollen but maybe you should sit down again and I'll get some ice to…" she trailed off as she remembered she didn't have any ice, no frozen goods, all the food and accessories they had Buzz had provided for them last night and as she hadn't expected them to stay… She looked up at Olivia apologetically, "I don't have any ice."

Olivia couldn't help it, she laughed. Natalia looked so endearingly sorry. "It's okay, it's just a bruise. I've had them before; no doubt I'll have them again."

Natalia frowned and pulled her unhappy face, she didn't like the idea of Olivia being hurt however minor and cavalier about it the older woman chose to be. Only the other night she had seen the bruises again from their trip away, barely healed and yet here were new ones already turning lurid in colour. With particular concern for her much maligned shoulder Natalia was unable to refrain from checking again, "Are you sure?"

"Really, it's fine." Even though her side was stinging like a bitch now she was aware of it, Olivia limped to the chair where her jeans lay and picked them up, "And I think I better check on Emma."

"You didn't answer my question."

Confused at the tone of Natalia's statement, Olivia looked up from her task to meet her curious stare head on.

"About what you meant Olivia? About how things would've been different?"

Fumbling with her jeans she braced to take the weight on her right leg while she covered her left and cursed mildly under her breath as she bent her right leg to repeat the action. Pulling them up to her waist she scraped over the developing bruise at her hip and fastened them, the snug fit in some ways helping to alleviate the pain.

Preferring not to answer, certainly not until she had that all important cup of coffee, she reiterated, "I need to check on Emma," and made to make her escape.

Natalia called after her, determined, "Hey, we're not done."

Olivia stopped, her head hanging, "No, I know." She turned and smiled, "But we are for now."

With that she left the room.

To be continued…

Flashback scene taken from episodes 17th and 18th April 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=UgbvPJSpf8k and here:.com/watch?v=IIAMVFyeVB8...feature=related with thanks to OtaliaNut for the clips.


	18. Chapter 18

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 18**

Natalia watched as the door closed on Olivia's retreating back. Having no reason not to believe Olivia would want to check on Emma, she was nevertheless in awe of the woman's perfectly executed escape and found it hard to conceal her irritation when she had been so close to finally having some answers even though they ultimately raised more questions.

One which suddenly jumped up and struck her in the face was how on earth Olivia didn't know Ava was her child?

Looking up to the heavens and shaking her head with a resigned sigh she said a prayer for strength, spared a thought for her son and then made her own way out of the room to start on breakfast. Olivia would be along soon enough and Natalia could be patient, it was something she had in abundance.

~/\~

Olivia limped across the landing and carefully pushed opened the door to Emma's room trying to make as little noise as possible. She wanted the opportunity to spy on her daughter sleeping and experienced the warm jolt of motherhood as she found her laying curled up, one arm over the top of the cover and looking as angelic as earlier.

Stepping further into the room and now desperate to find out if her nighttime craziness had caused any irreparable harm, Olivia crossed to the beautifully made up bed and in deference to her stiffening knee, sank cautiously onto it. She reached down to sweep Emma's hair back from her face and smiled at the cute nose twitching in response.

Yawning, Emma turned and her eyelids fluttered open, "Mom?"

"Hey sweetie, did you have a good sleep?" Olivia mentally crossed her fingers that Emma, while still too young to reply with a sarcastic comment, would not say anything with all the innocence of her youth because somehow, that truth would cut even deeper.

"This bed is the best!" Emma announced as she sat up, scrubbed at her eyes and stretched before continuing to enthuse, "I think this place is amazing mom. Can we stay here again?"

Relieved, Olivia smiled at the hopeful eyes and then hated herself for having to inject a dose of reality. Keeping her tone light she answered, "It's not really our house Em."

Emma lowered her eyes to stare down at the bed covering, "I know." She played with the cover, plucking at it.

Tipping up her chin with her finger, Olivia attempted to find some kind of compromise to put Emma's smile back, "Hey, we still have this morning though."

"We do?" Her eyes shone brightly, "You don't have to go to work?"

"Yes," Olivia nodded, "but not until later."

"Is Natalia still here?"

Wondering why that question seemed so important to Emma and then why the answer meant so much to herself, Olivia replied, "Yes she is," and found herself grinning as she jiggled Emma's leg and moved in to tickle her.

Squealing, they engaged in a tickle fight until the smell of something cooking wafted up to them and curious tummies had them making their way to the source.

~/\~

Natalia truly loved this kitchen. She thought the one at the cabin was a perfect fit but the more time she spent here, the more sure of it she became, she _loved_ this kitchen. Which worked well because she loved to cook.

With the meager remains from last night, Natalia had managed to create a breakfast that was both nutritional and tasty. When Olivia and Emma walked into the kitchen a good ten minutes or so after her, they found the table laid out, a coffee for Olivia, milk for Emma and Natalia ready and waiting to take their order on how they would like their eggs.

Olivia and Emma shared a look as they saw the table and Natalia in her state of readiness. Emma started to giggle.

"Wow, you've been busy," Olivia noted, "I'm surprised you were able to find anything left after last night."

Beaming, Natalia merely waved them to their seats and informed, "Well it's only bread and eggs and whatever other leftovers we have but it'll be better than nothing."

"Uh oh mommy," Emma giggled again.

"What?"

Both Olivia and Natalia looked at the little girl and then to each other wondering what was wrong and why she was laughing.

Emma pointed, "She's armed."

Realisation sunk in as Olivia looked to Natalia and noticed her stood, spatula raised and ready. She snorted, "Uh oh is right Em."

Natalia still looked confused.

"You plan on hitting us with that thing?" Olivia pretended to be scared and batted her lashes at her.

Recalling how she had threatened Olivia with a spatula when they were at the cabin, Natalia narrowed her eyes and playing along, stalked towards her, her voice dropping to ask in mock threat, "You don't really want to find out do you?"

Natalia leaned in very close and Olivia gulped, baffled at how what had started as a remembered past joke had become something else entirely.

"I'll protect you mom!" Emma jumped up and practically launched herself between them.

The spell broke, the moment snapping in time with the toast springing out of the toaster. Spinning back to her chores, Natalia called out, "Who wants scrambled?"

While Emma answered, Olivia tried to calm her accelerated heart rate and sipped at her coffee to buy herself some time.

~/\~

Breakfast was a relatively happy affair, both women watchful; Olivia of Emma and Natalia splitting her attention between mother and daughter.

Natalia wondered if Olivia was even aware of the surreptitious glances Emma kept throwing towards her amidst her barely contained enthusiasm at having more time to explore the surrounding farm land. Within seconds of finishing her food Emma deserted them, disappearing out the door with Olivia's warning not to wander too far sounding at her back.

Alone together again, Natalia put aside her burning questions so they could discuss Olivia's schedule. There was something about throwing a party of some sort for Emma's friends and Natalia immediately volunteered to do some baking for which Olivia was incredibly grateful and secretly charmed by. Natalia could do no less as she still felt Olivia was overdoing it and as this was something she enjoyed did not consider it an additional burden at all.

They also established the schedule would allow for a break this morning, Natalia secretly relieved Olivia would not be rushing back after such a difficult couple of days. Although it was the weekend and Company would likely have a lunchtime rush, Natalia had made the decision her all important need for tip money paled against her desire to help her friend and considered Buzz would understand if she was a little late in, besides he owed her one after last night. She would call him later to let him know.

With the majority of the utensils and remaining food stuffs packed away for return Natalia, nostalgic from her musings of last night, suggested they take their refilled coffee out onto the porch, that way they could keep an eye out for Emma and enjoy the peaceful fresh air.

Olivia agreed and Natalia, aware how chilly it had been earlier that morning and mindful of Olivia's newly acquired bruises, caught herself before reminding Olivia to put on a warm coat. She wasn't her mother after all. Still, she couldn't stop the internal nod of approval as Olivia not only wrapped herself up in her coat but donned her hat and scarf as well.

"What?" Olivia asked when she felt Natalia watching her. "Do I have something on my face? What is it?"

"Huh? Oh nothing," Natalia shook her head and gestured to the door. "Shall we?"

Not convinced, Olivia picked up her coffee and followed her out to the porch. She had a feeling Natalia had plans and with her batteries recharged a little by the sleep and the food contributing to the settling of her stomach she felt fortified to tackle the inevitable questions once more.

Comfortably situated on the porch bench, they sipped at their drinks and indulged in the stillness, Olivia in some ways surprised how much she enjoyed just sitting there. Apart from the enforced rest her illness had imposed upon her she was usually always on the go, constantly looking for the next angle and this was a decidedly welcome change of pace. Of course, it didn't go unnoticed how much her choice of companion affected her evaluation.

They spotted Emma darting about and spinning. Olivia wondered if Natalia recalled how much Emma loved to spin and hid a rueful smile behind another sip of coffee.

"You know," Natalia broke the silence, "I would do anything for that kid."

Olivia nodded, "I know."

They smiled at each other and Olivia made a decision. Not knowing quite how to start but knowing she had to start somewhere she began, "I'd do anything for her too."

"Naturally, you love her Olivia, she's your child and she's adorable."

Nodding again Olivia paused before continuing, "There was a time when I thought I'd lost her." She looked up and out to the distance where Emma was obviously engaged in some childhood game.

Not wanting to lose the mood but hopeful she could get Olivia to tell her more, Natalia probed, "When Phillip took her right? And Gus?" Natalia was still amazed that Gus had done such a thing, especially with someone as sweet as Emma.

Shaking her head now Olivia snorted, "No, not then although obviously I feared for her return those times but there was another time. In some ways it was way worse." She took a short breath as she remembered with vivid clarity the horror of seeing her little girl in the hospital bed, the waiting, the not knowing. "I'd allowed Ava to babysit, a simple thing really, right?" She could still taste the bitterness of her anger, her fear, "And while in her care, Emma somehow managed to drink a bottle of perfume."

"Oh my god, Olivia." Natalia had not been prepared for that and instinctively raised her hand to her mouth in shock, "That's awful. I mean, obviously Emma's alright now but… what happened?"

Olivia watched Emma attempting to catch something on the wind, "Obviously we got her to the hospital but when they pumped her stomach she had an allergic reaction and went into a coma. I was beside myself." Olivia noticed her hands shaking in memory and then lifted her gaze as Natalia's hand clasped around hers and squeezed. "There was so much going on. You have to understand it was a very difficult time for me and I guess you could say that when pushed, when really pushed, I made some really stupid mistakes, some really idiotic, stupid and costly mistakes."

Keen to know more Natalia continued to patiently wait. She knew a thing or two about stupid mistakes, particularly when pushed and she recalled easily the one for which she was still most ashamed.

* * *

><p><em>She had listened to the message. Always prepared to give the benefit of the doubt, Natalia wasn't that naïve to the implications of why Olivia was alone up at the Bauer cabin and while she was disgusted at her obvious attempts to try and stop her marriage to Gus, she found she was more disturbed and actually worried at the possibility Olivia might be having a genuine health crisis.<em>

_Deciding to tackle this head on and finally face this 'woman to woman', Natalia deleted the message and drove up there apprehensive at what she might find._

_Knocking on the door in hopes Olivia was still mobile enough to answer it, Natalia's anger immediately surged when the door was opened by the woman in question who looked positively stunning as she greeted her with a breathy and seductive, "Hi."_

_Unable to contain her annoyance, Natalia sniped, "Didn't anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't mess with a bride on her wedding day?" before she stalked past her and looked around at the cabin layout. "What, no oxygen? You should be better prepared. Your makeup looks perfect, though."_

"_Good. What are you doing here? I'm expecting someone."_

She's so confident, so sure of herself, time I gave her the news,_ "Gus isn't coming. I heard your message and I erased it."_

"_You heard my message?"_

"_Yeah I did... 'Oh, Gus, I'm just... I'm just feeling… short of breath and weak.'" She mocked. _Does she think I'm stupid?

"_I was feeling a little… breathless."_

_As much as she wanted to, Natalia couldn't believe it. "Was that before you did your hair and you put on your lipstick?" When no answer was forthcoming and Olivia regarded her with narrowed eyes, Natalia felt the need to explain something very, very clearly, "I have waited a long time to marry Gus. I'm sorry that your heart is failing but you are not going to ruin this day for me."_

_Candles burned strategically around the cabin and Olivia moved over to a set placed on the table and blew them out, "Well, I have to hand it to you, you are pretty relentless."_

"_Well, I have to be because I'm not just getting married, my son is getting his father." _What is it about this that Olivia isn't getting?

_Olivia looked at her with something close to pity, "You are so living in the past." She moved past her toward the fireplace, "You still see Gus as this leather jacket-wearing guy, sneaking cigarettes and stealing kisses. I mean," She raised her foot onto the nearby chair, "take it from me," Olivia struggled to pull herself up to the lit candles on the mantle; "you can't go back." Huffing out the candles she stepped back down to the floor gracelessly._

"_I don't want to go back."_

"_Is that what you're doing?" Olivia continued her efforts and reached down, "You're kind of," obviously pushing her ability too far she stumbled, dropped to her knees and looked to be on the verge of passing out. She grabbed at the chair and persisted, "reclaiming..."_

_Natalia knew it was easy to forget this woman had a serious heart condition as from the outside, with her perfect make up and styled hair you really couldn't tell but seeing her breathily work her way around the room and nearly faint, she had no intention of watching the woman collapse, "Olivia..."_

"_Just..." her grip on the chair for support tightened, "let me breathe. Just step back, okay? _

"_Okay, well do you… should I call 9-1-1?"_

"_No!" came the immediate barked response, "no."_

"_God, I'm sorry. I don't want you to be sick." She really didn't, watching Olivia as she attempted to pull herself together, gather her strength and draw in each breath, Natalia felt it twist inside her but she had to protect her own family, she was doing this as much for her son as for her, "But I am not going to let you use this to manipulate Gus."_

"_I got that the first ti… time, okay! Back off!"_

_The yelling robbed her of any strength she had regained and Natalia couldn't stand to see her like this, knelt on the floor, shattered, gasping for breath and making every effort to calm down and slow her heart._

"_It's not that we're not going to take care of you- we are going to take care of you, you and Emma, like you're family." She meant it, every word because somehow they were already connected and as much as she hated the manner in which Olivia had tried to get her claws into Gus, she was important. She added the caveat, "at least until you find a guy of your own. _

_Breathing heavily Olivia informed her, "Oh, I have to tell you. I'm dying, so it kind of sucks the air out of a date."_

_Refusing to think negatively and determined to encourage Olivia to look anywhere other than Gus, Natalia began, "Well, once you have the transplant..."_

"If,_ I get the transplant."_

"_You will- have some faith."_

"'_Some faith,' such good advice, St. Natalia. Go!"_

_Natalia turned to leave but didn't want Olivia to think she was obeying her order and besides, although concerned about the state Olivia was in, she couldn't resist one last dig, "You know what? I have to go because I'm going to be late for my own wedding." With that she headed to the door._

_A heavy sigh followed her, "I'm doing so much better than I thought."_

"_What?" Natalia turned back to face her._

"_With Gus. Why else would you be up here on your wedding day? I'm more of a threat than I realized."_

_Choosing not to give weight to Olivia's statement and realizing she was going to be late Natalia offered, "Do you want a ride back to town?"_

"_Why, so you can keep an eye on me?"_

"_No. I don't think you're going to call Gus again."_

"_Don't be so sure."_

_Her anger got the better of her and she rounded on the supremely confident woman seated away from her with an almost smug look on her face, "Why, Olivia? Why Gus? Do you think that he loves you?"_

"_No," Olivia shook her head, "not yet."_

_Natalia really didn't understand, "Why are you tormenting yourself, going after a man who is in love with me?"_

"_Because he's _not_ in love with you. And a part of you must feel that, otherwise you wouldn't be here."_

_Was Olivia right? Why _was_ she here? This was her wedding day and here she was fighting with a woman over a man who had already asked for her hand in marriage and was most likely waiting for her at the altar. Yet Natalia had to admit to some level of concern when she heard the message and had impulsively needed to act on it, if Natalia could put that together then why couldn't Olivia?_

"_See, that doesn't make any sense. I am really trying to help you, you and Emma!"_

"_No. I didn't ask you to." Olivia pushed herself up from the chair._

"_Well, is this how you really want to be spending your time?" Surely the woman would benefit from spending more time with her daughters._

"_Have you ever had a lucky jacket or a pin or something like that?"_

"_Yeah." Natalia wasn't sure where Olivia was going with this and was starting to think that maybe the lack of oxygen to Olivia's brain had affected it._

"_And when you had it on, you felt like fate was on your side, like... like nothing terrible could ever happen to you?" Olivia continued to explain, "That's what Gus is for me. When I'm with him, I feel charmed."_

"_Well, then after today, you can feel 'charmed' from a distance because by tonight, he will be at home with his family, where he belongs."_

"_Or not," Olivia shrugged._

_Natalia studied the flushed face, "What exactly are you planning to do?"_

"_I don't know. I just know you can't stop me."_

"_Oh, yeah?" Natalia saw red, this woman; this aggravating woman just would not give up. She would keep coming and coming and while Natalia was prepared to make allowances, to help out and look after her child, she was not prepared to risk the establishment of her family, not when she had waited so many years for it to come to fruition. Grabbing hold of Olivia's numerous pill bottles she headed toward her, "You're going to want to hold onto these."_

"_Why?"_

_Natalia pushed Olivia's bag into to her arms, Olivia clutching at it in instinct, "Hold that."_

"_What are you doing?"_

"_Hold this, too." She manhandled her, pulled her away from her hold on the mantle and pushed her toward the bathroom door. "Let's go."_

"_What?"_

_Natalia maneuvered Olivia into the smaller room and pulled the door shut behind her, ignoring her as she heard her call out from the other side, "You can't be serious. You can't lock me in here!"_

_She could, she had had enough. If Olivia wasn't prepared to play fair then neither was she. She was going to marry Gus and that was final. "I will be back_ after_ the wedding," she stated and grabbed her own bag on the way to the exit._

_Olivia's cries of, "This isn't funny! You don't understand, this isn't funny!" at her back, Natalia turned victorious and cheerfully advised, "I'll save you a piece of cake."_

_It was only later when she understood what a terrible mistake she had made. They had done it, finally tied the knot and she was Mrs. Aitoro, her family complete after years of struggle and single parenthood looking after a sick child. She had done it and in the midst of celebration Gus took the call which started Natalia's soaring heart into a freefall, plummeting down to horror, guilt, shame and despair._

_They had a heart for Olivia._

"_You mean right now, today?" Natalia was amazed at the timing and waited while Gus finished his call._

"_No," he was saying, "we understand the amount of time is very important. Listen, I'll call you back as soon as I track her down. Thanks."_

_Still dazed Natalia asked, "They just call with a heart just like that?"_

_Gus stared down at his cell, "I don't understand. She's got a beeper; I don't know why she wouldn't be calling them back."_

_Natalia knew. Although she had tasked Rafe with going to let Olivia out, time was now a matter of urgency, "How much time does she have?"_

"_Not a lot of time. You know, I got her name at the top of the list, and they said if they call her and she doesn't answer they'll have to skip over and God knows when... _

_Natalia felt awful, "Ugh, yeah okay, I know where she is."_

"_What?"_

"_She called you earlier today."_

"_No, she didn't." Gus checked his cell, "I don't have any messages."_

"_Yeah, well, she was going to ruin our wedding so I uh…erased it."_

"_But she's got a beeper, she's not answering them."_

_Resigned, Natalia told him, "She's up in the mountains at the Bauer cabin."_

_Gus was studying her, "Well, I have been to the Bauer cabin a million times and you get a full signal up there. Why isn't she getting her messages or calling them back."_

_Knowing there was no way to avoid what she had done Natalia confessed, "Well she would if I hadn't locked her in the bathroom."_

"_You locked her in the bathroom?"_

_Gus was getting mad and Natalia became defensive, "I'm sorry, I didn't know."_

"_Well, now you know."_

_She just stood there as he threw a look of disgust at her, his eyes briefly sizing her up and down as if seeing her for the first time. "Let's hope it's not too late," he stated before turning on his heel and dragging her from the room, her bridal bouquet dropping from her grip. _There's still time, there has to be.

_The car journey was quiet and seemed interminably long. Reaching the cabin Natalia was first through the door and on the way to the scene of the crime as Gus called out, "Olivia?"_

"_She's in there," she told Gus as she handed over the key._

"_She's in there?"_

_Natalia waited, almost afraid at what they would find. She heard Gus and Olivia talking, Olivia's voice very faint as she said something about praying and Gus telling her not to stop as the roads were slippery. Natalia just felt numb, she was becoming very aware of just how stupid it was to lock up a woman with a heart condition and she experienced some small measure of relief as Gus picked Olivia up and carried her from the room. _

_Keeping ahead of them she heard Olivia say, "The hospital beeped me."_

"_I know," Gus said, "I'm going to get you there."_

_Wanting to feel she had at least contributed something positive to this fiasco Natalia advised them, "I'm going to call the cardiac care unit and let them know we're coming."_

_Olivia wouldn't have it though and although her voice was wavering accused in true 'Olivia' fashion, "You left me to die."_

"_No one's dying," Gus glared at Natalia as she held the door open for them as he carried Olivia through, "not while I'm around."_

* * *

><p>It seemed so prophetic now, even though they had arrived too late for the heart, Gus <em>had<em> saved her but Natalia could still hear Olivia's voice as she begged them, as she argued with them that the heart was hers and how she pointedly spat out at her that her actions had only cost Olivia her life. Was it worth it?

Mindful of the person beside her, still alive despite what now seemed petty actions, Natalia moved closer on the bench and squeezed her hand again.

"Tell me what happened, what did you do Olivia?"

To be continued...

Flashback scene taken from episode 8th February 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=CEkaKlCjbrQ with thanks to shelleCR for the clip


	19. Chapter 19

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 19**

"It would be easy to blame my exhaustion, my fear," she reluctantly admitted, "but I know I went insane."

Natalia waited, knowing Olivia the way she had for the last year or so she was well aware of how driven the woman could be when she put her mind to something and could very easily imagine how Olivia's maternal nature would drive her to be with her child. She would be the same if it were Rafe.

"I was convinced, utterly convinced that Ava was to blame."

"But Ava…?" Natalia was having a hard time trying to reconcile the Ava she knew with the accusation Olivia was making. "Why would Ava do something like that?"

"It was because of the fire, because I'd left her there and this was payback, at least that's what I believed at the time. I was so sure it was all her fault my child was lying in a coma and there was nothing I could do, nothing that is except to target my anger on the one person who I believe deserved it."

Hesitant, undecided whether she really wanted an answer to her question or not Natalia asked, "How?"

Olivia shifted slightly in her seat and considered the hand holding hers, its soft skin and confident, gentle strength. She snorted a little in derision, "I went crazy."

She whirled her finger in the universal crazy sign near her head and whistled a cuckoo sound.

Natalia patiently waited. She didn't smile, knowing instinctively Olivia was merely attempting to cover up a deeper hurt with humour.

Uncomfortable her attempts were met with stony silence Olivia shook her head, released a sharp breath and tried to look anywhere but at her companion but it was like she was under a form of hypnosis and she could feel herself surrendering to the penetrating stare. Natalia clearly wanted answers and she would wait until Olivia provided them.

"Do you do that on purpose?"

"What?"

"That thing you do."

"What thing?"

"You know that whole…" Olivia waved a finger to circle the air in front of Natalia's face, "inscrutable expression thing?"

Natalia's brow amazingly furrowed even further. "What?"

Knowing her track record for blurting out completely the wrong thing and not having any intention to be hurtful Olivia quickly backtracked with a, "No really, I mean it's kind of cute."

Twin blushes ignited over suddenly heated skin as Olivia's jaw snapped shut.

Whether it was Natalia's startled expression tinged with… was that pleasure? Olivia was confused, she was used to being flirtatious and really it was a completely harmless thing to say but it seemed a part of her had really meant it, Natalia did look 'cute' and the younger woman's reaction had her starting to really question how she felt about her friend. She realized in that moment how important this woman had become to her, sat here on a porch bench in the chilly fall weather waiting to hear the dastardly deeds of her not so distant past with a calm, non-judgmental attitude. How did she get so lucky?

She cleared her throat and smiled shyly, her eyes flicking to Natalia's face and away again.

Natalia for her part was reeling from the completely natural and charming way Olivia had described her as cute and was trying to understand why it had meant so much to her. When Olivia coughed lightly, Natalia noted the twinkle in the vibrant green eyes, so often shrouded lately in clouds and rimmed with dark circles, shining brightly as they darted to her and then looked away.

It wasn't necessarily an uncomfortable moment but it was like someone had flicked a switch.

As if perfectly on cue Emma barreled toward them squealing, "Mom! Mommy! Look what I've got!"

Olivia dreaded to think as Emma thrust her cupped hands at her obviously holding something captive. She briefly recalled her daughter's excitement at the natural world around her when they stayed at the cabin and was extremely grateful there were no riverbanks nearby today, with all she had going on in her mind at the moment the additional terrifying thought she had lost her child to drowning was not one she intended to entertain.

"What is it?"

Emma giggled and opened her hands just a fraction. It was enough for a relatively petite, deep green frog to squeeze its way to freedom and as it launched itself into the air accompanied by Emma's delighted laughter, Natalia and Olivia both jumped in surprise.

Emma laughed harder as she wheeled about to scurry after her rapidly fleeing former captive.

The two women just looked at each other and having been momentarily stunned, started to chuckle.

"She's something isn't she?"

"She's amazing, just like her mother."

Choosing to keep looking out the way her daughter had gone, Olivia latched onto the words and let them seep into her consciousness. _Does she really think that? If she knew…_

Closing her eyes briefly, Olivia decided it was time to let Natalia see exactly what she was capable of.

* * *

><p><em>To Olivia, Emma looked like she was sleeping peacefully. While this gave her some sense of comfort the fact she had no idea when Emma would wake up was frustrating her no end. The doctor had provided the usual spiel about how 'comas can be the body's way of healing itself' but the only piece of good news she could actually grasp onto was that Emma was finally stable.<em>

_After almost two days of waiting this small piece of information was nearly overwhelming._

_Not being a particularly patient woman she knew she was reaching the end of her limits and voiced her reality out loud, she didn't know how much more of this she could take. She just wanted her little girl back, whole and healthy._

_Buzz had been wonderful, supportive but he kept trying to get her to rest and the simple truth was she couldn't, not while Emma was still in hospital, not while she was still in a coma and certainly not until she woke up… how in all honesty could she rest?_

_She had tried to tell Buzz why she didn't want to sleep, that she was terrified if she did she would wake up and Emma would be gone but he had stopped her, silencing her with a hand upon her jaw and the instruction to not even think about such things which did little to stop the very real fear playing over and over in her sleep deprived mind and tormenting her._

_A part of her knew Buzz was right, that she needed to step away for a while and as much as she loathed the idea of leaving her little girl, she justified it by having her reason to leave be to pick up some of the fancy 'mac and cheese' Emma loved so much from Towers._

_Placing her order ahead, Olivia detoured to the Beacon Hotel, it was just her luck that Ava was there when she arrived, sitting so prim and smug at the bar. Just the sight of her sent Olivia's pulse racing in fury and intensified her determination to have nothing to do with the annoyingly whiny woman or anything associated with her._

_She tried desperately to ignore her, to keep focused on the cell in her hand as she continued to dial in the doctor's number because at that moment she didn't care if the doctor was actually helping Emma, only that he was there because of Ava. Ava, who through a petty vendetta against her had harmed her child._

_She cursed herself for her momentary weakness, her need to indulge in a stiff drink so now she had to suffer the indignity and discomfort of having to share the same space as the woman responsible for her daughter's suffering._

_Her breath quickened as her blood boiled._

_Remy had picked up on the tension, his parting words to 'play nice' falling on deaf ears._

"_Olivia, I was just trying to help."_

_She dared speak to her? Olivia smiled but there was no joy in it, "Did I ask for your help? I'm calling to get him pulled off the case."_

"_What? Dr Waller? You've got to be kidding me Olivia he's the best."_

"_I don't want anything from you."_

"_Listen, stop it okay? Stop it right now. You're being stupid. You don't have to thank me. That's fine. Alan-Michael he knows him and he's just trying to help."_

Thank you? My God! Are you really that full of yourself?_ "And what did you offer Alan-Michael in return?"_

"_He's Emma's uncle."_

_Olivia could see through her, this wasn't about Emma or her, it would never be about her, "Oh please, you're just taking credit for this; you're just grandstanding to ingratiate yourself to the Cooper's."_

"_Why do I need to do that? We both know how the Cooper's feel about me. Maybe you should consider what they think about you?"_

"_How dare you!" Olivia's indignation momentarily overrode her anger, was this young strip of a thing really going to stand there and judge her? Really call into question her relationship with the Cooper clan?_

_Ava continued, her grating voice demanding, "Listen to me, no one likes you or worries about you more than I do."_

_Olivia started to laugh. She couldn't help it and even though she tried to smother the sound with a hand over her mouth, her sleep starved brain wouldn't listen. _

"_I'm serious and Emma… I pray for her every night."_

Praying for _my _daughter? The one lying in a coma because you couldn't do a simple thing like babysitting? You probably handed her the bottle._ Olivia could feel her laughter tipping over into insanity; she wrestled on the brink like a suicide jumper faced with a last minute change of heart but all the while in the background, pushing her, wheedling her, burrowing into her brain with her god-awful mezzo soprano voice was Ava. She could almost hear the 'Jump! Jump! Jump!'._

"_Why do you do this?" Ava continued, "You make everybody hate you. Why are you… stop!"_

_It was like a sea of red washed over her and the adrenaline coursing through her caused her veins to visibly pulse and throb. Without conscious thought Olivia went on the attack and released a wicked left handed slap that finally silenced the relentless speaker._

_Feeling trapped and needing to breathe the act of violence had done little to release the resentment, frustration and fear of the last few days. Olivia moved away from the younger woman and braced herself against the bar, her hands shaking as anger suffused her._

_Then the voice was back._

"_Go ahead, hit me."_

"_Don't tempt me." Really, she needed to go, she needed to get out of here but for whatever reason Ava was determined, forcing a confrontation between them._

"_Hit me again. Get it out of your system, and then maybe we can talk like adults."_

_It was all so familiar. Was Ava judging her? What right did she have that she should be judged by her?_

_She couldn't be having this conversation now, _shouldn't_ be having this conversation now, her little girl was waiting for her. _I need to get the 'mac and cheese'_. She wanted to focus on something other than where this conversation was leading._

_Already reeling from her daughter being in a coma, exhausted beyond anything she had ever experienced and plagued with all the past being dredged up by the blogger, she didn't have time for this._

_She tried to wave Ava away. She was feeling trapped like there was too much going on. Her mind full and overloaded she needed to get out, needed air and as the world closed in around her she felt her chest tighten and her lungs constrict to the point she couldn't breathe._

_Shoving her way past Ava she marched over to the door and practically kicked it open. Leaning against the balcony wall she drew in deep lungfuls of air and tried to calm her erratic breathing. She thought she had succeeded in finding a moment's peace when the door slammed behind her and her personal irritant stormed up and into her face once more._

"_God!" Olivia muttered but somehow she knew he had deserted her._

"_Just tell me something. Why do you hate me so much?"_

_It was like touch paper; Olivia began to slam her palms against the top of the wall in time with her words, channeling her rage, "Why do I hate you? Why do I hate you? Why do I hate you? Let's start with the fact that you're a phony. You use the sympathy card every chance you get. You wrap men around your bony little finger, and you nearly took my daughter away from me. Do you even understand what that means?"_

"_You don't know anything about me. Do you know my worst memory?"_

_Olivia didn't care and screamed; "I hope it still hurts!" meaning every word but it didn't stop Ava from continuing._

"_Holding my mother in my arms and begging her not to leave me when she was dying in my arms. I know something about hurt."_

_She couldn't hear this, not now. Her head felt like a vise had tightened around her skull and her stomach flipped over as her own memories returned full force._

_It was too intense, too much and it evoked the same feelings today as it had back then._

_She was crying and could barely stand as she backed away from the wall, Ava a barrier between her and her escape._

_Ava was yelling at her again, her voice, her voice so familiar, constant, persistent, why wouldn't she let up? Why wouldn't she just stop?_

"_I think about hurt every day," the voice went on, "and I know that you're hurting, and it's more than just Emma, I know that. But, believe me, why don't you let me help you? Just stop doing the…"_

How could she know? How could she possibly even begin to have the foggiest idea…?

_She snapped._

"_Shut up!" She pushed her backwards, she would not be judged, would not be told by this little girl how she should act and behave, no one would. "Shut up! Just shut up!" She had Ava by her upper arms now and was physically lifting her up onto the balcony wall, shaking her, pushing her to suspend her further and further over the edge._

"_You want to know why I hate you?" she shouted, spittle and loose hair flying making her look like a wild woman, "Because I do. I want you gone!"_

"_What are you doing?"_

_Olivia didn't have time to consider if Ava was really so stupid she couldn't see what was going on; she was fixated on her goal. "You ruined my life." Everything started going wrong the minute Ava arrived but with just one more push it would end, she would be gone._

"_No, I didn't!" Ava defended._

_Her protests went unheard as Olivia reiterated again, "You ruined my life," only to find herself gripped from behind and hauled away from the target of her anger._

"_Olivia, get off of her," Coop demanded. "Are you crazy?"_

_Trying to catch her breath and regain her senses Olivia tried to explain, "She kept pushing and pushing until I had to push back."_

"_Over the side of a building?" Coop asked incredulously as he pulled Ava away from the edge._

"_Just stop, it's over okay, it's over, it's fine." Ava looked shaken._Good,_ was all Olivia could think, her breathing still heavy._

"_We're sorry about what happened to Emma," Coop said, "Everyone is sorry alright but this has got to stop Olivia."_

_As Olivia watched the 'hero rescuing the damsel in distress routine' it just figured, "Perfect, take her side everyone always does. I just have a daughter in a coma." Could no one understand how this was ripping her up inside? How she shouldn't be in this position, Emma shouldn't be in this position? Why was her daughter being punished for her perceived wrongs?_

"_That doesn't excuse what you're doing."_

"_When do I get to do that Coop?" _When do I get to see some justice for my little girl, for me?_ "Emma may never wake up. I've got that Springfield blogger crucifying me bringing up every little bit of my past and I've got this pixie up my nose." She spat out the last, gasping to draw in breath and release her anguish. Her head hurt, her lungs hurt, her heart hurt._

_She felt light headed, the lack of sleep catching up on her, the pressure of her past weighing heavily on her soul. "I guess I've earned it," she conceded and pressed a shaky hand to her brow, "I guess I'm finally getting what I deserve."_

_Unsteadily she bent down to retrieve her bag, thrown aside as she tried to block out Ava's vocal attack. She needed a drink, maybe several but more importantly she needed to get back to Emma._

_Turning she hurried out the door and in a fog, forgot all about the reason for leaving Emma's side and simply headed back to her._

* * *

><p>There was silence for a moment.<p>

Olivia took a sip of her tepid coffee to moisten her dry mouth and throat, aching from the combination of overuse and emotion. She was in awe of the clarity with which she could recount those terrifying days, days she would prefer to forget but were forever burned into her brain.

Since she had stopped speaking she hadn't yet worked up the courage to face her companion but resigned to the inevitable she let out a long sigh and looked up.

Her breath caught; Natalia was crying.

A myriad of reasons raced through her mind, she didn't know if she should be surprised, if she should have expected more from Natalia but hadn't she just said it? Didn't they always side with anyone other than her?

Of course Natalia was crying, somehow Olivia had disappointed her, probably disgusted her on some moralistic level, Natalia was a very religious person after all.

Feeling anger and disappointment in herself that she could have been so foolish as to think Natalia would be different, Olivia nodded once and moved to stand.

A hand on her arm stopped her.

She paused staring at it, unsure whether she should adhere to its silent command to stay or shrug it off and leave.

In all honesty she couldn't leave. Regardless of how she may appear to the world at large, regardless of how much it might hurt; she needed to know what Natalia was going to say and why she was crying.

"Olivia."

She braced herself, could feel every muscle in her body tighten as if ready to ward off the blow.

"That's horrible," Natalia sniffed.

Olivia flinched and resisted the urge to squeeze her eyes shut.

"Yeah, well… I told you, when pushed…"

"No, no Olivia…"

The hand on her arm began to rub soothingly up and down as Natalia continued, "That's not…"

Olivia faced her as Natalia huffed and wiped at her face and eyes.

"That's not what I meant. I mean it's horrible, that you had to go through that. I'm sorry."

Olivia stared at her as if her hair had just caught on fire. "Wha…?" she shook her head as if she hadn't heard correctly and then placed a hand over her mouth to contain her relieved sob.

"Hey, what is it?" Natalia was worried. She had sat stock still as Olivia recounted her tale afraid that if she moved Olivia would stop, the whole time she had felt nothing but sympathy for the situation her friend had found herself in. Knowing the woman the way she did, she had no doubts about the veracity of the attack but it didn't alter the fact there was obviously more going on than Olivia just trying to kill someone, any reasonable person would understand that, wouldn't they?

So why did Olivia look like she was about to be kicked? Why had she flinched? What more was there and did Olivia really have such a low opinion of her to believe she would just turn and run away in horror? Really? After everything they had been through?

Pushing aside the affronted feeling and recognizing the wounded posture before her, Natalia tried again. "Olivia, you can't seriously expect me to believe I should hold you accountable for this and that you should continue to suffer because of your past actions?" She was about to say more but held back, it was all so real to Olivia after all, the nightmares proved that, she couldn't dismiss this out of hand and suggest she 'get over it'. What was more, it was more than obvious that how Natalia reacted to this information was incredibly important to her.

"No, it's just…" Olivia's heart swelled at the way Natalia was rushing to her defense again and she felt lighter even as the younger woman's presence grounded her. She couldn't stop now, "There's more..."

* * *

><p><em>There had been no change, Emma had yet to wake up and it seemed there was nothing she could do except to continue to wait. Her mind refused to switch off and although she had neither eaten or slept she was wired, replaying over the moment when she had given up on her child before. It couldn't happen again, she wouldn't let it happen.<em>

_Buzz had tried to help, he knew more than most but she couldn't stop the cold feeling inside; she was peripherally aware he was there but she no longer heard him, too plagued with a nagging fear she was going to fail again, after all that was what was expected right?_

_Unable to control the sense of panic within and not knowing what to do or how to force it out of her and make it stop Olivia needed a drink; maybe a couple._

_She left the hospital in a hurry needing to get away and naively believing she would also be able to escape her mind if only for a short space of time._

_She made it to her car and climbed in fumbling with the well used hipflask she carried with her and almost dropped it. She needn't have worried about spillage though as it was already empty. She whimpered, wanting to cry but she couldn't, there was nothing she could do and even her route to oblivion was eluding her, there hadn't been enough. She thumped the steering wheel and then laid down her head, sniffling in lieu of the real tears that wouldn't come._

_There was nothing for it, she needed more alcohol._

_Exiting her car she made her way unsteadily to the outside bar at Company, stumbling and catching her shin painfully on a box clearly big enough to see if not for her alcohol induced and emotional fog._

_Her voice slurred as she grabbed onto the bar and asked, "Do you have wi..." the pain from her shin caught up to her brain and she refocused her efforts to ask her question. "Do you have wine?"_

_It was then Ava appeared from behind the bar._

_Seeing her there gave Olivia pause and wanting to keep their interaction as short as possible she suggested, "Just... I'll get it." _Figures, no escape for Olivia_. _Nope_._

"_Go get me a bottle," she instructed, "I'll go. Just get me a bottle." She slapped her hand on the bar a couple of times to emphasize her impatience, "I'll go."_

"_How much have you had already?"_

"_You know what? I'll drive to the liquor store myself." She pushed away from the bar, irritated Ava was judging her once again and hurled back a churlish, "Thanks a lot."_

_Heading to her car she aimed her keys carefully, intent upon unlocking the vehicle the moment it was in sight._

_Ava appeared from nowhere and grabbed at her keys._

"_Give me that…"_

"_You're drunk!" Ava bellowed. "You can't drive out of here, you'll get yourself killed."_

"_As if you care."_

"_I don't. But you have a daughter in the hospital and when she wakes up, you need to be in one piece."_

_Olivia lunged for the keys, Ava easily sidestepping her and momentum carried her forward to slam onto the hood of the car._

"_Get in here," Ava demanded gesturing, "Get in the car. I'm driving you home. Go on."_

_Not seeing any other choice Olivia pushed herself away, walked round to the passenger side and climbed in._

"_Seatbelt."_

"_Yes ma'am," she intoned and tugged too fiercely on the belt to allow it to release. As she continued to pull with no affect she looked round, aware something was missing. "Where's my bag?"_

_Ava started the car._

"_My bag," Olivia demanded._

"_I don't, I don't… where is your bag?"_

_Olivia thought hard. "Ladies room," she slurred and untangled herself from the seatbelt she had been fighting with. "I'll get it," she said as she started to climb out of the car._

"_No, no, no. I'll get it," Ava insisted and turned off the engine. "Fine, okay?"_

_Olivia sat scowling as Ava climbed back out of the car, slamming the door shut as she turned to walk back inside._

_She didn't know how long she sat there waiting and for a while she drifted off to sleep, her alcohol impaired brain losing track of time but she knew she had waited long enough, "I can't wait for you. I have to get back to the hospital." Her little girl would be waiting for her, "Emma, Emma, you shouldn't be in there."_

_Even through the alcoholic haze and exhaustion she could still feel the huge injustice of it all. This should not be happening; it was all Ava's fault, Ava was too blame._

_The object of her ire appeared in her field of vision, "You shouldn't be in there, not when she's still up and walking around."_

_Her mind replayed her terror at finding her little girl, unresponsive, deathly pale. She would make it right, she had to._

_Starting the car, acting on auto pilot and almost dissociating with what her body was doing, Olivia revved the engine. _

_What happened next happened so quickly Olivia was unclear whether she really remembered it at all but she saw Ava leap out of the way and felt the impact of the car slamming to a stop as she engaged the brakes._

_Frank appeared at the driver's side window, "Olivia, Olivia, what happened?"_

_She couldn't speak, wouldn't know what to say even if she could._

_Frank was fussing over Ava trying to get her to tie something around her arm, it was bleeding apparently and Olivia couldn't stop the sneer at the thought of how typical it was that men were fawning over her again._

_It occurred to her that maybe she was in shock._

_Frank appeared at her window again and was opening the door, "Olivia, Olivia. What happened? Come here." He eased her from the car clearly concerned at her lack of response. "What happened? Are you hurt?"_

"_I... I... Ava... er…"_

"_Olivia."_

"_She was going to drive me home and I slid in the driver's seat so I could start the car and listen to the radio while she... and I... my arm must have hit the gear shift, and it happened so fast. Oh, thank God you're all right."_

_Ava was shaking her head as if not believing a word of what Olivia was saying but Olivia was thinking fast, the jolt of adrenaline helping to clear the previous effects of the alcohol._

_Frank was enquiring after Ava again, talking about taking her to the hospital but Ava was refusing, it wasn't necessary. Then he was suggesting taking Olivia home but she couldn't, she had to go back to the hospital, Emma was there, she had to go back._

"_No," Frank told her, "Emma needs you to be okay and to take care of yourself, okay? You need to get home. My car is one level down. I'm going to get it. I'm going to drive it around. You stay put."_

_He left._

_It was then that Ava came at her, every word sounded out with an indignant malicious relish, "You crazy, lying bitch."_

"_It was an accident."_

"_An accident? Like what, like the balcony? You tried to run me down."_

"_No, no," Olivia defended, "it happened so fast. And I haven't slept."_

"_You know what? That might work with Frank. You knew exactly what you were doing. You wanted me dead."_

_Did she? She knew she wanted her gone and she could see how her actions so far could be interpreted that way but, "No, you're wrong."_

"_I'm not wrong. Shut up, okay? You looked at me in the face and you put the pedal down and you gunned it."_

_Knowing the accusation could take her away from her daughter Olivia paused, "So, what are you going to do if Frank comes back? Are you going to tell him it didn't happen like it did?"_

"_You're scared," Ava observed. "Good."_

_Yes, Olivia was scared. Had she tried to kill her? Did it matter now because essentially Ava was threatening _her_! Imagine the gall of it, being responsible for putting her daughter in a coma and now having the nerve to hold this over her…? Olivia listened as Ava continued on, _so she wasn't going to tell Frank her theory of what happened… yet.

"_What does that mean?" Olivia needed to know how big a threat Ava was going to become._

"_I'm not a cold, heartless bitch like you. Your daughter's in a coma. As soon as Emma wakes up, I'm telling everybody what you did."_

_Ava left and Frank returned his concern for Ava's condition after the 'accident' foremost on his mind._

_Olivia just wanted to return to Emma's side, everything was catching up with her, not eating, not sleeping. What was she doing? Getting drunk when her child needed her? She was a terrible mother, she was supposed to protect her little girl and yet…_

_She made her way back to the hospital to maintain her vigil, her mind already conceiving a plan._

* * *

><p>"So let me get this right. Your child was in a coma, you hadn't slept or eaten properly in days and you consumed a large amount of alcohol leading you to make the stupid decision to get behind the wheel of a car and whether intentional or not, nearly ran down the woman you believed was the cause behind your daughter being in a coma in the first place and who at the time you had no idea was also actually your daughter?"<p>

Olivia blinked. That was certainly a more succinct way of putting it.

"Um… yeah."

"Olivia, you should know better than to mix drinking with driving."

The stern expression on Natalia's face made Olivia want to laugh; _this is what she gets angry about? _"You're right, I was wrong and I shouldn't have done that."

"Don't ever do something that idiotic or dangerous again," Natalia was vehement. She knew Olivia liked to drink and it scared her to think she might do it again. She understood there were exceptional circumstances involved but for all the business savvy she had seen how vulnerable Olivia could be and how capable she was of making poor choices.

"Alright, I promise."

They sat looking at each other.

"Is that it?" Natalia finally asked, still trying to reconcile what she had been recently told with what she knew before. In some ways she felt as if the story had been edited, as if she was still missing a vital piece of information but hearing about this traumatic event certainly aided her understanding to some extent and she just hoped it was helping Olivia as well.

Olivia regarded her companion and shifted in her seat. She could feel the cold seeping through her clothes and her knee was beginning to ache. She considered she could just end it there but really, that wasn't the worst of it and having gone this far decided to put all of her faith in Natalia and tell her the rest of it, not everything but just how heinous towards her unknown daughter she could really be.

"Almost," she finally said.

To be continued...

Flashback scenes taken from episodes 18th – 20th Sept 2006 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=U1n-A8Uwj6E...feature=relatedwith thanks to eriklovessoaps for the clips


	20. Chapter 20

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 20**

Natalia looked at the forlorn figure of her friend as she shifted in her seat and tried to assess whether it was a defeated slump to her shoulders or an attempt to keep warm. Since they took their coffees out onto the porch the temperature had dropped a little and although the fresh air had provided a healthy looking rosy glow, Olivia actually looked a little uncomfortable.

She watched as she shifted again, the faintest of winces as she tried to discretely flex her leg.

"Let's go back in," Natalia suggested intimating by a small shudder she was cold.

Olivia nodded and pushed herself to her feet determined not to show how much her leg was hurting her or how relieved she was they were returning inside. She took a quick glance at her watch, surprised at the pace the morning was moving at but thankful she had a couple of hours before she needed to leave. With a quick check to where Emma was still busily engaged with something or other she had found, she turned and followed Natalia back indoors.

They placed their cups near the sink as they entered the kitchen and removed their outer wear, Olivia running a hand through her hair and tousling it as she released it from her hat, the stylish cut falling back to frame her face perfectly.

"Did you want another coffee?" Natalia asked.

Olivia was going to say no but changed her mind when a wave of fuzziness filled her head accompanied by a faint buzzing sound in her ears. Uncomfortable with the all too familiar feeling plaguing her once again she answered, "Please," before admitting, "I should probably cut back but…"

"I know, it helps to clear your head and sets you up for the day but you're right, you really should cut back."

Caught between not wanting another lecture on her health and touched Natalia was still looking out for her Olivia just smiled and carefully shook her head, "But not today." _Definitely not today_.

Natalia put more coffee on as Olivia propped herself against the countertop.

The younger woman noticed the way she was standing, "Why don't you go sit down? Take some weight off that knee."

"It's fi…" Olivia was about to say 'fine' when she remembered her epiphany that there was no point in lying and coupled with the look Natalia was giving her, really she had no choice. "Okay," she relented and began to pull out one of the kitchen chairs.

"Oh no," Natalia stopped her, "let's take these through to the lounge." Having indulged one of her fantasies by sharing coffee whilst sitting on the porch Natalia really wanted to curl up cozy on the couch. Besides Olivia was looking ill at ease again, "Why don't you go through, I'll be there in a bit."

"I was going to wait and keep you company if you'd like me too but I guess…" Olivia shrugged playfully.

Chuckling, Natalia waved her off, "Go! Go on… really I'll be there in a bit. Might as well sit comfortably right?"

Pushing away from the counter Olivia decided to just keep doing what she was told after all she was about to share something that would possibly change all of this so she might as well enjoy it while she could, right?

She reached the couch and lowered herself onto it, disturbed at the return of the washed out feeling she had been experiencing over the last couple of days. _Stop lying to yourself Olivia; it's been going on for a while._

Her biggest fear was that something was wrong with her heart. She knew she shouldn't be feeling the way she was especially as she'd had a fairly decent night's sleep, not drunk that much the night before, well in comparison to the night before that, and had a relatively restful morning. So why was it her head felt like it was full of wool again and all she wanted to do was shut her eyes?

She rubbed at her brow determined to make it through the rest of the morning and not cause any further concern for her friend, at least when it came to her health anyway. Who knew how she would react when Olivia told her what had happened next.

~/\~

Natalia was rinsing out their mugs in preparation of making another cup of coffee and as she stood by the sink she glanced out the window to check on Emma and allowed herself to imagine briefly how awful it would be and how scared Olivia must have felt at the prospect of losing her.

Her stomach churned, the possibility making her feel physically sick, in fact the idea of losing her child was so unfathomable, so completely inconceivable to her she refused to let her thoughts even touch on it for long as if the very act of thinking about it could make it true. Instead she steered her mind back to the question whose answer eluded her.

_How come Olivia didn't know Ava was her daughter? How…?_

Of all the things Olivia had said to her and told her, this was the one thing that kept flashing through her mind.

She knew that Jeffrey was Ava's father and guessed she had incorrectly made the assumption he and Olivia had been together years ago and subsequently divorced or simply parted ways. She knew Olivia had married many times but in all of that, how could she have lost track of her daughter? Did Ava go with Jeffrey? Did he have sole custody? Hard to believe on several levels but even then that wouldn't really explain how Olivia didn't know Ava was her daughter. Maybe she…

Natalia froze.

The implication Olivia wouldn't recognize a grown woman as her daughter implied Olivia had not seen her for a very long time.

"She gave her up for adoption."

Saying the words out loud albeit in hushed revelation gave weight to her idea and raised yet another question… why?

Natalia did a quick calculation based on how old she knew Olivia and how old she believed Ava to be. Having been a teenage mother herself it wasn't hard for her to understand why Olivia may have chosen to give her child up but having seen how she interacted with Emma and knowing Olivia the way she did, the type of personality she has, it struck Natalia she didn't have the full story, she couldn't have. There was definitely more to this, there had to be.

Pleased she had at least resolved one mystery she finished pouring the coffee and picked up the cups to carry them through to the lounge, intrigued at what the next installment would hold.

The sight that greeted her could have been endearing if it wasn't for the possibility there was something very wrong.

Olivia sat with her head tipped back and to the side, precariously braced against her hand as her elbow rested on the arm of the sofa to complete the prop. She didn't even stir as Natalia approached and put the two cups down on the coffee table.

Natalia simply watched her for a moment; there was no distress just a steady regulated breathing pattern that implied Olivia had merely fallen asleep and she knew she could blame the perspiration on their return indoors but it wasn't that long since they had woken up after a relatively decent night's sleep and it wasn't that warm in here.

_It's the fresh air, she's just had too much and she's had a hard couple of days that's all _but Natalia didn't really believe it.

She was worried, really worried. In the last couple of weeks with Olivia's workload significantly increasing and so much time being spent on deception Natalia was concerned Olivia wasn't looking after herself. She didn't listen to her doctors at the best of times and as much as she really wanted Olivia to succeed it was not at the cost of her health.

Natalia sometimes wondered if Olivia believed she was the living incarnation of the energizer bunny.

_But she can't just keep going and going. Maybe if I look at her schedule again, move some things around I can convince her to take some more time off or at least just concentrate on only Decker's demands and leave the Beacon to her staff and to me._

Natalia was completely unaware of how much responsibility she willingly wanted to take on in her desire to help out her friend, or how far removed it was from the woman of only a month or so ago.

Torn between wanting to know what more Olivia had to tell her and wanting to let the beleaguered woman sleep, Natalia toyed with her bottom lip in thought for a while before carefully sitting down on the sofa next to her needing to be close by.

Taking a sip of her coffee she tried to organize her mental list, she was going to need to pick up some ingredients to help out with the cookies for the party for Emma's friends, she wanted to check on Rafe and make sure he was doing okay now he had moved to a different facility, it wasn't like she thought he would naturally lie to her but he might try to keep the truth hidden if he thought it would upset her and she didn't want that and she still had to decide what to do with the money from the sale of the house.

Olivia twitched a little and jostled as if to get comfier.

_Maybe I can ask Olivia for some advice; she knows how to handle money._

Olivia moved again and effectively turned over to snuggle up against Natalia's side.

Natalia smiled and stretching to reach the table to put her cup down without upsetting the unresponsive sleeper, she then used her freed hand to brush the hair away from Olivia's face before settling it on Olivia's arm and successfully holding her in a gentle hug.

_So hard to believe you grew up poor, I really didn't know that about you. But then again, I guess there's a lot I still don't know about you. What must your childhood have been like Olivia eh? I wonder what your parents were like, your family. Did you get on well with them?_

She studied the face so close to hers thrilled at how easily Olivia seemed to trust her, a part of her reveling in the possibility Olivia was seeking her out even as she slept.

_How could anyone resist being drawn to you? _She nearly snorted but restrained herself and mentally rolled her eyes instead, _Gus couldn't, your many husbands' couldn't…_ I_ couldn't._

Her eyes prickled as they brimmed with tears brought on by a deep swell of emotion and affection for the woman lying in her arms and she lightly squeezed her, needing to affirm her hold, her presence.

_What happened that you gave away your child Olivia?_

Olivia shifted again drawing her injured leg upward to curl more onto the couch and Natalia watched as she gasped slightly before her eyelashes started to flutter, a sign she was waking up.

"Hey," Natalia said softly.

Olivia pushed herself upright and raised a hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn before dopily wiping at her eyes and pulling back her hair.

"God, I'm sorry I didn't mean to go out like that." She yawned again and lowered her other hand to unconsciously rub at her offending knee.

"You obviously needed it."

It wasn't an accusation and yet it stung. Maybe she had just woken up grouchy but she didn't want to make more of this than was necessary.

"I'm fine, probably all that fresh air." _Wasn't I going to stop lying to Natalia? Damn it._ She rubbed at her eyes again a little confused at what time it was and spied the coffee on the table. It was still warm enough to drink so she couldn't have slept long.

"Must be," Natalia answered observing the slightly baffled look and brief flash of panic, "I nearly dozed off too. It was a long night last night."

"Yeah," Olivia took another sip of the coffee.

"You should probably get that knee checked out though."

"Hm?"

The hand rubbing at her knee stopped as if caught in the act and she smiled, "Probably, I'll see if I can get someone to take a look."

"Ask Dr Bauer, I'm sure he'd do it for you," Natalia hesitated, unsure whether she was perhaps pushing her luck too far, "maybe he can also check that everything's okay."

"I told you, I'm fine." _Damn! Damn! Damn! Lying… again!_ But she was scared, she didn't want to see Dr Rick, didn't want him to tell her any more bad news. She was just tired, she was working long hours; on call for Decker and the Galaxy project of course she was going to be a little run down. _Uh huh, Natalia believes that just as much as you do._

Natalia was pulling her 'cute' inscrutable face again, the one she always seemed to employ when she didn't know the best way to react to what she was being told. Olivia's money was hedging toward Natalia letting her have it but she surprised her when she simply nodded and continued to sip at her coffee.

Inside, Natalia was furious but they had had this fight before and knowing it wouldn't be won here and now she decided to turn her efforts to something she could potentially change or help with, she took another sip.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I should get this checked out and I will, I promise," Olivia reiterated again, "but right now I can't let Decker know there's anything wrong."

Natalia moved to speak and Olivia cut in, "I will try to take it a little easier, I will. And if my knee doesn't improve by this evening I'll get it looked at, okay?"

Natalia nodded thinking Olivia's little outburst was more than she could hope for. Her concern momentarily appeased Natalia gave in to her curiosity, "So, did you want to continue?" She was going to say 'if you're up to it' but figured that would be the wrong thing to say.

Slipping off one hook to dangle on another Olivia nodded, "Sure."

Settling back into their respective ends of the couch Olivia debated where to begin again.

"After the um, accident with the car I just knew Ava wouldn't give up. In my mind she was a very real threat with the potential to take me away from my daughter. All I knew was that I needed her gone." Olivia looked directly at Natalia who noticed her eyes which only moments ago were sluggish and dozy were suddenly vibrant and fierce. "Nothing was going to come between me and my daughter. I promised Emma her mommy would never let anyone come between us."

Pinned by the force of Olivia's veracity a troubled Natalia asked, "What did you do?"

Olivia shifted her shoulders, "In business you meet a lot of people."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning… I made a call."

* * *

><p><em>She was sick of the self-serving sanctimonious bullshit she had been putting up with from Ava, not when the woman had been responsible for her daughter being in a coma and Olivia could not move past that. When Ava then dangled the additional threat of taking her away from Emma by potentially pressing charges which could send her to jail, that was it, she had to do something and do it now.<em>

_She called one of her connections, "I need to see you. Someone is out to hurt me and I need her stopped. I need her stopped right now."_

_Business, however hard one tried was not always one hundred percent clean. Sometimes you needed to bring people in, people who could make things happen when red tape got in the way, all you needed was money, money really was able to buy you nearly anything._

"_Thanks for meeting me so quickly."_

"_You paid promptly for services rendered once before. I remember those things."_

_He disgusted her but he served a purpose and he had been reliable once before. She had to be sure though, "Are you as discreet now as you were then?"_

"_Of course," he said in that smug accent of his, "So what is it this time, more union problems at your hotel?"_

"_No, this is personal. You saw that girl at the cafe on Main Street?"_

"_The one you were watching. She's the target?"_

_He seemed incredulous as if Ava was incapable of posing any kind of threat and it irritated her how easily the younger woman could blind the people around her with her innocent act. "She seems harmless but she put my kid in the hospital. And now she's coming after me."_

_He smiled wolfishly, "Does this job have a name?"_

"_Ava Peralta. Just make her go away."_

"_You'll have to be more specific. You know how a stereo dial works?"_

"_What?" She had told him what she wanted; she didn't need to know details._

"_The knobs on a stereo- the volume, the bass," he persisted. "You can turn it down to zero, but sometimes you got to crank it up to ten to really hear it."_

_Olivia understood, "What was the union job?"_

"_About a four. No one had to see the inside of one of these."_

_Olivia was surprised, "That was only a four?"_

"_You're playing Ava's song, Ms. Spencer. You say you want her gone."_

"_Badly."_

"_Then tell me how loud you want it."_

* * *

><p>"My God, Olivia! You hired a hit man?"<p>

Natalia needed to stand up, to pace. She knew Olivia could be capable of some quite despicable acts and could really hurt someone; she had hurt her before after all...

* * *

><p><em>She had decided to go for a walk, needing the fresh air and the chance to clear her head. Passing by the lake she spotted an unexpected figure on the bench and unable to shake the concern she had for her employer changed direction and headed toward her.<em>

_Natalia couldn't stop herself from running an appreciative eye over her former 'patient', curious as to why she was out here alone. "How are you?" she asked._

"_I'm peachy. How are you?"_

"_Fine." Somehow she felt her answer was significantly more truthful than the one Olivia had given and that wasn't saying much._

"_Where's your car?" Olivia enquired._

"_I walk when I can. Save money on gas."_

_Olivia appeared to think about that briefly, "Is Cassie giving you a lot of shifts at the Beacon?"_

Is this concern? For me?_ She looked Olivia over again._

_Natalia had hoped Olivia would look better than when she had last seen her, didn't think it would be possible to look much worse but the road to recovery was clearly longer than either of them anticipated and her frank evaluation had her stating, "You know, you don't look so good."_

_Olivia continued to jam her hands into her coat pockets and hunched her shoulders up defensively, "Ava's getting my meds. I'll rest when I get home."_

Home._ It was strange how a word could evoke such emotion. She couldn't stop herself as she asked, "Home like Reva and Jeffrey's, or home like the house you took from me and my son?" It was wrong of her to say it and she was amazed at Olivia's confidence that she could hold her gaze while she felt embarrassment and had to look away._

_When Olivia didn't answer Natalia attempted to change the subject. "What are you doing out here?"_

_Olivia ignored her to ask a question of her own, "Where are you living, anyway? That motel?"_

"_We moved into Buzz's boardinghouse. Frank helped us out."_

"_Frank's a good guy."_

"_Yes, he is."_

_Natalia found Olivia fascinating to watch, so collected as she sat there, a small toss of her head to keep her hair from her eyes, her hands __steadfastly stuffed deep into her pockets._

"_So I hear that Rafe, um... they didn't press charges."_

"_I heard you offered to pay his bail." It still amazed her that on one hand this woman would take her house away from her but on the other, would offer to keep her son out of jail. What kind of logic did she employ and did she really consider the impact and implications on the people around her? Was it as simple as just doing what felt right for her?_

_Olivia shrugged, "I'm glad I didn't have to."_

"_Well, thank you anyway." And Natalia meant it; her son was everything to her._

_Thinking Olivia looked cold and worried about her, Natalia turned and walked away._

_She returned a short time later carrying a thick fur blanket. Olivia was where she had left her and Natalia knew she had to be nearly freezing by now as the sun was low on the horizon._

_Shaking the blanket out Olivia became aware of her presence and turned as Natalia attempted to wrap the layer of warmth around her._

"_Oh, no. What are you doing? Stop it!" Olivia tried to pull away from her._

"_Why can't you just sit there and be quiet for once?" Natalia demanded._

"_I don't grr…"_

_Natalia backed off but couldn't leave. This woman looked ill; she had had major surgery, was sat outside in the chilly spring weather and had been for at least a half hour and Natalia knew from experience was appalling at taking care of herself. Unable to help herself she leaned down again and fussed with the blanket, pulling the edges to fully cover Olivia's lap._

"_Stop it! Stop! Stop!"_

_Natalia jerked back. She stood there smarting a little at being told to stop._

_Olivia spoke, "When you look at Rafe, you see Gus, right?"_

_Natalia felt her insides flip at the mention of Gus' name. "Of course," where is Olivia going with this?_

"_And you feel him? You feel him with you, you feel his love?"_

_She swallowed, "Yeah."_

_Olivia kept looking away from her but Natalia could see the sneer as she confessed, "I can't. I can't… feel it. I can't feel him. I can't feel anything."_

_Unsure what Olivia was getting at Natalia looked about her, seeking inspiration. "I don't know... what do you... what do you want from me?"_

"_No."_

No?_ Natalia was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. _

_Olivia shifted slightly and her hand snaked out to reach for Natalia's, pulling on her hand to hold it palm down and sliding her thumb over her fingers to her rings.__Natalia swallowed, perplexed where this was leading and irrationally surprised at the warmth of Olivia's fingers where they had been protected from the cold._

"_I want your wedding rings."_

_Natalia couldn't believe it. _My wedding rings? Hasn't she taken enough already?

_She had to leave, she was afraid she might say something she would regret, she was so hurt right now._

_She heard a breathy voice calling out behind her, "Natalia wait, please?"_

_She stopped; annoyed it was mainly due to her worry over the woman attempting to chase her down. Olivia was looking flushed, the walk from the bench already having an impact on her ability to breathe._

"_It's a good offer," the older woman huffed out, "and you need the money."_

"_You are out of your mind." _Did she really think it was all about money? Oh Lord give me strength_._

"_Yeah, well, Gus even knew that."_

Is she trying to be funny? Always with the jokes.

"_Why?" Natalia wanted to know, "Why do you want my rings? You have his heart. You have our house."_

"_I don't... the house... I'll um… I'll sell it back to you one day. I'll give you a good deal."_

"_Yeah, and I'll pay for it with what?"_

"_Well, the money that I give you for the rings. That'll… that'll help."_

_Natalia could not fathom the way this woman thought, it was totally beyond the realms of normal thinking it had to be. _Is she really that heartless? Has she no sense of the fact that the other people around her have feelings too and they are capable of being hurt just as much as she is? That people need things sometimes? Ahh… the selfishness of it, the sheer audacity of it,_ Natalia was dumbfounded, "I can't believe you."_

"_You need the money, right? For your kid? You need the money."_

Is this the whole basis for Olivia's logic? Her justification for making a request no sane person would make? Maybe there's something wrong with my thinking?

_She waited a beat, took a breath and considered it rationally, "You're right. That's fine. I don't need them. And Gus would want me to take money for our son. So, here," she pulled off her rings and handed them to Olivia. "You enjoy them, because I don't need them."_

_Her soul was aching but she had faith and she knew Gus would understand and hear what was truly in her heart; she just needed Olivia to understand that while she could take away all the material things, the things that really matter, that really counted would forever elude her. "I have his name," she began, "I have his son, you loved him for a few months, I loved him half my life. I don't need those to know how he felt about me."_

_Wiping her eyes she took one last look at the woman who she felt she would do anything to make feel better and walked away._

_When she entered Company later that day she was very surprised to find her rings waiting for her on the counter. She had looked about, wondering if it was a trap, the rings as bait and Olivia ready to spring up and announce, "Wait a minute, they're mine!" but when nothing happened as she lifted them off the bar and enclosed the rings within her palm she considered that maybe she was wrong about Olivia, maybe she was a woman who lived in the moment and stated exactly what she wanted there and then without conscious thought of what consequences her actions might cause._

_Dangerous but also strangely enticing._

* * *

><p>Natalia was almost hyper aware of consequences and was having a very hard time digesting this latest tidbit of information. She couldn't believe it, no wonder Olivia was worried about how she was going to react. A hit man?<p>

"Natalia, you have to understand there was a lot going on."

"Then make me understand. How could anyone in their right mind possibly hire a hit man? Olivia, life is precious, just because you don't like someone, you can't just…" Natalia ran out of words, her mind whirling. She knew Olivia to be an ambitious woman; she would stop at nothing but a hit man? "I mean, how do you even know how to hire one of them? Where do you start?"

"First of all he wasn't really a 'hit man'," Olivia realized the complete idiocy of what she was trying to justify but continued on nevertheless, "and second of all, I've already told you I wasn't in my right mind! Everything was falling apart, everything and at the center of it all was my little girl lying in a hospital bed in a coma."

When Natalia began to pace, her fingers working furiously on her bottom lip in agitation as she tried to work things out in her mind, Olivia felt the need to stand as well. Mindful of her knee she rose up from the couch and attempted to explain. "I had nothing Natalia, nothing and I was desperate! Buzz was being poisoned by his family who were infatuated with Ava and determined to take her side. Do you know what Buzz told me?"

Natalia shook her head, transfixed by the sheer desperation pouring off Olivia in waves as she gesticulated her hurt and betrayal.

"He told me he loved me, he still loved me but that I needed help." She snorted derisively, "but of course he wasn't the person to give it. Can you believe that? In the midst of all Emma was going through, that I was going through he basically bailed." Olivia could sense her dream and the echo of memory, her mother telling her, 'the only person you can count on is yourself'. _Damn straight_, she thought in panic as she watched Natalia turn again, clearly undecided how to respond to the information she had just received.

"I did what I felt I had to do. What was necess…"

She stumbled, the room fading as her vision grayed out. A reflexive hand reached out to the sofa and Natalia was instantly by her side.

"Olivia?"

She sank down, her legs incapable of holding her upright, her limbs like jelly.

For a moment there was the cessation of sound and then a hammering thrum, a drone that grew loud before eventually petering out to Natalia's worried voice calling her name.

"Olivia!" Natalia had been taken by surprise when Olivia practically keeled forward mid-word.

"Olivia, can you hear me?" Glassy unfocused eyes looked back at her for a moment, blinked and then Olivia was back. "Olivia, are you okay?"

Embarrassment quickly gave way to irritation and she tried to pull away. "I'm okay," she managed.

She felt shaky.

"I think I should call Dr Bauer," Natalia was watching her closely, a tiny furrow in her brow emphasizing her expression of concern.

"No!" Olivia barked. "I just stood up too quick."

They both knew it for the lie it so obviously was.

Natalia sat back, "I think you should call it a day." Olivia began to protest and Natalia held out a hand to stop her, "Really Olivia. If you won't see a doctor then please, go home, lie down and take it easy for a bit. I'm worried about you."

She felt awful, aside from the fact she had just essentially passed out, here she was spouting on about how she would do anything for her child and how nothing would ever come between them and yet she was taking risks with her health and potentially achieving what so many others had sought to achieve over the years by her own hand.

Worse, Natalia was worried about her… She wanted to just tip her head back and close her eyes. She felt safe here and she didn't know if it was the farmhouse, Natalia or both, only that she had never felt quite so loved as she did in that moment.

"I'm sorry I'm worrying you," she knew this could come out wrong, as if she were ungrateful, "but I'm fine, really. I'll go home and put my feet up, I promise and as I promised earlier, if my knee feels worse I'll go get it checked." She was careful with her words. "Emma is having a great time here and I want her to enjoy it," she checked her watch. "She's got some time left; I don't want to deprive her."

"But you'd deprive her of her mother?"

It hurt. It was a low blow and one Natalia had delivered many times before but somehow, with everything going on in her mind at the moment it hurt worse than ever. Her face must have shown that.

"I'm sorry," Natalia said and she was. She loved this woman she realized but she infuriated her. The hurt look on her face, only now regaining some colour was too much for her to continue in the same vein, "That was uncalled for."

"No it wasn't," Olivia shook her head.

They shared a small smile, each acknowledging another wall they had scaled to come out the other side.

Olivia pushed herself to sit up a small groan accompanying the maneuver. Natalia was there again, readjusting cushions behind her to prop her up.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Finely tuned to pick up on any discomfort, Natalia noticed the tell-tale tremors and heaviness under the eyes.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose with one hand and waved off the concern with her other, "Really. I'm fine."

Unconvinced, Natalia let it slide. It was gnawing at her, she really wanted to know more about what Olivia was telling her but she was also consumed with an overwhelming sense of dread that she could know too much. But could she? She cared about this woman, had literally been through life and death with her couldn't she put aside her moral differences one more time and hear the woman out? With minor reluctance as her curiosity had been well and truly peaked, she steered the conversation back round to their previous topic. "So Buzz…?" she hesitated.

Sighing Olivia rubbed her palms over her jeans, "Yeah, he's a great guy but he let me down at that moment and I guess, well…"

"What? What happened next?"

"Something good actually," Olivia smiled a full wattage smile at her, "Emma finally woke up."

Smiling in return Natalia had been so caught up in the story that even knowing Emma was playing just outside she still felt the sense of relief the little girl had made it out of her coma. "I bet you were pleased to see her."

"Oh, understatement, it was the best gift."

"So what happened? Ava's obviously still walking around so did you stop this man you hired?"

Olivia resisted the urge to roll her eyes, partly due to the way she would provide Natalia with some of her story and was then immediately asked for more and partly due to Natalia's naiveté about how these things worked, although to be fair she shouldn't really expect or think the younger woman would have a reason to know about such things.

Clearing her throat she continued, "It was really weird. I'm not generally susceptible to mumbo jumbo but when Emma woke up, she started talking about a sister."

"Mumbo jumbo?"

"Well, yeah, I mean how could Emma have even an inkling that she had a sister and with everyth…" Olivia stopped herself, unwilling to divulge the other secrets that haunted her at the time and how they weighed in on her thought processes. "I did some soul searching," _I pretty much had a huge argument with myself_, "and I took it as a sign I should find my first daughter."

Natalia not aware of the slip simply saw this as the opening she had been looking for, "I wondered about that, when you first said about not knowing who Ava was. Did you put her up for adoption?"

Olivia was going to tread very, very carefully here. Then as now she had no intention of bringing back the worst memory of her life, truly she was in no fit state to deal with it.

When Olivia didn't answer and began to look ill, Natalia feared she might 'stand up too quick' again, "Hey, I'm sorry. I realize it must have been a hard decision for you. Something else I guess we have in common hey? Teenage mothers?"

Olivia swallowed, she could work with that, "Yeah well I admire your decision to keep your child but I was…" she fought the nausea, "I was ill equipped to deal with her at that age." She wiped her mouth, the smoky taste of alcohol redolent in her mind once more. She needed to get some water, the coffee having turned to swill in her stomach.

She began to get up.

"Hey, wait. Do you need something?"

"Water," she said. "It's fine I can get it."

"Stay there," Natalia instructed and leapt up to fish out one of the jars again.

Olivia used the time to tamp down on the fear and horror Ava's conception always brought out in her and to steady her nerves. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this wrung out and she knew she needed to get her head back into the game as she was most likely going to have to attend some meetings this afternoon and there was a staff budget report she wanted to look through.

Turning her mind to professional matters seemed to settle her so when Natalia returned and with a jar of water in hand Olivia felt a lot calmer.

"Anyway," Olivia started preempting the inevitable 'what happened next?' from Natalia, "I guess having nearly lost one daughter and Emma being quite insistent about having a sister I felt motivated to find out what had happened to the child I'd once given away."

Natalia was listening but found her attention drawn to Olivia's efforts to rub her injured leg. _Her knee is still bothering her. Do I help her or do I let it get worse so she has to go and see a doctor? Not that I actually think she will she was very careful to say she would get it checked, just not by who?_

Reclaiming her seat, Natalia moved further up the couch so she was nearer to Olivia and patted her own lap indicating Olivia should stretch her legs out across hers. Olivia barely hesitated as she swung her right leg carefully onto the offered resting spot and kept it slightly bent at the knee in deference to the stiffening pain she was experiencing.

Warm hands enclosed the offending limb before beginning a tender massage, rubbing and working the muscles around the leg.

"Is that helping at all?" Natalia asked.

"Uh huh," it felt wonderful and distracted her from the pain.

"Where did you look? I've heard the internet has some sites for things like that."

"I decided to go closer to home."She fingered along the rim of the jar. "I asked Jeffrey to help track her down."

To be continued...

Flashback scene #1 taken from episode 20th Sept 2006 (I haven't been able to find clips for this episode – sorry! But if anyone knows where it can be found, please let me know )

Flashback scene #2 taken from episode 30th April 2008 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=3fVEpCirqms and here:.com/watch?v=LuYDkLXyxsk...feature=related with thanks to annieQC74 for the clips


	21. Chapter 21

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 21**

"Oh?" Natalia was really intrigued now. _Did this mean Jeffrey had no clue either? At what point did he find out he was the father? Does that mean Jeffrey and Olivia weren't together, well in a relationship kind of way?_

Olivia remembered the heated conversation, Jeffrey's unwillingness to help her, his reluctance to go digging around in San Cristobel and his suggestion she leave the past there but she did what she was good at, especially when she really wanted something and she threatened him, threatened to stalk him and to be everywhere he turned. If she had known who she was asking at the time, she would have done something stronger she was sure.

She felt the pressure again as it was in the dream pushing down on her, pinning her. It was suffocating and scary and she would not give in to it now. Not here.

A hand covered hers and she released her grip on the jar.

_What am I missing?_ Natalia wondered as Olivia unclenched her white-knuckled hold. For a moment she seemed to slip away from her again. _At this point I don't know if this is helping or hurting her._

Natalia wanted her to continue, she realized she was being selfish but she also recognized the enormous opportunity here to learn about Olivia's past. She debated whether she should say something and give her an out or indulge her own needs but Olivia beat her to it and carried on.

"I went back to San Cristobel," Olivia explained glossing over Jeffrey's involvement and feeling anchored once more. "I needed to put my mind at ease, I mean can you imagine? My little girl wakes up and the first thing she wants to know is about her sister? A sister she should have no concept of and no idea about. How in the world could she possibly know?" It still amazed her. "I um… managed to get my hands on the hospital file."

Natalia held back the giggle she knew was inappropriate as Olivia lifted one brow and gave her an adorably roguish look.

"I even managed to track down the family who adopted her but Sutton, he was the father well, was… he explained he and his ex-wife divorced and she took my child with her. All I needed was their name and he couldn't remember it."

Olivia laughed but it lacked its usual levity, "That's when the hounds caught up with me. Coop convinced Frank I should be arrested and Frank convinced Buzz I was on the run. Somehow he managed to 'let slip' where I'd gone and they tracked me down to arrest me."

Natalia blinked surprised. She could imagine the betrayal Olivia would have felt, the Coopers were generally a clan of good guys. She rubbed Olivia's leg again in sympathy, "So you were arrested?"

"Uh huh, when I got back to Springfield things were getting serious. They held me in interrogation and Doris, who was the District Attorney back then, was looking to prosecute me for attempted murder." She shook her head as if the information was incorrect and then counted off on her fingers as she clarified, "Actually the whole list of charges involved vehicular assault, drunk driving and attempted murder. Seemed with Ava's testimony I was a sure thing and Emma was going to lose her mommy."

Even though she said it lightly, Natalia could tell it was forced and Olivia was still hurt by it.

At this point, Olivia was beginning to wish for something stronger than water, _maybe a good strong pick me up would do the trick,_ except they didn't have any.

Shaking her head she said, "You know the scariest moment was when they gave me back my cell, Frank knew I was going to be there a while and he was kind enough to realize I'd need to organize a sitter for Emma." She took a breath remembering, "There was a message on there."

* * *

><p>"<em>Ms Spencer, it's me. About your little problem, Ava Peralta. Since you didn't mention how loud you wanted me to take it with the young lady, I've got to assume we're talking ten, as in all the way. Just wanted to let you know I'm on her. She won't be bothering you anymore."<em>

_Olivia was terrified. A ten? That was certainly not part of the bargain. She was in enough trouble now as it was but she could probably easily fight the attempted murder charge with pleas of temporary insanity but if he followed through on her 'job' she would be doomed and Emma along with her. She would not let that happen._

_It was only through the reprieve of having one of the Coopers turn up that allowed her to finally make a return call and thankfully she managed to get through to him._

"_Good. I caught you. Thank God. You haven't…"_

"_Not yet."_

"_The job is off. Do you hear me? Don't do it."_

"_Would you mind repeating that?"_

"_Don't do it. I will pay you but do not do anything, do you understand? Are we clear?"_

"_We're clear."_

* * *

><p>Natalia was still uncomfortable knowing Olivia could even possibly consider an idea like a hit man, it was perverse. She glanced up when Olivia sucked in a sharp breath and jerked beneath her and then realized she was grabbing at her injured knee.<p>

"Oh god, Olivia, I'm sorry." She released her hold.

"It's okay," Olivia forced out a heavy breath through clenched teeth to relieve the pain, "I know this upsets you. I'm sorry for that, I really am. It was stupid; I know it was stupid but…" She shrugged again.

"But you called him off? You stopped him." _Why does Olivia look so guilty?_ "Olivia?"

"I did," she confirmed. "I would have left it at that but Ava…"

Flashes of a dream of not that long ago assaulted her, the accusations, her attempts to reason with them, that everything she did was to protect herself, protect Emma, protect… _"What about Ava?"_ the voice called out, _"how many times did you try to hurt her?"_ Another voice, another dream, _"Everything you ever do hurts them, hurts all the people you claim to love."_ She hated that voice, a constant companion shadowing every thought, every action. She flinched.

"Olivia?" Natalia watched in fascination as Olivia drifted away. She was shaking, her limbs vibrating against Natalia's lap obviously lost to a memory. When she recoiled sharply Natalia reacted shooting out her hand to grasp Olivia's arm in fear of her falling off the couch. "Hey now, come on… calm down."

Olivia's head jerked so she was staring at her as she drew in ragged breaths.

"Where did you go to just now? Are you alright?"

Rubbing her face with both hands and then drawing them back through her hair Olivia shook herself, frustrated. "I'm fine," she huffed out, she was getting angry and it was hard to channel the anger in her current position. With some reluctance she sat up and swung her legs round to the floor, she wanted to move around.

"You know what?" Olivia stood, confident the residual animosity she still felt would keep her upright, "Yes, I did stop him from harming Ava and for a while I was so relieved. Was it self-serving? Yes, there was no way I was going to let her be responsible for my going to jail but for whatever reason she wouldn't let it end there. She threatened to press charges and then did the one thing guaranteed to make me lose all sense of reason and sanity, she threatened to take Emma."

Olivia was on a roll now, her anger serving to justify her actions all over again, the voices be damned. She paced the length of the room and turned to stand behind the chair, bracing against its back with clenched fists.

"I think I've told you once before how many people have tried to take Emma from me?"

Natalia nodded, unwilling to interrupt.

"Well with Emma being in the hospital and all the other allegations the principal of her school phoned, can you believe that? She phoned me concerned about Emma's home life as if I was capable of…"

She couldn't finish the thought, it was too unthinkable.

"Nobody threatens me, nobody, not her, not Ava and not Doris!" She thumped at the chair back to punctuate her anger.

"I'd paid the fee as promised but I'd asked him to consider it a deposit of sorts, just in case. When Ava failed to back off…"

"You contacted him again."

* * *

><p>"<em>Hello?"<em>

"_It's your client. You were hired to do a job for me in the elevator the other day and I cancelled."_

"_What about it?"_

"_Well, I thought the problem had gone away but it hasn't apparently. It's just getting worse. So I need your services after all."_

"_You're sure about that?"_

"_The sooner the better."_

"_Okay but there could be a problem. I need a certain person alone and she's usually hanging around some young guy."_

"_I'll handle that. She'll be alone. Just… just do it. Do it fast."_

* * *

><p>Natalia was horrified. "So you… you were actually going to <em>help<em> him? Make it easier for him?"

Olivia nodded, her anger diffusing at the look of disappointment she had so badly wanted to avoid seeing in Natalia's eyes, the disappointment in her.

It was a lot to take in, aiding and abetting in a crime and worse, the crime of murder which was so far removed from Natalia's line of thinking and sensibilities she didn't know what to do with it. The fact that Ava was up and walking around and clearly had a good relationship with her mother today, couldn't seem to completely eradicate the feeling of disgust Olivia could even consider such a thing.

Natalia understood the possible insanity, the conditions surrounding Olivia's previous attempts to cause Ava harm but this was way beyond that. This was cold, calculated. She wasn't denying Olivia could justify her actions but this was extreme, almost irreconcilable and it hurt, hurt her in ways she couldn't explain.

"Natalia… Natalia please, let me explain."

Olivia was pleading with her, her face full of anguish.

_There has to be more, _Natalia reasoned. _There has to be something more and I'm just not understanding it completely. _She considered all she knew of Olivia, all she thought she knew and tried to order those thoughts in a way which would mean she could breathe again and not feel the terrible loss Olivia's revelation caused.

"Natalia…"

Natalia watched as Olivia closed her eyes and tears made a silent path down her face.

"Please," Olivia swallowed, "Please let me explain what happened next. I know what I did was unforgiveable. I know it." She ran a hand through her hair and clasped the side of her head in demonstration, "These damn dreams don't ever let me forget it but please hear me out, don't…"

She stopped and sucked in another breath.

Natalia waited, intrigued by what Olivia was asking and what she hadn't said. "Don't what?"

In a quiet voice that spoke volumes Olivia answered, "Don't judge me."

The defensive posture was back and if Natalia had been that kind of woman she knew she had the power to destroy Olivia in that moment. Fortunately, Natalia wasn't that kind of woman.

With infinite compassion Natalia tucked away her revulsion and crossed to where Olivia stood. She looked broken, wary as Natalia approached.

_There is definitely something more going on here, _Natalia thought and then reached out to draw Olivia into a hug, the older woman sobbing her relief as she collapsed into her, burrowing her face into her shoulder and wrapping her arms around Natalia with an almost crushing intensity.

They stood that way for a while, Natalia rubbing a soothing hand up and down Olivia's back as she cried. Eventually Olivia pulled back and wiped her eyes again, "I'm sorry. I really need to stop doing that."

Natalia looked at her appraisingly, "Well, you know they say it's supposed to keep you looking younger?"

"It is?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, I must look like a teenager again."

"Eh…" Natalia waggled her hand as if that was pushing it a bit.

They both laughed, both knowing they had weathered yet another storm.

"Thank you," Olivia said.

"De nada," Natalia waved her hand at her dismissing it and turned to go sit down again.

"No, really," Olivia said in all seriousness and grabbed at her arm to halt her, "Thank you."

Natalia nodded, "I don't really understand it Olivia but I guess I…" She hesitated and then threw some cards down on the table, "I guess I understand _you_."

Olivia smiled, a warmth spreading over her.

She needed to sit down.

"Did you want something else to drink?" Natalia asked, hopeful for an excuse to leave the room for a moment and calm her own shaking insides.

"Are you sure we don't have any alcohol left?"

Natalia pulled a disapproving face, "There's a little milk left, some coffee. I think there were some tea bags, I'm not sure."

It wasn't her usual beverage of choice but the idea of it sounded soothing to her, "Tea please, if we have some."

Natalia nodded and scooped up their cups on the way out of the room.

Olivia listened to the sounds of water being run and cups being prepared. She felt like she was running a gauntlet and had managed to negotiate a particularly tricky test. There had been a moment, a sickening moment when she genuinely believed Natalia was done with her and the intensity of it was so great she thought she might die, there and then. But she was still here and amazingly, so was Natalia.

~/\~

Natalia took her time putting the drinks together. Buzz had fortunately thrown in some herbal tea bags and she looked out the window as she waited for the water to boil.

Emma was still in view, clearly captivated by the world around her and Natalia wondered if she was hungry or thirsty yet. Unlike her mother however, Natalia was sure Emma would eat when she was ready.

Natalia thought about Emma's mother as she watched the child. _I wonder if you realize what your mother put herself through for you. Not that I would want you to know. I just hope you know how much she loves you._

It was partly because of this mother's love Natalia was able to overlook some of Olivia's other traits because surely no one capable of such love could really have evil in their heart.

The water was ready and she poured it into the cups to let the tea steep.

Olivia took one of the cups from her as Natalia reentered the lounge.

"Buzz threw in some chamomile, guess he was thinking the dinner might get out of hand and we'd all need to calm down." _And hopefully it'll help you to relax a bit as well._

Olivia chuckled as she dipped her teabag up and down, "Well Buzz is such a cultured individual."

"Hm, well aside from the little stunt he pulled last night, he's been very kind to me."

Olivia nodded, "I don't know what I would have done back then if not for Buzz. He may have decided I was more than he could handle but he came back you know. He came back to apologize but I guess things had moved on by then and in the end, it was me who sent him away."

* * *

><p><em>Overwrought at how quickly everything was starting to unravel and fall apart, Olivia hurried to achieve her goal. She was aware to some she would appear paranoid but what was the saying about sometimes if people were out to get you?<em>

_She had tried to calm down after her vocal tirade on Jane who had allowed Ava to see Emma but it had been too late, she had started the ball rolling again on her plan to be rid of the irritating little pixie and was now endeavoring to fulfill her part of it._

_She was therefore rather surprised and a little put out to see Buzz._

"_Going somewhere?" he asked._

_Buzz had decided for them earlier in the day that they needed to 'take a break' from each other and she thought he would be on a flight by now to the Restaurant Owners Convention in New Orleans. For a brief moment she believed they were all going there together, Emma, Buzz and her on a little mini vacation but he wanted to go alone. Something about taking himself out of the equation until things calmed down. To Olivia he was running away, running because Ava had pushed him to._

_She recovered quickly, "Emma's inside. I just needed to get some air. I thought that you…"_

"_Well, yeah, I got to the airport and then I… I realized I was a jerk and I came back. You're right, I was running… and I thought I was done with that. I am, I am… I don't know. The most important thing to me right now is us, so I just want to fix it. The way to get it done is together, here. So, okay? Please?"_

_She listened to him and his stumbling apology feeling an enormous weight lifting from her shoulders, "Oh, you just made this day so much better."_

_Her cell phone rang. "Shoot, I'm sorry." She smiled apologetically at him and promised, "I'll get rid of it, whoever it is. Just give me a sec."_

_She took the call, "Hello?"_

_A man's voice she vaguely recognized spoke at the end of the line, "Ms Spencer?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_This is Greg Sutton."_

"_Sorry?" Olivia's mind was awhirl knowing she had somewhere to be and Buzz waiting for her, she couldn't place the name._

"_You came to visit me at my job site the other day. My ex-wife and I adopted your baby girl back in…"_

"_Yes, yes. How are you?" Was she really going to be that lucky that on the day one of her problems disappeared and Buzz came back to her, she would find out what happened to her other daughter as well?_

"_Do you still want to know where she is? I left you a couple of messages."_

_She looked at her cell, _messages?_ Of course she wanted to know, "__No, I never got them, yes, yes, tell me."_

"_It came to me. I remembered the name of the guy my ex-wife married. Birdie's stepfather."_

"_Oh okay, give it to me."_

"_His name was Peralta, P-e-r-a-l-t-a."_

"_Uh… no… I'm confused." This couldn't be right, he had to be wrong. "You said that her name was Birdie."_

"_Birdie was just a nickname we gave her. Her given name was Ava. Your daughter's name is Ava Peralta."_

_Olivia felt sick. Was this some kind of cosmic joke?_

_Buzz obviously picking up on her distress asked, "What's wrong?"_

"_You have to go."_

"_Who was that?" he asked, clearly staying put for the moment._

_The absolute horror of what she had set in motion washed through her and she needed Buzz to go, "You have to go. You were right- you were right the first time. We need a break from each other, Buzz."_

"_That's how you feel? You want me to be gone?"_

_She admired his calm but she couldn't let him stay, she needed time to think. She nodded at him to convince him of her conviction._

"_Olivia?"_

"_Just go," she demanded, "Go to the convention. I'll see you when you come back." She turned away from him then, turned so she wouldn't have to look at his dismayed face, mouth open in surprise at her suddenly hard demeanor._

_She didn't know when he walked away, already too deeply enmeshed in the painful memory of giving birth. "No," she couldn't believe it, "no, she can't be my daughter."_

_That was when the reality, closely followed by panic began to set in._

* * *

><p>"That must have been some shock when he spelled out her name to you."<p>

"You have no idea. Of course I didn't want to believe it at first, this nemesis of mine actually flesh and blood," Olivia huffed. "I guess that's actually quite fitting in a way."

Natalia was more than intrigued by that statement and wondered again about Olivia's family and her relationship with them. She had certainly learned more in the last several hours about Olivia's past than she thought she ever would and she sincerely hoped it was going to prove to be beneficial to Olivia as well.

It seemed the tea was doing the trick, the pair of them reclined on the couch and Natalia had resumed her earlier position with Olivia's legs draped over her lap. Olivia appeared at ease and much calmer now that Natalia was staying put. In fact, it was as if the worst of it was over.

_Is there really anything worse than hiring someone to harm another individual? _Natalia wondered. _Is it worse than committing the act yourself? God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about this._

She watched as Olivia sipped at her tea, wondering if she could coax the rest of the story from her, there was obviously more to tell and she definitely wanted to hear it.

Natalia chewed on what she had been told so far but the words which rang out louder than any other were the quiet ones Olivia had practically sobbed… '_Don't judge me', she said. What happened to you Olivia? _Natalia queried and with a flash of unexpected insight asked…who_ happened to you?_

Olivia was debating the therapeutic properties of bearing her soul, hopeful a good night's sleep was in the offing and the continued presence of her stalwart friend. _She's still here. _She wanted to scream at the voices who had taunted her and release the little bubble of joy expanding in her chest, _she's still here!_

"So at the risk of repeating myself, what happened next?"

"Well," Olivia shrugged, "I found out Ava was my daughter."

Natalia pulled a face at her, "You can't leave it there? I mean, I know you hired a… a…"

"A hit man."

"Yes, one of those… I know Ava is okay now but did he get to her? Did you stop him?"

Olivia smiled a little at how enthused Natalia was in her story, in _her_ and with a deep understanding realized she could not deny her.

"Well I'd been told who my daughter was but as I said, I didn't believe it. Not at first… I wanted proof."

* * *

><p><em>Returning to her hotel suite, hanging on to her disbelief, Olivia called Greg Sutton again. In her mind she was convinced this was a set up, a sick joke. "It's Olivia Spencer again. Look, I don't know where you're getting your information but I know an Ava Peralta and there is no way in <em>hell_ that she is my daughter and I will prove it."_

_That's what she needed, proof. _

_She thought for a moment, _where can I get the proof I need? There has to be something, anything...

_A plan in mind she called out to the nanny on the way to the door, "Jane, I'm going out. Don't let anyone in here. Keep Emma close you got it?"_

_Taking the lift to Ava's floor Olivia used her keycard to gain entry. Nervously she surveyed the room and did a quick check of the bureau. When the drawers yielded nothing she cast her eye over the papers strewn on the top and stumbled across a photo album, slipping it into her bag mere moments before Coop shouted behind her and made her jump._

"_Hey! What the hell are you doing?"_

"_I just needed to check the uh… plumbing." She turned to the bathroom area hopeful Coop would accept such a painfully bad ruse._

"_Uh-huh. What's wrong with it?"_

"_Ah… it's this whole floor. There's a, there's a leak somewhere but I think we're safe here."_

"_We're safe in here because Ava is at work."_

Always with the little digs._ "Well you know what? I think we're good so I'm just gonna go."_

"_Yeah, Olivia why don't you do that?"_

"_Okay." Olivia headed for the door, "Sorry, Coop."_

_It would take too long to go back to her room and as she couldn't wait she stood in the hallway, oblivious to the possibility Coop may exit the room and find her there. She was too on edge with finding out the truth._

_Removing the album from her bag the pages fell open to a well worn and obviously often viewed spot which could only be a picture of Ava's 'mother'. Fishing out the picture she had of the Suttons, she placed them side by side and there was no mistaking the comparison. The woman who had adopted her child was the same as the woman in the photos._

_Needing more proof and still not willing to believe Olivia thumbed through more of the album. The photo of a young girl stopped her, "Why does she have pictures of Emma?"_

_Her blood chilled, "Wait, that's, that's not Emma, that's Ava." _Oh my god! Ava is my daughter. She's… _"Oh, what have I done?"_

* * *

><p>"You broke into her room?" Natalia's eyes were wide as she asked the question.<p>

"Technically no… I had a keycard."

"Olivia…"

"Hey, it's my hotel. I had every right to be there."

Natalia continued to look at her.

"Anyway," Olivia moved them along, "I needed proof, I got it."

Shaking her head at the logic of the woman she cared deeply for Natalia let the charge of petty theft drop and asked, "It must have been strange to see what you thought was a picture of Emma. How long did it take for you to make the connection? That it was really Ava you were looking at?"

"Not long but at the time it felt long enough. With the proof in my hand I just remember the terror I had doomed my daughter to death."

_To lose a child was bad enough, to lose one because you willed it…_ Natalia shuddered. "I don't think I can even begin to imagine."

"Good. It was stupid. Ranks right up there as one of the stupidest things I've ever done."

_I wonder what you consider your stupidest? _Natalia rubbed at Olivia's conveniently placed leg in sympathy. "So what did you do?"

* * *

><p><em>She paced the hallway, adrenaline fueling her as she dialed her cell, "Pick up, Gillespie pick up. Disconnected? No! No!" She tried another number, "Ava? Voice mail! No!"<em>

_Panicked she lunged at the hotel room door, "Coop, open up!"_

_He threw the door open meeting her desperation with aggression, "What? What now, Olivia?"_

"_Ava, Ava have you talked to her?"_

"_Yeah I knew this wasn't about a faucet."_

_She didn't have time for his petty jibes, "Have you talked to her?"_

"_No, I haven't talked to her or seen her since this morning when she left for work. Alright, she calls me when she gets there."_

"_I need to talk to her."_

"_Why? Olivia, what is this about?"_

"_Where is she, Coop?"_

"_Look I don't know where she is okay? Why do you care so much, do you want to run her down with your car again?"_

_It hurt, "No, no." _He doesn't understand, he doesn't get it, she's my daughter_. Her hands were starting to shake, frustration forcing tears to fall._

"_Leave her alone Olivia, do us a favor and leave her alone." He backed up into the room, preparing to slam the door on her._

"_No please Coop, wait, wait, wait." She wedged herself in the doorway preventing him from shutting her out. "I was in her room obviously with all her things and I started to think she's just a girl, she probably didn't mean to hurt Emma."_

"_You're just realizing this now?"_

_The tears were in earnest, she had no doubts from the look Coop was giving her that she looked as if she had lost her mind but she had to fix this. "I can fix this. I can fix this. I've been awful to her and I just want to apologize." _I need to apologize, she's my daughter. Damn it! Where is she? Keep it together… Coop, Coop could find her.

"_So you go find her. Find her. Go to Spaulding, go to Company, wherever, but you find her and you call me. Call me."_

"Did Coop find her?"

Olivia shook her head and bowed it slightly. "I reasoned if I couldn't find Ava then I'd look for Gillespie."

"You went to see this man on your own? Olivia that could've been dangerous."

Olivia smiled and reached for Natalia's hand, thankful for the caring indignation. "Yes it could've been and I won't lie it was a little scary but I didn't go on my own exactly."

"_Frank thanks for doing this."_

_They were walking together down the corridor of a guesthouse just outside of town. Absently Olivia took note of the décor and cringed a little at the heavy __watercolour __prints lining the walls._

"_Okay, what's going on here, Olivia."_

_Olivia had been dreading this moment, concocting a story on the way over here to enable Frank to lend his assistance without further damaging her own chances at a life on the outside. "I know I was vague. There's this guy Gillespie, he's, he's blackmailing me and I don't want to go into detail with you."_

"_Good because I don't think I want to hear about it right now."_

_That was fine by her as she ignored Frank's attempt to show his displeasure at her, "Are you sure he's here?"_

"_Yes, this is the address I tracked him to. I didn't want you showing up here all by yourself."_

"_No, yeah…" She need a minute with Gillespie alone, needed to know that Ava was okay and there was too much risk he might implicate her to save his own skin. Knowing Frank to be a good guy and playing a bit on his chivalrous nature she reacted as if something had just occurred to her, "Oh, my bag."_

"_Your what?"_

"_My bag. I left it in the car and I need it but it's so creepy and dark down there."_

"_Now listen, I'll go and get it but if you see Gillespie, you scream at the top of your lungs."_

"_Yeah," she watched him walk away, hopeful she would have enough time to do what she needed to do. _

_The door next to her creaked open and Gillespie appeared, "My fatal employer. What a pleasant surprise."_

_Before she could react the door was opened wide enough for Gillespie to reach out and grab her to pull her inside._

_Annoyed, Olivia tried to take control of the situation, "I have been calling and calling you."_

_Gillespie seemed unconcerned and sat on the bed, reaching under it to grab a duffel bag and started to stuff his clothes into it. He was smug and full of himself as he demonstrated his intelligence and clandestine prowess, "But the number's disconnected, right? Just covering my tracks."_

_Olivia was not so impressed. "You cut off your employer in the middle of a job?"_

"_After the job."_

_Olivia went numb, "After the j..." She trailed off, swallowing to moisten her suddenly dry mouth enough to ask, "Is Ava okay?"_

"_Is Ava okay? You didn't hire me to make her okay."_

"_What did you do?"_

"_She's a tough one." He stood and continued to gather his things to pack. "Went down fighting."_

"_You screwed up!" Olivia shouted at him._

"_Nah, not me, I…"_

"_I wanted you to scare her."_

"_I did the job."_

"_Let her know that I could make her life miserable, get her out of my face, not kill her."_

"_It's been done, Ms. Spencer. You're too late."_

_His confident arrogance enraged Olivia, the possibility her daughter, her firstborn was dead because of this smug bastard, a bastard she herself had sent… No, she hadn't asked for this. "No, you went too far. What kind of animal are you?"_

"_I did what you hired me to do."_

"_No, I didn't hire a killer." She hadn't had she? Wanting him to stop his casual movement around the room as he prepared to leave and to make him focus on her, she launched herself at him, her hands clenched into fists ready to beat an answer out of him, "Tell me she's okay."_

_He was a strong man who simply picked her up and threw her down onto the bed but Olivia would not give up, she had to know, "You didn't hurt her."_

_He was straddling her now, his hands pressing down onto her stomach and she couldn't move._

* * *

><p>"Olivia?" The hand which had been holding hers had gone limp and cold and Olivia appeared to trail off in her account. "Olivia?"<p>

~/\~

_She was pinned down, unable to move._

_In the distance she could hear music and her throat burned with the taste of smoky alcohol._

_She felt dread._

_Horror._

_She wanted to gag._

_Too late to save her._

"You left her there to die."

_Loss overwhelmed her._

_Too late._

To be continued...

Flashback scene #1 taken from episode 25th Sept 2006 and scene #2 taken from episode 28th Sept 2006 – I have been unable to find clips for these scenes but if anyone is aware of them, please post them or let me know so I can update.

Flashback scene #3 taken from episodes 28th & 29th Sept 2006; scene #4 and #5 taken from episode 29th Sept 2006 and scene #6 taken from episodes 29th Sept & 2nd Oct 2006 which can be seen here: .com/watch?v=c8NuDH13688...feature=related and here:.com/watch?v=VTuJGV8ZwnA...=1&index=38 with thanks to eriklovessoaps for the clips


	22. Chapter 22

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 22**

Everything had gone fuzzy around the edges and for a brief moment she thought her migraine had returned that was until she began to feel as if she were separating from her body, a strange disconnection from all around her as she scarily fell into another reality, one which she would never willingly choose to revisit.

Her world in a hazy soft focus the sensations, textures and feelings of her dreams and her memories assaulted her. If she had been aware of her body she would have felt her stomach muscles clench, preparing itself for the blow.

She tried to fight it but then as now, she was incapable of movement as if paralyzed or drugged.

~/\~

Natalia squeezed the hand again perturbed by the lack of responsiveness and the cold clammy touch of Olivia's skin.

"Olivia," she scrutinized the slack face of her friend, her eyelids had closed and while her eyes were moving as if asleep and dreaming it was not the usual rapid eye movement one would expect leading Natalia to wonder if Olivia had fallen asleep, simply passed out or something worse. Either way she had to do something, anything and being familiar with Olivia's medical history fought the rising swell of panic welling within.

Being a generally level-headed person Natalia was thankfully not prone to lapses of hysteria but seeing Olivia so descriptive and emotionally engaged in the tale she was telling suddenly cease and desist stirred a level of fear she hadn't felt since Olivia jumped in the river after Emma and before that her collapse outside Company.

Pinned down by the dead weight of Olivia's legs Natalia struggled to climb out from under her. She kept her eyes focused on Olivia the whole time as she jostled her in her attempts to free herself and was disappointed the act of moving had no impact on the unresponsive woman's state.

Her mind awhirl with what she should do she kept up a constant chatter of reassurance, as much to keep herself calm as to let Olivia know she was there and that everything was okay, "You need to wake up now, I'm here Olivia. Please, it's okay."

_Maybe I should call Dr Bauer. I know you'll be mad at me but Emma's just outside and damn it! What do I do? What's going on with you? Is it your heart? Please don't let it be your heart._

Natalia decided she needed to take action and feeling only marginally silly for considering it checked Olivia's pulse. As she had done when Olivia collapsed in the woods, she lay her head upon Olivia's chest straining to hear the rhythmic thudding of Olivia's heart. Relieved at the steady beat, it was then she became aware of the deep heavy breathing which seemed almost out of place.

Without questioning what she was doing but somehow instinctively knowing that unlike earlier when she had allowed Olivia the time to sleep this time she had to wake her up, Natalia quickly used one arm to brace herself on the back of the couch and positioned her knee on the seat cushion the other side of Olivia to effectively straddle her before taking hold of Olivia's face between her hands and leaning in.

It was comparable to a lover's hold, moving in for that first sweet taste and although Natalia paused briefly to brush her thumbs over Olivia's cheeks and studied her eyelashes, nose and lips in close detail, her motivation at the moment was far from sensuous.

"Olivia, can you hear me? Olivia!"

Olivia didn't answer and feeling near to tears Natalia leaned in closer and placed the softest of kisses upon Olivia's forehead.

"Please Olivia; you have to wake up now. You don't want me calling Dr Rick do you?" She brushed Olivia's hair back from her face and waited, praying her light-hearted threat would penetrate whatever had its hold on her friend.

Natalia's own breathing stilled as she noticed Olivia's eyelashes fluttering as if her lids were heavy and it required effort to separate them.

"That's it Olivia, come on. You can do it, wake up for me so I can see those beautiful green eyes of yours."

Olivia stirred again, definitely coming around. Relaxing a bit believing the worst was over Natalia sat back and rested her weight fully on the supine woman.

The effect was immediate as Olivia reacted and bucked, her arms rising up to flail and push at the entity pinning her down, oblivious to the fact it was Natalia.

Taken by surprise Natalia teetered precariously and tried to gain a hold on Olivia's wrists all whilst trying to dodge the dangerously swinging limbs

"Whoa! Olivia, calm down. It's me!" She rocked and fought, anxious not to hurt the confused woman beneath her, "Please, I need you to calm down. Olivia!"

Olivia's eyes sprang open bewildered at what was going on and looking a little lost, her chest heaving at the sudden exertion and her arms twitching to be freed from Natalia's grip.

When she was sure the older woman had settled down, Natalia relaxed her hold, climbed off of her and stepped away. "Are you okay?" she said, watching as Olivia tried to get her breathing under control.

A slight nod of the head.

Olivia was trying to ground herself again. She had no idea what had just happened but it scared her and Olivia didn't like being scared, it meant a loss of control and that would not be tolerated, that was how mistakes happened and people got hurt, how _she_ could get hurt.

Pushing herself up so she could swing her legs round to the floor she let out a steadying breath. Knowing she would be bombarded with a barrage of questions and would have to explain what had just happened, Olivia tried to laugh it off with a, "Wow, I must be more tired than I thought eh?" _Please don't ask me, please don't ask. I can't deal with this right now. I need some time to figure it out, just don't ask me._

Natalia, unaware of the silent mantra running through Olivia's head, was sure judging by the nervous laughter she was a little embarrassed by what had happened. She noticed something else. "Hey, are you cold?"

Olivia looked up cautiously and nodded, "A little."

"You're shaking."

As if to emphasize the point Olivia's body juddered aggressively, "Guess it's turned a little chilly in here."

Natalia wasn't cold but wasn't going to argue either. Instead she said, "Wait here," and dashed upstairs.

Olivia didn't have to wait long before Natalia returned complete with the blanket she had used the previous night but unlike the previous night, Olivia didn't fight with her as she draped it around her shivering form and then took a seat next to her.

It was as if she was in some form of shock and nodding again to give thanks for the further warmth, Olivia clenched her jaw to try and stop her teeth from chattering. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and simply waited.

Natalia was aching in empathy; unable to sit idly by any longer she wrapped an arm around Olivia's back. Olivia turned and smiled tentatively, trying to reassure but Natalia wouldn't have it, not this time. With just the slightest of tugs she pulled her towards her. "Let me help."

Olivia fell into her, the additional heat and secure embrace allowing her to finally relax enough to stop the muscle tensing shudders.

They sat there, Natalia focused on the steady beating of Olivia's heart and Olivia absorbing the comfort so freely given. Still highly embarrassed by what had happened she wanted to regain her dignity but she realized no one had seen as much of her dark side as Natalia had or experienced the full range of what Olivia was capable of. She had told Buzz some of her darkest secrets, that was true and Josh certainly knew of one of her blackest, had even called upon her during one of her less than finest hours otherwise she acknowledged she wouldn't be here now. Funny how her mind still considered the majesty and tragedy of Tosca a good choice of music, capable of evoking a profound effect on her whenever she heard it but she had never been inspired to take that particular route again, she had Emma now.

_Emma is outside. What if she'd come in? What would she think? She'd be scared, that's what. Natalia looked scared, hell, _I_ was scared. I need to move beyond this, ever since Emma went into that river, that's when the dreams all started for me._ She knew she had to be honest if only to herself. _Okay, started again. Not like I haven't had something similar before but wow, these are honest to goodness debilitating. Maybe it is my heart, maybe I should get it checked out. I just don't want to end up back at the funny farm, that wasn't fun the last time._

She shuddered again, this time in memory and Natalia squeezed her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she should say more. "Thank you, I don't know what came over me."

She felt Natalia begin to draw in a breath to speak and continued on before she could say anything, "And I know, I know. I'll go see Dr Rick and I'll do what he tells me to."

Natalia said nothing but Olivia could almost feel the smug relief tinged with a soupcon of disbelief coming off of her.

"I will, I promise." She shifted a little wanting to steer away from her health issues and what had just happened, "I feel like I still owe you the end of the story."

"Listen, you don't have to do that. You should go, go and rest."

Reluctantly she pulled herself away and sat up to look at her friend and employee. "Uh huh, maybe I should."

There it was, this time she saw it in her eyes the exact same thing she had heard in Natalia's voice, "Don't try and kid me, we both know you're dying to know the end. I can see it in your face, Natalia."

Now it was Natalia's turn to look embarrassed as she rolled her shoulders and smiled a full dimpled smile, "Well, yeah… you can't really leave it there."

"I can't?"

"Well, no, you were in jeopardy and okay, fine I can see you're here so you must have escaped but that doesn't alter the fact I'm intrigued as to what happened next? I admit it okay? I'm curious."

Olivia chuckled, "So where were we exactly?"

Concerned about jumping back into the story at the point where Olivia obviously had some reaction, Natalia was trying to think of how to remind her. Olivia however beat her to it. "I was with Gillespie right? I was trying to get him to tell me what he'd done to Ava."

"Yeah, you'd um… grappled with him and he had you."

Mentally staying in the moment, Olivia cleared her throat and began again, "Okay so he's holding me down and I'm asking him if he hurt Ava."

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey. Don't be so naive, lady."<em>

_With the physical weight of Gillespie above her she stopped her frantic struggling but the mental and emotional weight of what she had done was more than she could bear._

"_I don't know what I am anymore," she sobbed as she half-heartedly pushed against him again. "This is too much," she shoved, squirming a little under his gaze and her terror, "It's too much."_

"_What did you think I was going to do, go up to her and say, "Please leave town nicely?" Look, everything's all right. There's no problem."_

"_Oh, God." Olivia was reaching the end of her emotional limits, her uneven breathing sounding a tiny sob with every exhale._

"_The only problem you got is if you don't give me the money you owe me for doing that job."_

"_I can't do this," she whimpered her head rolling from side to side as if her whole body was screaming 'no'. "I can't take this."_

_She wanted to leave, to be anywhere but here having to face the man responsible for harming her daughter. Internally she was aware of the irony mocking her._

_He stayed above her looking down, in his own strange way trying to reassure what was obviously to him a hysterical woman, "Hey, hey, you're in the clear. Okay? There's not a problem. Just give me what you owe me and I'll be on my way."_

_She wanted him gone but not until he told her what she needed to know, she had only one thought, she needed to find Ava. "Where is she?" she asked. "Where is she?"_

_It was hard to tell whether he would have told her because at that moment Frank returned, his voice sounding through the door._

"_Olivia?"_

_Gillespie looked concerned and pulled his face away from hers as he sat up, "Who's that?"_

_Against the knocking on the door she regained some measure of control as she told him, "That's our friendly neighborhood chief of police."_

_He looked worried and began to climb off her._

"_Olivia?" Frank called again, his knocking becoming more insistent._

_Seeing an opportunity as Gillespie began to step away from the bed and finally releasing her, Olivia attempted to roll away but he jumped back hands raised. Afraid, she curled in on herself to prevent him from striking her and he merely pushed on her._

"_You're setting me up?" He said disdainfully as she continued to cower._

_Frank was getting more agitated, "Olivia? Olivia, what's going on? Open up. Olivia, open the damn door."_

_Almost afraid to move she looked over her shoulder to see Gillespie make his escape out the window. Trying to gather her wits she stood up from the bed and out of habit, pulled her clothes back into place._

_She opened the door for Frank._

"_What happened? He was here, wasn't he?" Frank stalked into the room._

"_Let him go." Olivia was resigned; all that would come from catching him now was that she would also go to jail. _

"_He couldn't have gotten too far."_

"_Just let him go." One daughter dead and one who may lose her mommy because of an act of stupidity._

"_He's going to get away, Olivia."_

"_Frankie, just let him go." _He killed my daughter and I lead him to her. Pointed him at her and said, go to it.

"_Okay, I'll put an APB out on him."_

"_Stop it, please, it doesn't matter anymore." She wanted to throw up, Frank's incessant buzzing around trying to help was just too much, everything was just too much and somewhere, her daughter was dead. She drew her hands up to her ears, in part to block out the noise and in part to try to hold it all in because she was sure with the slightest provocation, she would shatter and break into a thousand tiny pieces._

_Frank was heading toward her, "If you think everything's okay, why are you shaking like that?" He slipped off his jacket. "Here, take my coat," he said and wrapped it around her shoulders. "What's going on?"_

"_Thanks. You don't have to be so nice to me. It's just I've made so many mistakes and nothing has turned out the way it was supposed to and I just can't..." She couldn't stop shaking, couldn't stop crying, the feeling of nausea returned every time she thought about what she had done and with her head in her hands she couldn't see any way to express what the true nature of her problem was. Not without potentially harming Emma._

"_Olivia, whatever happened or didn't happen between us, we're still friends."_

"_Frank, it's not that. It's my child, it's my daughter." There was no way he could understand, she couldn't let him._

"_Okay, you know what? If it's Emma, I'll take you to see her right now..."_

_Olivia snapped. "No, it's not Emma!" she shouted, Frank recoiling in dismay. Covering her mouth with her hand as if to rein the outburst back in or prevent another spilling out she lowered her voice, "I'm sorry."_

"_Look at me," Frank said grabbing hold of her arms and making her face him._

_She tried to stifle her sobs as she looked him in the eyes._

"_You can tell me anything, right? What is going on?"_

_He waited and she couldn't give him anything. She feared he could read her eyes and her anxiety._

"_Okay, I'm going to take you to Emma right now and I'll show you that she's fine. Okay? Come on." He lead her from the room but Olivia already felt like she was imprisoned, trapped by her own guilt._

* * *

><p>Natalia sat open mouthed clearly trying to work out what it was she wanted to say. A piece of her brain was working through the events being described to her and watching the woman at the other end of the couch where she had retreated to, her blanket still firmly encasing her and tightly held together. Natalia reasoned that maybe the recent incident was also a result of Olivia going into some kind of emotional shock or trauma. Reliving these past events coupled with the onslaught of nightmares Olivia was experiencing on top of her current physical condition was it any wonder the woman appeared fragile.<p>

The other piece of her brain was reacting to the terror of Olivia actually confronting a hit man and putting herself into such a dangerous situation.

"I'm waiting," Olivia smiled at her.

"Hm?" the comment had thrown her from her musings.

"For you to say, 'what happened next?'"

"Well I was working up to that," she countered, "I was going to start with that was really dangerous Olivia. He could've killed you."

"I think you might be overestimating his abilities a lit…"

"No! I understand your reasons but… he could've killed you."

Olivia leant forward and released one of her hands from her blanket to snag Natalia's hand, "I don't think I was ever in any real danger and besides, you don't know the rest of the story yet."

That had Natalia's attention. "Even still," she muttered, refusing to just let the subject drop.

"I appreciate you being so concerned, I really do but this was a couple of years ago and I'm here, no harm, no foul."

It was easy to say but somehow they both knew there was harm involved, it wasn't as clear cut as the statement suggested.

"Okay so you escaped his clutches, you convinced Frank to let him go and you had no idea where Ava was or what had happened to her. Frank was going to take you to Emma, here it comes, you ready?" She smiled at Olivia as Olivia tilted her head to one side with her eyebrows raised as if in invitation. "What happened next?"

* * *

><p><em>When they exited the guesthouse the sky had turned black and the storm which had been threatening was on the verge of promise. The ride back to the Beacon was a blur to Olivia, all she knew was that her child, her first born child was out there somewhere most likely dead and it was because of her doing. She had no recollection of the journey up to her suite, Frank she was sure had attempted to engage her in conversation but she was too lost in her own sense of panic and dread.<em>

_He opened the door to her room leading her in and Olivia deposited her bag on the nearby table before looking up to see Emma and Jane sat on the couch._

"_Look, what did I tell you?" Frank said. "Safe and sound, huh?"_

_Instead of making her happy as Frank obviously thought it would, the sight of her daughter had the opposite effect. She wasn't seeing Emma in that moment; she was seeing Ava, Ava as a child, as she had seen her in the photos, "She looks so much like her."_

"_Who?"_

_Frank could never understand so she ignored his curious question and headed to the one person who could help to make her feel better._

"_Come here, baby. I need a hug." Her arms outstretched she beckoned Emma to her and picked her up. It felt so right to hold her and she indulged her need, squeezing her tight and kissing her, "Come here. Come here. Hug, big hug, promise."_

"_It's your turn," Jane chimed in._

"_You need to go back to bed, okay? It's late." Even though she was holding her child in her arms the words seemed prophetic and sadness enveloped her again. "It's way too late."_

_The tears threatened once more and she was defenseless to stop them._

"_Um… Olivia, I tell you what," Frank said. "Why don't you put Emma down, okay? Let her sleep, and I will take Jane home before the storm hits, okay?"_

_Frank was a good guy and maybe for once he had clued in that Olivia needed to be alone._

"_Alright," she managed._

"_Alright. Listen I'll call you in the morning, see how you're doing, alright?"_

_He wanted an answer, even with their history she could tell he was concerned about her but she could only manage an affirming noise, not trusting herself to speak._

"_Bye," he said to Emma and then waved the nanny to him, "Come on, Jane."_

_Jane said her goodbyes to Emma as Olivia continued to rein in her tears. They headed to the door._

_She couldn't let him just leave, he deserved something from her. Clearing her throat from the emotion clogging it she called out, "Frank."_

"_Yeah."_

"_You've been a good friend to me. Thank you. You're too good for me." _If you only knew what I'd done.

"_Olivia... you're welcome. We better get going. Bye Emma."_

_They left and Olivia, still holding onto Emma, sank onto the couch, "Look at you." Her child, her beautiful baby girl._

_The storm which had been brewing was now rumbling broad rolls of thunder causing Emma to sit up a little in fright._

"_Are you scared?" Olivia asked and received a nod in response. "Yeah, me, too."_

_But Olivia was afraid of more than just thunder. She was afraid she had made one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She drew in an uneven breath and kissed Emma's head, "Listen, there's nothing to be afraid of, you know that? Nothing for you to be afraid of at all because mommy's here. And we're good when we're together, right?"_

_Emma nodded vigorously to this._

"_We're just fine." _And your mommy has done something so stupid she could be taken away from you._ She felt the overwhelming sense of dread and horror again and knew she had to be strong for Emma, had to reassure her. "You know what I forgot... I forgot about Bobo. He doesn't like lightning, does he?" Emma shook her head. "No. I tell you what, why don't you go in your room and get him, get in the covers and pull them way up and I will come and tuck you in in just a minute, okay?"_

_She lifted Emma from her lap and nudged her in the direction of her room, Emma responding like the good girl she is._

_When she saw Emma had climbed into her bed she turned and pulled out the photo she still had in her pocket, so like Emma but not._

_Thunder raced overhead again as if mocking her._

"_What have I done?" She threw a glance back to Emma's room and gave voice to the thought she couldn't answer, "Did I kill one to protect the other?"_

_With Emma waiting for her to tuck her in she forced herself to put the photo down and try to put the thoughts away for a moment but it was hard._

_Returning to Emma's room she tucked her in, kissed her forehead and continued to reassure her even as the storm ignited like a fourth of July party outside._

"_Sleep, baby," she said as she exited her room and closed the door. "Mommy's here. Mommy will always be here."_

_But would she? There was every possibility that she wouldn't, all because she had been impulsive and allowed her emotions, her love for one child and her apparent hate for another, to get the better of her._

_Her emotions were raging again. Crossing her room she picked up the photo from the table where she had left it and looked again into the eyes of her child. "I didn't know. I didn't know."_

_She held the photo to her lips as if to bestow a kiss and crossed to her bar, sniffing as she went to forestall the tears. Opening up the decanter she poured a generous serving into the glass with unsteady hands and drank deeply._

_She could hear sirens and her fear spiked again. She looked around the room expectantly as if the police were waiting in the shadows to make their bust and drag her downtown._

"_It's the storm," she finally reasoned. "Somebody got into an accident. Doesn't mean they're…" _

_Her mind froze for an instant at the possibility and she gulped deeply to finish her thought, "…they're coming after me."_

_Throwing back her head she drank down the entire contents of the glass and reached for the decanter to pour another. When she raised the glass to her lips the next time her crying stopped her, unable to swallow when she was trying to claw in air. She paused before trying again, determined to steady her nerves or drown her sorrows, whichever got her to where she wanted to be first._

_After another deep swig of her drink she stumbled back from the bar and tottered over to the couch. Sinking down onto it she held the photo in one hand, her drink in the other. She was lost for a time, staring at the photo, waiting for the effects of the drink to kick in._

_Outside the storm still told of its fury and after one exceptionally loud rumble of thunder Olivia was convinced she heard Emma moving about. Her head whipping round to look to her room, her concern had her leaping up from the couch to go to her._

"_Emma?" She stood by her door listening. No response._

Maybe the storm just has me a little jumpy. Maybe what I've done has me a little jumpy._ She needed another drink and crossed to the bar once more._

_Pouring another healthy finger of drink she brought the glass up to her lips only to be stopped by an arm grabbing her and spinning her around._

* * *

><p>"Really? You're going to end it there?" Natalia practically whined at her, pleased to note that Olivia hadn't stopped talking because she had 'passed out' this time but because she was untangling herself from the blanket and moving to stand up.<p>

"Well I guess I could continue but you know all this talk about drinking," she smiled ruefully, "not to mention all those coffees, the glass of water and the tea… they all have something different to say about it."

"Oh," Natalia blushed and then smiled in understanding. "Right."

"I won't be a minute." Olivia made her escape to the little girl's room

Natalia decided to be productive while she waited, taking their drinking vessels through to the kitchen and doing a quick check that apart from the items most recently used and refrigerated foodstuffs, everything else had been packed away.

Her mind was on the latest slice of Olivia's tale and the situation she had gotten herself into. It bothered her how Olivia always appeared to turn to drink when she was distressed, in fact she turned to drink when she was happy, depressed or sometimes just because she was plain bored and Natalia wondered if she should mention it, would that be stepping out of line? She was aware that with her heart issues the troubled woman had stopped her alcohol intake and significantly reduced it for a while but just thinking back on the last couple of days, she knew Olivia was drinking way more than she should. _Another contributing factor_ she wondered.

She was about to put their cups in the sink when the door opened and Emma came in.

"Hi Natalia," she beamed, her cheeks flush with the outside air.

"Hey Emma. You having fun?"

Emma nodded.

"You're keeping warm aren't you?"

"Yup. Can I have a drink please?"

"Sure but we don't have a lot of choice here, what was it you wanted?"

"Umm… milk?"

"Well let me check." Natalia crossed to the fridge where the last items to pack remained. "Looks like you're in luck," she said as she pulled the bottle out, poured some in a jar and handed it to the waiting child.

Emma giggled, "I like drinking from a jar."

"You do eh?" It was funny now but last night it hadn't been.

Emma was wiping her mouth with her coat sleeve as she nodded. "Where's mommy?" she asked.

"She's gone to the bathroom." Natalia turned to check the box once more.

"Why was mommy upset last night?"

Natalia took in a deep breath, not surprised Emma had questions.

"Is she sick?"

It pained Natalia that this little girl should even have this thought in response to her statement but in reality it demonstrated her astuteness and the depth of her love and concern for her mother. _Of course she's worried, I know I am._

"She just had a lot to drink," she grinned determined to keep Emma focused on something else. "Did you see the ducks today?"

"They walk funny," she informed Natalia in all seriousness.

"Yes they do," Natalia really wanted to laugh. "You know, I might have some bread if you want to feed them?"

"Really?" Emma's eyes shone brightly.

"Who's feeding what?" Olivia asked as she appeared in the doorway.

"Hi mommy, Natalia said she has some bread for the ducks. Can I?"

"You may," Olivia corrected and her daughter beamed in delight practically jumping up and down in excitement.

Natalia looked in the box of supplies, glad she hadn't just thrown out the remains and handed Emma a bag with the end of a loaf in.

Olivia came into the room and bobbed down in front of Emma, "Are you keeping warm out there?"

Natalia was almost positive the young girl rolled her eyes as she answered with an exaggerated sigh, "Yes mommy, I'm keeping warm."

"Good," Olivia said, choosing to ignore the exasperation and hugging Emma close to her before pushing her to arm's length. "Don't let them ducks bite you okay?"

Emma blinked, "They bite?"

"Don't get close enough to find out," she teased. "Go on, have fun and remember we have to leave soon, we can't spend all day here."

Her daughter sagged at this news and Olivia felt she understood. "Hey, you've still got some time. Go make those ducks fat and happy eh?"

Emma grinned again, "Okay."

"And she was gone," Natalia said as the door closed behind her.

"She loves it here," Olivia stated. _I think I do too._

"I can understand that," Natalia said as she looked around the kitchen again.

_Hmm, I wonder…_ Olivia thought. _Maybe I can get the flyer sent over for Natalia to look through._

A hand was waving in front of her face and Natalia had a decidedly pinched look of concern.

"Hey, I'm okay. Was just thinking about something."

_Phew. _"Well that's a relief, thought I'd lost you for a minute there again."

Olivia just smiled and gestured with her head to the lounge, "Shall we?"

"Sure."

They resumed their respective seats, Natalia noticed Olivia had left the blanket on the couch and was now adjusting it around her shoulders.

"Where were we?"

"Someone had just grabbed you," Natalia prompted.

"Oh yeah," Olivia smiled but it faltered.

* * *

><p><em>When she spun around to face her intruder, her glass flew out of her hand and she was convinced her heart stopped. The vision before her was Ava, sopping wet and spitting mad, looking every bit the part of an avenging angel about to serve up its vengeance.<em>

"_Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a ghost."_

_Ava threw Olivia back against the wall; alcohol and shock causing her to stumble back confused and afraid._

_To Olivia it was as if God was finally listening to her and had answered one of her prayers. She shoved away from the wall and launched herself at Ava to envelope her in a bone crushing hug._

"_Thank God you're all right. Thank God you're all right." _

"_What are you doing?" Ava struggled in her grip and fought to free herself, "Get the hell off of me. I should kill you. I should kill you."_

"_I didn't, I didn't mean for him to...I didn't want…"_

"_For what, for me to die? I was supposed to think that you wanted me to disappear? That's what I'm supposed to believe? Don't deny you didn't send him in there to get me. I know you did."_

_Beginning to regret the amount of alcohol she had consumed, Olivia listened as Ava berated her. As she listened all she could think about was how Emma wouldn't lose her mommy now and how her other daughter was alive, she hadn't killed her. Trying to put together coherent thought her maternal instincts kicked in, Ava was soaking, the storm clearly drenching her, and she wore little in the way of clothes except a torn red dress. The bar towel close to hand, Olivia picked it up to offer it to her, knowing she had to get dry or she would catch a chill._

"_Screw the towel!" Ava shouted at her as she snatched it and threw it away._

_Olivia's sobbing persisted._

"_You almost killed me."_

"_No!" Olivia mumbled through her hands, covering her mouth as she tried to contain her emotions._

"_Yeah, you did. You happy about that? If your little friend wasn't such a horny rhino, I'd still be tied up in the trunk of that car, not breathing."_

"_He didn't… he didn't." Olivia shook her head._

"_No, he didn't, but he wanted to. He did. And he untied my arms and he stuck his hands up my dress."_

_Olivia closed her eyes, she had loosed this animal on her daughter? What kind of woman was she? She didn't want to listen, didn't want to hear anymore but Ava persisted._

"_And I hit him in the head with the tire iron. Right here. Right here. And then I hitched a ride back to town and thought about how much I was looking forward to seeing you."_

_She thought she would be sick, the anxiety of the day mixed with her drinks and she raised a hand to her head. She needed to back away, to move from where Ava had cornered her and gone on the attack, she was finding it hard to breathe again._

_Pushing away from the wall once more she realized her photo, the one she had spent the better part of the day staring at had fallen from her hand. She wanted that photo, it was important. She braced against the wall as she bent down to swoop it up to prevent herself from falling over and then backed away as Ava turned to stalk after her once more._

"_You are so lucky that I don't have anything to hurt you with for what you've done to me. You are going pay, Olivia."_

"_I didn't know."_

"_Shut up!" Ava yelled._

"_I didn't know," she tried again._

"_There's nothing, nothing that you can say to me. I tried everything. I put myself in your place. I tried to understand where you were coming from. I tried. There's no justification for what you put me through."_

"_I was terrified… I was terrified." _Why doesn't she understand, my little girl, both my little girls.

"_I said shut up!"_

_Olivia froze, the picture held against her chest hugging the paper form while the living form railed at her relentlessly._

"_You tried to kill me. Not once, Olivia, but twice. Twice you tried to kill me." Ava was right up into her face now, her anger paramount, "And then you send this guy to abduct me and cram me in the trunk of a car? What am I?"_

_Olivia couldn't take anymore, "Listen to me!"_

_Ava stopped, only her heavy breathing echoing against the thunder that still rumbled through the night._

"_I thought I had lost my child. I think it made me almost lose my mind. I think I lost my mind. I was so terrified that Emma would never come back to me and that is how much I blamed you..."_

"_Oh, don't give me this..." Ava wasn't going to listen to her, not to this. _

"_... and I just wanted you to go away."_

"_...Crap about you being a good mother. You are sick. This is a joke, you shouldn't be anyone's mother. Someone has to do something about this and it looks like it's going to be me."_

_Ava stormed past her to exit but Olivia couldn't let her go and grabbed her arm, spinning her back to face her._

"_No, wait, I'm trying to tell you."_

"_What?"_

"_I need to tell you..." she stared at the photo, trying to find a way to put the truth into words._

"_Save it for your trial. Jail time is the least of your worries. You should think about trying to find a good home for Emma."_

"_No. Don't." It was the biggest threat that anyone could level at her and Ava was prepared to wield it._

"_Yeah. Getting you away from her is the best thing I could do for her. You don't deserve a daughter."_

_Her heart sunk and she dropped to her knees. The voices through the years echoed around her telling her the same thing, over and over but they had to be wrong. She loved her child, did everything for her but could do nothing at this moment as another storm of tears was ripped from her and left her broken._

To be continued…

Flashback scenes taken from episode 22nd October 2006 and can be seen here: .com/watch?v=VTuJGV8ZwnA with thanks to eriklovessoaps for the clips


	23. Chapter 23

**DISCLAIMERS:** For full disclaimers see Chapter 1. I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.

All constructive comments, opinions and suggestions are welcome so please read and review...

**Chapter 23**

It is said that time is the healer of all wounds and as Olivia thought back to those dark days of confusion, horror and despair she could at least acknowledge how time had somehow allowed her relationship with her eldest daughter to develop. Recounting the devastation she experienced at the possibility of losing her precious Emma however, coupled with the guilt of her scheming and the shame she determinedly kept hidden from the utterly engaged woman beside her had cleaved open a wound so raw, so exposed and vulnerable that she feared no amount of time or time alone would ever heal her.

She startled a little as a hand soft, gentle and warm cupped her jaw and its thumb delicately brushed away a tear she hadn't even been aware she was shedding. Afraid, she closed her eyes almost positive that if she allowed the woman beside her to see she would see straight through her, into her and then she would have nothing left.

Nothing.

There were some truths she had decided she needed to keep closely guarded, buried deep.

She sucked in a shaky breath once again in awe that Natalia hadn't run, was still here, with her and still listening, still able to soothe. How could this woman provide such comfort? How could this woman stand to be her…her what? Her friend?

Something clenched within her. More than a friend, more than a confidante more than a personal assistant by far but what had it become, what was it becoming and how far could it go? It was a liberating yet terrifying thought which challenged every part of her but Olivia Spencer was not known for backing away from a challenge.

The thumb moved across her cheekbone and Olivia gathered the courage to open her eyes.

The dark brown orbs which looked back at her fairly radiated with compassion and empathy. A smile pulled at the corner of Natalia's mouth and in that moment Olivia knew she had laid her soul bare and Natalia had seen.

If she had been judged, the jury had been kind.

~/\~

It had been merely seconds since Olivia had finished speaking, her words ending on a half sob as she had vividly recalled the agony of her choices and while Natalia had listened with rapt attention soaking in everything she could learn about the fascinating woman beside her she found herself moving closer, pulled in by an unseen force she was powerless to ignore.

The tears she had watched fall called to her and as they lay glistening on Olivia's face instinct claimed her. Denying herself no longer she reached out to catch them as if they were precious pearls to be cultivated and loved.

When the pad of her thumb swept across the wetness of Olivia's cheek she was mesmerized at the way Olivia's eyes closed and her head moved minutely as if to nuzzle her hand, soaking up all the comfort she had to offer. When she heard the indrawn breath and those eyes finally opened Natalia knew she was privileged, sure no one had ever seen so deeply into Olivia's soul and that this was a gift so precious it required very careful handling.

Nothing was said and yet the communication which passed between them said so much.

Natalia smiled. Even as she perceived there was something Olivia still felt the need to hold back somehow she knew now was not the time to pursue it. She had learned more about Olivia in the past forty-eight hours than she had in nearly a year of knowing her but she could tell the currently fragile woman had reached her limit. Besides, they had to return to their daily lives and Olivia had some promises to keep with regards to her health.

With one last stroke of her face Natalia leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Olivia drawing her into a hug. She squeezed hoping to encapsulate all the strength, love and support she could provide and did not release her hold until she felt Olivia's arms free themselves from the confines of the blanket and reciprocate, cautiously at first and then with need.

They pulled away from each other and Olivia wiped at her own face before pulling her hair back behind her ears as was her habit.

"Thank you," she said.

Choosing not to dwell on what had been said and what had passed between them Natalia simply squeezed Olivia's arm, "How are you feeling now?"

Olivia looked up unsure and Natalia clarified, "Your knee," she pointed at Olivia's shoulder, "your arm. Still stiff?"

Olivia had forgotten about her shoulder but she felt her knee twinge slightly when she flexed her leg. "I'm good." She sensed Natalia tensing beside her and quickly followed up with, "and I know what I promised. If it doesn't get any better I'll get someone to look at it."

Olivia looked at her watch. "Wow, I can't believe how late it's getting."

Natalia looked at her own watch and agreed. "Hmm, lots to do still." She regarded Olivia as she completely extracted herself from the warmth of the blanket and warily tested her weight on her leg as she stood up. "Are you still intending to sit in on those meetings this afternoon?"

"Hmm? Yeah, I don't think I can reschedule, I've got some issues I want to discuss with the HR department and I still need to review that budget report." Olivia regretted leaving the warmth of the blanket and the prospect of returning to her suite at the Beacon, self aware enough to know it was more than just the coziness of the farmhouse she didn't want to give up but also the reassuring sense of wellbeing Natalia's presence engendered. "Besides, Larry will no doubt be lurking about the premises wanting me to discuss some financial opportunities he probably wants me to invest in so I want to be able to head him off at the pass."

Natalia understood but was saddened at the deceit Olivia was having to employ to maintain her role with Galaxy Hotels. Every inch of her was yearning to just snuggle up with this frustrating woman and relax. No talking, no work, no past… just the now.

Natalia stood as well and they began to move about gathering up their things.

Olivia could feel her eyes on her, clearly not able to fully relinquish the role of caregiver or possibly trying to work out how best to ask one of the possibly hundreds of questions Natalia still no doubt wanted to ask.

Before Natalia opened her mouth Olivia was already moving out of the room.

"I'm going to go call Emma in. Did we leave anything upstairs?"

"I'll check." Natalia called out to Olivia's retreating back and shook her head in acknowledgement of a moment lost. Then she turned and climbed the stairs to check the bedrooms they had used the night before.

~/\~

Olivia knew she was fleeing and cursed her cowardice but frankly she was wrung out. Where the previous days had tested her physically to her limit, last night and this morning had pushed her beyond her emotional boundaries. She knew she was pushing herself, knew that her reality meant she was making a mistake trying to do the job Lawrence Decker had chosen her to do but she also knew her pride would not, could not, let her back down.

She tried to justify that the only reason she had shared the ugliness of her past was because her defenses were down. She just needed to regroup, to pull back and establish some distance, get her head back in the game.

But there had been such a depth of understanding in those fathomless brown eyes and tenderness combined with strength in her touch that Olivia wasn't convinced there was far enough to run. Where she thought she should regret sharing such deep seated truths she realized she actually only regretted not being able to share it all.

She had stepped outside the farmhouse grateful for the coat she had remembered to pull on as she passed through the kitchen and spotted her daughter still happily engaged with whatever it was that currently had her attention.

Having walked through some of the scariest moments of her life in the last couple of hours Olivia nearly forgot how to breathe as her heart swelled while watching her. "My greatest gift," she said to herself. Enjoying the moment a few seconds longer she eventually called out, "Emma!"

Her daughter looked up and around before honing in on her mother near the door of the farmhouse. She smiled and waved.

Olivia waved back grinning. "Come on Jellybean, time to go." Her wave turned into a beckoning gesture and the slouching of Emma's shoulders as she trudged back to her gave every indication this was not a popular decision with the younger Miss Spencer-Spaulding.

When she reached her Olivia drew her into a hug, "I know, you don't want to leave yet but we talked about this and mommy still has a lot to do today."

Emma kept her head down, "I know," she reluctantly said.

"C'mon, I'm sure we can find some fun things to do when we get home."

Emma just shrugged, clearly not convinced.

Not to be deterred Olivia continued, "Okay well let's go get your things; I don't want you forgetting something just so we have to drive all the way back out here, okay?"

Sensing she had just thwarted her daughter's own attempts at a scheming plan they entered the farmhouse again and Emma took off to check the room she had used passing Natalia on the way.

"I think I got everything Em but can you double check," Natalia called up to her.

"Checking!" Emma called back and her footsteps could be heard along the landing to her room.

Natalia and Olivia stared at each other, knowing that in moments they would be heading their separate ways for the day but not yet recognizing how really they wanted to spend the day together. Considering all that had been revealed and discussed the silence became unnaturally awkward.

"So um… do you need any help loading the stuff into your car?" Olivia volunteered.

Natalia looked at her as if she had grown two heads, "While I thank you for the offer you know you're not supposed to be lifting things."

Olivia had the decency to look scolded and Natalia took pity on her, "But if you could get the doors for me that would help."

"Doors. Doors I can do. Nothing in the book that states I'm not allowed to open doors." Even though she smiled her mind briefly flashed back to another door, this one blown from its hinges and her eldest daughter lying underneath it. She shook the image from her mind and moved in front of Natalia who was now carrying one of the utensil boxes which were to be returned to Buzz.

Between them they made room in Natalia's trunk for the additional box and finished loading the car as Emma returned from her final check of the rooms upstairs.

"Say goodbye to Natalia Emma."

Although unhappy with leaving Emma hugged Natalia and beamed, "Bye Natalia."

Natalia hugged back, still unable to believe this vibrant little girl had gone through so much drama for one so young and had at one time nearly died. "Bye Emma, you look after your mommy okay?"

"I will."

"Maybe we'll go out to the park soon eh?"

"You said you might," Emma pointed out obviously not convinced it was going to happen.

"Then I promise okay?"

Emma smiled and nodded trusting this was all she needed for it to be true before climbing in the back of Olivia's car and fastening the seat belt.

The two women looked at each other.

"So I'll sort out all that baking stuff," Natalia began.

Olivia, not wanting to go through another recitation of their schedules simply stepped forward and as her daughter had done hugged Natalia to her whispering in her ear as she did so a heartfelt, "Thank you."

Surprised and a little overwhelmed Natalia tightened her hold and then they stepped apart.

Natalia grinned, moved to the driver's side door and called over the roof, "I think I'll go and see what Buzz has to say for himself. See you later and remember what you promised."

Her eyes flashed as she climbed into the driver's seat, turned the ignition and wound the window down to wave as she drove away.

Olivia chuckled knowing what Buzz was in for and waved back before taking her own seat behind the wheel. She cast her eyes to the rearview and saw both the farmhouse and Emma waiting expectantly for the journey home.

Home.

Her eyes looked to the farmhouse again.

_Yes, definitely going to see about property opportunities…_

She felt strangely fortified and determined. Natalia had helped her, supported her and having learned so much about her had still stuck by her, demonstrating a caring and trust so profound Olivia felt undone. Maybe now she could do something for Natalia.

She pressed the ignition, released the brake and drove back to the Beacon with a plan formulating in her mind.

The End

To find out what happens next you need to watch the Guiding Light episode from 20th Nov 2009 (Hedge Fund episodes) of which the first part can be viewed here: .com/watch?v=Ls0S-epOyXo with thanks to Solari111 for the clips.


End file.
